Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Das Boot


In a stunning fit of gracefulness, when I was about 5 weeks pregnant with Amelia I fell down the stairs. That sounds awfully dramatic, doesn’t it? Like I’m being all euphemistic about what happened or something, because by “falling down the stairs” I actually meant that Dave pushed me, or I threw myself, or something equally dramatical.

Alas, no, I am just that clumsy. One look at The Daver would tell you that I really did fall down the stairs. At least, the bottom two.

In doing so, I severely twisted my left foot, and landed myself firmly in the ER, where a puzzled doctor took one look at my purpled and ballooning foot and back at the X-ray and said, “well somehow you didn’t break anything.” Having heard a definite *SNAP* I wasn’t exactly sure about that, but the films showed that my metatarsals were actually intact.

I left in an air cast, ace bandage orders for PRN Tylenol (which, okay, LAUGH because that’s oh-so-effective) and strict orders for elevation and rest. When I stopped laughing because I had a one year old at home who didn’t stop moving, I went home to my highly-annoyed-at-his-clumsy-wife-husband.

I dutifully wore the cast, and was not entirely shocked that with the pregnancy fuck-ton weight gain it didn’t get any better. Finally, I did what I should have done all along–I went to an orthopedic surgeon.

She took a look at the long bones in my foot, manipulated them around, clucked at the X-rays disapprovingly, manipulated my foot again until I cried, and then said, “Well, I’d LIKE to do some more X-rays and an MRI…BUT you’re pregnant. So we can’t do anything. Fractures of the long bones of the feet don’t often show up until days or weeks later.”

She then disappeared for a couple of moments and came back happily with a gigantic black thing which she handed to me.

“Meet your newest shoe!”

For the remainder of my pregnancy I was instructed to wear Das Boot.

It’s like the ugliest thing ever, but I’ll be dipped in dogshit if it’s not the most comfortable thing when your metatarsals are busted and all you can take is motherfucking TYLENOL.

So Das Boot and I were BFF while I was pregnant. We went everywhere together, and let me tell you how people STARED at us. Also, the minute you have a gigantic baby in your belly and a gigantic boot on your foot people assume that you’re pretty much the stupidest person on the planet.

Suddenly, when I was at the store, people would talk to me loudly and slowly as though I couldn’t possibly understand anything at a normal rate. They’d walk behind me so closely and that I’d swear they were auditioning for the role of My Hemorrhoid, but then act furious that I wasn’t walking faster, even though they could have easily skirted around me. I’d get jacked for my place in line, pushed out of the way when I was standing somewhere, and generally shit on.

It was like wearing Das Boot gave other people the right to be an asshole to me.

Pretty sure I scared a good part of the population of St. Charles (and the tri-cities) into being kinder to those with disabilities because anyone who fucked with me heard about it. You don’t fuck with me because you see Das Boot? Das Boot can kick your fucking ass. And if it doesn’t Aunt fucking BECKY will.


So, my foot has been better since I popped Mimi from my nether regions and Das Boot waits in my closet for…something.

Last year, in a fit of masochism I bought the 30 Day Shred, and let it gather dust in my basement. I figured that I might SCARE the rest of the baby weight off by just showing that I’d bought that wretched DVD.

It didn’t work.

So, finally last week, I broke the shrink wrap and popped it into the DVD player; terrified that Jillian Michaels was going to jump out of my TV and call me a fat fucking bitch. Shockingly…she’s cute as a button and the workout is awesome. But remember before you start throwing things at your monitor, that I’m the same person who is planning to learn to SERIOUSLY box and is looking for a local Roller Derby to join.

I’ll admit it, I’m kind of an endorphin junkie, so getting all hopped up on a workout that makes me feel like I’m going to vomit and/or die and then realizing that I didn’t actually die, well, that’s fucking amazing. I thrive on that shit.

But the problem is, it irritates my foot where the fracture didn’t quite heal properly and that makes me Furious George because I can’t go all balls to the wall like I want to. I have to ease into it, and if there’s anything that makes me annoyed, it’s easing into things.

Also things that make me annoyed: being told “no,” Paypal, slippers, reading maps, people who use inspirational quotes without laughing, the color orange, hair product, anything Hallmark, gravity, people who make an “aaaah” noise after they drink, and brass.

Why don’t you gather ’round, Pranksters, and tell Your (gimpy) Aunt Becky what annoys you?

95 Comments to

“Das Boot”

  1. On March 31st, 2010 at 10:29 am Trista Says:

    Hmmm, annoyances…bras with the adjustment straps behind your shoulder (because, WTF?, my arms bend backwards now?); Cadbury Micro-Mini Eggs (because Mini-Eggs weren’t small enough? I swear those eggs are made by the devil. A chocolatey, delicious, devil); the people at work who use ‘communal’ dishes and leave them for someone else to wash (we so need one of those signs that says “YOUR MOTHER DOESN’T WORK HERE); and obnoxious signage like “YOUR MOTHER DOESN’T WORK HERE.

    Oh, and I agree with the commentor who said “vanity plates.” I have a family member who has ones that say “Hee Haw.” I wish I was kidding.

  2. On March 31st, 2010 at 10:12 am Becky Mochaface Says:

    So you’re clumsy AND looking to join a Roller Derby? Now that would be entertainment I would pay big bucks to see.

    Annoyances: Gum (canNOT stand the chewing, popping, smacking, general all-around mastication of the damned stuff); leg and/or foot twitchers/bouncers/shakers; the word like; vanity plates; I could go on and on.

  3. On March 31st, 2010 at 10:15 am Heather Says:

    The fat lady at the gym who wades around the pool for 30 minutes CROSSING THE LANES and impeding my lap swimming while simultaneously managing to not exercise at all and then sits NAKED in the locker room while she does her Mimi-esque makeup on the bench. Naked. On the bench. Where I need to set my stuff.

    Also, I’m planning on trying out for roller derby as well. Do you know they offer classes to get you ready? I bought my skates yesterday. No joke.

  4. On April 1st, 2010 at 12:48 pm yvonne Says:

    Actually they do have classes and practices, that get you ready for roller derby. I did it when I was in my 40’s. also boxed in my 30’s. No shit. Tons and tons of fun. And I’m also clumsy.

  5. On March 31st, 2010 at 11:18 am Ms. Moon Says:

    Here’s just the most recent: A local church which sent me a postcard (To Our Friends at P.O. Box ***, of course) which said on the front, “Because there is Easter, we can live Fearless.”
    Let me count the ways that pisses me off.

  6. On March 31st, 2010 at 11:24 am linlah Says:

    I’m annoyed that not much annoys me.

  7. On March 31st, 2010 at 10:28 am Melissa Says:

    Oh, we are boot buddies! Mine never healed right either. And as for clumsy, I tripped over a fucking LEGO when I broke mine. Good times!

    Ok, I am going to have to say people that feel the need to swing right when making a left hand turn. DIE YOU ASSHOLES!!. *shaking fist*.

    Cashiers that want to have a conversation, but cannot multi-task, you know talk AND scan. It makes me twitch for real.

    I annoy easily, I would fill the page. So I will leave you with those 2 a read everyone else’s as they come up.

  8. On March 31st, 2010 at 10:36 am Leslee Says:

    You want a list of MY annoyances?! Really?! Well, if you insist. I’ll try to keep it shorter than a history book. πŸ˜›

    ~ Not being allowed to drive.
    ~ Not having a washer and dryer.
    ~ The random peanut I just found on the floor.
    ~ Feeling like I’m on a Mother Fucking Boat 24/7 with out actually BEING on a Mother Fucking Boat.
    ~ Socks that aren’t the EXACT same shade of whatever color they are.
    ~ My sinuses.
    ~ Not having a maid.
    ~ Not being able to legally light people who piss me off on fire.
    ~ Bees.
    ~ Not being able to get the fuck out of Michigan.
    ~ People looking at me and gossiping that it’s far too early for someone to be walking around as drunk as I am, even though I haven’t been drunk in quite some time.
    ~ Having to depend on every one and their fucking brother to get me places or bring me things I need, like dish soap.
    ~ Needing to have dish soap.
    ~ That smacking noise people make with their mouths when they wake up or when they feel the need to show that they think something will taste good.
    ~ Constantly having to retype words cuzz I loathe that little red squiggly line that Mozilla likes to throw up.
    ~ Throwing up.
    ~ Not being able to see who’s calling me cuzz I shattered the screen on my phone.
    ~ Not being able to open the sliding glass door cuzz the dude we rent from didn’t see fit to put in the screen door that should be with it.
    ~ Needing to clean the kitchen.
    ~ Not being able to have my minions come clean my house for me.
    ~ Wanting my house to smell like cotton candy, but not being able to make that happen cuzz I lack a cotton candy machine.
    ~ Not being able to use my oven cuzz when I turn it on, it smells like a combination of ammonia, burnt cake and ass.
    ~ Not having vodka or beer or any other type of booze for me to drink so I can feel like I’m one of those pampered housewives that can drink all day and not do shit.
    ~ Not actually being one of those pampered housewives that can drink all day and not do shit.
    ~ Not being able to find Vermonty Python ice cream anymore cuzz Ben and/or Jerry decided not to let me have it anymore.
    ~ That fucking peanut that is staring at me from it’s place on the floor like it’s taunting me to just TRY and move it to the garbage.
    ~ Walking on gravel.
    ~ The smell of burning hair.

    I think I’mma stop there. I could go on and on and on and ON, but I’m pretty sure you’ve got shit to do today. Like finding that roller derby team. πŸ˜€

  9. On March 31st, 2010 at 10:37 am Cyndi Says:

    I tore cartilage in my foot falling off a high heel shoe. At work. In front of people. That was like 10 years ago and it still hurts like fuck! Then again, my mom fell down stairs when she was pregnant with me and I’m still afraid of stairs. There are NONE in my house or around it. We got the only flat lot in northeast GA because of my no stair rule. You go girl with that roll bounce stuff – I don’t even get near the skate rink!

    Peeves? Oh my. Stairs. Those damned Bradford Pear trees that are EVERYWHERE pollinating everything. Being late. Tanning beds. Not being able to tell my daughter that she can’t wear her uniform collar “popped” like this boy in her class does because it makes you an instant douchebag and she would totally go to class and say “my mom said you’re an instant douchebag. Just add water and a popped collar.”

  10. On March 31st, 2010 at 10:41 am Leslee Says:

    Oh yeah! I have a clumsy injury that should be, at the very least, mildly entertaining.

    When I was 14, my friends and I were walking along the railroad tracks cuzz that’s what you do when you live in the town I spent a good portion of my younger years. As we were walking, I decided it would be a good idea to trip over one rail and land on the other. Knocking the wind out of me and caused me to fart for the very first time in front of the boyfriend. THAT made me cry cuzz it made me giggle and giggling hurt. My mom refused to take me to the doctor until about a week later when I woke up SCREAMING cuzz it hurt so bad to breathe. After x-rays, it was determined that I separated my ribs and got to miss the first week of my freshman year at a new high school cuzz I was doped up on muscle relaxers and Vicoden. πŸ˜€

  11. On March 31st, 2010 at 10:49 am A Vapid Blonde Says:

    I have roller skates from the early 80’s that still fit. I am little and angry…ROLLER DERBY!

    (Aslo, men in drawstring sweatpants)

  12. On March 31st, 2010 at 10:57 am Kelly Says:

    I firmly believe that men that go in public in sweatpants should be outlawed. It’s disgusting.

  13. On March 31st, 2010 at 10:50 am Lessons in Life and Light Says:

    Things that annoy me:

    People who drive EXACTLY the speed limit. Hello? There’s at least 5 mph of wiggle room!

    Parking space stealers

    People who don’t pay attention to their kids at the store (the other day, this trashy lady was letting her two little bastards writhe all over the floor near the check-stands at Albertsons–totally not awesome).

    The telemarketers who call my office to offer free magazine subscriptions.

    The intersections where there is literally a bum on every corner. Jesus, at least TRY to be original when you’re panhandleing or however you spell it!

    Bologna. Because, gross.

  14. On March 31st, 2010 at 10:52 am Kori Says:

    The list of things that annoy me is way too long. The first thing to come to mind, though, are asshat motherfuckers who are on the HIGHWAY and slow down to 35 because they don’t know where they are going and then when I have to slam on my brakes (because, you know, they HIGHWAY) and hurriedly move into the left TURN LANE so as to avoid hitting said asshat, they very quickly ALSO pull into the turn lane. And the stop completely. I almost assfucked a little Ford Tempo this morning.

  15. On March 31st, 2010 at 10:56 am Fran Says:

    annoyances: uber-churchy people and their facebook statuses, grammar and or spelling errors in said statuses (if I make one I have to delete and start over) especially the ones where the wrong form of your/you’re is used, and even more especially when the offender is a TEACHER for crying out loud!!, my extremely annoying sister-in-law (who is a teacher with bad spelling and uber-churchy statuses all the time), and unloading the dishwasher. Atleast those are the ones I thought of right away.

  16. On March 31st, 2010 at 1:13 pm Alisha Says:

    Agreed about the uber-church people with the FB statuses and the spelling errors!

  17. On March 31st, 2010 at 11:09 am Kelly Says:

    I have so many pet peeves/annoyances that I should write my own blog post about it. I hate when people are late. I hate getting haircuts, because I always worry they will fuck up my hair. I hate hoverer’s, I currently have an employee that will stand in my office behind me while I am on the phone and just stand there…can’t you see I. AM. ON. THE. PHONE? Just to hand me a fax, or something that I printed off 5 hours ago and didn’t take off of the printer, or to ask if he can go to lunch, just GO!

    I could go on and on, but as I said, I should just make my own blog post about it….

  18. On March 31st, 2010 at 11:12 am stacey@Havoc&Mayhem Says:

    I bought that video with the exact same plan in mind. My fat refused to be frightened, but it has experienced pilates class so it has a high tolerance.

    Food freaks annoy me. It’s not enough to say you had a salad, they have to adjective the ingredients. “I had a fresh salad with organic romaine from the farmers market, some tomatoes from my indoor hydroponic garden, croutons made made from my homemade multigrain high protein bread and some cold pressed extra virgin olive oil hand pressed by this little old lady who’s owned the farm since 1942!

    Yeah…. I had a salad. Period. I see no need to itemize & adjectivize the ingredients

  19. On April 1st, 2010 at 8:48 am Paul Says:

    You mean your salad isn’t a status symbol and fashion statement showing not only your deep dedication to health and the planet, but also proof that you’re better than everyone else?


    (yeah, hate those folks too)

  20. On March 31st, 2010 at 11:15 am Christine Says:

    People that brake on the highway for no reason
    Popping gum
    people that chew on their finger nails
    clicking of pens (the incessant, never ending kind)
    bosses that only delegate and actually do nothing (I might be bitter here)
    Speakers who talk about themselves instead of the topic they are supposed to be there for
    People who stand on the walking side of the “people movers” in airports

  21. On March 31st, 2010 at 12:18 pm Alice Brody Says:

    I so badly want to be a derby girl someday!!! I’m not exactly a shrinking violet but I’ve been known to take shit from people a little too often. Being encouraged to sucker punch someone appeals to me:).
    Things that annoy me….. 1.People who see me with my 4 boys and say “Sure looks like you have your hands full”. That’s code for “Watching you work that hard is making me uncomfortable so please leave my sight”. I have an urge to hiss at people who say that shit to me….but I don’t, I just smile and say “I know, right?!?”.
    2. I LOATH a check out isle that lacks one of those divider bars that conveniently seperates my shit from the person’s in front of me. THAT PISSES ME OFF!!! How do you lose something like that? What other purpose in the store could that possible serve??? Leave it the fuck at the check out counter!!!! I hate having to contantly pull my shit back so it doesn’t get mixed up. My shit-divider-their shit…’s how Jesus intended it, I’m pretty sure.
    3. Servers who bring the scalding hot plates and/or filled to the brim drinks to the table and set them directly in front of my children. Now THERE’S a thinking individual right there. There’s someone who has taken a course or two in Cause and Effect 101. Morons.
    I could go on for days. By the by, I adore your blog. I’ve been following it for a while and decided to start a blog of my own. It’s a baby blog and riddled with defects but like any good Momma I still love it.

  22. On April 1st, 2010 at 8:54 am Paul Says:

    You’d be surprised how often those divider bars are stolen. For what purpose I have no idea, but they go missing all the time.

  23. On April 1st, 2010 at 9:42 am kootenaygirl Says:

    I fully concur re: grocery divider bars. But what REALLY gets me is when the checkout clerk has 42 dividers sitting beside her/him at the end of the checkout, and doesn’t send any down to the people in the line up. And the person ahead of you that could reach the divider just stands there completely clueless and seems put out when you ask them to pass one down.

  24. On March 31st, 2010 at 12:25 pm V Says:

    When old people get pissed at me (aka a young person) for driving the speed limit. I mean really? YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE OLD AND SLOW. ACT LIKE IT!

    How are we looking for the MOD walk?

  25. On March 31st, 2010 at 12:28 pm Wombat Central Says:

    Some of my Annoyances:

    –Women who cake on makeup and PERFUME(!) to go to the gym
    –Mispronounced/misued words (am I a blog hoor if I provide a link to my pronunciation chart here? Perhaps someone else will list this as an annoyance)
    –Lazy bastards who use a handicapped hang tag in their car when they have two perfectly functioning legs (and no Das Boot in sight)
    –Mean betches

  26. On March 31st, 2010 at 12:42 pm Melissa Says:

    I only did that during the holidays at the mall when my tag hadnt expired yet. Hell, they gave me 6 months! I planned on milking that tag for all it was worth!

    And I cannot pronounce February without REALLY REALLY trying. The R just wont come out, and when I do pronounce the R it sounds like I have a speach impediment, because I have to do it really slow.

  27. On March 31st, 2010 at 7:07 pm Melissa Says:

    PS – another annoyance of mine is people that are LEGITIMATELY handicapped and dont use the space (i.e my apartment complex). You HAVE a fucking space, that NOBODY can use, and you clog up the last of the good parking spaces that ARENT handicapped? WTF is that? I mean, we can SEE you are handicapped, take the fucking spot. Is it a guilt or pride thing? My handicapped sister is guilty of this and THAT pisses me off. Especially since her kids are still short enough that they cant be seen from the rear with those high ass SUV’s.

    SUV drivers in winter is a completely different rant. Stay off my ass douchebag. I drive a Jetta, if the road is full of snow and ice I am keeping it slow. You riding my ass because you feel that you are indestructible makes me slow down more and lose my breath and need a fucking xanax. Honking at me will make it worse. Then I break out in a sweat and full blown panic attack. Yes, I know how to drive in snow. YOU dont.

  28. On April 1st, 2010 at 6:10 am Wombat Central Says:

    Wow–I’ve never seen the reverse of that problem. Why the hell would they park in a regular spot? I think you need to go kick her in the shins with Das Boot so she really needs that spot in the blue zone.

    Gotta love stupid drivers.

  29. On March 31st, 2010 at 11:35 am Megan Says:

    Good timing on this entry today, AB. I fell down my stairs just this morning, which pretty much sucked. Fortunately I managed to slide most of the way down on my butt instead of tumbling head over heels. Unfortunately, now my butt really hurts. That, coupled with the pain I’m feeling from my overly intense workout Monday night, have left me hobbling around the office like I’m 80. I always knew that someday my innate clumsiness would be the end of me. This just makes me that much surer.

    As for things that annoy me, I’m going to go with chirpy aerobics instructors who lie to you about how many more reps you’ve got; people who drive 5 feet past the stop line at an intersection, and then have to back up when a car wants to turn into the other lane; the fact that the streets of the city of Pittsburgh are so filled with potholes from snowmageddon that it looks like a war zone on my way to work; the fact that my old ipod charger doesn’t work with my new ipod because Apple is a bitch who just wants more of my money; and anything that doesn’t work the way it’s supposed to.

  30. On March 31st, 2010 at 11:46 am jen Says:

    My husband does the “ahh” thing, and when I give him the evil eye or ask him why he must do that after.every.effing.drink. He acts like I’m the crazy one. What?

  31. On March 31st, 2010 at 12:53 pm avasmommy Says:

    I’m sad now. Cause my baby girl goes “aaahh” after she takes a drink of water. And it’s adorable. And you hate it. Which means you hate her. I’m going to go cry….

  32. On April 1st, 2010 at 6:07 am Wombat Central Says:

    I’ll bet it’s cute! My daughter asks me to do the”aaah” noise sometimes. Once in a while, when you’re parched and the drink really hits the spot, that noise just comes out. Can’t help it. Okay, I could help it if I were in the company of Aunt Becky, because she would probably kick my ass with Das Boot if I did it.

  33. On March 31st, 2010 at 12:06 pm Sir O'sis Says:

    Well, at least you didn’t get the retard knee trike like my wife did when she did the same thing as you on our stairs last year. Except, she wasn’t pregnant (at least by me) and she knew right away she broke bones in her foot. She got the Lurch boot right away to go along with the trike, and was the PYT at the grocery store that attracted attention from all the jealous senior citizens who were jonesing for bunyan surgery in a few weeks. We actually had one ambitious senior stalk us in the store until we finally asked gave her that ‘what’s up, beyotch?’-look and she proceeded to ask us where we got it, what model, and every detail we didn’t want to know about her upcoming procedure. Good times.

    Anyhow, among the many things that bother me, the one that really comes to mind is the plethora of mommy-blogs that suck. There are several that I see on twitter, and they’re always about the cute things their kids do and transformational, learning experiences. Everyone who is a real parent knows that’s bullshit. No one lives in Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood. That’s why I find your blog so motherfuckin’ funny. Keep up the good work.

  34. On March 31st, 2010 at 12:07 pm giggleblue Says:

    finishing shit off that you no longer like.

    like when you switch tooth pastes or laundry detergent or shower gel….

  35. On March 31st, 2010 at 12:08 pm Cara Says:

    I have the same issues with a wrist injury. And Jillian Michaels is mocking me in her shrink wrapped glory from atop my DVD player.

    When I tell my husband nothing is wrong (because there is not) and he keeps asking until he does piss me off.

  36. On March 31st, 2010 at 1:12 pm Susan Says:

    When my favorite acerbic writer/blogger uses the phrase, “cute as a button.” Did you really????

  37. On March 31st, 2010 at 12:15 pm a Says:

    I’m pretty sure everything annoys me at some point. It just requires a certain amount of exposure.

    I’m so glad you re-educated the public – anyone who decided to be rude to the pregnant lady in the boot deserved to have the boot put up their ass.

  38. On March 31st, 2010 at 1:17 pm Nancy from Fear and Parenting in Las Vegas Says:

    What bugs me? People who go on and on about how they love to work out. Pain shouldn’t be THAT much fun. Makes me want to kick their skinny asses in the shins.

  39. On March 31st, 2010 at 12:27 pm Denise@TogetherWeSave Says:

    Ok will I am not pissed about anything right now…. so let me get back to you later.

  40. On March 31st, 2010 at 12:29 pm Chris in PHX Says:

    I woke up to a very sick and pissed off dog this morning, $400.00 later at the vet and Im full of the annoyed and hella broke

  41. On March 31st, 2010 at 12:37 pm Stephanie Says:

    My annoyances, Bex?
    ~stupid drivers (94.7% of drivers today)
    ~women who pee on toilet seats. Seriously? My husband even knows better…
    ~major misspellings on blogs and facebook and Oh. My. God. learn how to differentiate between your and you’re (and yes, I say this to teachers more than I should)

    I agree with Kelly, I could probably write a mile-long blog post about this.

    And I’m in a fucking knee brace right now because apparently, I don’t know how to overrun first base in beer league softball without hurting myself – strained my ACL.
    College cheerleading? Hairline fractured my left foot (had to have a radioactive dye injected into it to find the fracture). Still hurts when the weather changes…and I didn’t get the bad ass boot. Boo.

  42. On March 31st, 2010 at 1:01 pm Jane D Says:

    My pet peeve is when people chew ANYTHING with their motherfucking MOUTH OPEN! Seriously – unless you want me to moo or neigh at you like the animal you are, close your damned mouth. I don’t know how people go through life without learning this lesson. It should be right in the list of things your mother tells you, like don’t pick your nose or fart in public. It’s disgusting!

    Also the dinger on the microwave. Come to my house – we’ll be eating silently and there will be at least one left on the microwave counter.

  43. On March 31st, 2010 at 1:03 pm Rebecca Says:

    Things that annoy me, when people cut in front of me, stand too close to me in line at the grocery store, the numbers in my checking account, being hungry, being tired, the fact that our back yard is swampy, doctors who schedule a sedation MRI at 10am for a 2 year old (which we all know 10am hospital time translates to 2:30pm real life time)…..there are oh so many more

  44. On March 31st, 2010 at 1:05 pm Bobbi Says:

    First – I tore cartilage in my knee on a slip-n-slide stone cold sober. In the ER and x-ray they just kept bringing people over and asking them to guess what I did. Nurses can be assholes. (Sorry Becky. But you know they can.)

    Second – perky waitstaff are the most irritating people in the world. Unless your name is Flo and you work for Mel don’t fucking call me “Honey.” And perky MALE waitstaff all need to be lobotomized. For the good of all mankind.

  45. On March 31st, 2010 at 1:13 pm Alisha Says:

    My pet peeces are going to the bank, getting gas, and having to wash my car. I’d rather scratch my eyeballs out!

  46. On March 31st, 2010 at 1:24 pm Patty Punker Says:

    clean living
    crafty moms
    people who don’t say thank you when you hold the door
    that smoking kills therefore i can’t
    wine coolers or pre-mixed drinks in a bottle (why bother)
    fake flowers
    html code
    people who don’t watch cable tv
    people who don’t curse
    southern baptist weddings
    mean girls
    people who yell out in fitness classes like they’re having an O
    the electric slide
    technical difficulties
    slow walkers (but not the disabled kind at all)
    disney rock stars (we don’t see the oxymoron here?)
    mushy shit (i’m w/ you: no hallmark, no inspirational quotes, no motivational speakers)
    blowing me off for any reason

    ps: i couldn’t box because i’ve my damaged rotator cuff. piss me off.
    pss: “auditioning for the role of My Hemorrhoid” was the funniest thing eva!

  47. On March 31st, 2010 at 1:49 pm Melissa Says:

    I am totally going to say that to someone someday. And try to keep a straight face doing it too!

  48. On April 1st, 2010 at 6:13 am Wombat Central Says:

    The people who don’t thank you for holding the door are right up there with the jerks who don’t give you the friendly “thank you wave” after you let their car into a line of traffic.

  49. On March 31st, 2010 at 1:34 pm The (Terrified) Mommy-To-Be Says:

    Exercising, eating foods not laced with bacon and butter, being fat.
    I, too, just started the 30 Day Shred.
    Yikes bikes.

  50. On March 31st, 2010 at 1:38 pm Sara @ Life With the Two Says:

    I broke a toe while putting on pajamas once.

    I am annoyed by the population of the planet in general.

    Daycare parents who tell me that they are the “more active” parent in their child’s life annoys me too. Especially when the other parent isn’t even in the damn-ass COUNTRY.

    The fact that my dryer doesn’t turn off by itself, and it takes 6 hours to dry 3 pair of blue jeans.

    When I try to open foil lids and the pull tab thingy falls off.

    And many many many more things. I won’t go into because it will just annoy me.

  51. On March 31st, 2010 at 1:49 pm Mwa Says:

    Middle lane hoggers!

  52. On March 31st, 2010 at 1:52 pm Alyssa Says:

    Fell down the stairs too. Basement ones, while wearing sun glasses and sandals.. yea I’m a genius. I didn’t break anything, but I messed up my ankle (the one that was already screwed up from being clumsy in the first place) so bad that I had to have a plaster cast put on for weeks. Then I got this weird air ankle cast to wear for another few weeks. Of course about 2 years ago I fell down my apartment stairs and twisted it again; the day before a family wedding out of town… during the summer. Thankfully no cast this time, just a big fucking ace bandaged purple ankle stuffed into a little stappy sandal. Yea I fall down stairs (and up) a lot.

    Annoyances – People who insist standing halfway up my butt in the line at the supermarket, people who stand plastered up against the ledge of my desk or come around the side of my desk even after I tell them to sit down, people who try to cut me off while driving because they are too stupid or impatient to see the sign that say “Lane Ends” 20 feet before it does, women who can’t figure out how to not pee on a toilet seat, people who use handicap parking when they are not handicapped and/or just to “run in and get something”. (Can I break you legs now so you have a reason to use the fucking space), my sinuses, and being cold when it’s 73 degrees in here. That’s just the short list.

  53. On March 31st, 2010 at 2:00 pm michele Says:

    Things that annoy me:
    People who can’t/don’t respect personal space. Especially if they eat fucked up food that makes them or their breath smell bad.
    People who use they’re/there/their and your/you’re interchangeably.
    People who insist on driving 5mph UNDER the speed limit – even if said limit is 25. I can fucking walk faster than that.
    People who tell me their Great Aunt Matilda “had that sugar thing” and say he’s kinda young for it, when I explain my kid is diabetic and *has* to have a snack. It’s not the same fucking thing asshat.
    Oprah for her piece of shit episode on diabetes that was so mixed up it’s almost wrong.

  54. On April 1st, 2010 at 12:59 pm yvonne Says:

    I would have to hit somebody if they said ‘that sugar thing’ about my diabetic child! Where the hell have you been living for the last 10 years if you don’t know what juvenile disabetes is?

  55. On March 31st, 2010 at 2:10 pm mepsipax Says:

    I hate stupid. I have to talk all loud to them and they are slow. Muahahahahaha.
    But seriously I hate stupid people.

  56. On March 31st, 2010 at 2:27 pm amy d Says:

    UGH! My effing Mother in law. That’s what annoys me!!

    What’s your beef with slippers?

  57. On March 31st, 2010 at 2:32 pm Krissa Says:

    People who drink good bourbon mixed with soda pop, running out of ink in the printer, the tinkly sound of the fucking bell that H fucks with my mind with by moving it around on her table because it’s never EXACTLY where she wants it… until I come from the other end of the house to investigate what the hell she wants NOW, cat throw up, dog throw up, people throw up, throw up in general, chili without beans, sandy sheets.
    I could go on, (and on and on and on…), but then you might think I’m hard to please.

  58. On March 31st, 2010 at 3:03 pm Kristin Says:

    Judgmental assholes annoy the crap out of me.

  59. On April 1st, 2010 at 10:20 am Paul Says:


  60. On March 31st, 2010 at 3:37 pm daisybv2 Says:

    I have many annoyances….

    Here ya go:

    When men constantly touch thier private parts I mean come on dude they are not going anywhere they are still gonna be there when you go to take a piss in like 5 mintues.

    The fee they charge u when you use another banks ATM not that I do this often in fact I hardly ever carry cash just plastic BUT when I wanna go out to the bars…. It pisses me off.

    The way the kids dress at my daughter preschool dont these asstards know that it is a reflection on the parent when your 4 year old comes to school in clothes that are 3 sizes to small and wrinkled to the hills… I mean I dont iron either but its called FLUFF cycle on the dryer. Or when they come to school with snot running from thier noses GROSS come on people…

    I have so much more maybe I should blog about this ya know what I think I am gonna πŸ™‚

  61. On March 31st, 2010 at 5:08 pm Elly Lou Says:

    Am I really the only one who can’t ignore the line “and if there’s anything that makes me annoyed, it’s easing into things.” Fine, I’ll play nice. I’ll just let that wriggly, pink thing lay there on the table until someone else notices it and figures out what to do with it.

  62. On March 31st, 2010 at 5:42 pm Melissa Says:

    I dont get what you mean. I cant ignore that if that helps.

  63. On March 31st, 2010 at 5:23 pm Jess Says:

    Oh the color Orange – GROSS! Also annoyed by the sickness that have invaided our house, the fact that my kid gets sent home from daycare with the plague on a regular basis, my cousin’s wife, red lights, the vtech vsmile baby lady that says ‘Let’s Explore and Learn’, the stepchild.

  64. On March 31st, 2010 at 5:55 pm Amanda Says:

    My biggest annoyance is when people rinse their dirty dishes and leave them in the sink. Because then nasty water just sits around on the dishes and gets cold until I finally put them in the dishwasher. And I can never put them in the dishwasher without getting my fingers wet, which makes my fingers cold and me annoyed.

  65. On March 31st, 2010 at 7:05 pm Shin Ae Says:

    My list of pet peeves is long and judgemental. In order to keep everyone from punching me in the face, this list will be greatly edited:

    1. Really, super long toenails.
    2. People who rip other people off habitually.
    3. Social climbers…WHOA…heading down the judgemental road, let’s take it back to the toenail-type levels …
    4. Speaking of telemarketers, when they ask to talk to my mom then get all rude and non-believe-y when I tell them I’m the mom and then they hang up on me. Also when telemarketers laugh at me and then hang up on me. One of which happens almost every single time they call. It’s hurtful. (pause to wipe tear)
    5. When I buy a new book and it’s all dirty.
    6. Thirty million tons of papers that my kids bring home from school. I’d also gripe if they never brought anything home.
    7. Men who race me to the door of somewhere, then don’t do that little hold for the person behind them that all decent people should do. I’m not expecting a full hold, JUST THE PARTIAL.

    That’s all for now. I’m tired.

  66. On March 31st, 2010 at 6:18 pm MamaCas Says:

    What annoys me? When my mother puts a giant hunk of food in her mouth and then CARRIES ON A CONVERSATION while the food waits patiently in her cheek.

  67. On March 31st, 2010 at 6:27 pm LindsayLu Says:

    Well Hello ClariceAunt Becky.
    My husband busted the crap out of his ankle **~~*2 weeks*~~** after we got married:

    I understand mostly completely. I would have punched myself in the clam had I injured my pregnant self.

  68. On March 31st, 2010 at 8:04 pm Shin Ae Says:

    Also, I spelled “judgmental” incorrectly.

  69. On March 31st, 2010 at 7:21 pm Jessica Says:

    Long time listener, first time caller

    Randomness: did you know that the phrase “balls to the wall” isn’t actually dirty but comes from military pilots? The sticks they use to fly with have balls on the end, which by pushing forward makes the plane go faster = putting the “balls” to the wall!

  70. On March 31st, 2010 at 8:12 pm Jennifer B Says:

    Well, since you asked… Things that piss me off:
    1. My sister-in-law, who thinks that because she lives next door and has our emergency key, that she can just walk into my house whenever the fuck she feels like it without knocking or calling- Byotch!
    2. People who don’t understand the purpose of a fucking turn signal. Ok, actually 99.9% of the drivers in Miami- they really, really suck ass.
    3. Most of the other parents at daycare. Just this morning I saw a 3 year old get out of the FRONT seat of her father’s car, and there was no carseat. Ok, that’s just wrong. And all the kids that come to daycare with boogers and rampant diseases- also wrong.
    4. The fact that my husband’s firm makes him their bitch and I never get to see him.
    5. Everything about our homeowners association, they are evil.
    6. 95% of the parents of the students I teach.
    I know there are lots more, but that’s what’s on my mind at the moment. Thanks for letting us all vent Aunt Becky, that was nice. I feel better now.

  71. On March 31st, 2010 at 8:24 pm sarah Says:

    I don’t know, but roller derby fucking rules, and you would kick ass.

  72. On March 31st, 2010 at 8:29 pm Becca Says:

    People who attack you while your at work bc they think you won’t respond! Bring it on, I’ve done this before… I will win!

  73. On March 31st, 2010 at 8:47 pm Stephanie Says:

    Basically people in general annoy me. More specifically however, people who smack while eating. I could stab them. Chewing gum with your mouth open. I would love to stab those people. Looks like a cow chewing it’s cud. People who kick the back of my seat in a movie. Almost stabbed one of them last week. People who leave their grocery cart in the middle of the fucking grocery aisle. HELLO? One side or the other!!!! Yeah, people annoy me.

  74. On March 31st, 2010 at 9:56 pm shiznee Says:

    What I want to tell you is that I severely sprained my ankle and went to all sorts of doctors, and the one person who finally cured me was my chiropractor. If you could find a good one, I’m telling you….magic.

  75. On March 31st, 2010 at 10:33 pm phd in yogurtry Says:

    I am not nearly so frightened about breaking a bone as I am having to appear in public places wearing one of those ugly boots.

  76. On March 31st, 2010 at 11:31 pm GingerB Says:

    I face planted in gravel for no good reason at all, while attending a professional conference, leading everyone to believe I was drunk although I was not, and I now have scars on my face because I can’t fucking stand up unassisted predictably.

    Becks, I am sorry but my baby says “ahhh!” after she drinks her juice and I love it.

    My goddamned old dog shit all over my two living room rugs today. All fucking over. I know she is old but WTF? She might be euthanized soon if that shit doesn’t stop.

  77. On April 1st, 2010 at 12:46 am Amanda Says:

    First: I would PAY to see you in a roller derby! It would be awesome.

    Things that irritate the piss out of me: burned coffee, no coffee, inept people at work, when my boyfriend jerks awake after falling asleep with his GODDAMNED contact lenses in for the billionth time and nearly breaks my effing nose, the sound a clogged nose makes, people that hover waaay too close to me, the smell of cigarette smoke, trampy teenagers at my gym, dirty dishes on the counter tops, stupidity, intolerance, people that shove their view points down your throat and crucify you if you disagree with them and finally: people that don’t respect the pregnant lady wearing das boot. Those assholes!

  78. On April 1st, 2010 at 2:50 am Wildbriar Says:

    Oh, dear…. I did nearly the same thing when I was about 4 months preggers stepping out of a car and into a pothole. In spite of the lack of evidence of fracture I was put in a half- cast and told not to bear any weight on the leg for THREE WEEKS!! Mind, this was while working as an ICU nurse, where crutches don’t exactly make the job easier, and trying to drag my already huge, pregnant ass around on aluminum sticks seemed to me like a good way to break something else, like my neck. To this day the leg still gives me fits.

    Good luck! You’re definitely not on my list of “things that annoy me”.

  79. On April 1st, 2010 at 3:32 am Kristine Says:

    Maybe it’s because I’m working on 3 hours of sleep here, but I swear I read you were annoyed by being told no BY Paypal and I was all “why would paypal tell you no?” Anyway, things that annoy me? Monthly Family Projects for a 3 year old in day care. Because – seriously?

  80. On April 1st, 2010 at 5:25 am moonspun Says:

    I had a Das Boot myself, which, well I called my moonboot because, well I am moonspun and mind was grey. Anyway, while I wasn’t pregnant, I know what you mean about people first, trying not to stare, but looking at it blatantly and second, pushing past you rudely. And when I had it and was on crutches (this was all me recovering from a bone spur surgery where they cut apart my achilles heel) and would go grocery shopping with hubby and whiz around in the wheelchair they store provided. It was appalling how people treated me. I’ll never remember the woman who cut me off with her cart to get to the checkout line. Like it was rush hour traffic!

  81. On April 1st, 2010 at 7:32 am Melissa the Librarian Says:

    I broke my thumb, not once, not twice, but four times. In consecutive weeks. Painting. I am that epically awesome.

    Things that annoy me:

    -When my husband asks me incessantly if somethings wrong when nothing is.
    -Mathies – aka people who love math.
    -Students who come behind my desk in the library – are you a fucking librarian? No, get the shit back over there.
    -Not having coffee.
    -People who say, oh, you’re grumpy, you mustn’t have had your coffee yet.
    -People who stop in front of me for no reason.
    -People who assume that because I am only 17 years older than my son, that I am an idiot and constantly need advice.
    -People who judge me because my son’s favorite singers are Ozzy Osborne and Rob Zombie, but let their four year old dress like ho-bags.
    -People who chew with their mouth open.
    -The Moody Blues.
    -And students.

  82. On April 1st, 2010 at 8:20 am Teresa Says:

    I fractured my foot and it never set right. Then a year later I did about 3 days of “The Shred” and I was poppin Vicodin. It is/was that bad. Although, since I healed, I have been doing it with out the jumping jacks and running in place. I do the other jump rope and the punches instead. It still works, maybe just not as well.

  83. On April 1st, 2010 at 10:04 am kootenaygirl Says:

    – “Anyways”
    – “Me and him seen it yesterday”
    – Having to repeat myself
    – Sarah Palin
    – Over packaging
    – People who volunteer their personal history to anyone who makes the mistake of pausing too long in their general vicinity.
    – Smokers

  84. On April 1st, 2010 at 10:16 am Dr. Dre Says:

    This isn’t a Boot story, but when I was about 10 and the bossiest little bitch of all my cousins, I designated myself as the one who got to poke holes in the lid of the jar we were going to put a giant butterfly in. Well, we find an old rusty ice pick and all six of us were standing around in a circle while I’m poking holes in the lid. My older (wiser) cousin notices that the jar is slipping down in my hand and warns me to be careful. I rudely blew him off and then proceeded to plunge the rusty ice-pick through the skin between my thumb and forefinger. What an idiot. I ended up having to get a tetanus shot. Fun summer.

    Oh where to begin… it seems as though most of us have something annoying on our minds already. Friends, don’t ya hate it when your boss won’t tell you that you did something wrong. And then he doesn’t tell you what you did wrong, he just keeps reassigning YOUR tasks to your co-workers. Then when you ask what you have done wrong he replies, “I don’t want any sidebar comments.” I know it must happen to so many people, but I am glad you’re all out there to understand. Yeah. I hate that.

  85. On April 1st, 2010 at 10:31 am Lily Says:

    Naming this post “Das Boot” is the most hilarious idea ever πŸ™‚

  86. On April 1st, 2010 at 12:27 pm Aurora Says:

    I am annoyed by a great portion of the general American population who go about their daily lives apparently with the idea that they exist alone on our planet. This includes the door non-holders, the no-thanks wavers, the middle-of-the-aisle cart stoppers, etc. Canadian drivers (specifically from Alberta). MPH not KPH! People who don’t acknowledge they have been spoken to. At least fucking nod! Bad grammar, spelling, and table manners are also on my list. I once broke up with a perfectly sexy and intelligent man because his table manners were awful.

    I totally dig your blog. It gets me through many angry days!

  87. On April 1st, 2010 at 5:32 pm Dawn Says:

    People who say, “myself and Aunt Becky” instead of “Aunt Becky and I.” I heard an internal medicine specialist say this just yesterday. And it makes me want to scream. REFLEXIVE PRONOUN, PEOPLE! LEARN WHAT THAT MEANS.

    That is all.

  88. On April 1st, 2010 at 6:49 pm Mommy on the Spot Says:

    Furious George! I love it!

    A lot of stuff annoys me like pathological liars, noisy eaters, and people who text when I am talking to them just to name a few. . .

  89. On April 1st, 2010 at 8:36 pm Katie Says:

    I broke my ankle sliding down a flight of basement stairs…in a frat house, after a couple of cups of “Jungle Juice”. Oh College.

    Things that annoy me? Strangers who try to talk to me when I am obviously trying to avoid them. Greenpeace people? Please leave me alone, really. And since I live in an older city, those sons of bitches that just love to walk, stop in the middle of the sidewalk, then look up and stare at the architecture. Because blocking foot traffic is totally awesome on a busy city sidewalk. Thanks.

    Good luck with The Shred! πŸ™‚ I can’t do those dvd workouts, I’m horrible with following choreographed movements: I do jiu jitsu and judo instead, where choking people is totally encouraged.

  90. On April 2nd, 2010 at 12:18 pm Ashley, the Accidental Olympian Says:

    I highly suggest playing roller derby. Odds are your feet will never ever look even remotely cute afterward, there is a high probability you’ll take a bad fall and break the foot again, and after your first practice you will have some of the worst bruises ever, BUT it’s still amazing and worth it.

    I joined a team (the Oly Rollers) in November, and not only am I in love, I am actually in Bend, OR right now for an away game for my team.

    Warning, derby is addicting and amazing and might take over your life.

  91. On April 2nd, 2010 at 7:08 pm Kelley @ Magnetoboldtoo Says:

    Bitch be careful!

    You know I had the RoboBoot and I hated it with the thousand suns that shine out of my brothers arse.

    I nearly landed back in the sonofabitch after walking UP a flight of stairs.

  92. On April 3rd, 2010 at 3:42 pm Kimmm Says:

    My mother-in-law who makes snarky comments just out of earshot of my husband.

    Students who are selling magazine subscriptions so they can go on some “educational trip” and feel the need to ring my doorbell.

    Parents who will snottily tell you that their child is going to such and such elementary school.

  93. On April 3rd, 2010 at 6:33 pm charity Says:

    patients who ring the call bell 47,000 fucking times a day.
    dirty floors. messy people. passive aggressive fucks who think you dont notice they are passive aggressive.
    my neighbor who hasnt worked a day since we moved in (its been over 3 years).

  94. On April 6th, 2010 at 11:49 am Dora Says:

    Alright, I know I’m late commenting here, but postpartum hair loss is annoying me majorly. Handfuls! Freaking handfuls!

  95. On August 2nd, 2010 at 10:10 am Jack Says:

    Hello Your, I’m interested in this also. (See the most recent article on my blog for more info.) Your blog post makes for engaging reading; you’ve most definitely provided me with lots of food for thought.

Email will not be published

Website example

Your Comment:

My site was nominated for Best Humor Blog!
My site was nominated for Hottest Mommy Blogger!
Back By Popular Demand...