Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Father ‘Hood


Several months after The Daver and I started dating, he flew home from somewhere (boy were his arms tired!) and somehow, rather than allowing him to take the pee-stained EL home, Ben and I went to pick him up at the airport. It was the first time he’d met Ben in the flesh (as my boyfriend) and although he told me later that he was nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs (he totes didn’t use that phrase, but I wish he had because how awesome is that?), it didn’t show.

Ben was a strange kid who didn’t exactly attach himself easily to people so I was quaking in my Uggs. All for nothing. The two of them hit it off all he’s the cheese and I’m the macaroni style. I can honestly tell you that I’d never seen anything like it. They danced and grooved to Erasure (don’t judge my music, people), Ben allowed Dave to carry him across a busy road, and Dave began the first of many Making Sure Ben Drank His Milk With Dinner campaigns.

That was the night that Daver became a father. I’d say it was a choice, but it wasn’t really. Not anymore than one can choose whom they fall in love with. Had it not been over for Dave by then, it was then. He was done, cooked, a father and a partner.

The whole ride back home that night I heard nothing but this from my normally silent child: “Oh…BYE, Dave” in the most mournful tone you can imagine. He never said “Mommy” but “Dave” was the 5th or 6th word in his vocabulary.

It’s still probably his most used word to date.

Every single day when I hear my eldest beg to stay up to see Dave when he comes home, my middle son to say mournfully (again with the damn mournful!) “Dada…work.” If his words could have a frowny face, they would. Then my daughter, the light of my life, wiggles her whole body with utter happiness when she sees her beloved Daddy come into her line of sight.

I know how lucky we all are.

So Happy Father’s Day to you, The Daver, o! the Prime Minister of Poopy Diapers and the King of all Tickle Fests. We raise our glasses (and bottles of milk to you today).

It’s not a glamorous swinging life, this poo-stained, vomit-encrusted, stinky existence. Sure you traded living downtown for a house in the ‘burbs and the Integra for a mini-van. But it’s a nice house; it’s OUR house, and shit, the van really is fucking useful.

And you, like the rest of us, wouldn’t change it for anything. (Except maybe Prada. But it would have to be a REALLY nice Prada bag or something. But I digress.)

Okay, for that, I am totally putting up THIS picture rather than the super corny shit that I could have. Happy Father’s Day, love.


You see this ring? IT MEANS I OWN YOU.

If there are any other dudes out there who read my estrogen-laden blog, I wish you a happy, Happy Father’s Day as well. May your grills be grill-y and all of your sausages cooked. Except, you know, THOSE sausages.

Wow. THAT was awkward.

44 Comments to

“Father ‘Hood”

  1. On June 21st, 2009 at 2:50 am eden Says:

    ‘Boy were his arms tired’


    Love the pic, love.

  2. On June 21st, 2009 at 5:26 am Inna Says:

    awww, that’s adorable!
    Happy Father’s Day, Dave.

  3. On June 21st, 2009 at 5:36 am zelzee Says:

    What a great post!
    He sounds awesome………but how could he not be with an awesome family in tow?

    Happy Fathers Day to the Daver!
    He knows it’s the best seat in the house.

  4. On June 21st, 2009 at 6:44 am Kristina Says:

    Awesome post, sounds like you got a good one! 🙂

  5. On June 21st, 2009 at 6:00 am Dana Says:

    Awww …

    Lucky is a funny word – its definition changes over time!

  6. On June 21st, 2009 at 6:07 am kalakly Says:

    Happy Daddy Day and all that jazz!

  7. On June 21st, 2009 at 6:52 am Eternally Distracted Says:

    Happy Father’s Day Dave!

    Loving the blog, very funny. I stumbled across it, the name grabbed my attention. I was standing in a very large queue recently when a toddler tugged at her Mum’s arms, looked at her lovingly and said ”Mum, when I grow up I want to be an alcohol like you …” Kids – You gotta love ’em! :0)

  8. On June 21st, 2009 at 8:38 am Ms. Moon Says:

    All of us who have the great fortune to have found the daddies for our children are lucky beyond belief.
    Happy Father’s Day, Daver.

  9. On June 21st, 2009 at 7:47 am Hope Says:

    Happy Daddy’s Day Dave! You and Becky make such a cute couple – in the Bonnie and Clyde genre, of course. Actually, now that I think about it, I don’t think there has EVER been a picture posted of you and Becky together. Are you really a married couple or just this model/actor who likes to be photographed with sticky poo-stained kids?
    Inquiring minds want to know. And let’s see a photo of the 2 of you together – you know how to use the timer on your camera, don’t you.
    Happy Father’s Day!

  10. On June 21st, 2009 at 8:48 am RJ Flamingo Says:

    Your Dave sounds awesome! And he totally deserves you. Take that as you will. I wrote about my own dad today – something I’ve never done except in passing. Nothing traumatic. Well, except for that one time with the chickens…

    Have a wonderful day!

  11. On June 21st, 2009 at 8:42 am Fancy Says:

    Awesome post. You can’t make someone be a Daddy, some men just are.

  12. On June 21st, 2009 at 8:46 am Kymberli Says:

    I love the Daver, too. Who couldn’t love a guy like him? I love it when men fall in love with their children, but not in that creepy Chester Chester kind of way.

  13. On June 21st, 2009 at 9:30 am Suzy Says:

    Such a sweet post! Happy Father’s Day, Daver!!

  14. On June 21st, 2009 at 9:40 am habanerogal Says:

    That was a great becoming a macaroni and cheese pair story. We share the same kind of story and I believe my son could not have turned out better because of my viking-hubby.

  15. On June 21st, 2009 at 9:43 am vodkamom Says:

    oh my God that was HYSTERICAL!!

    “See this ring? It means I own you”

    i loved it.

  16. On June 21st, 2009 at 10:25 am Says:

    lol ,love the picture , love the comment under the picture, ah what the hell .
    i love this blog.

    happy fathers day to all the dads out there

  17. On June 21st, 2009 at 10:33 am Ginger Magnolia Says:

    Hooray for daddies!

  18. On June 21st, 2009 at 10:45 am DG at Diaryofamadbathroom Says:

    Sounds like you and your tots have a good guy (who gives the finger with admirable confidence). Happy Father’s Day to the Daver and I hope his Father’s Day gift is something really cool, like maybe a felt pizza suit.

  19. On June 21st, 2009 at 11:49 am Notesfromthegrove Says:

    Haha! So cute about Ben. Don’t feel bad…my nephew prefers dudes to chicks any day.

    Happy Fathers Day, Dave!

  20. On June 21st, 2009 at 11:16 am Heather P. Says:

    AWW! Happy Father’s Day!

  21. On June 21st, 2009 at 11:47 am Venti Vixen Says:

    I friggin love the caption on the picture. And I’m right there with you on the Prada *sigh*

  22. On June 21st, 2009 at 11:56 am Danielle Says:

    Happy Father’s day, Daver!

  23. On June 21st, 2009 at 1:10 pm heather Says:

    Happy Father’s Day, Daver! 🙂

  24. On June 21st, 2009 at 1:40 pm nicole Says:

    Happy ((chosen)) Father’s day!

    I hope you all have a sloppy love fest today.

  25. On June 21st, 2009 at 2:36 pm Employee No. 3699 Says:

    Happy Father’s Day to your Daver! I found a keeper too when my husband agreed to take on two teenagers…TWO TEENAGERS! Gotta love these guys.

  26. On June 21st, 2009 at 1:50 pm Kristin Says:

    Love the picture and the story. Happy Father’s Day Daver.

  27. On June 21st, 2009 at 2:57 pm Betty M Says:

    Great photo. Have a great day Dave!

  28. On June 21st, 2009 at 5:56 pm lettergirl Says:

    That’s awesome. I hope Dave has had a wonderful Father’s Day. Also, DYING at the photo caption.

  29. On June 21st, 2009 at 7:57 pm Lindsey Says:


  30. On June 21st, 2009 at 8:58 pm Emily R Says:

    well, at least you were home for father’s day.

  31. On June 21st, 2009 at 9:57 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    That is totally what I reminded myself. And my refunded hotel money? Went toward a new dishwasher. Dude. I hate being a grown-up sometimes.

  32. On June 22nd, 2009 at 6:36 am Jenn Says:

    Umm, I’m too tired to comment properly but I wanted you to know I was here. 😉

  33. On June 22nd, 2009 at 9:02 am ryanandjoesmom Says:

    Hope you properly cooked the Daver’s sausage for him…. wink wink

  34. On June 22nd, 2009 at 8:47 am Stacey@Havoc&Mayhem Says:

    Awesome photo! 🙂

  35. On June 22nd, 2009 at 10:02 am SciFi Dad Says:

    Happy Father’s Day, Daver, even if your wife did suggest I cook my ‘nads.

  36. On June 22nd, 2009 at 10:00 am Kristine Says:

    Happy father’s day.

  37. On June 22nd, 2009 at 10:22 am Mrs Soup Says:

    Hilarious! Happy Daddy Day!

  38. On June 22nd, 2009 at 10:42 am mumma boo Says:

    Happy Dada Day, Daver!

  39. On June 22nd, 2009 at 1:22 pm lady lemon Says:

    What a good Daver you have.

  40. On June 22nd, 2009 at 6:18 pm Mimi Says:

    You had me at “Wow. THAT was awkward.” And the picture is the best daddy pic ever. Why can’t I find some like those on iStock? And I’m a Gucci girl myself. Would sell my children for a nice Gucci handbag.

  41. On June 22nd, 2009 at 6:58 pm foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog) Says:

    Pretty lucky man you got yourself there. I think that hand gesture he’s giving is, in fact, the universal gesture for luck.

  42. On June 23rd, 2009 at 3:16 pm lola Says:

    Awwww, that is the cutest picture you’ve ever posted 😉

  43. On November 9th, 2009 at 6:29 pm Best Wife In The Whole World Says:

    ‘quaking in my Uggs’.

    I Lol’d. 🙂

    I still love the screaming of my kids, “Daddy’s home!!” Highlight of my day.

  44. On November 10th, 2009 at 11:30 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Highlight of my day too! Ha.

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