Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Ding Dong


Working in Chicago (as opposed to NOT Chicago), I tend to see a lot of weird shit. Like the circulating saw blade out in front of my office next to the rusty razor blade, which I took one look at, thought “Someone should do something about that,” realized that there was no way in hell I was going to be that somebody and went about my day. And the strange pattern of tweens attaching stuffed animals to their backpack confounds me – are they storing meth in there or something?

I work in a building full of former lofts that was probably once a sweatshop back in the days of wine and roses… *looks wistfully into the sunset* While my office is the one of two on the floor, the floor above me is home to one huge office that I’m halfway convinced trains elephants and reenacts historic Civil War battles.

Since I have to commute about 45 miles to and from the office, my journey begins at the ungodly hour of six in the morn’ (did you know that there’s a six in the morning? ME EITHER). By the time I’m in the office, I’m either so jacked up on caffeine that I’m vibrating or I’m nodding out from my train ride so I probably wouldn’t notice if the floor above me began to reenact famous battle scenes in my own office.

I was practically nodding out on my way in last Wednesday; so out of it that I’d tried repeatedly to enter an office down the block (which turned out to be a home) and nearly tweeted something about how I heart Justin Bieber.

Yeah. I know.

Through the sleep in my eyes, I punched the door code and stumbled into the foyer of the building, eyes on the prize. Or, in this case, the elevator. As I approached I noted that I was not alone in my desire to ascend floors and groaned inwardly. Not because I hate people but because I was fearful I might blurt out “Blergy-poo-Lady-Gaga” in response to “Good morning!”

We stood semi-quietly waiting for the elevator and the gentleman struck up a conversation with me. He’s one of those guys you can’t help but like, all smiles and witty banter, and I instantly forgave him for speaking to me before I had my coffee* because he was just that awesome. We chattered and chittered our way upstairs where he wished be good luck on my day as I bid him farewell.

It was then that I noticed what was probably the awesomest thing EVER to be carrying around.

There, nestled in his arms was not a backpack or ottoman. It wasn’t a bird, plane, or Superman. No.

It was a life-sized bendy-looking model penis. Complete with balls. It wasn’t – I don’t believe – a dildo, it appeared to be intended for use as a teaching device, but I couldn’t be sure. I mean, how do you say, “NICE DONG!” to someone you’ve just talked about sparkly Uggs with?

I spent the rest of the day feverishly wishing I’d had a model penis to lovingly carry around with me. It could be my new friend! We could go on adventures together! I’d call him Stampy and we’d be the very best of best friends! It was a beautiful daydream ripped apart by learning that those types of teachable penis models do not come cheaply.

But hey. At least I learned that they’re probably not reenacting historic battles replete with cannons upstairs.

They’re probably recreating all the light saber scenes from Star Wars.

With model penises.

*I fired my Thermos for poor job performance

15 Comments to

“Ding Dong”

  1. On January 16th, 2014 at 12:53 pm Says:

    you had me at “dong”.

  2. On January 16th, 2014 at 1:38 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:


  3. On January 16th, 2014 at 1:01 pm @Dralthi Says:

    The penis models don’t “come cheaply”? Best snicker I’ve had all week 🙂

  4. On January 16th, 2014 at 1:38 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I heart you madly.

  5. On January 16th, 2014 at 2:49 pm Rusty Brown Says:

    Penii are not, by definition, “teachable.”

  6. On January 16th, 2014 at 3:57 pm Roxie Says:


  7. On January 16th, 2014 at 3:59 pm steph gas Says:

    i’m fascinated about the whole ‘teaching penis’ thing. do you think they make them in your building? he was probably just happy you didn’t start asking him about his huge dong.


  8. On January 21st, 2014 at 10:37 am Jenn Says:

    Get a Contigo brand spill proof travel mug! They are full of the awesome and they are sold at Target.

  9. On January 28th, 2014 at 7:38 pm Veronica Says:

    I carry googly eyes in my pocket because everything is funnier when it can make eye contact.

    I feel like I never use them to their full potential and I’m not sure why.

    At least that is what I used to think till I read this and now I understand.

    I must find my own bendable penis! It is a moral imperative.

  10. On February 5th, 2014 at 4:14 pm Bill Olander Says:

    You obviously need to return under the cover of darkness and steal it.

  11. On February 9th, 2014 at 3:55 pm Caro Says:

    If I had a huge penis to carry around, I’d call him Tony the Wonder Dong.

  12. On February 10th, 2014 at 8:24 pm Wombat Central Says:

    I wonder if he’d been clutching the gigantidong on pubic transit prior to his arrival at your building. Hilares.

  13. On May 30th, 2014 at 11:17 am Li Says:


  14. On June 4th, 2014 at 1:56 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Oddly no. But thanks!

  15. On June 17th, 2014 at 12:27 pm Li Says:

    Uh huh

Email will not be published

Website example

Your Comment:

My site was nominated for Best Humor Blog!
My site was nominated for Hottest Mommy Blogger!
Back By Popular Demand...