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Fergie Was Singing That Glamorous Song About Me. And My Drains.


I should probably warn you that surgery is very, very glamorous. Like, I don’t even know how to tell you how glamorous it is to be me right now. You should all be jealous, Pranksters.

I mean, first, I get to use THESE (beloved by old people everywhere):

Oh yeah. FAKE BATH WIPES. I don’t get to take showers yet, so I get to use these bad boys. Get jealous, Pranksters. I smell like AWESOME.

Know why I can’t take showers?

My JP Drains. Even the name “drain” sounds like magic, don’t you agree?

(you do agree, I just know it.)

I’ll spare you the shots of MY drains, suffice to say that they look like aliens exploding from the binder on my chest, should I attempt to cover them up with a shirt. Although, really, why would I want to cover up such awesomeness?

Simple answer, I wouldn’t.

But I am hoping to have the doctor take them out today. I called yesterday about what I thought might be a popped stitch, and he thinks it’s just the nerves waking back up (HELLO HORRIFYING). I’m going in to see him, just to be on the safe side, which means (I hope) GOOD BYE DRAINS.

So tell me, Pranksters, how are YOU today?

58 Comments to

“Fergie Was Singing That Glamorous Song About Me. And My Drains.”

  1. On November 11th, 2010 at 10:02 am The Faux Trixie Says:

    I didn’t have surgery, so I’m guessing it would not be socially acceptable to just use those wipes for days I’m feeling lazy, right? I mean, shower in a wipe? GENIUS.

    Your drains terrify and intrigue me. Much like pastries wrapped in bacon.

  2. On November 11th, 2010 at 10:13 am Smaaaaaash Says:

    Hey…..I will have you know that pastries wrapped in bacon is a sign that God still loves us. They are beautiful and rare.

  3. On November 11th, 2010 at 10:04 am Lauren Says:

    your blogs/tweets never fail to crack me up! as a nurse, i LOVE playing with jackson-pratt (JP) drains. i think they’re so cool! that might just be the sick, twisted nurse in me ;o) good luck with the rest of your recovery!

    xo L

  4. On November 11th, 2010 at 10:05 am rage_bot Says:

    Ah drains. They hang from us like Christmas decorations. Very festive. Hang in there;)

  5. On November 11th, 2010 at 10:09 am stacey@Havoc&Mayhem Says:

    Friend of mine had a boob reduction a year or so ago and she had that same popped stitch feeling & it was a nerve actually & it was 4 months before that twinge went away.

    Could you use a soapy washcloth instead of those wipes?

  6. On November 11th, 2010 at 10:10 am Cara Says:

    Do you get to use the dry shampoo too. My salon started selling a “rock star” version of it recently. Not just for our elders anymore!

  7. On November 11th, 2010 at 10:48 am steph gas Says:

    tresemme or however the fuck you spell that has a spray on dry shampoo. it smells kind of citrusy and works really well. i dye my hair pink and orange, and washing it everyday makes it fade superfast. also, sometimes i’m just superlazy and don’t feel like washing my hair. i love it because if i don’t wash it i get superoily 😡 this totally makes my hair look great.

  8. On November 11th, 2010 at 11:20 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    OOOOOH. Good call. Washing my hair SUCKS.

  9. On November 11th, 2010 at 10:12 am TheTameOne Says:

    I’m just not sure. Its like bathing with a butt wipe. No thank you.

  10. On November 11th, 2010 at 11:24 am Your Aunt Becky Says:


  11. On November 11th, 2010 at 10:12 am Rebecca Says:

    I’m good Aunt Becky. Hopefully you recover nicely and show off your new hot bod at Cruise 2011!

  12. On November 11th, 2010 at 10:21 am Lori @ In Pursuit of Martha Points Says:

    We’re all good here, thanks.

    We’re mostly drainless.

    So, I think we’re fine.

    Good luck on your outdoor plumbing removal.

  13. On November 11th, 2010 at 10:21 am JennJenn Says:

    All you need now, to go with all that glamour, is some bling!!!

  14. On November 11th, 2010 at 10:25 am Megan (Best of Fates) Says:

    Does it make me a terrible person that the first thought I had after reading about your nerves waking back up was “can you feel me now?”

  15. On November 11th, 2010 at 10:25 am Brahm (alfred lives here) Says:

    Hope the recovery is smooth and pain-light.

    The wipes creep me out just a little. Loooove Jenn’s bling idea!

  16. On November 11th, 2010 at 10:34 am McKenzie Says:

    I had to have lymph nodes removed last year and I HATED HATED HATED the drain. Not only because of the lack of showering but I was afraid to move in fear of accidentally ripping it out! I hope all the Gods are smiling on you when you visit your doctor and he removes them. I did a happy dance when my doctor removed mine! I would say it was almost the best day of my life!

  17. On November 11th, 2010 at 10:34 am Dre Says:

    I loves me some drains! I had one that looked exactly like that with my last c-section and that blood and gore-filled thing hanging out of the abdominal binder was enough to make my hubby just want to jump my bones right there! I almost threw up when I first saw it. Hot stuff. Here’s hoping it gets removed pronto. And i am super jealous about your new abs and wish to see some after photos. But I suppose I need to lose more weight so I don’t look pregnant still, because what is the point of a tummy tuck if there is still copious amounts of flab hanging (I don’t think you can lipo that much fat out in one sitting). Sigh. Go take another pill.

  18. On November 11th, 2010 at 10:43 am Tershbango Says:

    She’s right – bedazzle that shit.

    You know what I miss from after my surgery? The catheter. It was awesome. I wish I had one to bring to the bar tonight.

  19. On November 11th, 2010 at 3:32 pm Rebecca Says:

    Amen to the Foley at the bar.

  20. On November 11th, 2010 at 10:49 am steph gas Says:

    hope you get your drains removed. they sound horrifying.

  21. On November 11th, 2010 at 11:20 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    They’re SEXY, baby.

  22. On November 11th, 2010 at 12:26 pm steph gas Says:

    i’m sure they are, aunt motherfucking becky. i bet the daver can’t keep his hands off you and your drains.

  23. On November 11th, 2010 at 10:52 am Phil_E_Girl Says:

    I LOVE LOVE LOVE when people ask me, “How are you today?” BWAH-HAHA! You Didn’t just open a can of worms, you opened the whole fucking CASE! I will spare you B. ’cause you seem to be full of the Awesome today and I don’t want to DRAIN it from you. LOL! I loath the days my boys have off from school, I would be stabbed in the eye with a fork REPEATEDLY then have my Demon spawn home all day! I spent the morning cleaning bathrooms… yah, people I had to clean the boys bathroom and my HAZ-MAT suit is MIA! Now my eyes are burning from the toxic chemicals I have to use to kill what ever my boys are growing in there bathroom, oh my lungs are on fire to…. YAH! When I can see again I am taking all three “crotch parasites” (LOL thanks for that B.)to the park. What was that…oh the voices in my head, they were screaming “Hope for an abduction!” They are so not P.C. and I think they hate me. Wait do you think they were talking about the kids?

  24. On November 11th, 2010 at 11:24 am Roccie Says:

    Mother fucking negative test today.

  25. On November 11th, 2010 at 2:23 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:


  26. On November 11th, 2010 at 11:28 am jen Says:

    i had major surgery a few years ago and had those drains,then got really lucky to get a g-tube, to this day i can still feel the nurse pulling them out…its cringe worthy! but HEY so glad things are going well fer ya!

  27. On November 11th, 2010 at 11:32 am Amber McManus Says:

    I had surgery last year, so I know how fantastic it is. I got to just sit on the couch and take pain pills for days,, aww don’t be jealous, i’m sure you have pain pills too… 🙂 Hope you get to feeling better!

    check you my blog @

  28. On November 11th, 2010 at 11:55 am Josefina Says:

    Today. Hmmm, well, I’m just now getting coffee and breakfast at 1 pm, so it’s been going GREAT.

    We’re well acquainted with the reawakening nerves here at our house. I think each one is good for hours of worry. I hope all is well for you. Fingers crossed.

  29. On November 11th, 2010 at 12:15 pm Maria Says:

    I had to empty/measure the output from DH’s drain after he had surgery. yummo.

  30. On November 11th, 2010 at 12:20 pm Tracey Says:

    You are too funny…I so wish I lived next door to you…I would NEVER be bored again!!

  31. On November 11th, 2010 at 1:18 pm andygirl Says:

    you’re so glamorous I can’t stand it. I’m dying of glamor over here. can I have your autograph?

    sending healing thoughts your way!

  32. On November 11th, 2010 at 1:23 pm kcgirl Says:

    Maybe Fergie will come out with a follow up song? I can see it now … ‘Big Girls Don’t Bathe’.

    Glad to see you lend your awesomeness to her career, it kind of needs it.

    Also glad to hear you are becoming more powerful by mutating with your drains and awakening nerve endings. Can’t lie … sounds kind of horrifying.

    The wipes though? I’d use them if I wanted a whore’s bath and was running late. Not sure what that says about me.

  33. On November 11th, 2010 at 2:04 pm Jessica Says:

    Ooh you are so lucky! When I worked in the hospital I got to bathe people with those fabulous smelling wipes! And emptying those drains is a super fun thing to do huh? I am a sick sick bastard and enjoyed squeezing out the disgustingness from my patient’s drains.
    How is your tummy looking? I am glad that you are feeling up to blogging that is a good thing right?!
    Hang in there, try not to pop another stitch!

  34. On November 11th, 2010 at 2:04 pm Lara Says:

    I hate, hate, hate those damn wipes! I have had two c-sections and a few other surgeries besides and in recovery they are always coming at you with those bad boys! WTF?!? It’s a glorified baby wipe… seriously I would rather use a damn Huggies wipe, at least they have ones that smell good, not like old person ass!

  35. On November 11th, 2010 at 2:27 pm Chocolate Diapers Says:

    Drains? Ew!!!!!!

  36. On November 11th, 2010 at 2:36 pm Melissa Says:

    Ok, after THREE times writing a lengthy and witty response to this and then forgetting to enter my e-mail when I submitted, I am just going to go with…. umm. Never mind. I hope you get your drains out.

  37. On November 11th, 2010 at 2:51 pm gypsygrrl Says:

    ohh becky becky becky.
    i am completely intrigued by your post-op recovery and wish i was near and you could show me your incisions and drains (i AM a nurse, you know) and we could really talk what the pain is like. because i have a BIG BAD SURGERY in my future and i am scared but so ready, too. i have to break it to you that my incision will be much more awesome than yours, as i will be having a circumferential lower body renovation, er…i mean lift. yep. i know you know what circumferential means. SCARY!

    anyway. when you are feeling better, i wanna chat on the phone maybe? email me, oh queen of the pranksters!

    wishing you a speedy recovery and real showers soon!

  38. On November 11th, 2010 at 3:02 pm Heather Says:

    It could be worse the drain could be for cerebral spinal fluid like Penelope’s. Which if moved incorrectly could drain out all of her CSF and cause her brain to collapse into itself. How’s that for scary as shit!!

  39. On November 11th, 2010 at 4:28 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    That IS scary ass shit.

  40. On November 11th, 2010 at 3:52 pm Becca Says:

    Well it’s Veterans day, and because I’m a state employee, I have the day off!! I took a nap!! Hope u got the drains out, and everything is well..

  41. On November 11th, 2010 at 3:55 pm Empresso Says:

    HowmI doing? Let’s see. The 3 yo is on day really big number of being home sick. I’m sick of HIM! So far, the antibiotics are earning their co-pay and he’s ear-pain free. The ooze stopped coming from his ear (now he could use a drain) so at least I can clean it up (with a butt wipe) and make it smell nice.
    I’m tired.
    I had neck surgery and had one of those drains coming out of my neck. Frankenstein had nothing on me.
    The worst thing about having a laproscopic appie is super glue in the navel. It itches like hell and you can’t move without an annoying little tug. Best thing about the appie…new, small and tight navel! My abs are jealous of your abs and I wish they were good enough for the new and improved navel.
    Rest well and good luck with the Dr and drains. Remember it’s going to tug a little (bullshit!).

  42. On November 11th, 2010 at 4:14 pm katrina Says:

    WTF???….it’s just your nerves “waking up”…??? Put those babies out like a light, is what i’d do. Don’t you have more happy pills? I hope your drains fare well…….(kinda ew…but on you, i’m sure sexy!)

  43. On November 11th, 2010 at 4:34 pm KaraB Says:

    I feel for you Aunt Becky, my husband has surgery tomorrow and he’s not looking forward to it. I think it’s because he won’t have any cool hardware to play with afterwards.

  44. On November 11th, 2010 at 5:16 pm Neeroc Says:

    as the proud owner of a frankenbelly, I sympathize. Hope you’re still getting the good stuff and good luck with the drains.

  45. On November 11th, 2010 at 6:26 pm erin@mommy on the spot Says:

    Yikes! Nerves waking up? That sounds like a nice way to say painful stabs of pain. (Yes, I used pain twice. Because my brain is fried). Tomorrow my husband comes home from a 5 day busness trip. And yes, I am fried like a damn egg. But enough about me, I hope that you feel better soon!

  46. On November 11th, 2010 at 6:26 pm erin@mommy on the spot Says:

    Yikes! Nerves waking up? That sounds like a nice way to say painful stabs of pain. (Yes, I used pain twice. Because my brain is fried). Tomorrow my husband comes home from a 5 day busness trip. And yes, I am fried like a damn egg. But enough about me, I hope that you feel better soon!

  47. On November 11th, 2010 at 6:40 pm Stephanie and her sort of funny blog Says:

    C’mon Aunt Becky. We all know that Fergie wrote that song about my cleaning dog poop and the like.

    I covered this shizz, like, weeks ago.

    I hope you feel better soon. Recovery always blows goats.

  48. On November 11th, 2010 at 9:05 pm a Says:

    Well, I sympathize with you for having to have drains, but my husband is a big fan of the butt-wipe whore bath. So the other day, I was at lunch with a couple guys from work…and I could smell the nasty ball funk of someone who hasn’t showered in a day or two (you know, which I recognize due to the whore bath fan). Or else there was a surfeit of parmesan cheese. Either way…whew!

    There – a story to brighten up your day.

  49. On November 11th, 2010 at 9:50 pm Karia Says:

    The fake-bath wipes (any wipes really) remind me of a time when my dear old dad was trying to help when my son was a newborn. My dad was coming out of my bathroom with my son in his arms and a packet of my Lansinoh wipes in his hand. I mean, that lavendar color packet is easy enough to spot, especially when a 57yo man is holding them after just announcing ‘Go ahead and take your shower, I’ll change the baby.” Not that I think the breast wipes would harm a newborn’s bottom (though I doubt they’d stand a chance against those merconium poops). But wtf, those wipes are EXPENSIVE, and at that point in time each shower felt like someone was shooting needles at my nips, I needed them for ME! When I asked him if he knew those were for my breasts, I could still see it in his face, his only daughter just said the word “breasts”, and cringe doesn’t begin to describe the look on his face.

    His actual response though: “You should keep them in a drawer!”. I was like, um, yeah, I should, OR I could keep the actual BABY wipes on the CHANGING TABLE, go on retired Chicago police detective, have a look.

    Wipes and drains, two words I can live without.

  50. On November 11th, 2010 at 10:58 pm Melody Says:

    Not to question your doctor, I’m sure he’s awesome, but did he really say no showers or just no baths? I’ve had several surgeries involving drains (including a tummy tuck) and I was always allowed to shower, I just couldn’t submerge myself in a bath. I would just have to find something to sling around my neck to pin my drain bulbs too while I was showering. Now that was a sexy look.

    Drains are a pain but there is some sick satisfaction in emptying all the goop out. Hope you get yours out soon!

  51. On November 11th, 2010 at 11:11 pm Kelley @ Magnetoboldtoo Says:

    my love, when the drains are removed they don’t hurt at all.

    It just feels like a snake is slithering its way through your belly and you just wanna throw up.

    I share cause I love.


  52. On November 11th, 2010 at 11:23 pm CycleNinja Says:

    My day involved one flight into O’Hare and another out of O’Hare well past dark, and no flight delays or cancellations. I take that as a full-blown win.

    Oh, and the approach to Chicago at night is lovely (not as lovely as YOU, of course…)

    Take care of yourself for the merry band.

  53. On November 12th, 2010 at 12:13 am LindsayLu Says:

    If I were connected to some j-p drains, I would feel them a lot.
    Is that what it’s like to have…balls? Only instead of life-producing fluids, filled with injury-produced fluids?

  54. On November 12th, 2010 at 5:18 am Andra Says:

    My day? I missed my ovulation day… So, it pretty much sucked. 8 years now….. Irony sucks ass…

    I hope that they get those drains out.. pronto.. I have never had to have them, so I really cant relate… But, I have a visual of one of the Star trek movies, where the female Borg had tubes coming out of her.. ewww…

    Those wipes suck unless its an emergency..

    And, I am all for the adding bling to the binder. might get you some action! Or, it might only cheer you up.. give you something to look at whilst spending time looking at your abdomen, for hours upon hours on the couch…which would be good!

    Just get better…

  55. On November 12th, 2010 at 7:49 am Jenn Says:

    Love you, but eww.

  56. On November 12th, 2010 at 11:42 am pattypunker Says:

    boob leakage has to be easier than anal leakage, yes? i dunno, just shooting for a silver lining. and i’m pretty sure i missed.

    feel better puddin’, hope they come out today.

  57. On November 12th, 2010 at 2:14 pm SharleneT Says:

    It’s this glamorous you that keeps hubby coming back for more… And, of course, there’s always the comparison to help you know when you are at your most awesomeness! This will all be an anecdote (blog entry) within a few weeks… Come visit when you can…

  58. On November 14th, 2010 at 2:59 pm Bobbi Says:

    I can’t believe my hysterectomy has caused fewer problems than your surgery. I was all set to tell you how I can now empathize with over surgery after effects and I think I’m in better shape than you. No drains, 4 days post surgery and I only need good drugs at night, all I really want is to be able to cough without pain. So now instead of comparing stuff I have to tell you how badly I feel about how badly you feel. Cause I do.

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