Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Diary of an Impending Affair


Based on my clear lack of good blogging material, or to be more honest, the right outlook with which to write about anything at all, I’m yoinking one from the vaults to share with you. This was written about 2 months before I got married in 2005 and has been updated somewhat by moi. Because I’m good like that.

With my impending nuptials lurking stealthily right around the corner, I am consistently reminded of how over half of marriages these days end in divorce. According to the *ahem* interesting folks at livejournals Virgins Over 25 site, that number is markedly decreased for those involved in church. And the number is even less than that for people who raise their children in church.

What this means is that I’m totally fucked.

I don’t WANT to get divorced, too much nasty social stigma attached to that, plus, I’m too lazy to go to court over and over to divide up our animals and dishes, so I have carefully devised a plan to help me stay married. Because if anybody in the family requires the label ‘œTemperful’ it is I. (okay, so it’s not a word. Yet. But it should be)

Ergo, I alone am the danger for divorce.

As most old people will creepily point out to you, the sex and passion tends to die out after a number of years leaving in it’s place a bleak type of emptiness, fulfilled either by really dull pursuits like, ‘œstamp collecting’ and even worse, ‘œbird watching.’

Or an affair.

That’s right, folks, screw the birds and the stamps, the way that I am going to beat a divorce before marriage is through an illict affair, carefully mapped out over the next couple of years. I mean, why WAIT to scratch the itch? Nip it in the bud! That’s what I say.

So I am carefully screening, through an intensive application process (think the Meyers-Brigg crossed with Cosmo quiz) potential candidates for my pending affair and possible illegitimate love-child.

Some candidates in my pool:

Mick Jagger– he may be as old as Jesus, but the man can still MOVE. Plus, he’s got bank vaults full of money and is freakishly fertile, so the child support checks would pay for a big house for Dave and I to live in.

The Garbage Man– perhaps his fragrance is a little on the shitty side (get it?) but he’s got some sexy muscles, and I don’t exactly have a milk-man to fall back on. (Ed note: we have since moved, and I’m no longer inundated with smoldering hot garbage men. I can’t be sure I’ve ever even seen my new garbage men. Sadly)

Anthony Bourdain– While I don’t exactly envision steamy sex fantasies with the guy, I imagine we’d do a lot of drinking, smoking and making each other laugh. Any man who uses the phrase “pube in my drink” on television is a man I’d like to hump. Or at least hang out with.

Anna KorniwhatsherfacedatingEnriquewhatshisface– she’s super, super, super hot. I mean, smoldering hot. I totally want to make out with her, and I’m not remotely gay.

Okay, okay, okay. So I don’t have a crazy long list. Sue me. I mean, it’s not every day that you get to carefully choose AND screen a potential lover, right?

Oh like YOU’VE never thought of doing this! Haven’t you?

Haven’t you???

posted under Aunt Becky Has VD
34 Comments to

“Diary of an Impending Affair”

  1. On October 30th, 2008 at 12:11 pm Rachel Says:

    Back in my married days, which I barely remember, (I mean it was over 10 years ago, and I think I’ve mostly blocked the horror of it out), I had visions of wild affairs with some odd characters. My best friend (who is currently happily married) and I have what we call ‘the list.’ What this means is that our significant other is not allowed to get mad if we sleep with anyone on ‘the list.

    My candidates include:

    Ed from Extreme Home Makeover (the British accent kills me)

    The Sherriff of Nottingham from the Kevin Costner version of Robin Hood

    Jack Nicholson as the Joker in Batman (don’t ask!)

    Beyonce (and I’m not remotely gay either, she’s just too damn gorgeous to be human!)

    Nicholas Cassadine from General Hospital (not even sure what his real name is, who cares?)

    The sharpshooter blond guy from Saving Private Ryan (how sick is it that I was thinking of him during such a tragic movie???)

    Whoever is around when the theme song from the ‘How the Grinch stole Christmas’ cartoon. Something about that song just turns me on.

  2. On October 30th, 2008 at 12:24 pm Betts Says:

    I was divorced once after 6 years of marriage, but I didn’t bother with all the fighting over everything. I took a few things and left. He could have the rest; I just wanted out. Now, I’ve been contentedly married for 10 years. I wouldn’t have the energy for an affair if I wanted one (which I don’t). I think an affair would take more energy than divorce. However, that doesn’t mean I don’t like to close my eyes and imagine George Clooney ravishing my body. Anthony Bourdain? Interesting choice, but I definitely agree that he’d be great to spend time with.

  3. On October 30th, 2008 at 12:35 pm Kristine Says:

    Someone said that 100% of marriage end in either divorce or death.

    My List is:
    Matthew McConaughey
    Owen Wilson

    I seem to like the scruffy blonde ones.

  4. On October 30th, 2008 at 12:40 pm name withheld Says:

    Hi, it’s me! Hopefully you see my email address and know who this is.

    H’anyway, I have a list of random people, like Simon Cowell, Hugh Jackman, and Vin Diesel. But I just this past weekend added a new name to my list, and you should totally google images him.

    Garth Stein


    I had to change my name since I don’t want him to google his name and then my comment comes up and he’s all, Ick, I know that girl!

    But whoa.

  5. On October 30th, 2008 at 12:41 pm Badass Geek Says:

    Why not go bird watching with Mick Jagger? Call it a two-for-one special.

  6. On October 30th, 2008 at 1:05 pm Jenn Says:

    I have a list. Everyone has a list. And why does the list only contain (except for trashmen apparently) celebrities? Is it because “Dude, I’d totally do your brother” makes for awkward moments so we stick to guys like Mike Rowe ( my own personal trashman) and George Strait and Johnny Depp in the first Pirates movie. Maybe?

  7. On October 30th, 2008 at 1:13 pm abandoning eden Says:

    over half of marriages do not end in divorce- only around 30% do. And the divorce rate has been going down in the last 20 years. At the highest it was 40% in the 80s.

    /family researcher geekiness

  8. On October 30th, 2008 at 1:15 pm kate Says:

    Oh sure, every one has a list. The two tops for me are Ira Glass and John Stewart. I like witty Jewish intellectual geeks. Luckily, I just married one a little over a month ago.

    I agree that Anthony Bourdain is hot. But seriously, is there NOTHING that man won’t put in his mouth??

    hmmm…that might not be a bad thing….

  9. On October 30th, 2008 at 1:19 pm guilty noodles Says:

    1. Gabriel Byrne
    2. Steve Buscemi (I have a thing for the ugly sexy)
    3. Jennifer Connelly
    4. James McAvoy
    5. Audrey Tautou

    I’m no lesbian either, but there are some women out there that really do it for me. Wait… that sounded lesbian-ish. Oh, well. Just don’t tell my kids.

  10. On October 30th, 2008 at 1:19 pm Stacey Says:

    I’d totally have an affair with Tony Bourdain, especially if he took me out to dinner. Mike Rowe is certainly a possibility Harrison Ford has been on the list since I was 10 & didn’t know what an affair was. Nobody else is coming to mind though i know there are a couple more.

    I’ve been married 15 years next month. marriages do manage to last despite the odds.

  11. On October 30th, 2008 at 1:22 pm Deb Says:

    Oh honey I have a list, but it’s of all my future ex-husbands.
    #1 Dierks Bentley
    #2 Ed Harris
    #3 Josh Turner
    #4 Mark Martin

    I stopped at 4 cause who wants to have more than 5 ex-husbands? That’ll just make you look like a tramp. 4’s ok though.

  12. On October 30th, 2008 at 2:10 pm Becky Says:

    Ok, I admit I had no idea who Anthony Bourdain was until I saw his picture. Yep I googled him. Very good looking for an older guy. I also have to admit I have no idea where the Mick Jagger thing is, I just don’t see it, other than his money. 🙂 But to each their own. You can certianly have him sweetie. 🙂
    This garbage man sounds intriguing. Wish I could have seen a picture of that.
    And Anna Kournakova is hot!!! I’ll totally agree with you there.
    But my list………hhhhmmmmm
    Definitely Ben Affleck. This man gives me shivers up and down. I’m pretty sure if I was ever to meet him I would be a total bumbling idiot!!!
    Johnny Depp……. I think about 21 Jumpstreet, Benny and Joon. I’ve been a BIG fan of his from day one.
    I would probably never turn David Beckham away. He can make you melt!!!
    And who can say no to Brad Pitt, I would love to be Angelina Jolie in Mr and Mrs Smith. That was a hot movie.

    Of course now that that’s all been said I feel a need to go watch some movies.

  13. On October 30th, 2008 at 2:41 pm Brooke Says:

    Great post! My favorite part? The category “Aunt Becky has VD!” Priceless, Aunt Becky, priceless!

  14. On October 30th, 2008 at 3:27 pm Lannie Says:

    Oh, I totally have a list of potential lovers, both boys and girls because I dig them both. This list is including but not limited to

    – the actress Milla Jovovich (The Fifth Element, Resident Evil — I could watch her all day, she is SO beautiful),

    – Belgian fashion model Jessica van der Steen (that body! those eyes! that smile!)

    – the singer Corey Taylor from Slipknot & Stone Sour (because he might very well have the sexiest voice ever and I really have a thing for sexy voices… also, badboy grin & fuckit attitude. I’ve seen him on stage, he’s sex on LEGS i tell you!)

    – dutch comedian Ruben Nikolai because he’s hot AND funny as helle… and there’s more but I can’t think of any right now 😉

    Thankfully, I know my husband’s list as well, and he has a good taste 😉

  15. On October 30th, 2008 at 4:11 pm Io Says:

    I work surrounded by hot muscle-y firefighters (and old flabby ones) so I will probably have to take my pick from there if Taye Diggs doesn’t swoop in and make mad hot love to me.

  16. On October 30th, 2008 at 4:14 pm Ellie Says:

    Daily. I think about it daily. In fact, I had a ridiculously vivid dream about a guy on my list, and saw him today. And he didn’t even blush! But I think I may have…..

  17. On October 30th, 2008 at 4:17 pm foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog) Says:

    AH! A couple years ago, I did one of those “I’d totally hit that” lists, and Anthony Bourdain was on it, but he wasn’t really on it as hittable, but more as in “I’d totally hit the bar and then roll around laughing with this snarky bastard” kind of way.

    I totally would not eat seal guts for the man, but I’d do a lot for Anthony Bourdain!

  18. On October 30th, 2008 at 4:33 pm Sarah Says:

    My husband is a truck driver. A strangely HOT truck driver, but nonetheless never home.

    I think about it WAY more than I should!!

    And if you haven’t yet, definitely google image the Garth Stein guy. DAMN.

  19. On October 30th, 2008 at 4:56 pm Annitra (A Soldier's Girl) Says:

    Love it!!! Ok, so I am right there with you. Trust me I have many a “fantasy” about an illicit affair or two (I have a pretty darn good excuse, don’t ya think?!?)

    I would add McDreamy and McSteamy (preferably at the same time), Brad Pitt (and I might even let Angelina join in), and Reggie Bush (football player…mmm, mmm, good!)

    Thanks for this post…I needed it 🙂

  20. On October 30th, 2008 at 5:28 pm CLC Says:

    David Beckham, as long as he didn’t speak (because his girlish voice would ruin the moment)!

    And I am such a dummy, I forgot you were a Chicagoan. I will definitely let you know the next time I headed that way so we can meet for drinks (post- babies, of course)!

  21. On October 30th, 2008 at 6:12 pm Ginger Magnolia Says:

    My latest dream lover is Patrick Wilson. MMMMM.

  22. On October 30th, 2008 at 6:55 pm mumma boo Says:

    Ah, the “Freebie” list. Mike Rowe and Harrison Ford. *sigh* Mike Rowe. He was on Sesame Street a while back – I saved the episode on TiVo. For my son. Really. *cough*

  23. On October 30th, 2008 at 9:17 pm Queen-sized funny bone Says:

    Marriage is suppose to be a contract. Love, cherish and all that jazz. When it is not like that I think you should be able to sue.

  24. On October 30th, 2008 at 10:23 pm Melissa Says:

    OH I have a list…

    Taye Diggs, George Clooney, Anthony Kiedis, Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, Jessica Alba and David Beckham- I better stop there before I look TOO trampy.

    And I’m not gay either, but I could be. MH wouldn’t care. Honestly, what guy would??

  25. On October 30th, 2008 at 10:26 pm lindz Says:

    okay, Ill go for it and tell you my list.

    John Cusack.
    Keanu Reeves.
    Jon Cryer~ he WAS so totally hot in pretty in pink as duckie, I wanna fuckie, lol.

    um, then the older man, would be.

    dun dun dun

    Timothy Hutton, (Yes, Susan Sarandons hubby) he is hot!

  26. On October 30th, 2008 at 10:31 pm lindz Says:

    woops, susan sarandons husband is tim robbins, and he was hot in shawshank redemption , but not now, so I did mean STILL Timothy Hutton.

  27. On October 30th, 2008 at 10:42 pm Kristen Says:

    I like Anna too:)
    Hope you are doing alright, thinking of you.

  28. On October 31st, 2008 at 10:00 am heather Says:

    Yeah, I have a thing for Prince. That guy was hot in the 80’s and he just keeps getting hotter. Steamy.

  29. On October 31st, 2008 at 12:41 pm Chris Says:

    Mike Rowe
    David Beckham (I’m fanning myself)
    Keanu Reeves
    George Clooney
    Bob (the trainer on the Biggest Loser….I’m guessing he might be gay, but it’s my fantasy and I can do him if I want to!)

    I must go lie down.

  30. On October 31st, 2008 at 2:00 pm Lynanne Says:

    I’d do Legolas (Lord of the Rings) with his blond hair and blue eyes but am not so hot on Orlando Bloom. I agree with you on Anna – what a bod! Though, given neither she nor I is gay, I’d probably go for Ellen. There I go again with the blue eyes, blond hair and funny personality – it must be a thing of mine. But, since they are all taken, maybe I’d better stick with the UPS man?

  31. On October 31st, 2008 at 3:17 pm heather Says:

    Billy Bob Thorton. Yes, he’s a skank. But he’s a hot, old, withered skank. And while I’m working a stream of consciousness theme here, I’ll add an Angelina Jolie. And I’m still hanging on to Nate Berkus, though he likes boys; he’s still hot AND and! he can decorate the house while I sleep in!

  32. On October 31st, 2008 at 7:22 pm MsPrufrock Says:

    My list is always in flux. First is always…

    Johnny Depp. I suspect this an will be 80 and I’ll still want to have the dirty secks with him.

    Gary Oldman. I just get the impression he’s a bit naughty, and I liiiiiike it.

    Christian Bale. I like a man in a nice suit, and he looks mighty fine in one.

    Gwyneth Paltrow. Ok, ok, she’s a bit of a snob. Ok, a lot of a snob. She’s just so darned elegant. I think I want to be her more than wanting to be with her. To steal a line fro the late HBO show Oz, “I admire her more than I desire her”.

    With famous women I tend to favour brunettes with pale skin and blue eyes (other than Gwyneth). Basically, women who look like me. How creepy and fucked up is that?

  33. On November 2nd, 2008 at 8:43 am jerseygirl89 Says:

    Dude, Hot Guy each had a top five “freebies” list. After a few years, we’ve now upped it to ten. If we up it to fifteen (maybe for our tenth anniversary?) Bourdain will be on it. Now I’ve got Taylor Kitsch (Tim on Friday Night Lights), Jon Stewart, Ewan MacGregor, Jason Bateman, Ben Affleck, Larry Mullen from U2 and I can’t remember who else.

  34. On November 3rd, 2008 at 5:34 pm Coco Says:

    I can’t believe you did a post about The Short List. I was just thinking we needed to have one of these, and now you’ve saved me the trouble!

    Here’s mine, order subject to change:

    1. Viggo Mortensen (oh, the things I would let this man do to me…obscene, nasty, wonderful things)
    2. Daniel Craig (really, the man is so damn hot it ought to be illegal. Actually, I think it is, in Arkansas)
    3. Clive Owen (see comments on #1 & #3, multiply, rinse, repeat)
    4. Gavin Rossdale (did you catch him as the slick demon in Constantine? No? Rent it. I’d endure some torment at his hands)
    5. Bruce Willis (I’ve had a crush on him since I carried around Pee-Chees and wrote his name on them)
    6. Mike Rowe (the hottest man I’ve ever seen in a pile of poo and/or dead animals)
    7. Hugh Jackman (just give me twenty minutes alone with him and I would be happy for the rest of my life. Well, for a long time, anyway.)

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