Diary Of A Nervous Breakdown
A big and hearty thank you from the bottom of my shriveled and blackened heart should go out to each and every single person who thoughtfully left me a comment on my last post. Sometimes, it’s all I need to hear that I’m not alone, not really, in any of this.
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“You told me goodbye, how was I to know
you didn’t mean goodbye, you meant please don’t let me go?”
-Grateful Dead, High Time
I’d been feeling pretty overwhelmed, this much I was aware of. The collective works of Auggie Doggie and Alex meant that my home was destroyed about 20 seconds after I’d painstakingly reached down–not so easy with a burgeoning belly– to clean up the shreds of (insert destroyable substance here). I’d petitioned loudly to find Auggie a new home, but my cries were loudly drown out by promises of puppy school and a better behaved dog (neither of which has happened, I feel I must disclose).
And I couldn’t really see how giving up Alex was going to help anything. But with him napping at most for 2 hours a day on a really, really good day, I’m still unable to catch much of a break from the perils of toddlerhood during the day. Sure, I might joke about it now and again, but Alex is easily one of the busiest and most intense children I know. Which is exhausting. Simply exhausting.
Dave works a job that make other women with small children cringe. His hours are intense, he commutes about an hour each way and is beholden to the Almighty Train Schedule, and what I mean by intense is that his hours are insane. He’s easily gone before the kids are up and back after they’re in bed. I joke that I’m a single parent during the week, because, well, I am.
After some major thing was passed by some governing body somewhere, he had to scramble madly to suddenly take care of something brand-spankin’ new and important…
(aside here: it’s ALL important, top priority where he works. At least, in their heads. As someone who is at least TRAINED to handle life threatening emergencies, I find it absurd.)
…which happened to eat up most of the weekends for the past month or so. And the nights AFTER he comes home. And pretty much any time I might have needed his help with something as simple as “watching the kids so I can shower” or “carrying large baskets of laundry up the stairs.” It’s uncanny and Big Brother-like his job is with picking THOSE moments to require his immediate attention.
But, his job is what allows me NOT to use my training in life threatening emergencies (since I hate it) to earn a living, and for the most part, he really, really likes it.
After fusing my eyelids shut by crying so intensely this weekend (and after Dave was called to work for yet another day off, in which I had such un-fun, yet necessary things that required his help like Going To The Grocery Store, and Buying Gigantic Underwear planned), I realized that something had, indeed, given, just like I’d wanted.
Problem was, it was my sanity.
All of those things, all of these things plus everything I haven’t mentioned here has been nothing but additive to my situation. While I’d occasionally try and subtract something, it never helped, primarily because I never have been able to determine what it was that I could safely subtract.
Sure, I could not feed the (dogs, cats, rabbits, kids) but it wasn’t really THEIR fault that I had no one to help me out. Plus, with the exception of the rabbit, the rest of them would merely follow me around, getting underfoot until I tripped over them and fell SPLAT! on my large ass.
I think we’re going to hire a nanny or a babysitter for a couple hours a day for me so that I can actually do such chores that require me to go from the main floor to the other floors of the house without Alex having an abject temper tantrum (Ben had the Terrible Threes, Alex seems to have started with the Terrible Ones. This bodes ill.).
But, as anyone who has been overwhelmed (underwhelmed?) and feeling remarkably unstable knows, things like this, which are a process, not an event, can feel remarkably daunting when faced with all the steps to get from here to there. Stupid platitudes like “one day at a time” (something I’d normally appreciate) don’t really work right now, since I’m not sure how I’m going to make it through the next hour, let alone an entire day.
I started back on my Vitamin W yesterday, and while I can’t say I’m feeling loads better already, I’m glad I’ve taken a positive step towards getting better. After all, January is a long way off, and I’m pretty sure that new babies aren’t known for easing responsibilities, right?
Oh well. At least I’m lactating for her already. How sexy is that?
I know what it feels like to be a single- married parent– but I am not a stay at home mom…. if I were, I may have no hair at all.. let alone my sanity.
I am sorry that you are having such a terrible time… I think that getting you a sitter/nanny for a few hours a day is a great solution!!
I hope that you find her/him soon….
Until then….
Take a deep breath. Steal a moment to pee by yourself and keep on keepin’ on.
Tres sexy.
Like, “I’m gonna take a cold shower now” sexy.
Pregnant lactating is TOTALLY sexy haut. I’m glad you’re taking some positive steps, and I think the sitter will really help with things like Washing Your Hair and Eating.
As you mentioned, it helps to know you aren’t alone. Check out flylady dot net. She can at least give you a “plan” for getting the housework to a manageable place and there are thousands of testimonials of people who, while never in your exact situation, are close enough (or worse) and can give you some pointers. This system was the only thing that saved my sanity and my marriage after our second child. Also, the only reason I felt capable of having our third (thank the Good Lord for that, because she was worth it). I have been in a similar place (my DH also commutes an hour each way and sometimes works those long hours) and this at least helped me get a decent grip on my home, if not myself. It sucks to have to ask for help, but everyone needs it sometimes.
Oh, baby. That’s all I can say. Been there and done that and I remember. It’s harder than hard.
I hope that babysitter/nanny flies in your door with a magic carpetbag, opens it up and offers you some peace.
Sending good thoughts….
I can understand the single parent feeling. Granted, by kids are older, but there’s a constant hum in my head of what all needs to be done for and with them and, at this very moment, I am so exhausted I feel ill. So I am with you in sympathy. I think if you can find a good person who fits into the days and does well by the boys, getting a sitter so you get a couple hours – which I also hope includes perhaps getting some rest!! – is a geat idea.
Lactating is the new Boob Job, so I’ve heard.
I am glad that you will be hiring a sitter for a few hours everyday. I think that sounds like a great way to try to grab your sanity back. Maybe you can sneak out of the house one day! By yourself! How cool would that be?
Hugs being sent your way!
Hooray! You asked for help and you’re getting it. Even if there are days when you don’t leave the house while the nanny is there (although I highly recommend you get out while the getting is good), it’ll be a huge relief to have someone else entertaining Alex while you tackle what’s necessary. Just remember to take some of that time for yourself. Take a walk, go shopping, read a book, or just sit and do nothing. You deserve the break – you NEED the break. Hang in there!
Hugs to you. I was on Vitamin W and Vitamin P (prozac) for the entirety of both my pregnancies, because I figured a (somewhat) sane mom-to-be was pretty important. I’m glad you’re starting to get the help you need.
I wish I could help more. Know you AREN’T alone.
And yay for early lactation! I started lactating with my second pregnancy even before I was showing, so I feel for you there, too.
Good for you for taking the steps to make you feel better. Hopefully very soon it will be better!
How can things be wrong when your boobies are leaking?
I’m really glad that you’re getting the help that you need (both in the extra hands and vitamin department). It takes an incredibly strong and brave person to be able to ask and receive help. (How’s that for a platitude?)
Big ackward hugs hun
xoxoox
GOT MILK? 🙂
I’m with ya, babe. Hopefully with the help, you’ll be able to “enjoy” beng a mommy better. I think that’s what makes us feel especially guilty when we are depressed, that we can’t be who we want to be for our kids.
I’m so happy you’re taking steps that are giving you some hope!! You so deserve that. (the help AND the hope!) Psuedo-single-mommyhood-SUCKS. I feel you there. And the erratic daddy schedule could be the single cause of our nuttiness.. except that we’ve been provided with so many other reasons to lose our minds too!!
I hope you find someone wonderful, and I hope they stay for 4-5 hours a day, not 2-3, and love both intense childrend AND helping out with housework.
Deep breaths. Crying is a stress reliever. We love you!
Big sighs. Wish I could come and help out, but my rather plus sized arse has grown roots and I am afraid bending over, even for really important things, like wiping aforementioned plus sized arse, have become almost impossible.
TMI?
I still puffy heart you lots tho:)
xxoo
Why in the hell is this parenting thing so damned hard? People have been doing this for eons and for some reason, I have a hard time surviving the days. I blame it on my lack of family/support system.
Anyway, I have some idea of what you are going through. 🙁
Totally sexy.
I always feel better as soon as I make a decision on what to do. In between, I deal with the kind of stress you’re talking about by making lists. Lots and lots of lists. To-do lists, grocery lists, lists of things I hate, lists of things I am lucky to have, lists of books I’ve read, lists of people I want to eliminate, etc. I have (literally) dozens of notebooks filled with lists like that – my top ten movies, a list of the worst moments in my life, a list of things that would be the worst things that could ever happen to anyone, lists of gifts I’ve given and received and so on. When I die the family I’ve left behind is going to have a wealth of useless information about me.
Kent works like Dave does except Kent doesn’t like his job. Or actually, he likes his job he just hates his new boss. Which means that not only is he gone most of the time but whenever he is home then he is also cranky and not-so-great-to-be-around. It’s hard, I know. I wish we were neighbors. So we could at least sit around on our asses and bitch together.
I hope you find a decent sitter for the kids. Maybe you could squeeze naptime in alongside the cleaning when someone is there helping out though. Sleep is good. 🙂
xoxo
I just now read both of these posts. Wow, Becky, no wonder you are so stressed! I mean, even if you didn’t have a legitimate chemical imbalance thing going on, you would still be dealing with a heck of a lot by yourself. I don’t know how you do it!
I won’t even pretend to say I know what you are going through. So while I can’t say I understand, I can say that I admire you for holding up as well as you do. I hope you do get that babysitter, and for more than just a couple hours a day because I think you also need some time for yourself that doesn’t involve more chores!
Oh Becky, it sounds like having such a tough time. I hope you manage to get a baby sitter, it sounds like a great idea. The lactation sounds typical of the universe’s shitty sense of humour.
Well, GOOD. Not about the all the causes, but the solution. Getting some help in there for you should be a priority. I have a spouse who is home every evening by dinner and doesn’t work weekends and I’m STILL overwhelmed. Without his help, I *know* I couldn’t do it alone. Not without hurting someone! You shouldn’t be expected to carry it all and if he makes the money to pay for help, then definitely YES.
I hope your vitamins kick in soon. I really do.
I say get that babysitter….you need all the help you can get!!!!
Being pregnant is hard alone….i’m lucky cause T does everything….laundry, dishes, but I don’t have any little kiddies at home right now.
but i’ve had EVERYTHING W/ pregnancy….
on top of having crohns anyway—–i have gestational diabetes, and spd (symphysis pubis disorder)…edema, sciatia, heartburn and on and on….help is good…and I’m glad you are asking for it.
George works an hour away and hits the gym after work three days a week, so he’s out of the house from 8-7:30 those days. And until about a month and a half ago he was traveling out of town at 16-20 days a MONTH. Which was fucking ridiculous and I hated it.
BUT the whole reason we have this shit-tarded living situation is that I live very close to my mom and she helps me out EVERY DAY. Without that, I’m not sure I could have survived the year he traveled all the time–or this pregnancy.
So I have a ton of respect for what you’re doing, and my heart really goes out to you. There’s NO shame in being overwhelmed and overworked in the situation you’re in. It’s tough, dude.
Keep talking, we’re listening.
Good for you for recognizing what you need and not being afraid to make it happen. I think the sitter will help you immensely! Keep you chin up!
Oh sweetie. Can I just say, that I have been there, not only done that but have the t-shirt, actually have poo, pee, tears and puke on the t-shirt …. You’ll be able to do it! I have faith in you. but you are so right. It’s not easy. Or fun. It’s kind of one of the downsides of having your kids young, while you’re still building a career.
It is worth it in the end though…I’m not sure if that helps, but it always helped me to hear from someone a bit farther down the road.
Hugs!
You are awesome.
Don’t even think about one day at a time. If you need to take it a minute at a time, do it. You’ll feel better for it.
Loves!
i’m just getting around to reading… and I just wanted to say I hear you. I think I may have had pre-partum depression. I had never heard of it, and maybe it was other exterior things in my life (like moving to a new town and having no friends, having a husband afraid to touch my pregnant body, also working insane hours and ignoring me…) I don’t know the cause. But I know that my pregnancy was one of the hardest times in my life, emotionally, and I cried myself to sleep nearly every night. i can’t imagine having done it with other children to care for. So… I wish I had some great advice or words of wisdom, but really, all I can say is I know. I’ve been there. I’m sorry you’re there. And I hope and pray it will get better.
Getting some help in, even if only for an hour or two a day, will probably make a huge difference for your state of mind. I hope you’re feeling better soon.
And congratulations on the PINK one in utero… I am green with envy.
Damned good thing you are back on the vitamin W. I once heard an NPR show (like 5 years ago) on which a doctor reminded us that for many people, anti-depressants are necessary drugs, and not something optional that one can go off when pregnant.
And? Who the hell cares if people remind you how lucky you are? Those are people who clearly don’t understand depression.
I think that you are one sexy mama – and not just because you’re lactating 🙂 Although I think you and I are definitely sexy with our early lactation skills, LOL! I hope the vitamin W helps a little with things and that they continue to improve. Hopefully the sitter helps a bit too. But sometimes I find the “one day at a time” even either a bit not helpful or just annoying to me. So when someone told me that my only job was to take a breath in and another one out – I somehow found that more helpful or manageable. I think it might have been Farah from fertilize me blog…not sure. But I find that comment for some reason helps me sometimes. When I feel like I’m ready to dive out the nearest window – I just take a breath and know that is my only job at that particular moment. Everything else will have to wait until I’m done doing that simple thing. Sorry for the rambling…just wanted to say I’m still thinking of you! ((hugs))
A lactating women is very sexy. I’ve been and sometimes still in the Daver’s shoes. We were in the same situation 4 years ago. I worked late and worked long so that my wife can be home for the kids.
It’s tough, but you guys are tougher…
I didn’t really enjoy my leaky boobs! All of that stress is why I went back to work a day or two. After being a stay-at-homer full time, I was thrilled just to sit in traffic for two hours a day. No kidding. I have a hideously difficult job, but it was easier than being home 24/7.
My best advice is get that babysitter and get out of Dodge, sista! Don’t be like my friend who hired a nanny and then stayed home while the nanny was there, which made the nanny’s job impossible because the kids won’t listen to anyone if mama’s in the house and made her complain that the nanny wasn’t doing anything. I wanted to strangle her!
I hope the W kicks in soon!
yes yes yes keep talking, we’re listening. i don’t have a damn thing to say that is helpful other than to totally validate your shit-tastic feelings and to reiterate that a babysitter is A MUST at this point. you’re on the right track!! god speed my dear. *sigh*
Definitely get yourself a nanny!
and btw very hawt!
Here’s to Vitamin W!
HUGS!
xxx
So glad you’re taking steps to feelings better. Knowing that “vitamin P” couldn’t help me immediately, I still felt somewhat relieved after my first day or so on it – I think it was probably a bit of placebo until the real help came from the drug itself.
I hope you get that nanny help soon! Make sure you use that time to do something for yourself – or you know shopping for pretty girly things.
HUG
As someone who was depressed through pregnancy (with no option of vitamin P those days) none of my friends could understand how depression and a blessed event could possibly go hand in hand. But it does and it is hard.
Get the nanny, take the time she is there to do the things you need to do, but don’t forget to also use that time just to be.
Sending you hugs.
Aww, sugar – a great big hug from me to you.
I’m with you on the single parent feeling…it sucks, and it sucks that you feel like you can’t complain because it’s what lets you stay at home…but you are feeling the stress and HE gets to go off every day and do what he wants while you feel like you have to beg for five minutes alone on the potty, and it all starts to become nothing but noise…and…and…
Crazy isn’t reasonable…it’s loud, messy, and …well…crazy!
I hope you get the very necessary help you need sooner rather than later.
And I hope whoever the helper is, they’re trained as a masseuse, too.
Shade and Sweetwater,
K
Aw geez. So much to say.
First, I was totally going to email you with, Is everything okay? It’s been TWO DAYS since you last posted! But I didn’t want to add pressure, so I thought I’d give you one more day. And look! You posted!
And I know it doesn’t help, but if I lived where you live, I’d totally babysit at least one night a week for free. ‘Cause that’s what friends do for each other, right? But it would come with a string attached of no cleaning the house. You’d be forced to, oh, I don’t know, SLEEP OR SOMETHING.
Not sure what the Vitamin W is but needing some here. I am sick of the tears of frustration at the house, the kids, the husband and the feeling of never being on top of anything. Hope the nanny helps.
Ahh just read back a post so I know now. Not sure we have it by the same name here.