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Everything I Needed To Learn, I Learned From Skymall

June27

My favorite part of traveling, besides getting some Hot TSA Action, is Skymall. I don’t think there’s much I love more than Skymall. When Your Aunt Becky boards a plane, the first thing she does is scour the seats for a new copy of Skymall.

I then proceed to annoy everyone around me by giggling profusely and yelling things like, “Y’all, who needs a Kitty Shitter? Because I do.”

Today, Pranksters, after a weekend of blogging conference wherein I learned some bloggers actually get TRIPS paid for them, whereas I am pretty sure Uncrustables is gearing up to sue me for mentioning their name, I am bringing you a list. A list of what I want from Skymall. My birthday is coming up, you know*.

Because hey, it doesn’t look like I’m going to be getting my yacht for blogging any time soon.

*I’m not actually asking anyone buy me a gift because that’s just awkward.

The new push in social media is “branding,” right? The whole “branding” conversation makes my eyeballs bleed….unless, I am actually able to BRAND things.

Like I could with this.

I could brand EVERYONE I know with a fancy MWV rather than passing out business cards. This is a total win.

Over the weekend, I got into a conversation with some of my friends about death and cemeteries. Because I am a Fun-Guy to be with and we clearly know how to party.

And I decided that, along with the out-of-work-actors I’d pay to weep and howl at my graveside in shifts every day, I required THIS statue to go on my grave somewhere. This just seems to be an obvious choice for me.

Ah, the infamous Kitty Shitter.

Why HIDE that pesky Kitty Shitter when you can leave it RIGHT THERE IN THE OPEN? With a fake potted plant atop it to boot! Certainly, no one would suspect that it could be a place for cats to put their feces, right?

But here’s my question: wouldn’t you rather your guests SEE the litter box so that when your cat takes a wild dump, your guest isn’t sitting there uncomfortably wondering if YOU, perhaps, have just shit yourself?

It’s things like these that keep me awake at night.

I need this chair to continue blogging.

Period.

P.S. It’s not tacky AT ALL.

P.P.S. No. It’s not. Shut your whore mouth.

Talk about “where the magic happens.”

I require this.

But I’m nervous that when I install it, I’ll be that creepy person that’s all, “HAI, WANNA TAKE A SHOWER?” to every person that walks into my house. Including my parents.

#awkward

Now, they SAY there are “more sizes available” but do you think that any of these might fit someone who’s 5’5″? This is important, Pranksters. See, now, *I* have anxiety and no one has offered ME a soothing blanket. That’s bullshit.

I might need a Dog Anxiety Blanket for me.

————-

So what’s been up while I’ve been busily scouring SkyMall, Pranksters?

posted under Aunt Becky Has VD, Why Mommy Needs Vodka, You Shut Your Whore Mouth

59 Comments to

“Everything I Needed To Learn, I Learned From Skymall”

On June 27th, 2011 at 10:37 am Sara Says:
I take a copy of SkyMall with me every time I get off a plane. I guess they’re free; no one has ever stopped me. That shit is awesome though! I have a whole host of things I’m going to order from SkyMall when I win the lottery.
On June 27th, 2011 at 10:37 am AngieM. Says:
oh, the craptastic things they sell in that magazine!!! i think my fave is the life size sasquatch.
On June 27th, 2011 at 10:50 am Kymberli Says:
SkyMall has always been boss. If they gave out free Xanax right along with those catalogues, I’d fly all the time.
On June 27th, 2011 at 10:51 am FireMom Says:
Oh snap. That peeing fountain thing made me snort my coffee. We TOTALLY HAD THAT CONVERSATION. Which I did just need to yell at you.
On June 27th, 2011 at 10:56 am Jen Says:
Skymall is my favorite part of flying too. When I travel with my husband we look through it and pick out who we would buy these things for.
On June 27th, 2011 at 10:57 am Me Says:
This is absolutely hysterical and as soon as I win lotto, I will buy you all of it.
On June 27th, 2011 at 11:01 am Angela L Says:
Since there happens to be a Showtime ad in your sidebar I’m hoping you’re a dedicated “Weeds” watcher like myself. If not, you totally have to start.

The family went to hide out with Nancy’s former high school teacher who had been pining away for her for years, just knowing she would return. Only now he is a postal worker who owns EVERY.GODDAMN.THING. in the skymall catalog. Nothing about that says batshit crazy, nothing.

Must watch. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0gh4Zh-fu7o
On June 27th, 2011 at 11:08 am Your Aunt Becky Says:
Um. So I saw that, right? And I was all, ZOMG, I AM SO JEALOUS OF THE BATSHIT CRAZY MAN.
On June 27th, 2011 at 11:06 am Angie H Says:
Ok maybe it’s just me but, I always feel like the SkyMall catalog is like Fingerhut for flyers with the bonus of it having LESS shit that costs MORE and you don’t get to make the bazillion payments.

Angie M…. http://www.skymall.com/images/products/0a/24/0c/203688525x.jpg Just go on and get it. You know you want it.
On June 27th, 2011 at 11:33 am Spikiecat Says:
I so want the “magic” shower head (the relaxing one, of course ). Couple that with a Thundershirt and I would be good to go!

My daughter works in a pet store and the Thundershirts sell like crazy. It’s the same principle as wrapping a newborn (or trussing a mental patient). My adult daughter *has* chronic anxiety and we have discussed “papoosing” her in the case of medicinal failure. Hmmm, perhaps I’m on to something…
On June 27th, 2011 at 11:46 am Karen Says:
My brother’s ex-wife has that faucet thingy in the shower!! I always thought it was creepy, but my nephew – who is 4 and knows nothing about “the magic” – loves it and talks about it all the time.
On June 27th, 2011 at 11:55 am txjennk Says:
I’d get that branding iron but I’m afraid the husband would actually decide to brand me. I really don’t want REK stamped to my ass. If I wanted a divorce I’d just go get them tattooed. But I’m in love with the shower head. Purple water!!!! Of course then my family would KNOW I’m crazy instead of just suspect. I suspect.
On June 27th, 2011 at 5:34 pm Coleen Says:
Please, please PLEASE tell me that you would sing “Purple Rain” in the shower EVERY TIME. Because I know I would
On June 27th, 2011 at 11:55 am Bekah Says:
The skymall catalog is my six year old’s bible, he will pour over it for HOURS. We actually ordered a Harry Porter Wand and it is REALLY COOL.
On June 27th, 2011 at 11:55 am Bekah Says:
The skymall catalog is my six year old’s bible, he will pour over it for HOURS. We actually ordered a Harry Porter Wand and it is REALLY COOL.
On June 27th, 2011 at 11:56 am Steph Says:
Go to abilitations.com and you can get a weighted vest or blanket, or a squeeze vest. A thundershirt for people.
On June 27th, 2011 at 11:56 am Steph Says:
Go to abilitations.com and you can get a weighted vest or blanket, or a squeeze vest. A thundershirt for people.
On June 27th, 2011 at 12:02 pm VEG Says:
I call BULLSHIT on Skymall because not only do we not get to have such wondrous magazines in our seats when flying, we cannot even order this magnificent crap off the internet because CANADA is apparently dead to Skymall.

See? Bullshit.
On June 27th, 2011 at 2:01 pm ChiMomWriter Says:
That’s how they keep us here in the US. Otherwise we’d all go to Canada. But as soon as we hop the plane to flee, BAM! SkyMall.
On June 27th, 2011 at 12:29 pm Leigh Says:
I too need King Tut’s chair. It would be a perfect fit for my hodge-podge “are you still in college?” look. I think it might need a gold lamé pillow with beaded fringe, especially if it will be used as a blogging chair.
On June 27th, 2011 at 12:44 pm Leslie Says:
You need 2 branding irons – 1 that says “OMG” and 1 that says “WTF” to brand on your BBQ.

I seriously might have to buy that showerhead.
On June 27th, 2011 at 1:16 pm Jolie Says:
My Mom got 2 thundershirts. one dog now lays on the thing all the time. The other has no issues putting it on but doesn’t seem as addicted to it. Mom said it’s like catnip for dogs, they lay through the storms like they’re stoned, and she’s had a blast making fun of them. Much better than them trying to climb up on her head at the oncoming of a storm! 🙂
On June 27th, 2011 at 1:59 pm ChiMomWriter Says:
I don’t want to install any shower head that will encourage my husband to bother me there. I already have two kids constantly poking their heads in when I try to wash. The shower is my only happy place left.

Who says romance is dead?
On June 27th, 2011 at 3:38 pm Elise Says:
I love that the chair is described as “attention demanding.” Lots of people describe their children that way, but it’s not okay to sit on *them* is it? And what is with the “quality designer resin” description on two different products? Is that like designer jeans, but for artwork?
On June 27th, 2011 at 8:48 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
I believe it’s all fancy-talk for “you own a tacky ass chair.”
On June 27th, 2011 at 3:48 pm Alexis Says:
Seriously, Aunt Becky, you just did my shopping for Christmas, my mom’s birthday, and my parents’ anniversary. I haven’t yet decided who gets the statue of the kid peeing, but SOMEONE’s getting it. My dad’s getting the King Tut chair. my mom’s getting the Kitty Shitter. We don’t have a cat, but the gift is too great to pass up. Maybe she’ll get a cat once she owns the Kitty Shitter. That dog anxiety blanket is straight out of the work of Temple Grandin, the autistic woman who semi-functions in a non-autistic world. If she has her shit together this month, she may even sue for some sort of an infringement on one of her patents. I don’t really care, though. I’m ordering one for my Golden Retriever.
On June 27th, 2011 at 8:48 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
I require all of these. Immediately, if not sooner.
On June 27th, 2011 at 4:14 pm Liz @ The Six Year Itch Says:
What if you could brand professional mourners? My mom is really into the idea of my sister and I hiring people to cry for her and jump on her casket. I’m thinking we may go acrobats and hit up the circus for a few loaners. Clearly, she wishes we weren’t branded with “shitty daughter.” But, the hide-a-shitter may make up for it.
On June 27th, 2011 at 4:32 pm Wombat Central Says:
If they’re selling King Tut’s “throne” that thing better be a terlit. Just sayin’.
On June 27th, 2011 at 4:52 pm Egg Donor Bank Expert Says:
oh the skymall, gotta love it. i love how the magazine has totally made a name for itself. you mention the name and everyone knows what you’re talking about and quickly the jokes or comments begin about the unique product offerings they have. love it and great topic for a post.
On June 27th, 2011 at 5:17 pm Sarah S Says:
I just posted about Skymall! Does this mean I might be as awesome as you? Skymall is my favorite thing ever and the only reason to fly.
On June 27th, 2011 at 5:22 pm Anthony from CharismaticKid Says:
I hear that every contestant on the gameshow, “Hoarders: Buried Alive” gets a lifetime subscription to Skymall sent to their door every month.
On June 27th, 2011 at 5:33 pm Coleen Says:
SkyMall no longer has the hot dog toaster.

It is dead to me
On June 27th, 2011 at 6:39 pm kelli Says:
I love you….ok when you say it out loud it feels a bit creepy.
On June 27th, 2011 at 7:03 pm SFD Says:
Does the dog really think that blanket will protect it from branding? I mean, his whole ass is exposed. I think he needs to back up into the litter planter pot thing.
On June 27th, 2011 at 7:34 pm Evil Twin's Wife Says:
When my cat takes a dump, no one smells it. She does it on the toilet (actually, she uses 2 of the three we have here). We don’t own a kitty shitter. Just the toilets. No, she doesn’t wipe or flush, but I don’t mind checking the potty for cat turds and then flushing for her. It’s definitely easier than cleaning out a smelly cat box. LOL.
On June 27th, 2011 at 8:22 pm Tracie Says:
Sky Mall is the best.

I want a brand. It really would make those “branding” conversations so much more fun.
On June 27th, 2011 at 8:38 pm Catherine@happinesssafterheartache Says:
This is too funny! So much in the Skymall is completely necessary. Even Stephen Colbert loves it (A Colbert Christmas; the Greatest Gift of All). I can’t wait to take my 2-year-old twins on a plane next year – they can make their Christmas wish list out of it.
On June 27th, 2011 at 11:03 pm SharleneT. Says:
I hope you’re standing at the door because I’ve ordered each and every one of those items for YOU! You have to wonder about the folks who invent those things; don’t you? I just did an oven — they do things like oven coats! But, I love the magazine (and have been known to take them with me when I leave the plane.) Love the post.
On June 28th, 2011 at 2:40 am Alexis Says:
Dear Aunt becky,
One thing I’ve never seen for sale in Sky Mall is the (as seen on TV) Bra Baby. Do you have a Bra Baby, or have you ever seen one? I bought one in Walmart or Kmart or Target (I get them confused and can never remember what I bought in which one). I’m giving it to someone — probably a female — for Christmas, but I haven’t yet decided who among my motley crue of relatives will receive this choice gift.
Sincerely,
Alexis
On June 28th, 2011 at 9:36 am Your Aunt Becky Says:
Um. That would be ME.
On June 28th, 2011 at 10:18 am Pamela Gold Says:
I am all over the shower head water color changer thing. I’d have to pull a Kramer though {ala Seinfeld} and start cooking in the shower because? Who would ever want to get out?
On June 28th, 2011 at 12:19 pm Liz Says:
My son wears a vest like the Thunderblanket at school. He finds it very soothing, sometimes. Other times it’s like giving a kid a large bucket of Jolt cola and skittles. I want the kid peeing statue. As a fountain. I would have it peeing into my pool. I would totally park it on the diving board. I tried to teach my cat to poop in the toilet. She prefers a litter box. Darn.
On June 28th, 2011 at 12:49 pm Karen Says:
‘… a fountain of brilliant fun!” That alone was a chuckle. I think red shower water would be a bit too ‘Psycho’ for me 😛
On June 28th, 2011 at 1:05 pm Gav Says:
I will neither confirm, nor deny that I own a ‘Gav’ steak brander….
On June 28th, 2011 at 1:20 pm The Mommy Says:
Story time: So, I haven’t seen an actual chick-flick movie in something like a hundred years. A couple of months ago my husband (who was CLEARLY trying to get lucky) rented Eat, Pray, Love from Netflix (don’t judge, I wanted to see it). Because we have four kids who pretty much never sleep, I knew this was going to be a challenge. 22 minutes into the movie I hear the pitter-patter of feet upstairs. Odd. I bolt up the stairs when I start to hear what sounds like water hitting the floor. Youngest Boy had been very confused, found the laundry room instead of the bathroom and was using my laundry basket as the toilet. When he heard me, he spun around and started crying but did NOT stop peeing. He spun and peed his way in a 360 all over the laundry room and the banister and the hall… And, thus, I have my own peeing fountain boy!
On June 28th, 2011 at 1:53 pm Kelly Says:
A long, long time ago, I remember seeing something similar to this in a Skymall magazine…http://www.kotulas.com/deals/red-kingpin-chair-because-its-good-to-be-king

I teased my sister at the time that it seemed like something one of her crazy inlaws would own, you know a giant $120 lawn chair.

The next summer, her uncle-in-law bought four of them, for camping.
On June 28th, 2011 at 6:03 pm Alexis Says:
Dear Aunt Becky,
Dear Aunt Becky,
All I need is a mailing address, and that Bra Baby is YOURS. The address doesn’t have to be your own address. DUH. It’s not safe for you to be giving out your address because if you do, the next time I (or someone even worse)were to get really mad at my parents, I (or someone even worse)may hop on an Amtrak and be on your doorstep in two days. You can provide me with the address of a priest or rabbi or whoever will accept mail for you. The Bra Baby works on bras from size 28AA to 44DD, although the package does offer by way of disclaimer that if the 44DD is padded, some damage can occur. What the box does not say is what anyone with a size 44DD would want or need a padded bra. Anna Nicole is no longer around for us to ask that question.
Sincerely,
Alexis
On June 28th, 2011 at 6:44 pm Christa Says:
Toscano! OMG I have not seen one of those catalogs in years! I used to be addicted to this catalog when I was in high school. Yes, because I was so deep and intelligent that I thought it would be awesome to make my future house look like a museum. Freak. At least I grew out of it.
On June 28th, 2011 at 8:44 pm John Says:
Somehow, that statue, if you put vodka in the fountain part . . . you could serve liquor, have a great talking point, AND get to know which of your party-goers are true kinksters all at the same time!
On June 29th, 2011 at 1:20 am kristen Says:
My favorite part of this post is you trying to kill me…honestly, Aunt Becky, we’ve only known each other for a day: SETTLE.DOWN

Holy mother, where is my inhaler…?
On July 1st, 2011 at 9:09 pm Ally Says:
I almost snorted beer out my nose laughing at the Kitty Shitter. Can you imagine a guest sitting there when that stench hits? Or better, yet, when the plant starts rocking with scratching noise coming out of the dirt? LOL!
On July 1st, 2011 at 9:19 pm Theresa Sonoda Says:
OMG ROFLMFAO. After reading your hilarious comments to the products, I want a kitty shitter AND a doggie anxiety blanket! And I don’t have any pets.

Soooooo funny. Thanks to Ally for sending me over here with her tweet.
On July 2nd, 2011 at 6:13 am Kim at Let Me Start By Saying Says:
This, too, is my favorite part of flying. I even look forward to flying when I am alone with my 2 kids because I bribe the shizz outta them just to get my hour alone with the Sky Mall catalogue.
That fountain is one of my favorites.
On July 4th, 2011 at 3:10 am Lex Says:
I need those shower heads in my life, like, rightfuckingNOW!
On July 15th, 2011 at 1:42 pm irant Says:
Happy Birthday, Yo!

I’d actually buy you the branding iron, but only if I can get them to put “Shut Your Whore Mouth” on it. If that is possible, I would also be sending you a list of people I want you to brand on the forehead with said iron…

Because I just want them to Shut Their Whore Mouths …

K
On July 15th, 2011 at 5:09 pm Alex@LateEnough Says:
I say: Let the cats crap in the real plants. Awkward + free fertilizer = happy birthday to you
On July 15th, 2011 at 5:09 pm Alex@LateEnough Says:
I say: Let the cats crap in the real plants. Awkward + free fertilizer = happy birthday to you
On July 20th, 2011 at 10:02 am Eugene Says:
I’m all over that chair! I wonder, do they have volume discounts? Well, anyway, thanks for letting us know what a “kitty shitter” is. Now our dome decor can be complete.