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Curing Cancer (and other things I haven’t finished)


Now, you didn’t really think I had cured cancer, did you? If I had, my face would be plastered on pretty much every magazine cover, I’d have multiple bookings on Good Morning America and Larry King Live, and the world might award me a Nobel Prize. No, I haven’t quite cured cancer yet, but I’m pretty sure I will. In the words of my high school Guidance Counselor, Mr. Duffy, I just need to apply myself more.

Sure, I’ve applied myself to certain worthwhile pursuits, convinced of my own inherent genius without so much as a glance at the facts. Why, this one time I almost became an artist! A veritable child prodigy! Another time I nearly became a culinary genius, which, despite how they make it look on television is no easy pursuit. Sure, I’ve failed more times along the way than I can count; becoming a nurse instead of a doctor, having a child rather than a trained monkey butler, getting pregnant against all odds, facing the hurdles of autism and death, marrying a man in lieu of traveling the world while simultaneously curing both AIDS and poverty. And fatness. Don’t forget fatness.

But one of these days, I tell you, I’m going to finish curing cancer.

I just know it.

37 Comments to

“Curing Cancer (and other things I haven’t finished)”

  1. On July 10th, 2009 at 9:58 am Badass Geek Says:

    You will do it. And I’ll be one of the little people that you thank. =)

  2. On July 10th, 2009 at 10:37 am Jessica from Michigan Says:

    I hope your subscribers get first dibs on your fatness cure. Where’s the line? Just point me in the right direction. Never mind, I’ll find it.

  3. On July 10th, 2009 at 10:17 am Suzy Voices Says:

    I want a trained monkey butler too!

    If you could cure cancer AND fatness, you would be more legendary than Michael Jackson 😉

  4. On July 10th, 2009 at 10:26 am daisybv2 Says:

    I would love it if you could find that cure….

  5. On July 10th, 2009 at 11:57 am SciFi Dad Says:

    When I was in high school, I was one of the nerdy smart kids. One of my best friends was too (naturally).

    His label? Most likely to find a cure for cancer.

    My label? Most likely to split an atom with his bare hands.

    Pretty much sums it up.

  6. On July 10th, 2009 at 12:11 pm Westcoast Weirdo Says:

    So glad to be back and able to read your blog again! I missed my shot of vodka in the blog world!

  7. On July 10th, 2009 at 12:13 pm The Boss Says:

    One of these days you will totally cure cancer, Becker. And then you will build me a carriage house in your back yard and Badass and I will be your neighbors. Live in babysitters…think about it.

  8. On July 10th, 2009 at 11:14 am Cute~Ella Says:

    I have faith that you will do succeed in your endvors. At leaset that’s what my fortune cookie says today.

    Can’t wait! I wonder if you’d make more money off the fatness cure or the cancer cure…

  9. On July 10th, 2009 at 11:18 am Mimi Says:

    I love you. Will you make out with me? I don’t know what I would do without my daily dose of Aunt Becky.

  10. On July 10th, 2009 at 12:21 pm Kristina Says:

    You’ve already cured Chron’s, geez, go easy on yourself. You are only one person 🙂 Plus, if you cure cancer, I’m pretty sure you would be too busy to write a blog post everyday and that would really make me sad.

  11. On July 10th, 2009 at 11:28 am mountainmomma18 Says:

    When I was young I had all of these dreams of what I was going to do without a thought of changing them, then I grew up and realized sometimes those dreams change and while on the road you will stumble, but I think that I have learned something from every stumble. I am also sorry for the cheesy crap i just wrote above, but I had to take a pain pill so I am all deep and stuff.

  12. On July 10th, 2009 at 11:35 am Mrs.Spit Says:

    meh, I was going to be a ballerina, on par with Karen Kane. Which is, at best, laughable, given my 5′ 2″ stature.

  13. On July 10th, 2009 at 11:39 am a Says:

    Curing fatness would be far more profitable, I think. But if you cure cancer and fatness, you will surely win several Nobel prizes.

    Best I’ll probably ever do is a Darwin award…

  14. On July 10th, 2009 at 11:41 am lady lemon Says:

    If you cure fatness I am building a shrine to you.

  15. On July 10th, 2009 at 11:41 am Jenn Says:

    You. You make me smile.

  16. On July 10th, 2009 at 12:47 pm Nicolasa Says:

    I sure hope your on you’re way!

  17. On July 10th, 2009 at 12:52 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Me too! I am totally looking forward to crossing THAT nasty disease off my list.

  18. On July 10th, 2009 at 11:52 am choosy Says:

    I agree, fatness would probably make more money. Especially if it didn’t stay cured. Make sure you allow for relapse.
    That’s where the real money is.

    And can you be my monkey butler? He really needs one.

    pooh. everywhere.

  19. On July 10th, 2009 at 12:02 pm Employee No. 3699 Says:

    Can I have your autograph now so I can sell it on Ebay once you’ve famous?

  20. On July 10th, 2009 at 12:04 pm Employee No. 3699 Says:

    Oh, duh. That should read: once *you’re* famous.

  21. On July 10th, 2009 at 12:09 pm Mrs Soup Says:

    Hey, if anyone can it’ll be you. You’ll discover that the mixture of ketchup, peaches and chocolate cause it immediately.

    And I’ll be there cheering you on!

  22. On July 10th, 2009 at 12:21 pm Jenn Says:

    See and I think that you could cure both cancer and fatness and STILL not be as famous as MJ.

  23. On July 10th, 2009 at 2:24 pm heather Says:

    Wait. I thought The Daver *was* your monkey butler. I’m confused now.

  24. On July 10th, 2009 at 2:01 pm Angellee Says:

    aunt becky. i am sending you an email…. because I accidently threw away the envelope we recieved the book in so I cant send you REAL mail! 🙂

  25. On July 10th, 2009 at 2:04 pm Tara Says:

    Yes curing cancer would be an AWESOME thing, fatness would also be good.

  26. On July 10th, 2009 at 2:47 pm Michelle Says:

    If you could focus on the fatness first…

  27. On July 10th, 2009 at 4:20 pm Ms. Moon Says:

    Somebody’s gotta do it. Might as well be you. And why the hell not? You’re not going to be changing diapers forever. Swear to god, you’re not.

  28. On July 10th, 2009 at 3:36 pm Marinka Says:

    Oh, great, now I can take that off my list. Could you see about irrigating the Sahara too, please?

  29. On July 10th, 2009 at 3:52 pm Kristine Says:

    Oh good, you cure cancer, I’ll take on diabetes.

  30. On July 10th, 2009 at 4:46 pm tobacco brunette Says:



    Shit…this is awkward.

    Ummm…that cancer curing thing? I just did it. Like a few minutes ago. After Owen’s bath.

    No hard feelings right? I mean…there’s still near sightedness. Skin tags. Premature baldness. Impotence. All kinds of stuff you can work at…

    Oh fuck…just took care of near sightedness, too. While I was commenting…didn’t even MEAN to.

  31. On July 10th, 2009 at 5:07 pm Io Says:

    Meh. I already cured HIV – in fourth grade. We found out that stomach acid killed the virus. THEREFORE we just need to inject stomach acid into our veins.
    I’m still waiting for my Nobel…

  32. On July 10th, 2009 at 6:10 pm Inna Says:

    I’ve been trying to cure cancer for years! I can’t believe you beat me to it!
    Ah well, I’ll move on to some other big disease or something 🙂

  33. On July 10th, 2009 at 6:22 pm DG at Diaryofamadbathroom Says:

    Wish I had even one lofty goal. I am satisfied when I dress myself and make it through the day without crapping my pants.

  34. On July 10th, 2009 at 7:53 pm Apple Sauce Says:

    What about a cure for kids born with NO LEGS?

    Sorry…I had to.

  35. On July 11th, 2009 at 11:16 am Betts Says:

    When you’re done with that could you work on the common cold?

  36. On July 11th, 2009 at 12:18 pm Kendra Says:

    See, my childhood dream was to grow up to be Smurfette. I still kind of hope it will happen–all the white dresses, talk of “smurfing” this and “smurfing” that, plus everyone is named after their personality, so their are no surprises.

    A cure for cancer would be great, though I don’t have that (knock on wood). Fatness, now, that’s a cure I could get behind… so to speak. But if you can find a way to let me turn into a cartoon character from the ’80s? That would be awesome.

  37. On July 13th, 2009 at 11:49 am Nancy Says:

    I have faith in you!

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