Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Dx: Complete Idiot.


One side effect of feeding The Chubbs yogurt is that he’s not nearly as hungry as he once was. I am not even being remotely exaggeratory (that’s totally not a word, and if it is, I misspelled it) when I say that up until last week Alex nursed AT LEAST once every hour of the day. No jokes here.

Sunday (or maybe Saturday, it’s been a loooooonnnggg six months), I noticed that I was getting a red raised bumpy thing (yes, I’m technical) on my left breasticle. Figuring that it was absolutely nothing, I just let it be. Then, yesterday I noticed some serous fluid had collected underneath the skin and the realization smacked me in the face! I was probably experiencing a blocked duct, and OH WAIT I was sick too, and if there is one phrase I can remember about mastits, it’s this “if you’re breastfeeding and you feel like you have the flu, you have mastitis” (see Mom, my medical education WAS for something!).

Begrudgingly, I placed a call to my doctor’s office and left a message for the nurse. Now, I have a previous longstanding grudge against the nurses that work in the office, because, well, most of them are complete pinheads. When I was first pregnant with Alex, barfing my brains out, and on a leave of absence from work from aforementioned uncontrollable barfing, I called them at the request of my HR department to see if the MD would sign for a medical leave. The nurse told me that they “didn’t do that sort of thing” and that I should “eat an apple” to help with my nausea.

Riiiiiiiiggggggggghhhhhhhhhtttt. I’ll get right on that apple eatin’, lady.

(as a complete aside, one of the things that I hate to do most is to ask for help, especially from a medical professional. When I do, it’s under total duress and I am all weird and squirmy inside while doing so. So to be told to “eat an apple” was a huge slap in the face to me. Almost as bad as when I had delivered Ben, sustained a 4th degree and was given Tylenol 3 to take home. Obviously, at 3 am, if I am paging the on-call doctor for something to actually take the pain away, “taking a bath” isn’t going to cut it. So fuck you.)


I fully expected a return call like,

Me: “I have a problem with my breast.”

RN: “I like potatoes.”

Me: “That’s nice. But I have a problem with my left breast and I am currently breastfeeding.”

RN: “Poooottttaaaatttttoooeeess are good. I love them.”

Me: “Okay, yeah, so about my breast. It might be mastitis, but I guess it could be a pimple.”

RN: “Baked potatoes are good for you.”

Me: “Okay, I gotta go.”

Instead, I got a call back from a competent nurse, who was alarmed by my symptoms, far more so than I was. She insisted that I come in the following morning (today), called in a script for some hardcore antibiotics and put me on an NSAID’s regime.

All to have the PA tell me that I have a spider bite. And a sinus infection.

7 Comments to

“Dx: Complete Idiot.”

  1. On October 4th, 2007 at 2:44 pm Dana Says:

    Sinus infections suck. Mastitis sucks. I’ve had both and wouldn’t wish either on you. Frankly the sinus infection might be worse right now though because babies and cold meds don’t really go well together. Hope you feel better soon.

  2. On October 4th, 2007 at 2:54 pm becky Says:

    Thanks, Dana! I’m going to have to be vigilant about checking for thrush on Alex (please God, no) and I made her give me an Rx for something in case I get the yeasties. Annoying.

  3. On October 4th, 2007 at 4:04 pm Zoot Says:

    Man – I hate sinus infections. Luckily, I don’t get them often. My husband gets several a year, though, and his hurt me just as much.

  4. On October 4th, 2007 at 8:11 pm becky Says:

    Oh sister, I’m with you!

    I’m actually sort of relieved that it’s a sinus infection. Mainly because I’ve been feeling nasty for the last couple of weeks. It’s nice to have something to blame it on.

  5. On October 5th, 2007 at 10:49 am Gail Says:

    Dude! You have a spider bite on your BOOB? I would be all squirmy inside just from that!!!


  6. On October 7th, 2007 at 6:47 pm Thirtysomething Says:

    Whoa. Well, glad it wasn’t mastitis–had it with my second child. Yuck. Just yuck.
    But….a SPIDER bite on your ninny? THAT would scare me. Yep. For. Sure.
    Feel better soon! (I know, you will in a couple years or so when you aren’t feeding an infant every couple hours or so!)

  7. On October 8th, 2007 at 12:43 pm becky Says:

    I’ve heard that mastitis is just awful, so I’m thanking my lucky stars that it’s merely a spider bite.

    My house seems to be decorating itself for Halloween this year. My yard is LITERALLY covered in spider webs. It’s so bizare and creepy. Years ago, I got over any fears I may have had about spiders, when I worked at an outdoor resteraunt. One of the things that we had to do each and every morning was to take this old broom and destroy the webs hanging over our heads. Inevitably, we’d get covered in spiders. So much fun!

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