Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride



Last fall, I set my sights on a new coat. It wasn’t just any old coat, of course, but an electric-blue Goal Weight Magic Trench Coat that I immediately called “my Sgt. Pepper’s coat.”

I imagined all of the antics my coat and I would get up to; the places we’d explore, the mischief we would manage. I’d found my Magic Coat at French Connection, and just as I was imagining my Trench Coat and I running off into the sunset after Gold Thieves a la Young Guns, I saw the price.

French-connection-magic-blue-coatAs brilliant a coat as it was, it wasn’t worth $300 bucks to me. Even if it WAS made by French Connection.

French Connection, I hear you Pranksters saying, why the shiballs would YOU Aunt Becky, shunner of all things fashionable, care? I mean, you own a NECKLACE with your NAME on it. Not very high fashion.

And I’d say, “Pranksters my love for French Connection is a long-standing. I’ve loved them more than I’ve loved anything else, ever. A company that could be so brazen, hilarious, yet refined at the same time is right up my alley.”

Oh Pranksters, let me show you why:


The full name of the company is “French Connection, United Kingdom,” and I am classily showing you why I care very, very much for this company.

Trust me, you wear this puppy in public and people stare. You’re using profanity without using profanity.

I own several FCUK shirts that say things like, “Bourbon FCUK,” “Too Busy To FCUK,” and “FCUK Me.” They rule.

Also: I put the “ass” in “classy.”

Anyway, my brilliantly gorgeous coat which, I should say, is not emblazoned with the “FCUK” moniker, well, it eventually went on sale. When the price dropped to $75, I decided it was Action Time.

Gleefully, I ordered my Magic Coat.

When it arrived, I hung it in my closet as added incentive for me to reach my Goal Weight. I’d see it magically hanging there, ensconced in plastic and remind myself that, hey, I didn’t need to eat bullshit food. Not when I had a jaunty blue Magic Coat eagerly waiting for me to wear it.

Weather in Chicago is one of three things: Ass Hot, Ass Cold, and Construction, and it’s been Ass Cold since I bought the coat. It wasn’t until this weekend that I had a chance to pull my jaunty Magic Trench Coat out.

It fit.

I’d made my goal weight*


It took a couple of hours for me to finally put my hands in the pockets of the Magic Trench Coat, and when I did, I was shocked when my fingers came across something. I’m not a person who uses my pockets as actual STORAGE (unlike my mother, who keeps the equivalent of a rolling suitcase in her pockets), so it was odd to feel ANYTHING.

I pulled out this mysterious object. Was it a bomb? A pen? A wad of used tissues? The Lindbergh baby?



A set of car keys.

Not MY car keys. Not Dave’s car keys either. Not car keys that belong to ANYONE I know.

My Magic Trench Coat came with a free car. A free Jaguar.

That coat really IS magic.

Now…I just have to find my car. Perhaps THAT is what my Epic Road Trip will involve: finding my new car. It’s not technically stealing if I own it already, right?

*probably. I don’t weigh myself.


What’s the weirdest thing you’ve found, Pranksters?

75 Comments to

“FCUK Yes”

  1. On April 4th, 2011 at 11:09 am SoberJulie Says:

    Hilarious and what a windfall!
    Now all you have to do is locate the factory, buy a flight and wander around the parking lot hitting the alarm button. I can’t imagine shipping home would be a problem.

  2. On April 4th, 2011 at 11:11 am Meg Says:

    Wow…that tops finding $20 in your spring jacket! That’s about the only thing I ever find…money or kleenex.
    I love FCUK, for the acronym and the memory of when I worked retail. We just got a bunch of FCUK clothes in to appeal to a younger crowd (yay old lady department stores)…anyway, the owners wife (well into her 70’s) came in and about had a heart-attack when she saw the labels. Next thing I new, we had to cut off all the labels that said FCUK, and replace them with store labels…I left that store soon after, but I laughed my ass off that afternoon.

  3. On April 4th, 2011 at 11:12 am No Good Says:

    You have the best closet! Diamonds, Jaguars, Narnia! It’s way better than any game show.

  4. On April 4th, 2011 at 11:14 am jennifer Says:

    Keys, too. I’d been babysitting for a family and when I left I managed to scoop my purse contents AND a ring of keys. When I found them in my bag the next day I didn’t know where they came from. Took me a couple of hours to figure it out.

  5. On April 4th, 2011 at 11:15 am Julie Says:

    Walking into Wal-Mart…something went clink, clink as I walked over it. I looked down and saw this god awful rose shaped flower ring with a large CZ stone in it. I picked it up, put it back down, and then picked it up again to turn in into the service counter. Guess what I found in my coat pocket 2 months later – yep. Thought I should have the stone checked before I pitched the whole thing. You guessed it – real diamond – 1.23 carats! Score – had it reset and wear everyday. Who puts a stone that size in a cheesy rose setting???

  6. On April 4th, 2011 at 12:51 pm MissHannah Says:

    Sorry but you should have handed that in whether to the police or to the store, that was probably really special to someone and worth so much money, or at least called them to ask if anyone had reported it missing.

  7. On April 4th, 2011 at 1:45 pm Julie Says:

    I did call the police and filed a report. I even put an ad in the newspaper using my own $$. No one ever came forward. Don’t assume……

  8. On April 4th, 2011 at 3:23 pm Paula Says:

    If it was special to someone, he/she would have been more careful with it.

  9. On April 5th, 2011 at 6:57 am MissHannah Says:

    thats ok then. Apologies for assuming, your message just read like you went straight out and got it reset!

  10. On April 4th, 2011 at 11:16 am Brooke Says:

    Wow, I never get a free car when I buy a jacket. And I buy a lot of jackets, for being an Arizonan. Guess I betting start FCUKing shopping more.

  11. On April 4th, 2011 at 11:17 am Lianne Marie Binks Says:

    I found a piece of catshit on the floor of the kitchen of my house after my tenants finally moved out yesterday. That was pretty weird, and disgusting.

  12. On April 4th, 2011 at 11:18 am Lianne Marie Binks Says:

    Also – I have tons of FCUK t-shirts and I absolutely love them.

    My favourite says “I may not be totally perfect but parts of me are fcuking excellent”


  13. On April 4th, 2011 at 11:19 am Lynn MacDonald (All Fooked Up) Says:

    this! THIS! is why i must have you join me with my clever idea, which i can’t divulge in public…YET! I love when people get free cars.

    So, back to what i was saying…i have this idea and i need, NEED, you to get on board.

    You can wear your trench coat while doing so. See ya

  14. On April 4th, 2011 at 11:19 am MommyLisa Says:

    WOW. That is CRAZYPANTS. Why would that be in the coat pocket?

  15. On April 4th, 2011 at 11:20 am steph gas Says:

    woohoo! free jag! neat.

    also, fcuk is very popular with the english that come to the disney area for vacation. you see many a tee emblazoned with FCUK all over disney. and often, they are inside out because disney security or guest relations will ask them to do so as not to seem as classy as aunt motherfucking becky.

    or because people look at it and think it says ‘fuck’. and think that’s inappropriate for the happiest place on earth.

  16. On April 5th, 2011 at 10:39 am katrina Says:

    ha ha ha ha….that’s what students have to do in the high schools here. Fcuking ridiculous!

  17. On April 4th, 2011 at 11:25 am amber Says:

    Dang. I need a jacket like that. Congrats on getting to your goal weight…my skinny jeans are still laughing at me.

  18. On April 4th, 2011 at 11:27 am Kristy Says:

    Wow, this is all full of the Bad Ass. Nice. The strangest thing I ever found? Hmm. I was riding in a taxi once. I was like, “What’s this?!” I reached down and picked up a piece of tin foil with some black stuff in it. I squawked, “What’s this?! Black tar heroin?!” The cab driver, without saying a word, swiftly and fast as lightning, reached back, grabbed it out of my hands, and threw it out the window. He then let me out without saying a word.

  19. On April 4th, 2011 at 11:34 am Christa Says:

    That is awesome. Thanks for the much needed laugh!

    Coolest thing ever to be wrongfully included with my purchase? I bought this pretty little wood carved bowl with a silver basin. After I took it out of the shipping box and had it sitting on the table for a while I kept hearing a scratching sound. A very mean scratching sound with an occassional scuttle of running. Some kind of bug or whatever was trapped inside the bowl between the wood and the silver layer. Beyond freaky. I put it in the freezer for a few days to make sure whatever it was died. Then sent it back.

  20. On April 4th, 2011 at 11:38 am mumma boo Says:

    Now, that is full of the win. Somewhere there is an electric blue Jaguar just waiting for you to show up in your electric blue trench coat. There are probably instructions for a super-secret spy mission in the glovebox, too. Along with a pair of matching gloves. And maybe a fedora. Dude, you need to find that car.

  21. On April 4th, 2011 at 11:38 am Melissa Says:

    Well obviously someone spent the $300 for the coat and then had a bit of an issue with the wallet, because they drove a Jaaaaaggg! Too funny. But do you want to be known as the sort of person who drives a Jaaaagg? And if you care to know what I’m rambling about as I sit here and laugh at myself hysterically, check out this clip and skip to .40 seconds in.

  22. On April 4th, 2011 at 11:39 am Chris in PHX Says:

    Quick…check the inside pockets, your Whore Pants might be in there!

  23. On April 4th, 2011 at 1:51 pm Tina Says:

    oooh!!! Or maybe your Whore Pants are in the trunk of the Jag!!!!

  24. On April 4th, 2011 at 11:55 am Elly Lou Says:

    Is it just me, or does the unlock icon always remind you of looking at an elephant standing on the edge of a gutter from behind? No? Just me? Sigh.

  25. On April 4th, 2011 at 1:54 pm Tina Says:

    hahaahahaaa!!! it will from now on!! Thanks!!!

  26. On April 4th, 2011 at 11:59 am Mary B Says:

    It’s a Magic Closet! When you sell your house, you should list it as one of the features.
    Once upon a time, when I lost 65 pounds, I also lost my engagement ring. It turned up in my month old car in a door pocket that I didn’t even know I had.
    A more typical event is when I went to the supermarket and found something sticky under the handle of the shopping cart. Yes, it was a booger.

  27. On April 4th, 2011 at 12:04 pm Jennifer Says:

    That must mean the coat was returned by a streaker and now you are going to have their bare ass all over you when you wear it.

  28. On April 4th, 2011 at 12:12 pm Allison Says:

    My favorite by far is “Born to FCUK”. Back home that Martini Girls (as we are affectionately called) used to go out in FCUK shirts with classic saying to the local bars. And when I say affectionately called I mean this is what we called ourselves to seem fancy, much better than “drunk bitches who will cut you if you get between us and a Blueberry Martini”.

  29. On April 4th, 2011 at 12:25 pm Pam Says:

    Pretty sure that FCUK is now DD4’s brand new favorite shopping place. And I haven’t even shown her your post yet! LOL

  30. On April 4th, 2011 at 12:34 pm MissHannah Says:

    GORGEOUS coat (I have a red one and a sage green one)

    If only I knew of the magic key locating talents of yoru coat when I was turning my house upsaide down trying to find my only car key! Finally located nesting in my 2yr old son’s trainset?

  31. On April 4th, 2011 at 12:51 pm Andie Says:

    Wow.. I wonder how one would go about tracking down the cinderella car that goes with those keys?

    Congrats on hitting goal. I have a pair of red-plaid punk rock goal pants hanging in my closet. Size 11.

  32. On April 4th, 2011 at 2:40 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Goal clothes are SO important.

  33. On April 4th, 2011 at 1:04 pm Becky Mochaface Says:

    So if I order that coat will I get the keys to a Mercedes?

    Congrats on making your goal!

  34. On April 4th, 2011 at 2:39 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Who knows!? Maybe you WILL win it.

  35. On April 4th, 2011 at 1:11 pm Anne Says:

    I have never before heard of this company. And now the only thing I can think is, “God God, why?!?” Why have I never heard of this company? WHY am I NOT the proud owner of anything that says FCUK?

    This must be remedied. And soon.

  36. On April 4th, 2011 at 2:37 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    And HOW!

  37. On April 4th, 2011 at 1:31 pm Ann Says:

    So if I hang up some shirts with wolves on ’em in my closet I’ll hit my goal weight too?

  38. On April 4th, 2011 at 2:37 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    YES. Exactly.

  39. On April 4th, 2011 at 2:18 pm MiniPeds Says:

    I just saw a commercial this weekend that said FCUK will soon be sold at SEARS nationwide. You’re all welcome 🙂

  40. On April 4th, 2011 at 3:18 pm Lady Estrogen Says:

    LOVE the jacket – so very much. I have a similar one… but it’s only from The Gap… deeesgusting compared to FCUK. LOL.

  41. On April 4th, 2011 at 4:29 pm gaylin Says:

    How to NOT fit into goal clothes:

    Bacon Jam!

    Not as good as finding a Jaguar in your pocket . . .

  42. On April 4th, 2011 at 4:40 pm Melissa Says:

    I lurve your coat! Congratulations. And you know the Jaguar lady just wore it for an event and kept the tags tucked in so she could return it. Sneaky McSneakerson. Not that I have ever done anything like that. Nope, not me.

  43. On April 4th, 2011 at 5:05 pm Lori Says:

    MAN!!! I want a coat that comes with a free car! I never get lucky like that. WAH!!!!

  44. On April 4th, 2011 at 5:45 pm AngieM. Says:

    i’m sure if you asked the pranksters to donate .5 to your paypal account they totally would. i bet you could then purchase that sweet fcuking coat!!

    also, congrats on making goal 🙂

    i’ve never found anything weird, other than stepping on a used condom at a park once and practically vomiting. ya, i didnt feel so lucky.

  45. On April 5th, 2011 at 9:37 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Blech. That’s just nasty!

  46. On April 4th, 2011 at 9:17 pm kittyn Says:

    Ummm… I don’t find cool stuff.

    Oh, wait, once I was bored and clicking random links and found this one blog you might have heard of, MommyWantsVodka? It’s pretty awesome:)

    Seriously, about the niftiest thing I ever found was a sterling dragon ring that I wore on my left thumb for about 3 years straight.

  47. On April 5th, 2011 at 9:37 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Bwahahahahaha! Yay for Mommy Wants Vodka. Also: dragon rings!

  48. On April 4th, 2011 at 9:38 pm MamaRobinJ Says:

    Wait, it was a NEW coat? And you found keys in the pocket? SO weird.

    Hot coat, though, even if you never find the car.

  49. On April 5th, 2011 at 9:36 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I may have to go on a mission to find that car. It’s clearly MINE.

  50. On April 4th, 2011 at 9:51 pm sparkly jules Says:

    Wow. I think FCUK is almost better than FUCLA. 😀

    Must have.


  51. On April 5th, 2011 at 9:26 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Right? I am BLOWN AWAY by it’s awesomeness.

  52. On April 4th, 2011 at 9:54 pm Babbalou Says:

    I was shopping in a TJ Max once, looking at expensive leather briefcase-sized handbags, and found someone’s business papers in the inside pocket. I guess if you’re going to use something and then return it to the store, you probably should remove your work documents first. Or your car keys. Jeesh! And I thought I had brainless moments!

  53. On April 5th, 2011 at 9:36 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Oh that’s AWESOME. I totally have a story like that!

  54. On April 4th, 2011 at 10:10 pm Rachel Says:

    Omg. Where can I get the FCUk jacket. LOL. Best. Ever.

  55. On April 4th, 2011 at 10:11 pm PeteInAz Says:


    That’s a house key.

    Maybe you got a castle instead of a car.

  56. On April 5th, 2011 at 9:16 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    IT’S BOTH.

    It’s got to be a castle. NO DOUBT.

  57. On April 4th, 2011 at 11:06 pm Domestic Spaz Says:

    It’s an occupational hazard of mine that I find stuff in pockets all the time. Usually just wadded up tissues, though. Once I found opera ticket stubs and one special time I found two dollars. But mostly just wadded up tissues.

  58. On April 5th, 2011 at 9:16 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I found cash in my server apron years after I retired from serving. That was awesome.

  59. On April 4th, 2011 at 11:55 pm injaynesworld Says:

    That coat is all kinds of awesome. I’m glad you got it for yourself. And now I’m off to FCUK for a t-shirt.

  60. On April 5th, 2011 at 9:16 am Your Aunt Becky Says:


  61. On April 4th, 2011 at 11:55 pm Losing Brownies Says:

    I’ve only ever found lint or occasionally money. Car keys rock!

  62. On April 5th, 2011 at 9:15 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Once I found 12 cents in my coat pocket. That was very boring.

  63. On April 5th, 2011 at 12:04 am Tia Says:

    That is one awesome coat, because it reminds me of something a James Bond lady villain would wear. You’d make a great lady villain, Becky.

  64. On April 5th, 2011 at 9:15 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Oh yes. The Super Villain Streak in my hair makes it EVEN BETTER.

  65. On April 5th, 2011 at 7:08 am John Says:

    I don’t weigh myself either.

    I totally expect a post, sometime in the near future, explaining “did you know it was frowned upon to randomly walk up to and try to start Jaguars in parking lots?”

  66. On April 5th, 2011 at 9:15 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I cannot wait to write that post.

  67. On April 5th, 2011 at 7:53 am Stacey Says:

    Somehow once I ended up with a set of keys found at a party I didn’t even go to. No one ever claimed them and, sadly, I never found the BMW that went to them. Maybe if I had a hot magic coat like yours I’d have had more luck.

  68. On April 5th, 2011 at 8:08 am Vicky (Miss Anarchy) Says:

    I have loved French Connection for years for the same reasons.

    We once found keys to a BMW while vacationing in Savannah. It was on a ghost tour, so maybe the ghosts dropped them. Unfortunately I wasn’t able to find my “”gifted” car either.

  69. On April 5th, 2011 at 9:51 am Suniverse Says:

    I really hope you’re walking around, beeping that at every Jaguar you see. Finders keepers, right?

    I never find anything good. Wait. Once, when I was in college and really broke, I found a paper bag with a pop and $20 in it. I threw away the pop but kept the $20.

  70. On April 5th, 2011 at 10:11 am vickilikesfrogs Says:

    I would have drank the pop.

  71. On April 5th, 2011 at 10:15 am The Mommy Therapy Says:

    That coat is amazing! It’s beautiful and it’s growing keys to luxury cars. You should contact a morning show, they will surely be interested.

    I found a twenty dollar bill in my cul de sac when I was around 10. I truly believed my work in life was over, I was set for life. Then my Mom made me go around to all the neighbors and ask if they had lost some money and my mean neighbor said he had, took my twenty. Seriously, what old man takes away found money from an honest little 10 year old? Fucker.

    My dream is that you have the keys to his car that he used my whole twenty dollars to purchase and now his dream has been stolen too. Thought it would be weird for you to find his keys from Indiana and I think he also might be dead which would mean he really doesn’t need his car anyway and there is no fun taking stuff from mean dead people.

  72. On April 5th, 2011 at 11:09 am Tiffany @ MomNom Says:

    this would only happen to you. seriously.

  73. On April 5th, 2011 at 11:16 am Que Says:

    I think I’m falling in love… with the shirt! I now have a favorite clothing company. I used to HATE shopping but THIS… THIS I can get into. You have opening mine eyes. I would write some more but I have to online shop as well as come up with a good list of reasons why my wife shouldn’t deny me this one simple pleasure.

  74. On April 5th, 2011 at 2:05 pm Sarah S Says:

    I love the coat! $300 would be a good deal if all the coats come with Jags.

    I don’t think I’ve ever found anything lucky, but I did once find car keys hanging off the dumpster at our old apartment. We never did figure out who they belonged to or how they got there.

  75. On April 20th, 2011 at 2:08 am Emily Says:

    A bra and a bag of chips in my LOCKED car (when my boyfriend was living in the ghetto).

    PS My keys were with me the entire time.

Email will not be published

Website example

Your Comment:

My site was nominated for Best Humor Blog!
My site was nominated for Hottest Mommy Blogger!
Back By Popular Demand...