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Doting Boyfriends VS Uncle Pervy’s


Now about a million years ago I was in high school. And when I was in high school, there were two types of boys that were interested in me:

1.) the Doting Boyfriends


2.) Uncle Pervy’s.

Somehow, the Doting Boyfriends are a rather dull sort to discuss, so I am going to share a story of the first Uncle Pervy: Dave. Dave I later realized also was in love with one of my other best friends, Kristin.

Dave was a kid who rode my bus my freshmen year in high school. I, being the type of person that I was before I grew big balls, was admittedly a bit creeped out by his black trench-coat and Not-Quite-Cool-But-Trying-To-Be T-shirts and black stonewashed jeans, but I was nice to him. He was the sort that the Offspring later wrote a song about; he’d wear a shirt that would say Heavy Metal, but would list the ELEMENTS.

Several steps shy of cool. Significant steps, sure, but at the time I was too nice.

And because I was several steps away from having a realistic world view, I gave him my number when he asked. You’ll see this as a running problem in future Uncle Pervy stories.

He began calling me, but as a freshman I talked on the phone ALL THE TIME. Hours and hours and hours a day spent blabbering nothings into the phone. Conversation would be forced and would follow a repeatable pattern; ‘œHi’¦.(no introduction), what are you doing?’¦..(dead silence)’¦..wanna be my girlfriend?’ Because I had a bazillion friends, sooner rather than later I’d get another call, so I’d be excused from talking to Dave.

And not call him back. Ever.

So he’d diligently call, day after day, uncaring that I had a long term boyfriend and wasn’t interested in getting another, less stable one, and I’d get him off the phone with vague excuses of waxing my cat, a waiting phone call, a dead grandmother. Eventually, he realized my totally transparent plan and would refuse to say goodbye to me on the phone, which would stall me for a few more minutes, because although I was shallow as a puddle of mud, I was also raised to not hang up on people.

Pretty soon, even the rudeness of having to hang up on someone who wouldn’t say goodbye to me was worn as smoothly as a second skin. I felt no remorse, no guilt, no feelings aside from annoyance.

Dave, being desperate and lonely realized that he had to change tactics if he was to capture my attentions. So he started to threaten that if I wouldn’t date him/talk to him, he’d kill himself. KILL HIMSELF. This was the same person who, when Kurt Cobain killed himself, tried to carve Kurt on his arm, but couldn’t quite work up the balls to cut himself, so he just wrote it with a pen. Daily. So, I knew he’d never have the balls to go through with anything actually dangerous. Dave was just dramatic and maladjusted.

I drew the line with his antics when he would threaten to WALK OVER TO MY HOUSE. I had no desire to hang with him, and I had even LESS desire to have him come to my house where people might see him and think we were friends.

Dave finally went away once I started to encourage his suicidal behavior and made it painfully clear that I had no desire to date him. How did I shake such an annoying suitor? Well, it took at least 6 months of constant hanging up on him whenever he called for him to cease and desist.

I learned later he left me alone only to stalk my dear friend Kristin.

So dish. I need some good pathetic dating stories to entertain me. Because I’m all “Come on INTERNET! Dance, monkey, DANCE.”

24 Comments to

“Doting Boyfriends VS Uncle Pervy’s”

  1. On November 23rd, 2008 at 7:42 am Madame Yu See Says:

    What? I’m the first comment? I’ve NEVER been the first comment here!
    I actually had a stalker when the future-ex and I split up for 5 months about 10 years ago. I met this guy from a newspaper ads, the internet not being what it was 10 years ago, we met in a restaurant, had drinks, then dinner, each paying our own way. Had a good time, so went to the state fair together, exchanged a few kisses. At that point he wanted to be in an ‘exclusive relationship,’ with me. I hadn’t dated in about 25 years, so I didn’t know what an exclusive relationship was. So, I told him we’d keep going out, but I was going to look for other people too. Dating him didn’t give me much time to meet anyone else. We kept going out. He kept wanting to take it to the ‘next level,’ I didn’t think so, nonetheless, we kept dating. He took me to his sister’s birthday party, then another family party. The pressure to have sex never ended. When I didn’t want to talk to him, I wouldn’t pick up the phone – by then there was Caller ID, so he started calling me at work, leaving notes on my car, flowers at my house. All way too creepy, considering the level of the relationship – still no sex, I kept having alarm bells going off in my head every time he mentioned the subject.
    Finally, I had enough and think I got back with the future-ex to get him to stop calling. He didn’t go down easilly. The future-ex had to threaten him with the police.
    Four or five years later, he sent me some pictures he had taken of me at his sister’s party! This was in a plain white envelope, with no return address, around the time of the anthrax attacks!
    I moved shortly thereafter and bought a new car, although I still work at the same place. Sometimes, I get paranoid and think I see him in a crowd, but I haven’t heard from him since the picture incident. Just about every woman I know has had a stalker at some time in he life. There are 8 million stories in the Naked City – this has been mine.

  2. On November 23rd, 2008 at 7:55 am abandoning eden Says:

    once on a high school jewish youth retreat thing I made the mistake of being nice to this one guy that everyone else was mysteriously avoiding…a week later, he showed up in the parking lot of my (all girls, very religious, absolutely no boys allowed) high school asking random people if they knew where I was. Yikes. (and I too had a boyfriend, which he knew about)

  3. On November 23rd, 2008 at 8:06 am Jenn Says:

    I never really had a pathetic dating story (or a lot of guys after me). But I did see a bi-sexual freak (as in the social class, not some guy with three arms or anything) with a blind cat named MoMo for a couple of weeks. That was interesting (to me) at least.

  4. On November 23rd, 2008 at 8:13 am Daddy Files Says:

    I attract one kind of woman: CRAZY AS SHIT! There are varying degrees of crazy, but all of them have been crazy nonetheless.

    The craziest was a girl I wasn’t even interested in. I just had my heart broken for the first time and I sought refuge in the arms of an ugly chick. My friends nicknamed her “Sea Donkey.” I made it perfectly clear I wasn’t attracted to her and I had no feelings for her right from the start. But for whatever reason, she got off on that so she was a semi-permanent booty call. The sex wasn’t even that good and everyone hated her, but it was better than nothing I thought at the time.

    That is, until the day she showed up at my house unannounced…

    You see, our landlord was in the process of selling the house. So he told us to have things cleaned up one Saturday because potential buyers were coming by to view the place. Then Sea Donkey showed up. I asked her what she was doing here and that’s when my landlord came out to greet her. Yup…she was the potential buyer.

    Turns out she was a rich kid and had convinced Daddy to buy her a rental property as an investment. I immediately recoiled at the potential pitfalls of having to not only sleep with my Sea Donkey booty call, but then pay her rent. My roommates were pissed at me too because she could make our lives difficult. So they told me I had to do whatever it took to discourage her from buying the house.

    Long story short, I actually had to date Sea Donkey for two months so she wouldn’t buy the house. I dumped her the minute the purchase & sales went through for the new owner, but what a horrid two months.

    Now THAT’S pscyho!

  5. On November 23rd, 2008 at 2:33 pm swirl girl Says:

    I never had a stalker {sigh} , but I had plenty of crappy first dates that never went anywhere. I did go on a blind date with a son of my mother’s friend (1st mistake) who took me to what could be considered the skankiest ‘restaurant’ (read: titty bar). He was a cheap shit too, ‘cuz he actually stiffed me for the lap dance.

  6. On November 23rd, 2008 at 3:10 pm Rayne of Terror Says:

    my husband had a married coworker stalker for awhile. I liked her because she would send over pitchers of Bass Ale and Guinness at the bar.

  7. On November 23rd, 2008 at 4:38 pm laura Says:

    A few years ago before I met my husband, I was doing the online dating thing. I met this guy who was pretty nice but had a creepiness to him…maybe it was the fact that he was terrified of my 6 month old kitten. We went out a couple of times. I wasn’t really interested in anything with him due to said creepiness, but we would still talk online every once in a while. Despite the fact that we didn’t ever go out or see each other, he mentioned something about our “dating”. I put a stop to that. One day I started getting these instant messages from random “guys” asking me lots of questions and inquiring if I had a boyfriend. When I would say no. These “guys” would get a irritated, weird and insist that I had to have a boyfriend. Even when I was on invisible mode he and these guys would still pop up to say hi. When I changed my IM he figured out what it was, even though I was unlisted and had only given it to friends and family. When I started getting more messages from these “guys” again, I had to put a stop to it. I let him have it. He told me he was sitting outside my house and he could come up and talk about it…I moved very shortly after that.

  8. On November 23rd, 2008 at 7:13 pm Sarah Says:

    So, (speaking of Uncle Pervy!) when you say “waxing your cat,” do you mean that literally or more euphemistically? Not like it matters!

    How about a horribly recent Uncle Pervy story? As in last spring? Yes, I was already in my 30s and happily married, EVEN THEN, but nonetheless, Uncle Pervy Strikes Again.

    I was staying with a dear Friend of my mother’s, who is also very much like a mother to me. She’s in her late 60s, I guess. She was friends with a man named Fred (oddly enough as he bears a striking resemblance to Barney Rubble) – had been for 10 YEARS. He’s married to a notably younger woman, with two kids in their tweens. Second marriage, and has adult kids as well. Seemed like a genuinely nice man. Kind. Helpful. Very intelligent. Funny. OLDER THAN MY DAD, and in no way physically attractive, so not on my radar in even a Sean Conneryish way. It just never crossed my mind he would think something could happen between us.

    I was in the process of closing on a house and moving across town and didn’t know many people in the area. I met him when he took Friend out to dinner for Mother’s Day and invited the Kids and I to join them. We were talking at during the meal about how I was going to move certain things to the house, and he said he thought he knew a guy with a big enough truck that could help, so he asked for my number – in front of Friend and it just didn’t seem weird to give it to him FOR THE PURPOSE OF MOVING.

    HOWEVER. He called a couple of days later to see if we’d ALL like to go out again, because he was going to dinner at the same brightly lit, cafeteria-style restaurant he took us to before. We all said sure, then at the last minute Friend’s COPD got squirrelly and she bowed out. I should have CANXed it myself, but that seemed rude, so I went anyway, even though I felt weird about it. HUGE mistake. People were everywhere, I wasn’t sitting close to him, I’m nice, I’m funny, but I was NOT flirty and he didn’t strike me as flirty either. 2nd Mistake, apparently.

    Nothing weird happened during dinner, but since he was buying Friend a slice of pie to go for me to take to her, he insisted on getting us all a slice. Fair enough. Who am I, that I would turn down free pie?? A total moron, that’s who! When we left the restaurant, he walked the kids and I to our car (the one smart thing I did was always drive myself, at least) and as I was standing up from buckling up one of the kids, his hand touched my lower back… it was sort of south of friendship but still well enough north of “WTF?” that I didn’t say anything. 3rd Mistake.

    I got back to Friend’s house, and realize he has called me TWICE in the 10 minutes it took me to get home. I was concerned something was wrong, because, what on earth?? Oh no, nothing was wrong, he was literally calling me “to tell me how funny and cute and smart” I was. Obviously my favorite subject, but … EXCUSE ME?? I was wondering if he’d been drinking! Then he told me to “think of him” when I ate my pie. Because, AND ONLY BECAUSE, he had been friends with Friend for so long, I just laughed and said goodbye. 4th Mistake.

    He called the next morning. To see if I’d ate my pie. I told him I could’t talk. He called that evening just to talk, because his FATHER IN LAW was in the hospital and dying. My grandma had died recently, and we talked about how hard that was. THEN, out of nowhere, during a talk about LOVED ONES DYING, he tells he had always wanted to die “MAKING LOVE”. THAT finally got me totally annoyed. I told him I had to go. He called me the next morning. I ignored him. would call, I would ignore him, and he’d call back 2-3 times.

  9. On November 23rd, 2008 at 7:19 pm Sarah Says:

    (sorry, hit the wrong button)

    I would ignore all those calls. He’d send me absurd text messages, asking me things like “How did the surgery go?” No one was having a surgery. And I didn’t repsond. He’d ask me “Why is Friend in the hospital?” Friend was NOT in the hospital. I didn’t respond. He continued to call and hang up rather than leave a voicemail.

    SO… I gave my husband his number. Our cell #s are only one digit off. Fred picked up on the first ring!! Hubby is actually quite a gentleman, so he told him we’d got his calls, and was there anything he could do for him? Fred told him oh no, he just wanted to help, and said I reminded him of his sister. (Particularly when I eat PIE, one assumes?!)

    He never called back after that. I feel like I give people WAY TOO MUCH benefit of the doubt, but this guy was absurd! I told Friend, and apparently Fred had done the same thing TO HER DAUGHTER, and yet she failed to mention this. ??? Her daughter was single, so that was okay. She never dreamed he’d try to come onto a young married mother with kids. That made two of us, I suppose.

  10. On November 23rd, 2008 at 7:20 pm Sarah Says:

    As long as I’m talking up way too much space… I’ll take up more to apologize for it! 🙂

  11. On November 23rd, 2008 at 8:30 pm Ginger Magnolia Says:

    I’m not glamorous enough to have had a stalker, and that’s a-ok with me. 😉

    I did get a lot of older men hitting on me when I was a teenager, though. Now…not so much.

  12. On November 23rd, 2008 at 8:31 pm guilty noodles Says:

    My very first boyfriend would not only “tag” our initials all over his school, but he eventually carved them into his arm when I had to spend a month in another country. After that, it all went down hill and I broke it off. Later, I met someone who had attended high school with the boyfriend and his reaction was, “You’re A.L.? God, you were all over that entire school!”

    Also, the man I dated right before I met my husband, I abruptly dumped because I had met my husband. I heard from his friends that he had become an alcoholic and to this day, still lives with his parents (he’s 40!).

    I’m not hot shit, I just really knew how to pick em.

  13. On November 23rd, 2008 at 8:33 pm guilty noodles Says:

    I almost forgot, the boyfriend who still lives with his parents and in an alcohol induced coma? He sees a friend of ours who’s a therapist and the therapist totally dishes out the shit about my ex. I wonder what my therapist says about me?

  14. On November 23rd, 2008 at 10:23 pm Sara Says:

    Ready? I have a stalker story, but I can’t tell you in these comments. You’ll have to check my blog. It’s wayyyy to long of a story to even begin to tell here. But I have the biggest stalker ever. (Literally, he was/is HUGE!)

  15. On November 24th, 2008 at 1:59 am LilSass Says:

    Honey firstly, I LOVE the new layout. I’ve seen this design before and I totals love it. Woohooo! I totals understand the excitement of a pretty new layout.

    And pah-leaze, I have WAY too many dating stories to hijack your comment space. Pssh. I should have a separate tab over at DGMS just for my dating stories. Hmmmm

  16. On November 24th, 2008 at 7:50 am Holli Says:

    Which story dating story should I tell you? The one where my high school boyfriend got my best-friend-since-preschool pregnant. The one where my friend fixed me up with this guy when I was 16, who got me so drunk I couldn’t go home- only to find out later he was gay. The one where this guy used to make his mom and dad go out to eat at the restraunt I worked at just so he could add another level of stalking to our relationship. But my personal favorite is the one where this weirdo stole my picture and then told everyone how just looking at it made him ejaculate. He was a special kind of loser.

    No wonder I married my husband.

  17. On November 24th, 2008 at 8:45 am Kristine Says:

    I have a few. Guy in Jr. high who didn’t give up and annoyed the crap out of me despite my having a boyfriend, he finally left me alone after I threatened him.

    The guy who called my best friend one night because he couldn’t find me and he wanted to go look for me (I had been running) and when he called a few minutes after I got home, I asked him where he was (car phone) and he hesitated then told me the name of a very recognizable street. I found out later he was sitting in front of my house.

    Then there was the guy who wrote a symphony for the band to perform at a concert in my honor – and made me stand up to acknowledge that it was me (it, by the way, was not a very good piece and I’m still unsure as to why the band directors allowed him to do that), and often left flowers and teddy bears on my car at night, despite the fact that I had a boyfriend.

  18. On November 24th, 2008 at 11:22 am Kelly Says:

    I had an ugly break-up with a guy who had been my rebound man for years. I had tried to see if a real relationship would work with him, which is did not. Anyway, when I broke it off with him there was lots of weirdness going on in his brain, he would call anywhere he thought that I would be, had his mom call me, had his sister call me, a whole family of super stalkers. I finally had to move, change phones, and not tell anyone where I lived, etc. for a while to finally be rid of him. I thought I had been successful, until the director at my then 5 year old daughters day care pulled me aside to tell me that one of the girls that worked at the center had been “caught” giving my daughter a note from creepy ex-boyfriend. She got fired and my daughter never went back there again.

    On another creepy note, my sister’s first boyfriend broke into our house (he knew where the spare key was hidden) after she broke up with him, and left a painting that he had made of the two of them that was half her face, and half his. Super creepy.

  19. On November 24th, 2008 at 11:45 am Badass Geek Says:

    Is the current Dave a stalker, too?

  20. On November 24th, 2008 at 12:46 pm baseballmom Says:

    Love the new design-LOVE. I had a few weird dating experiences, the first being a guy who I thought I was in love with, slept with (at 13) and then he asked for my best friend’s phone number. The worst thing? She went out with him! He screwed her over too, but geez. Numbers two and three were nice, cute guys-I mean, SO CUTE, but for some reason, I think they were too nice. I was starting junior high with the first one, and after a few weeks, I started avoiding him at school and he finally got the clue. The second one, I met at the skating rink, he was a high school boy (ooooh), and was really good looking, but there was just something about him that was kinda weird. I quit calling him back, and he disappeared. The last guy, was a bad boy. He was 23 and I was 16, we both had Mustangs and loved to go cruising and hang out at the waterfront. Little did I know he had a psycho ex girlfriend who tried to drag me out of my car by the hair, so I hit her with a bat and my dad finally had to get a restraining order against her. The cops came to my high school because she showed up there, and finally I decided it wasn’t worth it to stay with this guy-so she got what she wanted anyway! I look back and kick myself for the stupid guys I fell for.

  21. On November 24th, 2008 at 12:22 pm Dot Says:

    Sorry, I didn’t have a single date in high school. Also, guys like that scare me to death. I had a “friend” once who threatened to kill herself and I told her that I couldn’t handle being friends with someone who would call me up and make that kind of threat. Those people need serious help, not funny for me.

  22. On November 24th, 2008 at 2:36 pm Betts Says:

    I have repressed all memories of dating and it would take months of intense therapy before I could remember then. I’m sure I’d have scads of horrendous stories to tell you, if I could remember.

    LOVE the new layout!

  23. On November 24th, 2008 at 5:17 pm CourtneyRyan Says:

    Love the new digs!

    Off the top of my head – bad dating story…

    Um. Ok!

    I once dated a guy who couldn’t understand that he couldn’t play with my friends cats because I was seriously allergic to them so if he touched them, he couldn’t touch me. Then I found out he was bulemic – no joke – I found out because he didn’t clean up his bathroom one day after he purged…Three days later, I found out that the black eye he got was because he cheated on me and her boyfriend kicked his ass. This cheating and ass kicking? Yeah, it was in front of not only one of my freinds, but one of my brother’s friends (who then told me about it…)

    He was a prize…but sadly, prob. not the worst one I could come up with if I thought about it long enough.

  24. On November 25th, 2008 at 12:04 am Lola Says:

    I never dated a loser, never! Don’t know how I had such good judgment in that area when I was so totally out of control in most other areas.

    I do have a stalker I think I’m writing about tomorrow, since he’s acting up again I was told, but I never dated him. He REALLY thinks I did and tells everyone who will listen that we were lovers, but it’s all in his beady-eyed little head. Gonna have to kick his ass pretty soon I think!

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