Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Every Rose Has It’s Thorn, Internet


The first year that The Daver and I celebrated VDay (also hilarious known in my brain as VD-Day–because what ISN’T funny about VD? Answer: nothing, unless it’s your privates. Then it’s really unfunny) was on a Saturday, which means that since it wasn’t TODAY that we first celebrated it, this is our 6th VD-Day. Sounds impressive, no?

3 kids, 2 houses, 2 apartments and a whole mess of pets later, I cannot believe that number is so low.

But we’re not romantical people, Internet. I know, I know, pick your jaw up off the ground, you simply cannot believe that someone who married moi wouldn’t be all about hearts and flowers but it’s the truth. I happen to love this holiday–albeit for very different reasons of which I’ll give you three: pink, red, and sparkly–but Dave could probably do without it. It’s unfair, but I imagine him listening to whiny emo music on VD-Day’s prior to our union, and perhaps crying into something made out of silk.

(It’s a good thing that he won’t read this for weeks or I might be facing the wrath of a dutch oven tonight)

It’s not a likely scenario since I’m fairly certain that he’s never owned anything silk, but it’s my mental picture and I’m sticking to it as dogma. It is my blog, after all, and if my mental picture of my husband includes a bunny suit and a 5-pound jug of sour cream, well, it’s my prerogative.

The only thing that Dave and I have consistently done on VD-Day besides annoy the living shit out of each other by screetching the “It could only be JAAARREEDD” song and ever-increasing decibels is to buy one another roses.

And not just ANY kind of roses: TACKY roses.

No, they’re not real or have ever been grown on anything remotely resembling a plant. I’m talking about the world’s tickiest-tackiest sort of flower. They can’t even just be fake; they have to be fake PLUS.

For example, last year I found a true gem: it cost 39 cents (hello, After VD-Day specials!!), it was covered in fake velvet AND it sang a tinny melody! Even better, the wires that connected the button that needed to be depressed to make the music were fucked up, so the melody–Fur Elise, I think it was–would veer horribly off key at irregular intervals. All it was missing was the heavy, cheap perfume of fake roses past.

With all of the hullabaloo that the last month or so has involved, I was never able to enact my master plan: a rose made of a lacy cheap thong. I’ve seen them before and stupidly never thought to buy them for such an occasion, and now I’m kicking myself for it. Because what else would my husband want for VD-Day but a pair of women’s thong underwear that no woman in her right mind would wear? The level of gross would be too high to put them on my delicate girly bits, even for a laugh. Shit, the material might eat my crotch.


Always next year, right?

Happy VD-Day, Internet! I hope today finds you happy and well and perhaps in possession of a 5 gallon jug of sour cream. Because what isn’t awesome about sour cream? Answer: nothing.

And if you have any ideas for hideous roses for years to come, holler.

24 Comments to

“Every Rose Has It’s Thorn, Internet”

  1. On February 14th, 2009 at 11:54 am fidget Says:

    you can always ship him box of dog poop roses at work on monday

  2. On February 14th, 2009 at 11:56 am Badass Geek Says:

    Crap. Valentine’s is today?

  3. On February 14th, 2009 at 12:07 pm Mrs.spit Says:

    Damn. If I’d known that you needed one of them, I would have bought an extra just for you!

    100 percent recycled garbage bags (poly!)

  4. On February 14th, 2009 at 12:08 pm Coco Says:

    Happy V-D, Becky my love.

    I got two 5 gallon jugs of sour cream, personally. You know I like to be prepared.

  5. On February 14th, 2009 at 12:14 pm Danielle Says:

    I think VD- Day is funny, too! My family has a sick sense of humor, so we’d say that all the time growing up.

  6. On February 14th, 2009 at 12:51 pm heather Says:

    How about I box him up a lovely package of the rotavirus that everyone in our house has right now (save for me, of course) and send it to his office? My sad ass husband’s been whining louder and sleeping longer than either of the two babies combined. Suck it, VD Day.

  7. On February 14th, 2009 at 1:16 pm heather Says:

    Buy a thong you WOULD wear, and replace the crappy one with it? Make one out of fruit rollups.
    My husband once gave me a rose that the bloom part was actually a candle. The kicker? It was black. Awesome.

  8. On February 14th, 2009 at 1:22 pm Ms. Moon Says:

    My husband got me wasabi peas for Valentines. I know. He’s too romantic to bear.
    And yet, after twenty-six years together, I stay.
    There are very good reasons for this, but the wasabi peas have almost made me forget that.
    Happy Valentines to you, anyway!

  9. On February 14th, 2009 at 2:01 pm kalakly Says:

    A six pack of Schlitz cuz nothing says I heart you better than good booze:)


  10. On February 14th, 2009 at 2:04 pm jerseygirl89 Says:

    I like your idea.

    We don’t really celebrate either. But can I trade the sour cream for butter? I like butter.

  11. On February 14th, 2009 at 2:28 pm Heather P. Says:

    OH Bec, there is a jewelry store in this area that carries roses dipped in gold! They are beyond TACKY and they are pretty expensive too!
    You know, to go along with the “quality” booze you could always get him a bottle of MadDog 20/20!
    But if you really want romantical you could buy him a gallon jug of GermX hand santizier for his desk at work! That’s what I bought my man-and he loved it. Can you believe we’ve been married for 16 years? Yeah, I guess it shows!

  12. On February 14th, 2009 at 2:47 pm Chris Says:

    Wait……”Schlitz” and “good booze” in the same sentence??? Only if the sentence reads “Schlitz is the complete antithesis of good booze and should be avoided like the plague.”

    One year, I bought my hubby a meat cleaver for VD. My mother was horrified. He loves to cook and it’s what he wanted, so who am I to disrespect his wishes?

    This year, we got each other…….nothing. We’re still recovering from Christmas and 3 birthdays all in the month of December. Plus, I know he loves me. I don’t need overpriced thong roses and ass-widening chocolate to remind me.

  13. On February 14th, 2009 at 2:59 pm a Says:

    I second the dog poop rose idea – he might think they’re really chocolate and take a bite! That would really make a VD-Day special.

    Interesting side note (or interesting to me anyway), when signing in to work, I frequently see VD by the name of people who are not there. Nothing like a VD to keep you out of work…

    For the completely clueless – VD=Vacation Day

  14. On February 14th, 2009 at 3:18 pm Melanie Says:

    my DH and I, whom have been together for 9 VD-days….did absolutely nothing…. except I am going to try and put together a decent supper at home…but thats it………and since illness the likes that I have never seen had taken over my house and appears to be planning on staying awhile……….. dinner is ALL he is going to be getting.


  15. On February 14th, 2009 at 3:42 pm Ginger Magnolia Says:

    You could make him a tissue paper rose, with a pipe cleaner for a stem!

  16. On February 14th, 2009 at 4:43 pm Beth Says:

    Food will never let you down. That’s true love if you ask me!

  17. On February 14th, 2009 at 5:21 pm paisana Says:

    My ex got me one one year. For serious.

  18. On February 14th, 2009 at 5:28 pm ewe_are_here Says:

    It never occurred to me that this is our 6th VD Day together, too!

    Hmmm, and that would be 4 flats, 1 townhouse, and 1 house. And 2.5 children literally, soon to be 3.


  19. On February 14th, 2009 at 7:00 pm Sus Says:

    That is the greatest VD gift I have ever heard of!

    My husband and I will be celebrating (I use that term, loosely. He is currently playing video games with my brother and nephew) our 11th VD day.

  20. On February 14th, 2009 at 9:20 pm Betts Says:

    You got it backwards… girly bits eat thongs. I’m afraid to wear them because they could just disappear up there.

    Happy Valentines Day!

  21. On February 14th, 2009 at 9:36 pm lola Says:

    You could always make a rose out of luncheon meat or uncooked bacon.

    We skiied all day today on our 26th VD day, and now the husband and the boy are snoring while I lay here feeling like I’ve been run over by a train. So romantic!

  22. On February 15th, 2009 at 2:10 pm mumma boo Says:

    Oh, you have to try the fake ones with the fiber optic sparkly wand things coming off the side. Alien meets flora. 🙂

  23. On February 15th, 2009 at 3:54 pm wishing4one Says:

    Man i remember those tack-ass roses. One year we actually bought a closeout to sell in our store, LOL, put em right at the counter. These were the glass roses with colored water, i mean cologne.

    I am so lost Bec, i will read your entire past few months tomorrow. Its late here in pyramid land, almost midnight. xoxoxoxoxo

  24. On February 15th, 2009 at 10:29 pm ms picket to you Says:

    howsabout a six pack of beer? does that count?

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