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Crafting Is Bullshit – Or How I Want To Become Paula Deen

January23

I am not a crafty person.

“Crafting Is Bullshit – Or How I Want To Become Paula Deen”

On January 23rd, 2012 at 1:18 pm Mayor Gia Says:
Aww, I’m sure she’ll love it. What kid doesn’t love getting cracked out on sugar?
On January 23rd, 2012 at 2:12 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
Hrms. No one. Even I love the contact high I’m getting from the sugar dust.
On January 23rd, 2012 at 1:19 pm Gwen Says:
I love the idea of being crafty (ooh PLUSH NYAN CATS!) but the reality is always such an EPIC FAIL. Post photos of the party tho, your idea is awesomeness.
On January 23rd, 2012 at 2:12 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
Bwahahaha. I will. And you guys can openly mock them. I won’t mind.
On January 23rd, 2012 at 1:25 pm Tracie Says:
When you said “lolipop tree” to me last night…I had no clue it was this awesome. Because that lolipop tree is AWESOME! I need one for my house.

This party is shaping up to be mom of the year kind of huge.
On January 23rd, 2012 at 2:13 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
Ha. Thanks, girl. I may be deemed Worst Parent of the Year by anyone who attends, but you know. Who cares?
On January 23rd, 2012 at 1:28 pm Caro Says:
I’m thinking more along the lines of unicorn intestines when I look at the picture.
On January 23rd, 2012 at 2:13 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
Bwahahahahaha!
On January 23rd, 2012 at 1:33 pm Angela Says:
um…did you see my mod podge fail a/k/a clipboard makeover post?
i gave up on “themed” b-day parties a long time ago, mostly cuz i have boys and boys’ themes are stupid (fuckin power rangers). The little one’s b-day is end of may, his party is always what i call “classic birthday”–balloons in every primary color, streamers, confetti, and a big ass chocolate cake with 7-minute frosting. older kid’s is end of october, so he gets a “halloweenie roast” in our backyard and (if i’m feeling up to it) a graveyard cake.
On January 23rd, 2012 at 2:13 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
Require links to this awesome post.
On January 23rd, 2012 at 1:36 pm Sandy Says:
It’s always a win-win when you can get the kids cranked up on sugar and then send them home for their parents to deal with!

And the foot falling off? Sell it on ebay to pay for the prosthetic. You could even decorate it with glitter for the awesome effect.
On January 23rd, 2012 at 2:13 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
Thinking of serving mountain dew as a drink.
On January 23rd, 2012 at 1:39 pm Just Me Says:
Unicorn Poo would be the most awesome birthday theme ever.
On January 23rd, 2012 at 2:14 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
Imma do that for MY birthday this year. End of story!
On January 23rd, 2012 at 2:39 pm Just Me Says:
If you do, invite me. I would TOTALLY come. 🙂 Heck, I’d even bring Vodka.
On January 24th, 2012 at 11:51 am Your Aunt Becky Says:
Get yer ass to Chicago. let’s do this!
On January 23rd, 2012 at 1:40 pm Mrs. One Day Says:
So THAT is what the Fruit Loops were about. Now I can stop wondering if I need to be stringing them for something reason like Save the Tucans.

Anyway, the lollipop tree is adorable and you did a great job! Your post gave me a great idea too. Vodka pops! Lollipops infused with vodka or rum or whatever you like. What do you think?
On January 23rd, 2012 at 2:14 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
It would be a good idea to feed the kids off the ropes of cereal, right?
On January 23rd, 2012 at 3:19 pm Mrs. One Day Says:
Of course. Why stress about the food. That’s their parent’s problem. Hehehe,
On January 23rd, 2012 at 1:41 pm Suzy Voices Says:
There is actually a “recipe” for Unicorn Poop on Pinterest. Of course I can’t find it anymore dammit. It’s more turd-like, but quite colorful. Stick with the fruit loops.
On January 23rd, 2012 at 2:14 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
Now I must google it. HELP ME LORD!
On January 23rd, 2012 at 6:19 pm Melissa Says:
You can make unicorn poop with tootsie rolls, just put them in a pot of sprinkles.
On January 24th, 2012 at 11:51 am Your Aunt Becky Says:
I either swooned or barfed – not sure.
On January 23rd, 2012 at 1:44 pm Deb Menard Says:
“Then I had the brilliant idea to do a CandyLand themed birthday party. Seems simple right? A couple of bags of fucking candy WITH some pizza and beer.”

Wait a lollipop suckin minute here…..what happened to the VODKA?!?! You clearly said VODKA then switched to beer. I can’t go to parties of the Candyland or Sweet Shoppe varieties if there isn’t some VODKA within arms reach. Don’t do this dude…..think about the children. And the thirsty alcoholic adults.
On January 23rd, 2012 at 2:15 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
Oh, there will be vodka. LOTS of vodka.
On January 23rd, 2012 at 2:07 pm Frubs Says:
That is pretty hardcore right there :p

My mum used to do stuff like hang lollipops and other sweets from actual trees…so you’d have to find them/climb them to get at the sweets. (I think it was probably more small trees and bushes in retrospect, rather than giant conifers or anything.)

But – candy trees! Probably didn’t take many lollipops to do, and it got us outside 🙂

P.S

“I sure hope my kid appreciates her party. ”

You’ll feel like all your hard work is rewarded when the kids FREAK over that much candy on display ^^
On January 23rd, 2012 at 2:15 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
Oh, she’ll love it. And I’d LOVE to go outside for her party. Could REALLY help with the noise factor. Kids = noise. More kids = MOAR NOIZE.
On January 23rd, 2012 at 2:10 pm Colleen Says:
Yeah, I still think its a cute idea. Plus you can probably send all that extra candy home in “goody bags” (BARF) with all the kids!
On January 23rd, 2012 at 2:17 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
See? That’s what I’m thinking! I don’t need candy – it’ll look better on their asses than my own.
On January 23rd, 2012 at 2:27 pm Linda Sand Says:
Lollipops are way better than cigarettes any day! Love the tree and the necklace. The necklace made me think of those Smartee type ones we used to buy when I was a kid. Always have your treat right at hand when you are wearing it!
On January 24th, 2012 at 11:51 am Your Aunt Becky Says:
Remember those candy cigarettes? I thought i was SO COOL when I had some.
On February 4th, 2012 at 12:57 am Alexis Says:
My dad bought some of those candy cigarettes at some novelty store. I don’t know how cool they looked, but damn, they were tasty. If I had a choice between filet mignon and candy cigarettes, I’d choose the candy cigarettes any day of the week.
On January 23rd, 2012 at 3:08 pm thepsychobabble Says:
This is all awesome.
And I’m totally not letting my children see these photos. I know my limits, dammit.
On January 24th, 2012 at 11:52 am Your Aunt Becky Says:
Bwahahaha. Bring ’em on over!
On January 23rd, 2012 at 3:11 pm Brett Minor Says:
That looks amazing. It also looks like a lot of work.
On January 24th, 2012 at 11:54 am Your Aunt Becky Says:
It was a ridiculous amount of work. It’s also been pretty fun. But don’t tell anyone 😉
On January 23rd, 2012 at 3:26 pm ArykaNotErika Says:
I just assume that there will be vodka soaked gummi bears. Because, obviously. Right? Please don’t break my heartz.
On January 24th, 2012 at 11:53 am Your Aunt Becky Says:
I’m thinking that we’ll do skittles vodka. You in?
On January 26th, 2012 at 12:37 pm ArykaNotErika Says:
Like a hobo on a ham sammich – Im all over it.
On January 23rd, 2012 at 3:29 pm Ms Dreamer Says:
I loves the Unicorn Poo (course, Fruity Pebbles is the best. cereal. ever.). And I would be anal enough to separate the lollies into either color coded sections…or single flavour sections…like all the greens and browns would be on the bottom, and all the blues on top, and then I’d do a rainbow one; and then I’d see how many of them I could pull off the stick without breaking the lolly; and then maybe play a game of marbles with the stickless lollies.

Well, hell. I obviously don’t need a CandyLand themed party. The cupcakes for lunch dessert was enough to send me off the deep end.
On January 24th, 2012 at 11:54 am Your Aunt Becky Says:
You should get yer ass out here for it! And I think NOT separating the colors actually hurt everyone around me. Me, tho, I’m color blind.
On January 23rd, 2012 at 3:45 pm Jonah Gibson Says:
When I got down to the lolli topiary I’m pretty sure I lapsed into a diabetic coma. I woke up two hours later with a lime lifesaver stuck to my forehead and twelve snickers wrappers in my pocket.
On January 24th, 2012 at 11:55 am Your Aunt Becky Says:
Aw hell. You’re in a diabetic coma too.
On January 23rd, 2012 at 4:23 pm Andrea Says:
I love it, I love it all!!!!!!! Best of luck staying out of Molasses Swamp (no reason for me to remember that, none at all!)
On January 24th, 2012 at 11:55 am Your Aunt Becky Says:
Bwahahaha. I’d TOTALLY forgotten about that. I have NO idea why.
On January 23rd, 2012 at 4:39 pm DiatribesAndOvations Says:
OMG … I’ve got to learn to NEVER read your posts while enjoying the sweet nectar of Diet Coke. It burns. It burns, Aunt Becky, as it flows through my sinuses. It burns bad. Thanks for a much-needed burst of happy in my day!
On January 24th, 2012 at 11:56 am Your Aunt Becky Says:
Bwahahahaha. Thanks, my friend. Always happy to help you out with a little sinus clearing.
On January 23rd, 2012 at 4:40 pm Sue at Naperville Now Says:
not unicorn poo — Rainbow Brite poo. Whatzamattahu?
On January 24th, 2012 at 11:56 am Your Aunt Becky Says:
OMG. I *LOVED* Rainbow Brite.
On January 23rd, 2012 at 5:24 pm chrisinphx Says:
Holy Shit, when you said Lolipop topiaries I could just pictured it in mah head….and then I scrolled down! That Loli Tree is nothing short of TOTAL.WIN. !!!
I would be hella excitted to have one of those (made of only blow pops please) at my next birfday party (cough* April 27*cough) it doesnt matter than Ima be 34, do it?
On January 24th, 2012 at 11:56 am Your Aunt Becky Says:
I’ll come out and make you some!
On January 23rd, 2012 at 5:42 pm Rachel Says:
Unicorn shit looks yummy.
On January 24th, 2012 at 11:57 am Your Aunt Becky Says:
Right? Like, OOOO DELICIOUS POOO.
On January 23rd, 2012 at 6:33 pm Vickie Says:
Have you seen this place??? ZOMG!!

http://www.niftycandy.com/weirdcandy.html
On January 24th, 2012 at 11:57 am Your Aunt Becky Says:
Okay, I just squeed. That place RULES.
On January 23rd, 2012 at 6:46 pm Teala Says:
I think you’re pretty fucking crafty, AB. Those lollipop trees and Fruit Loop garlands look badass. I CAN’T FUCKING WAIT UNTIL FRIDAY!
On January 24th, 2012 at 11:58 am Your Aunt Becky Says:
Your ass is gonna have to help me PUT this shit places! Can you help me?
On January 26th, 2012 at 12:17 pm Teala Says:
Duh! I can totally help. The plan is to be there early to help and stuffs! 😀 <3
On January 23rd, 2012 at 7:55 pm Clip Snark Says:
My goal now is to find an excuse to make a lollipop topiary.
On January 24th, 2012 at 11:58 am Your Aunt Becky Says:
How about “it’s Tuesday?”
On January 23rd, 2012 at 8:22 pm Allison Says:
Oh wow, that topiary is just tempting me with it’s sugary deliciousness. Also i fail at crafting as well. Like seriously can’t walk into craft stores without getting a panic attack it’s bad. So super kudos to you for doing something hard and that you might not like for your darling daughter. I’m sure she will love it. Especially in ten years when she looks at the pictures. 😀
On January 24th, 2012 at 11:59 am Your Aunt Becky Says:
Me too! I thought I was the only one!
On January 23rd, 2012 at 8:48 pm Alexis Says:
When I was little I would have committed mayhem just to attend a Sweet Shoppe party, much less to have one help in my honor. This is a bettr idea than you think it is.
On January 24th, 2012 at 11:59 am Your Aunt Becky Says:
Okay, how do I get your ass out here for this?
On January 23rd, 2012 at 9:56 pm Weekly Joy Says:
You are Queen Frostine! The lollipop topiary is the cutest thing ever! And I agree about the vodka soaked gummi bears- I had them at my pigroast last year and they are total awesomeness! Although mine ended up more like gummy loaf- they melted all together afte a couple days of soaking. But we cut them and ate them up yum anyway and they were fantastic if not pretty!
On January 24th, 2012 at 12:00 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
I would SO be Queen Frostine. I love Frosting.

Also: that gummy loaf sounds frightening AND amazaballs.
On January 23rd, 2012 at 10:12 pm karen Says:
You know, I’ve (of course) looked at those candy tables at people’s weddings, birthdays, showers, baptisms, graduations, hairyeyeball events, and I think, WTF. Seriously, like WTFWTF.

Because really? These parties, these perfect settings have a fucktonne of candy in shiny vases and shit without any fingerprints from the mom who put them their after making some craft with gummybears, I mean how the fuck doesn’t she get fingerprints on everything.

And then. Don’t start me on the bunting, m’kay?

Just send those lollys home with everyone, after you wrap them in unicorn poop garlands and you will not lose a foot, nor will you have the world’s biggest sugar crashed kids. Oh, right, who am I kidding. No matter what, you SO WILL.

Happy Birthday Mimi!
On January 24th, 2012 at 12:01 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
Woah. What’s “bunting?” I’m scared now 🙂
On January 23rd, 2012 at 11:12 pm nellie vaughn Says:
This is why I don’t have children. Little turds would make me realize how stupid I am, and how super uncrafty I am. I would glue gun my way into depression.
Mummy, why is the sky blue?
Oh god, shut up.
Mummy, make me a Halloween costume.
Oh god, whyyyyyyyy!
On January 24th, 2012 at 12:01 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
Please be my BFF.
On January 24th, 2012 at 7:43 am Bestfoodies Says:
Laughing my hinny off…not even out of my jammies and thought i would stop by…started my day with a hoot!!! Unicorn poo…..hilarious….I might never eat another fruit loop!
On January 24th, 2012 at 12:01 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
Bwahahaha. Or colon. Could be unicorn colon.
On January 24th, 2012 at 8:17 am CathiC Says:
You’re licking the Fruit Loop dust off your new purple walls, right? RIGHT?
On January 24th, 2012 at 12:02 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
(duh)
On January 24th, 2012 at 8:19 am Melinda@LookWhatMomFoundandDadtoo! Says:
I’m sure it looks awesome and it’s going to be fun. Pinterest is putting so many people to shame so take take it personal
On January 24th, 2012 at 12:02 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
Bwahahaha. Yeah, it’s pretty incredible.
On January 24th, 2012 at 11:52 am Megan (Best of Fates) Says:
Would it be creepy to line my walls with fruit loops? ‘Cause I think that looks like the coolest unicorn poop ever. Also? That question is completely hypothetical, as I am far too lazy to ever actually make that garland.
On January 24th, 2012 at 12:03 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
I really think you should. Then take pictures. You can just go to the wall and eat. WIN!
On January 24th, 2012 at 12:18 pm Kristin Says:
You lying biotch. You’ve been hiding your crafty side all these years.

Love the topiaries.
On January 25th, 2012 at 8:20 am red Says:
She will love it! When she’s turning 30 she will be telling everyone about her awesomest party every on her 3rd birthday, and her AWESOME mom made lollipop trees and strung froot-loop garland, and the whole thing was kid-heaven!