Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

A Divorce of a *Different* Color

(ring ring)

Dave: “Hey, just calling to see what time you’d be by to pick up the kids tonight.”

Me: “Erms…kids? I have kids?”

Dave: “Well, I think so.”

Me: “Huh.”

Dave: “But… they do sometimes make mistakes with these things.”

Me: “Must’ve been a burrito and an overworked L and D nurse.”

Dave: “Yeah, that’s what I’m thinking too.”

Me: “Well, I guess I’ll be by to pick up these so-called “kids of mine” between 6-6:10 depending upon the train.”

Dave: “That works.”

Me: “I mean, if they ARE my “children” after all.”

Dave: “They’re actually reporting to the NSA about all the times you go to the bathroom.”

Me: “I KNEW there was something funny about the way they looked at me when I said I had to go to the bathroom again.”

Dave: “Ha-ha.”

Me: “I’ll text when I get close.”

Dave: “OH! And have you looked at the settlement agreement?”

Me: “Well, I did notice it was lacking in something very important.”

Dave: “What?”

Me: “Nowhere in it does it stipulate that I get a pony.”

Dave: “I must’ve left it out.”

Me: “Well, that’s a must. Please write it in or I won’t sign it.”

Dave: “I may have to cross “And Becky gets a pony” out of the final settlement.”

Me: “So long as the judge takes note of that.”

Dave: “I’m sorry I overlooked such a viable part of your future.”

Me: “You and me both. See you tonight!”

Dave: “Laters!”

Me: “Bye, yo.”

It didn’t dawn on me until after I hung up the phone that I didn’t specify if the pony had to be alive or not. Devil in the details and all that.

15 Comments to

“A Divorce of a *Different* Color”

  1. On October 7th, 2013 at 11:12 am Beth Howard Says:

    Damn. Oh, well. I guess a dead pony is better than no pony at all.

  2. On October 7th, 2013 at 11:14 am Natalie Says:

    Divorce doesn’t always have to be a raging shit show…especially when both parents are trying to make the best out of a bad thing…my ex and i get along quite well….most days…we have our moments where we both want to punch each other in the face over and over and over…but we get over it quickly and get back to being parents…we both love our kids…it’s just each other we don’t love anymore…hang in there Becky….you’re doing an amazing job!

  3. On October 7th, 2013 at 11:32 am Christene Says:

    I think all divorces should go like this. Seriously.

  4. On October 7th, 2013 at 12:07 pm Denise Says:

    Looks like you are kicking ass at divorce. Awesome.

  5. On October 7th, 2013 at 1:56 pm GingerB Says:

    I love you. If I had gotten a divorce it would have just been ugly so instead my husband killed himself. Problem solved. Post more, lady! We deserve more Aunt Becky.

  6. On October 7th, 2013 at 9:27 pm Naptimewriting Says:

    This is my dream divorce. Seriously. He must understand that a draft should include pony. And I understand the logistics of raising a freaking pony. Draft, edit, done.

    I hope you’re doing really well. Having a parenting partner who makes the difficult decisions a bit easier is amazingly wonderful.

  7. On October 7th, 2013 at 10:08 pm Lovelyn Says:

    If the dead pony is stuffed it’s way better than a live one. You don’t have to feed it, it won’t stink, and you can sit on it while you watch TV. If it’s dead, but not stuffed send it back … unless you’re into that sort of thing.

  8. On October 8th, 2013 at 10:34 am Sherry Says:

    But who got custody of Mark Zuckerberg?!!!!!!

  9. On October 8th, 2013 at 5:15 pm Marta Says:

    Brilliant. I hope you don’t get a dead pony.

  10. On October 9th, 2013 at 8:18 am Robin Says:

    Hahahaha! We’re like divorce buddies! Mine is at about the same stage, and the ex and I both joke about it. We’re even exchanging notes about our forays into internet dating. If I knew it was going to be this pleasant I’d have done it years ago… 😉

  11. On October 9th, 2013 at 1:04 pm Kat Says:

    This sounds a lot like me and my ex husband. When we separated, we put the stupid shit behind us and moved forward as partners in parenting. We still have our tense moments now and then but, for the most part, we’ve found a way to be friends again. Both we and our kids have benefited from that bit of maturity.

    p.s. You should definitely get that pony! (hopefully a live one)

  12. On October 10th, 2013 at 10:27 am Dawn Says:

    If that had been my divorce, the Hex would have promised he’d write in a pony and then three days later say, “I never said that.”

    Oh. Wait. No. He didn’t want anything in writing. Dragged it out for four years before the courts put it in writing for him.

    And he wonders why I don’t want to be his friend. ‘Cause he’s a liar-liar-pants-on-fire, that’s why.

    Dave rocks. So do you.

  13. On October 18th, 2013 at 3:21 pm gorillabuns Says:

    Next time, demand for one like Veruca.

  14. On October 22nd, 2013 at 3:08 pm Caffeinated Mama Says:

    I still can’t believe I’ve been living under a rock for so long & that I’ve missed all this. So sorry this is happening…but totally hold out for that pony!

  15. On November 1st, 2013 at 1:46 pm Krystle Says:

    It makes me smile to read this… I can’t explain without writing a novel about how much I can relate to this. My ex-husband and I can talk and joke now, better than we did while married. Some people are truly better off apart, than together. Happy for you!

    I agree with gorillabuns… Give it to ME, nowwwwwwwwwwww!

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