Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Every Heave Begins With Kay.


I admit freely that I love the holidays. It’s been well documented over the years, especially with the hugemongous collection of Christmas decorations that I acquire year after year (it’s threatening to take over my basement). It’s entirely likely that I will decorate the interior of my home prior to Thanksgiving, partially because I love the festive look but mainly because I have nothing else to decorate with.

Christmas shopping is one of the ultimate highlights of the holiday season, because nearly as much as I adore my (literally) 60’s white aluminium tree (admit it, you’re jealous of my awesome tree) and it’s festive blue ornaments, I love buying other people gifts. And then painstakingly wrapping them, and carefully arranging them under the tree. It’s like my own slice of cornball (mmmm, CORNBALLS) heaven.

I say bring on the blaring music from all of the speakers in each store, shit, I listen to Christmas music year round, if I’m alone (I’m slightly too ashamed to do this in front of my husband, who prefers whiny emo music BECAUSE HE LIKES TO FEEL SUICIDAL). I’m thrilled that Christmas preparations begin in the store sometime prior to Halloween, partially so that I can remember what season it is, and partially because Alex is entranced by all of the lights and colors, while Ben is thrilled to pieces about the upcoming holidays (whew, can we say RUN ON SENTENCE, KIDS? I know *I* can!). It’s instant Christmas-porn for my family, save, of course, from my darling husband who “didn’t like Christmas” before he met me. Now, I’m pretty sure, he’s mainly tolerating it for my sake (entirely similar to the manner in which I “tolerate” the piles of clean clothes that make their home on the floor, rather than snugly put away in their dressers. Oh, SNAP!).

Off the top of my head, there is only ONE thing, one LITTLE thing that drives me insane around the holidays: hokey jewelry commercials. Watching them is like listening to nails on a chalkboard WHILE stepping on a mad cat. They set my teeth on edge and make me break out into a cold sweat.

I promise it’s not that I’m jealous of the jewelry and am therefore upset and embittered that I am not about to recieve anything from their stores for Christmas, no way. The jewelry that I do wear (save from a few junky costume pieces) and recieve is from places that do not feel the need to advertise in places other than The New Yorker. Besides, from the looks of these commercials the vacant eyed looks on their faces of the people coupled with a collective IQ of about 94, I would never WANT to be like them.

I’m not sure WHY these commercials drive me straight to my bottle of vodka, truth be told. It’s not as though all of the other extremely contrived and corny commercials elicit the same visceral response from me, and they are no more or less hokey.

Maybe it’s because my marriage is not particularly artificial or wholesome, I’m more likely to be called “dude” or “ass” by my husband than “honey” or “sweetheart,” and I prefer it that way. Our way of showing affection is less “here honey, a piece of jewelry from that commercial” while we sit by a roaring fire discussing our feelings (while we both have great hair), and more an ass-smack while we allow the other one to eat the piece of pizza we’ve been coveting, while arguing about who was going to comfort the baby THIS time.

We’re absolutely the boring Part II of the romance that once was (one really MIGHT argue that we bypassed Part I entirely. It’s probably the case here), the part where we both get all boring and comfortable and pluck stray hairs from each other’s faces while complimenting each other on our burping prowess, but that doesn’t diminish our relationship one teeny bit. I mean hell, if someone can watch you expell a nearly eight pound child from your va-jay-jay and about a half an hour later confess that he’s dying to Have The Sex with you again, I’d call that love. Or stupidity. But I’ll go with love here.

Conversely, if he showed up on Christmas morning with a gift bag from the commercials and a vacant, wide-eyed look on his face, and said something schmaltzy, I’d wonder 1) if aliens had abducted him or 2) if he was having an affair. In the case of 1) I’d have him clean up his office as a test and if he did it without turning into the girl from The Exorcist, I’d keep him as a bonus CLEANING alien! We’d ALL win! If the cause for the jewelry was 2), I’d be inflammed that he hadn’t at least gone to Tiffany’s and instead, had cheaped out on me.

Hey, a girl’s gotta have her priorities.

So what annoys YOU about the holidays, Darling Internet?

9 Comments to

“Every Heave Begins With Kay.”

  1. On November 14th, 2007 at 1:50 pm tony Says:

    I love the hollidays. Unfortunately, they are being spoiled by death, divorce and moving. suck.

  2. On November 14th, 2007 at 4:09 pm becky Says:

    Yeah, that seems to frequently be the case. Sorry, dude.

  3. On November 14th, 2007 at 5:55 pm Chris Says:

    ALL OF IT. I have to see five families, have five separate Christmases, and hearing “Jingle Bell Rock” in September makes me want to pull off my ears. I’m not particularly fond of the family drama, but I have to indulge it anyway. When did it become about Eel vs. Duck and STOP BEING ABOUT THE BIRTH OF OUR LORD AND SAVIOR for God’s sake?

  4. On November 14th, 2007 at 5:57 pm becky Says:

    Yeah, I feel for you dude. That’s a lot of Christmas for one person to take.

  5. On November 15th, 2007 at 10:30 am Kristin Says:

    Christmas music. It makes me homocidal.

  6. On November 15th, 2007 at 10:32 am Cara Says:

    I, like you, love the holidays and almost everything about them.

    However, I really can’t stand most non-religious Christmas music. Novelty songs are bad as it goes, but they’re somehow worse when they’re holiday themed. Say what you want about the Catholics, but we do have some pretty kick-ass Christmas music.

    I also hate the movie It’s a Wonderful Life. I know it used to be on TV all the time because the rights were cheap, but I don’t understand how it became a cherished holiday classic. It’s depressing. I’m also getting a little tired of A Christmas Story, but that’s only because my sister would actually sit and watch it for 24 hours straight if we let her.

  7. On November 15th, 2007 at 12:39 pm becky Says:

    Cara, I am with you almost 100%. I have several exceptions, but my preferences for music absolutely lie with the sacred? is that the correct terminology?

  8. On November 15th, 2007 at 12:40 pm becky Says:

    Oh, and Kristin, in that case, you had better avoid my house 🙂

  9. On November 15th, 2007 at 11:02 pm Juli Says:

    I hate being asked “what do you want for Christmas?” If you know me well enough that you wish to buy me something, you oughta know me well enough to know what I would like. Otherwise, I’m an obligation and no thank you.

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