Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Cruisin’: Your Aunt Heather


OK, Pranksters, since Becky is off in the ocean somewhere living it up and Internet access on a cruise is like 17 gazillion dollars a minute, she begged convinced the lovely Heather Spohr of The Spohrs Are Multiplying to fill in for her today. Which is totally RAD.

So enjoy, and don’t forget to ask me questions for this Sunday’s Go Ask The Daver!

— your The Daver.

So that lucky vagina Becky is on a cruise, leaving the rest of us at home, on dry land, totally not enjoying all you can eat food or questionably dressed passengers. Or tons of things to do, gorgeous pools, and warm weather. Or people waiting on you hand and foot, beautiful views, and did I mention the all you can eat food?

Some people have all the luck.

I have been on a cruise once in my life. When I was 21 and a senior in college, one of my friends got the idea that a cruise would be a great way to spend spring break. It caught on like wildfire, and suddenly everyone I knew was going. Well, OK not EVERYONE I knew, but there were twenty three people going. I begged my parents for the money to go, (IT WILL BE OUR LAST HURRAH! WE’RE SENIORS! WHY DON’T YOU LOOOOOVE MEEEEEEEEEEE?!), and I soon found myself on a cruise ship to Mexico.

I get insane motion sickness – cars, planes, boats, you name it, I get sick. Before I left for the cruise, my doctor wrote me a prescription for a seasickness patch that went right behind my earlobe. It was AMAZING. I was never sick, even when the seas were crazy and all my friends had their heads in buckets. I felt invincible.

You know what made me feel even MORE invincible? Alcohol. I didn’t know it at the time, but sea sickness patch…enhanced…the effects of alcohol. They should probably put that on the label. After two drinks, I was good to go. Of course, being 21 years old, I never stopped at two. That would have been RESPONSIBLE.

On one of the first nights, I had a few glasses of champagne, and I suddenly had a moment of clarity: I was related to George W. Bush! I started to tell all my friends. “You guys…I have to tell you that he’s my uncle. It’s awkward sometimes because we differ politically, but he’s family and I am suuuuuper close with the twins.” I told strangers. I told the wait staff. I pretty much convinced everyone I was related to the president. And by convinced everyone, I mean I became notorious as a total drunk whack job.

Another night, I enjoyed a few more glasses of champers, then went dancing. After we left the boat’s club, we went up to the late-night buffet. While we waiting for our drinks to arrive, I became completely parched. So I reached for the water on the table and brought it up to my mouth. So what if it happened to be a vase full of flowers?

Needless to say, I have yet to live either of those incidents down. And now I’m pretty sure my parents are going to demand I repay them the money they spent.

Becky, if you try to convince people you’re related to Obama, I will love you forever. But don’t drink vase water. It doesn’t taste good.

27 Comments to

“Cruisin’: Your Aunt Heather”

  1. On May 13th, 2010 at 12:24 pm Megan (Best of Fates) Says:

    Maybe you *are* related to the Bushes, only there was some terrible family saga a few generations ago that no one now speaks of, denying you the rightful heritage you so richly deserve. I mean, I’m just writing stuff down with no forethought, but I think I’m onto something here.

  2. On May 13th, 2010 at 12:25 pm Di@PowderRoomGraffiti Says:

    Hey – a vase of flowers is just like an alcohol-free cocktail! Some people have umbrellas or fruit – you have a couple of chrysanths…..

  3. On May 13th, 2010 at 12:14 pm Becky Mochaface Says:

    Note to self, tell doctor you’re going on a cruise so he’ll prescribe sea sickness patch and remember to look up real cruise lines and destinations to make it sound legit.

  4. On May 13th, 2010 at 12:15 pm Melissa Says:

    I havent been on a cruise since I was 14. But. At 14 you ARE able to procure drinks on a cruise. At least back in the 80’s you were.

    That said, I once ate a flower that was on the side of my plate to make it look pretty at a fancy restaurant. My date looked at my like I had 3 eyes when I spat it out! And I wasnt even drunk.

  5. On May 13th, 2010 at 12:20 pm Jessica Says:

    HAHA that was hilarious.

  6. On May 13th, 2010 at 12:34 pm Txtingmrdarcy Says:

    Ok, you had me at “that vagina Becky…” Absolutely hilarious, Aunt Heather.

  7. On May 13th, 2010 at 12:37 pm toywithme Says:

    Imagine how much money I could save on vodka by using those patches. I could be on a cruise in no time. Great job Aunt Heather!

  8. On May 13th, 2010 at 1:01 pm Kelly Says:

    The nice thing about cruises is that when you are drunk and wobbley on a boat, you aren’t nearly as obvious as when you are drunk and wobbley on dry land. At least you have a very good excuse, to be wobbley.

    I bet Aunt Becky would be able to tell you some nutritional value in that flower water you drank. She is the orchid lady after all..then you could say that you drank it for a reason.

  9. On May 13th, 2010 at 2:02 pm Natalie Says:

    I’m thinking I need to get some of those seasickness patches…I’d save a ton of money on alcohol!

  10. On May 13th, 2010 at 1:02 pm a Says:

    Well, Aunt Becky only claims to have a brother, so clearly she and her sister (Aunt Heather) were separated at birth.

    Thanks for the tips on cruise travel, Aunt Heather. I am sure I will find them useful!

  11. On May 13th, 2010 at 1:05 pm Wicked Shawn Says:

    I believe the Gaunlet has been thrown down. Becky’s challenge on her cruise, should she accept it, is totally to convince people she is somehow related to President Obama. That would be full of win and a great blog post!!!

  12. On May 13th, 2010 at 1:05 pm Wicked Shawn Says:

    or Gauntlet…..jeez!!!

  13. On May 13th, 2010 at 1:08 pm Wishing4One Says:

    I bet the people listening to you say you were related to Bush were laughin their ass off behind your back. “yeah drunk lady we know you’re his niece… have another drink…” Great guest post thanks.

  14. On May 13th, 2010 at 1:11 pm ThePeachy1 Says:

    I took my entire family ( husband and 3 kids) on a cruise when the oldest 2 were in high school. EVERYONE puked the entire trip, we didn’t see the dr first cause we don’t get motion sickness, only clearly we do get sea sickness. I turned it into a learning experience and between dumping garbage cans would say, don’t you feel sexy cause this is what you do when you drink too much, HOT huh? My youngest was 6 and he barfed in the formal dining room which may or may not have been worse than drinking vase water. and fortunately we are not related to Bush.

  15. On May 13th, 2010 at 1:16 pm Mary Says:

    mmm seasickness patch and drinks,,,,I could sit by a pool and believe believe that I’m on a cruise. After a few more, I could even visualize my pretend cabana boy. Now I don’t even feel jealous of the totally awesome Aunt Becky and her whore mouth.

  16. On May 13th, 2010 at 1:18 pm Jennifer B Says:

    Oooh. I’m so excited we get a sub for the day. Aunt Heather, you rock as a sub, I think you totally worked it out. Great cruise story. I went on a cruise once… and did the oh-so-typical drunken party boat and get your hair did by an islander into those ever so adorable cornrows. Yeah, um… I’m blonde, blue-eyed, and whiter than a bedsheet. Wanna know how stupidly ridiculous I looked? Oh well. At least the cruise was fun.

  17. On May 13th, 2010 at 1:39 pm Rebecca Says:

    Love the cruise story….I’m afraid of big boats, so I doubt I’ll ever go on a cruise. But I oh so want a vacation on the beach at a resort that has endless amounts of food to eat.

  18. On May 13th, 2010 at 2:03 pm Andrea Says:

    Oh man we need to hear from you more often! Vase water? CLASSIC. Aunt Becky, consider a permanent spot for the Daver in future.

    Lurve, the Crazy Lady

  19. On May 13th, 2010 at 2:19 pm thenextmartha Says:

    I knew there was a reason I was missing out on cruises. I’m sure that I could convince many people that I was Martha Stewart’s cousin and in turn get upgraded everything.

  20. On May 13th, 2010 at 5:43 pm SciFi Dad Says:

    Boats make me think of my inlaws’ cottage: the place where I met them, and the first thing my FIL asked me was, “I know she’s spent the night at your place. Do I really need to make up two beds?”

    Uhm, yeah.

  21. On May 13th, 2010 at 8:01 pm BecZhang Says:

    I am totally getting a sea sickness patch and some tequila and sitting in my bathtub. Eventually I will think I am on a cruise ship. My husband thinks that since we were in the Navy we don’t need to go on any more ships. He’s a little douchey. Awesome cruise story.

  22. On May 13th, 2010 at 11:51 pm Kristin Says:

    Truly wonderful stories but I can’t use those anti-motion sickness patches. I have a serious allergic reaction to them.

  23. On May 14th, 2010 at 10:42 am Miss Grace Says:

    Heather, I *really* want to go on a cruise with you.

  24. On May 14th, 2010 at 10:56 am katrina Says:

    Great post heather………i get ‘motion sickness’ in my bathtub sometimes……i need those patches!!!

  25. On May 14th, 2010 at 1:23 pm DG at Diaryofamadbathroom Says:

    Ahoy there! I hope that Aunt Becky is taking copious notes on the cruise ship. Any time you put lots of diverse strangers in a confined area, hilarity is bound to ensue.

    George Bush huh? Reminds me of the time I convinced my coworkers (at a bank) that I had dropped out of mortuary school to become a banker. I let them believe that for about a year before fessing up.

  26. On May 16th, 2010 at 3:45 pm britt Says:

    i’m not related to anyone famous, but i like drinking.

  27. On May 16th, 2010 at 5:29 pm mountainmomma18 Says:

    so it would be irresponsible to give this a try on dry land right?

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