Mommy Wants Vodka

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Color Me Fatty McBoob


Every now and again, when I duck into Mimi Maternity or Pea in a Pod I run into another pregnant lady (I know, who’d have thought it?). The sort of pregnant lady that makes me gnash my teeth and drool in her direction (she’s probably all, who let Crazy McFat Pants out of her cage?).

Because while I’ve looked about 6 months pregnant since day 4 or 5, my rolls getting rolls on top of even more love handles, my cellulite now covering me in some sort of bizarre pregnancy suit, my bra stretching and groaning uncomfortably against my saggy boobs, she serenely pats her tiny belly as she confides in the salesclerk that she’s due any day now.

I pray feverishly as I peer between the racks of clothing to find something that’s decidedly more flattering to the figure (what figure? I look like an olive on toothpicks) than what I’m wearing, that she’s about to divulge that this is her first baby or something, anything to make me feel better about myself and my ham-hock arms at 4 and a half months along, before she then mentions that this is her fifth baby.

She looks so put together, so firm and taut in her ass and thighs, obviously she hadn’t gained a pound over the recommended whatever it is you’re supposed to gain, while I? I look like I rolled out of bed, snapped on a bra, pulled my hair back and then went out in public. Which is precisely what I did.

And I am jealous. I’d love to be a svelte and sexy pregnant lady, gaining the tiniest amount of weight in my belly only rather than turning my ass into a shelf and my face into a moon pie. Ain’t gonna happen in THIS lifetime, sister.

When I had my first baby, I got hungry. I put my eatin’ pants on and I ate pretty much anything and everything I could get my grubby mitts on. I ate at least 2-3 times what I was supposed to eat, washing down every meal with a milkshake or three while I munched candy bars I hadn’t eaten in years.

Sure, I knew I was gaining weight, so I eventually just asked the nurse not to tell me what the scale said when I stepped onto it. There was no law saying I had to KNOW how fat I’d gotten, right? Besides, I’d just breastfeed it off later, I told myself.


Ben, who unbeknown to me at the time was autistic, refused to get anywhere near my massive mammeries once I popped him out, and after a spell of pumping he became a formula baby.

Fast forward 5 years. I’ve taken off the weight, however painfully, and am now pregnant with Alex. I have made precisely one promise to myself: I wasn’t going to become a fat ass when I got pregnant again.

Morning sickness, then hyperemesis struck, and even as I purged whatever molecules of food from my system, I watched horrified as the scale went up. Between 5-9 weeks, I gained 11 pounds. I ate nothing, threw up so hard that my nose was permanently bleeding and I gained weight.

Once I was able to hold down food again (around 18 weeks and 25 pounds heavier), I ate well. I ate so well that people couldn’t believe how fat I was getting. Egg whites, tofu, veggies, fruits. Small portions eaten often. And yet I found myself on the delivery table having gained 56 pounds. A mere 10 pounds lighter than when I’d had Ben.

(as an aside, it hurt me to no end that only The Daver believed me that I wasn’t secretly gorging upon hostess products and lard at night and while he was at work. Everyone else seemed to believe that I was lying for some reason, and was just ashamed of my weight gain. While I was TOTALLY ashamed, I’d never lie about something like that)

Oh well, I told myself, at least I’d breastfeed it off with this one. Alex was a champion nurser, nursed often and with gusto, and I knew I’d be back into my size 6’s in no time.

Go ahead, laugh away. I won’t blame you.

Turns out that no matter what LLL tells you, not EVERYONE loses weight while breastfeeding. Just wanted to be clear here, because I seriously wish like hell that anyone had told me this before I nearly killed myself trying to get this weight off.

So when I got pregnant with The Sausage, I made a vow to myself to eat what I want and enjoy it without feeling guilty about any weight gains I’ve had. My body does apparently like to pack on the pounds while pregnant, so why fight it? It’s not worth it to beat myself up over every single pound.

And so far? I’ve not gained an insane amount of weight for someone almost 18 weeks pregnant. Which shocks the shitballs out of me. Who knew that I just needed to let go and eat pretty much any and everything that I can find? My week’s menu reads just like the Very Hungry Caterpillar, and I’m loving every second of it.

Who the hell knew?

So dish. Tell me about YOUR pregnancy weight gain. Please tell me I’m not alone in reaching epic blimp-like proportions while pregnant. Or if I am, will you pass the ketchup and chocolate. Aunt Becky is ready for her 1st dinner.

53 Comments to

“Color Me Fatty McBoob”

  1. On September 3rd, 2008 at 3:30 pm Valerie Says:

    I gained only 23 pounds when I was pregnant, but I doubt I will get so lucky again!

  2. On September 3rd, 2008 at 3:33 pm birdpress Says:

    Well, I never had a baby, but I can promise you that if I ever DO, I will gain lots of weight, just for you! Actually, judging by my mom and my sister, and then also by my body’s natural talent for turning veggies and egg whites into body fat, I am sure to be a huge pregnant woman. If, that is, I am able ever to get pregnant in the first place. If not, I imagine I will be fat anyway, at some point, again, because right now I’m starving myself to fit into a size eight, and my body doesn’t like it.

  3. On September 3rd, 2008 at 3:35 pm Suz Says:

    37 lbs with the first, and 50 with the second! I always wished for that look too, just a belly bump. Alas, that was not to be. Also, my head got really big (at least to me).

    Lost the weight with the first one, but my youngest is now 6 and I’m still carrying the “baby” weight!

    p.s. This is my first time ever to comment on a blog. I’m shy that way 😉

  4. On September 3rd, 2008 at 4:01 pm Megan Says:

    Since this is my first baby, I don’t have any pregnancy-weight-gain horror stories to make you feel better. Nor have I gained a lot of weight yet. About 5 pounds and I’m 15 weeks. Sorry! But I will join you in the milkshake drinking and try to catch up. Yum………

  5. On September 3rd, 2008 at 4:01 pm tash Says:

    During Bella’s pregnancy? Fine. Perfect. Lost everything, lost final few AFTER ceasing bf’ing. (I think nature keeps a few extra ones on during bf’ing actually, in case you get stuck in the cave for a few days without a mammoth to eat. Just sayin’.)

    Looked great. Felt great.

    Maddy? Couldn’t exercise. Felt like shit. gained weight looking at food. gained 10 more pounds than I did with Bella.

    Am now, 18m later, 18 lbs overweight. And I look pregnant. It sucks. Hell, I’M jealous of those pregnant women you describe because they probably look better than ME. Yeesh.

  6. On September 3rd, 2008 at 4:07 pm Mrs.Spit Says:

    Well, I lost 15 pounds. Finally gained back 5. Then pre-e struck.

    Gained 30 pounds in 5 days. . . .

  7. On September 3rd, 2008 at 4:12 pm kbreints Says:

    well– I gained 30 with my first and took off 20 of it — then gained 20 and took off ten… you do the math– Damn those doctor’s for being right about keeping ten of each pregnancy! Damn Damn Damn

  8. On September 3rd, 2008 at 4:12 pm momumo Says:

    3 babies — all 15 months apart — delivered them all at a whopping 185 lbs — gained 55 with the first, 50 with the second, and 45 with the third — breastfeeding makes teenaged boys in taco bell who have to witness older siblings ripping the covert boob cover blanket away in order to speed trip to zoo lose weight — it does not help my fat ass dwindle in the least. My children are all teenagers now – I am still overweight and btw, I started my marriage at 110 lbs — I hope this man loves me as much more now as I’ve gained!

  9. On September 3rd, 2008 at 4:16 pm Ms. Moon Says:

    Oh, I got huge when I was pregnant. Especially with the third child who weighed in at over 10 pounds at birth. Yes. That was fun. But I always lost it all and am not a huge woman now.
    Enjoy eating. Take lots of walks. Be happy.

  10. On September 3rd, 2008 at 4:17 pm Kristen Says:

    This time I am living large, 40 pounds gained and holding. At least 15 of those pounds are in my face. ugh. I never lose any weight while breastfeeding. With my first and second, I continually gained until I weaned them. (LONG after)
    Damn hormones.

  11. On September 3rd, 2008 at 4:26 pm ilinap Says:

    This post spoke my language. I am a whopping 5 feet tall. I weighed about 100 pounds soaking wet before I was pregnant. Then I gained 45 pounds when I was pregnant with Bird. That’s almost HALF my body weight for those of you who are as bad at math as I am. I considered maternity pants to be buffet pants. Damn, wish I still had some. Anyway, I quickly lost the weight thanks to long, long walks. Then 13 months later I was pregnant again with Deal. 45 pound weight gain again. I’ve since lost it, but the elephant skin on my stomach won’t be seeing the light of day anymore. I also got permanent back fat. The good thing is my eyesight improved with each pregnancy so I don’t wear glasses anymore. Silver lining, right? Yeah, I’d honestly rather have the glasses and no back fat.

  12. On September 3rd, 2008 at 4:31 pm Rebel Says:

    40 here, and 35 of it is still hanging out on my right ass cheek… ok both cheeks, but that one looks bigger!!

    And my retarded ass is trying to get Pregnant again!! Think I can break 250 with this one??? Geez, I freaking hope not, there isn’t much self esttem left in me!!

    Hang in there, maybe this being so different means that the Sausage isn’t a sausage at all!!!!

  13. On September 3rd, 2008 at 4:47 pm bee Says:

    50+lb (I stopped counting after tipping the scales at 205lb) w/ Woggie. This time, w/ Bug, 32lb. Had not even lost Bug’s birth weight when I left the hospital. Now tell me how that happens?

  14. On September 3rd, 2008 at 4:49 pm sarah Says:

    I was a big gainer, too. # 1 – gained 65, # 2 – gained 60, #3 – gained 60. Managed to lose all the weight plus a few with #1 and #2, but it’s been only 3 months since my last baby and I still have 20 lbs to go from that one. This last kiddo is the first I have been able to breastfeed and I haven’t lost a bit of weight after the initial shedding of baby/water weight despite going to the gym 5 days a week. I tried cutting my calories to what the “experts” advise for breastfeeding for a week, but my breastmilk production went down and made a very unhappy baby. So I had to start eating more.

    Guess I’ll have to wait until breastfeeding is over until I seriously try to lose the last of the baby weight.

    And I also have the “elephant skin” on my flabby belly. My stretch marks are horrendous. We went to the beach on Labor Day and I was so jealous of all the moms who had nice smooth bellies. Sigh.

  15. On September 3rd, 2008 at 4:49 pm The Mommy Says:

    I gained 54 pounds with my first. And lost it all. I gained 42 pounds with my second. And lost it all. I only gained 35 pounds with my third, which was my only girl, so I’m going with the other commentor who said this one might not be a sausage after all. And I lost all of the baby weight. However. It took me a looong time and there was no way in holy hell I could get that last 5 (OK 10) pounds off while nursing. NO WAY! I am currently hold on for dear life to my size 6 (OK 8) self. I’m absolutely horrible at self-restraint (hence the 3 children:)).

  16. On September 3rd, 2008 at 4:50 pm The Mommy Says:

    WTF? That’s supposed to say size 8 not 8) I am so bad with computers…

  17. On September 3rd, 2008 at 4:51 pm Michelle Says:

    I only gained 5lbs the first 4 months, but as soon as I discovered I was pregnant, I gained weight the next day. I seriously was wearing my regular clothes, then the next day after the doctors appt, I had to go get maternity stuff. It was the happiest day in my life, considering I used to cry when I would pass Motherhood Maternity stores. Then I gained about 30 more lbs. Luckily 8lbs 9ozs was my daughter!
    Now my SIL was told by her Dr. that she must gain at least 18lbs-she gained 19-was back in pre-preg clothes in 3 weeks!

  18. On September 3rd, 2008 at 4:54 pm Badass Geek Says:

    Mmm… Moon pie.

  19. On September 3rd, 2008 at 4:55 pm Jamie Says:

    I totally hear you on the tiny pregnant ladies. It’s just not right. I gained 70 (that’s right SEVENTY) pounds with my son. I took a lot of walks during and ate whatever I wanted (why shouldn’t I have two lunches? I want chinese and mexican food right now = completely logical) I am 5’11” and weighed 230 at the time of delivery! I breastfed and took a lot of long walks, but honestly the weight didn’t come off til I went back to work 6 mos. later. It’s been 4 years now and I weigh less than I did before the pregnancy. I guess every body is different.

  20. On September 3rd, 2008 at 5:13 pm J Says:

    Gained 50 lbs with my first despite eating well. Lost over 50 lbs in the two weeks after I gave birth (HUH?). Found out afterwards that my mom got so swollen during pregnancy that even her nose gained weight so I guess that part is hereditary for me.

    After I lost all that weight, PPD struck (thank you Zoloft, for everything except the weight gain you caused), I had to go back to a busy job where I basically couldn’t get up from my desk during the day for six months – I’ve probably gained 15 lbs. if not more – afraid to get on scale. Now I’m freaking because I look like CRAP (cellulite, love handles, disgusting, had to buy new FAT clothes) and am four weeks pregnant with #2.


    Am I ready to gain all that weight again??? NOOOOO! But YESSSS on the baba. Excited about that. Very excited.

  21. On September 3rd, 2008 at 5:33 pm Cheryl Says:

    1st and only pregnancy. Age 38 at conception, 39 at birth (e.g. Advanced Maternal Age – oh, just suckit you arsehole doctors!). Was “overweight” when I got pregnant so was told to gain no more than 45 pounds. I gained 46.

    I ate pretty much whatever I wanted, but really only *craved* three things (which I ate w/ utter abandonment); Fruit, Sushi and Mexican Food. The first two, not so bad. The last one, errrr… well, all I can tell you is that my now very healthy 26 month old LOVES fruit and Mexican Food. LOL.

    Lost all 46 pounds within 6 months of baby being born. I didn’t do anything special, just ate normal, walked when I could. Since I wasn’t able to breastfeed (after a month of trying like hell), I can’t attest to how well that works, or doesn’t.

    But here’s the “messed up” thing. In the past year, I’ve gained all that 46 pounds back! I’m chasing after a toddler, but somehow I’m fat as a barn. The only thing I can attribute that to is that she is a picky eater & oftentimes doesn’t eat all her dinner, and since I’m a 41 year old Mama that hates to see perfectly good food go to waste, I’m often eating HER dinner as well as mine.


    All I can tell ya mama… is your body knows what you need. And for my friends who have more than one child, they all say each pregnancy was DIFFERENT, though in general they gained more w/ each pregnancy – or at least the weight seemed to come on sooner.

    I’m SURE you’re beautiful regardless. Even if you don’t believe that. And besides, that skinny bitch at Baby Style w/ 5 children? She is a freak of nature and should be shot. Just kidding. Sort of.


  22. On September 3rd, 2008 at 5:49 pm Emily R Says:

    Not catsup with chocolate, right?

    I am lucky that my cravings are largely fruit, although there is an ice cream and peanut butter issue going on. But, this third pregnancy I feel like I have put on as much weight on my backside as I did on the front.

  23. On September 3rd, 2008 at 6:00 pm foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog) Says:

    I worked out like a mofo during my first pregnancy. My husband would come home and find me hoisting myself and my big old pregnancy belly up and down while doing a step aerobics workout. Doing that kept my weight down, so I can’t even recall what I gained during that effort. It also meant the baby pretty much flew right out of me without a lot of effort when he finally showed up 11 days late.

    I was pretty proud of myself. I was reasonably fit and healthy after delivery. Then a few weeks later, post partem depression hit me hard. I would cry. Then eat. Then cry because I was eating. Over and over and over again. I gained a lot of weight, worked at getting it off half-heartedly, got pregnant again. Lost that baby. Ate some more. Cried some more. Ate and cried some more. Gained some more weight. Got pregnant. Gained. Gained. Gained. Got the doctor lecture. Would leave and cry and eat and cry and eat. When this son was born, I have no idea what I weighed, but it was ugly, I know that. I got diagosed with depression and hypothyroidism. Medicated. Tried to not eat nor cry. Some days worked better than others.

    I’m probably still wearing some of the last pregnancy, several years later, but I am not the same as I was then. It does seem like getting it off and such is far, far harder than the work of actually growing a baby, though!

  24. On September 3rd, 2008 at 6:03 pm baseballmom Says:

    God, I so hear you on those little tiny pregnant chicks. They’re the same ones that can afford Petunia Picklebottom diaper bags and McLaren strollers. They also probably have no drugs at birth and fart flowers. I gained 15 with T, and lost 25 after, because I was already overweight, and was scared into submission by the dr. I gained 13 with Alex, BUT had an 8 lb. cyst removed also, so I lost quite a bit. It’s all back, with interest, though…and the big problem is that everything has just gone SOUTH. The saggage is horrific.

  25. On September 3rd, 2008 at 6:12 pm insane mama Says:

    I gained 60 POUNDS with my first and barely anything with the others… Go figure. I’m adding you to my blogroll now, I thought I already did, but I guess I didn’t

  26. On September 3rd, 2008 at 6:19 pm Jenn Says:

    I gained 59 pounds when I was pregnant with Monkey and 56 when I was pregnant with Boo. I kept on 10 from each pregnancy (and even though I was technically underweight to begin with and I am at “just the right weight” now – it doesn’t make me feel much better about it, BLAH). When I was pregnant with Monkey my doctor was a complete and total BITCH about my weight gain. She kept telling me to eat healthy and not so much and I was barely eating at all by the end because she was making me feel so horrible! I spent SO MANY nights in tears because she made me feel so bad. So when I was pregnant with Boo and she started in on the weight thing I got pissy and yelled at her and she never mentioned it again, haha. Most of that weight went to my ass – none to my boobage (much to Kent’s disappointment) – and stayed there. My waist is about the same size but my ass is gigantimongous, haha. Oh well! The kids are worth it. Most of the time. 🙂

  27. On September 3rd, 2008 at 6:24 pm Tiffany @ My Random Wisdom Says:

    I walked everyday, to work, while pregnant w/ my oldest…I still gained 30 lbs, after I lost 6 for being so sick..
    of course, I am erm; fluffy, to being I was starting w/ extra

    it *could* have been the BK whoppers I craved, and ATE during my last month of work.
    and I mean every day. a few times, twice a day…

    I’m not a delicate little flower to begin being pregnant, did not help..

    eat, be merry, and worry about the weight later..
    and learn some Italian evil eye gestures for the skinny little preggos 😉

  28. On September 3rd, 2008 at 6:43 pm Stacey Says:

    #1 – I lost 10lbs in the first 20 weeks, then gained it and another 22llbs in the second 20 weeks – Went from 140lbs to 162lbs. Lost it all within 2 weeks of giving birth & then put 10lbs back on while breastfeeding for 4 months.

    #2 – Pretty much the exact same pattern except I started at 150lbs & went to 172lbs. Lost it all plus 5lbs within 2 weeks of giving birth. Had gall bladder problems from all the sudden weight loss, had to have gall bladder out at 6 weeks postpartum. Gained back 15lbs while breastfeeding for a year. Apparently breastfeeding gives me the munchies.

    #2 is 4.5 years old, I am hovering right around 150lbs. It’s not the baby weight that is my problem. It’s the breastfeeding weight.
    Anytime someone says they will ‘lose the weight while breastfeeding’ I can’t stop giggling to myself. 🙂

  29. On September 3rd, 2008 at 6:46 pm Stefanie Says:

    Hey Beck,

    I gained 50-60 with Elbs despite working out. Then I lost it all but it took 16 months. With the twins i think I gained 50 or so pounds but there was only 6 pounds of baby in there between them. I still haven’t lost it and they’re 9 months. Can’t say I ate well during either pregnancy and can’t say I eat well now but I try. Who the hell cares anyway? I looked like a big hot mess pregnant and never had a beach ball belly just looked like a fat trucker lady.

  30. On September 3rd, 2008 at 6:50 pm Maria Says:

    I went from 125 to 175 with the chipmunk. I have skinny T-Rex arms and my belly stays all pert and tiny while my ass and thighs go FUCKING CRAZY as if I’m carrying extra babies in there and they’re living on cellulite alone. It’s great times.

  31. On September 3rd, 2008 at 7:10 pm heather Says:

    Well, this is the part where I remind you I wasn’t pregnant for long, so don’t get mad. I gained about 15 pounds. But I also lost NO WEIGHT breast feeding. In fact, I gained weight. So that was awesome. NOT.

  32. On September 3rd, 2008 at 7:18 pm BB Says:

    With my first 1st, 3rd & 4th pregnancies, I gained between 60 and 65 lbs, and I kept about 10 lbs from each of those (plus 10 lbs from my second pregnancy, which is the one I lost). With my 5th (and final) pregnancy, I was extremely sick the whole time, and I still gained 35 lbs, but I lost it all and then some because what the doctors assured me was just morning sickness, lasted for another 18 months after birth. Now, that I can eat again, I am happily putting weight back on, and for now, I don’t care what the scale says.

  33. On September 3rd, 2008 at 8:13 pm Heather Says:

    With the first, I gained about 50 (thank you preeclampsia for all of your blessings, not the least of which is water weight out the ass) and a good portion was fat. Two weeks postpartum, I was still 20 lbs heavier. It took another 2 long years to lose another ten.

    I got pregnant with Beans 10 lbs heavier (a size 8), and somehow managed to only gain 25 lbs. Since then, I’ve managed to knock off her weight gain plus the extra from the first and some change. Gearing up for numero tres, I suppose. Rollercoaster anyone?

    I’m 5’2, so I look like I’m living large from about month two onward. I had people’s eyes bulging when I was four months telling them I had another four or five to go.

  34. On September 3rd, 2008 at 9:23 pm swirl girl Says:

    I gained 65 lbs with the first kid . My B+ and 1/2 boobs ballooned up like the Hindenberg. I actually slammed the car door on them once…that was pretty.

    The second one, I gained about 30 lbs. I had her at 41, so I didn’t really give a shit at that point.

    At my age, I never was a size 6 – so I never will be…so be it. I secretly (well, not so secretly) hate those preggos in bikinis and juicy couture sweats …

    After 45- it’s all downhill anyway.

  35. On September 3rd, 2008 at 9:32 pm Lisa Milton Says:

    I was so very large, especially with my first one, when I drank whole milk and adored looking the part.

    And then near the end, my ankles, hands and face swelled up so much I gained 7 pounds in one week.

    Edema sucks ass.

    (I didn’t do pregnancy well, so what do I know? Hope you are managing better than I did.)

  36. On September 3rd, 2008 at 9:56 pm Kyddryn Says:

    Oh, dear – please don’t throw a lard-log at me, but…I lost weight. Fifty pounds.

    In part, it was the fact that I had to severely regulate what I ate or end up with a malformed kid – high blood sugars do terrible things to a foetus.

    In part, it was the exploding appendix, which sent me to the ER after three days of intense…discomfort…for hours of testing that left the crew baffled and meant an exploratory laparosomethingoranother, which finally let them see the exploded appendix all over my innards and meant a week of recovery with…ugh…hospital food! Oh, and almost no pain meds because I didn’t want my baby to be affected. Bastards didn’t tell me the meds wouldn’t hurt the kid.

    I did balloon up at the end – the kid was over ten pounds and over twenty-one inches long (but not fat…he was actually skinny when he came out…eek!)(I didn’t have a baby – I had a toddler!) and I had about twice the usual amniotic fun happening. Heh…I lost thirty pounds just having the wee lad!

    No worries, though – I packed it all back on when post-partum force me (at gunpoint, I swear) to eat two or three Whitman’s sampler boxes (the one pound ones) a week, along with chips, thousands of Rollos a day, and buttered butter for snacks between gorging.

    I bet you’re beautiful.

    Shade and Sweetwater,

  37. On September 3rd, 2008 at 9:59 pm Lola Says:

    Well, hate me if you must, but I lost seven pounds in the first three months and only gained a total of 20 the whole time. I lost it in two weeks while breastfeeding. Sorry.

    My only craving was watermelon, and that just makes you pee away the water weight. The doctors were flipping out, but I just couldn’t eat much more than before I was pregnant. My stomach felt full all the time. It was full of baby. He came out at 7.11, 23″ long.

    I didn’t have one of those cute little bellies, though. Mine was kind of all around the sides and into my back. If it makes you feel better, I had to be put on bed rest and had a terrible delivery, and my kid screamed for four months straight.

  38. On September 3rd, 2008 at 10:41 pm karmental Says:

    I gained 50 lbs with my first son and 30 with my second.
    I know that sounds like it’s within a normal range, but my kids are ADOPTED. When you have a 13 month gestation period, things can get ugly. I’ve got stretch marks and long saggy boobs to prove it.
    And no, I didn’t nurse them.

  39. On September 3rd, 2008 at 10:43 pm karmental Says:

    I just realized that I should count myself lucky that my cootch didn’t split wide open and require a sympathy episiotomy after the ordeal.

  40. On September 3rd, 2008 at 11:35 pm rayne of terror Says:

    70+ and breastfeeding for 18 months didn’t take of any weight.

    ANYWAY, want to come down to Springfield on Sept 13th for a tourism day bought and paid for by the state? I gots connections, babe.

  41. On September 4th, 2008 at 12:35 am Melissa Says:

    I am sick my ENTIRE pregnancies. I am sure if I wasn’t, I would gain more wait – Look at me..hello, have we met? Even not gaining more than 30 lbs for each pregnancy, I still have all that weight and more to lose. I hate those skinny bitches. Every one of them. I have a cousin that leaves the hospital in her size 3 jeans. I hate her.

    You enjoy every last chocolate morsel – eat even more for me. And when you are done, the Sausage is here safe and sound and we are both one of those skinny bitches, we are meeting in Vegas, baby!

  42. On September 4th, 2008 at 2:40 am Sarah Says:

    With the first little crackbaby, I was pg EVERYWHERE. My hair was pregnant. My toenails. I gained 40 pounds in a very head-to-toe way. I was generally shocked and appalled because no one had ever told me that being pregnant would suck large quantities of ass, all while blowing those quantities right back at you. Or that kicking babies can HURT you!! Crazy little girl!! BUT… I was also riding around with my husband in his Freightliner for six months, sitting on my ample booty the whole time. Eating out all the time.

    I, too, believed the “breastfeeding will help you lose the weight” lie. But Caitlin was not terribly interested in my boobs, as insignificant as they were, and whenever she latched on, it was a lot like someone was ramming a large knitting needle right through my nipple and out my back. So we both suffered with motivational issues regarding nursing. We gave up completely when she was six months old. She just said NO that day.

    By the time she was 9 months old, I was very pleased with my body. Despite the stretchmarks – which were fairly mild – covering my ass and thighs, by tummy was untouched and looked quite adorable. Apparently, my husband agreed, because I got pregnant about a week later. Seemed like the thing to do at the time, you know?

    But one of the other things I didn’t put the effort into figuring out was that the reason my tummy held up so well was because of the rockstar, rockHARD abs I’d had pre-baby. My booty and thighs were always ample, but my tummy could’ve kicked your ass!! So that explains the lack of stretchmarks AND the sense that I was pg everywhere.. my tummy held it all in so it ooozed from all pores, I suppose. Getting pg again as a mother of a 9 month old did not give me time (nor had I had the inclination) to rebuild that belly. Which brings us to Jack…

    …the first six weeks went quite well, then the hyper-emesis struck. I lost weight. Eating McDonald’s cheeseburgers, Taco Bell Stuft Steak Burritos, and ramen noodles. They were the only things I could keep down for any amount of time. I felt horribly guilty about eating such crap, so I added vegetables to my ramen noodles, and spewed them all over that toilet. I could keep down some Ovaltine as well. Close as I could get to a damn prenatal anything. Then at 18ish wks, someone flipped a switch, and I could eat anything again. Yay! But I was skin and bones… still weighed plenty, but looked incredibly silly. Bony with this bizarre lump on my belly that was hanging down between my knees because my abs were trashed. I was due in July, and people were asking me “Any day now?” in early April. I looked like Jack had “dropped” from March on… I don’t know how my back survived it!! It was like a broomstick swallowed a basketball, so not even a little bit sexy, just to clarify. My hubby would back me up on that! Still managed to gain an even 40 lbs though, between 18-40 wks! Jack was a championship milk monster, but I didn’t lose anything fast. I agree that breastfeeding keeps a few pounds around. I lost a lot more weight when he weaned at 18 months. But the loss of the bf’ing hormones sent me into a tailspin emotionally and the depression brought me to the decision that DAMNIT, I was going to eat whatever the hell I wanted and my ass could just take it! BWaha! Boy did it ever. I gained a good 25 pounds over the next year, and got as big as I’d ever been. I’m just NOW, in the past month, (4 years later) down to my pre-Jack weight. And I’m still wanting and hoping for another round.

    I think the skinny pg girls are either (bless your pointed little bellies) hyperthyroid OR informed about that whole “rebuild your belly between babies” thing. Or just way genetically blessed. I have two friends who both have six kids… one still looks like she looked when we met in high school. The other still looks like she did when we met 4 years ago – pregnant.

    I’d like to add that while I never took drugs during delivery (I don’t mean to brag, it’s just that getting babies out of me is damn near the only thing I do BRILLIANTLY in this life!!) I for DAMN SURE do not fart flowers. All in attendance of my deliveries can assure you of this. 😀

  43. On September 4th, 2008 at 7:20 am Mare Says:

    Shhhh, dont tell any body *whispering* 72lbs with E. I did go back to a six though. Sadly Infertility has put just about as much on as a pregnancy and I have heard breast feeding is not an option. Oh well, I think I will have a butterfinger for breakfast.

  44. On September 4th, 2008 at 7:22 am Edward Says:

    Oh you are not alone Ms Fatty McBoob you! I averaged $75 lbs for #1-3. 50 lbs for #4. #5 was not too bad for me at 40 lbs and then ya la….#6 I hit the jackbpot and only gained 35 lbs….but that was because I had a tummy tuck after #4 and did not want to ruin it. So I had no choice but eat very very lightly or end up with a belly sag after we spent $6K on my nice new flat tummy.

    Did I ever tell yu the best remedy for morning sickness for me was chips and dip! Yeah talk about ass, face, boob, leg and arm padding!

    Don’t beat yourself up…all the books saying 27 lbs is the normal are lying…LYING I am sure of it!

    Enjoy your food. Nothing is better than food and sex during pregnancy. You know men have it good all the time right? Yeah food and sex are really good on the testosterone. It’s like when your pregnant excpet no weight gain lol!

  45. On September 4th, 2008 at 7:58 am Mumma Boo Says:

    I’m 5’0″, so pretty much after 8 weeks I looked like I was ready to pop. I gained a whopping 80 pounds with Cheeks, and literally pissed 50 of it away within 24 hours after taking a diuretic because my body just wouldn’t let the water go (thank you pre-eclampsia). The other 30 stayed on and then I added another 20 with Cenzo. The 20 have gone, but those frickin’ 30 are still there. Heck, if I can get back into a size 8 before the kids graduate high school, I’ll be happy.

    So, eat and enjoy, my friend. It’s all relative – if you’re feeling healthy, not puking your brains out, and are happy, then relax. As for the skinny little pregos – it’s the crack that keeps them skinny. 🙂

  46. On September 4th, 2008 at 8:28 am Kristine Says:

    I gained about 40 lbs. I ate a bagel every morning around 4am, then breakfast at about 8 am, then lunch, then a milkshake or something on the way home from work, then dinner, then a snack at night. I’m surprised I didn’t gain 100 lbs.

    I also did not lose much weight breastfeeding, but as soon as I started to wean him (i.e. no more pumping) the weight started to fall off…possibly because I wasn’t eating everything in sight (breastfeeding made me 3 times as hungry as I was when pregnant.)

  47. On September 4th, 2008 at 9:51 am Collette Says:

    I gained so much weight with my daughter. I was still 60 lbs over my pre pregnancy weight when I left the hospital. It was so depressing. I went back to school to finish my degree when she was 6 months old and decided to take a fitness class. I figured since it was being graded I would try harder. I lost all the weight plus more. I was in a size 2!

    When I got pregnant with my second (one week after buying those size 2 jeans. I was pissed!) I didn’t gain much weight. I lived on chocolate milk and zone bars. They were the only things that didn’t make me sick. One week after giving birth I was in a size 4. But don’t hate me too much, I am a good 25 lbs heavier now than I was when he was born. Maybe I’ll take that fitness class again.

  48. On September 4th, 2008 at 10:39 am Karen Says:

    I can talk about weight gain, but sadly I have no bundle of joy to blame for it. I am just a fat-ass on my own.

  49. On September 4th, 2008 at 3:14 pm Kelly Says:

    Wow–this so strikes home! Gained 40ish with my first–breastfed him for 18 months and still couldn’t lose the weight. Did WW and got down to my goal (still 20 pounds over my marriage weight), and promptly got pregnant. Only gained 24 pounds with that one (and the baby weighed almost 10!). Again, nursed for 22 months and GAINED weight. Um, yeah, what???? Then with my last one, still not anywhere near my goal weight when I got preggers, gained about 30 pounds and I swear, two years later, I still cannot lose the weight! (even after nursing that one for 16 months!)

  50. On September 4th, 2008 at 3:32 pm Andee Says:

    I had to eat chocolate every day while I was pregnant. Every day, otherwise I would cry. And cry, and cry. So, here’s to passing the chocolate and the ketchup!

  51. On September 4th, 2008 at 4:44 pm gingermagnolia Says:

    With both of my J’s, I gained about 50 lbs. I didn’t lose it right away, but by about a year, I was back to normal weight with the first one. I think after the second one, I lost the weight faster and even ended up lighter than before I was pregnant. Not sure, since I never kept a scale in the house.

    I was living the good life in a size 6. Alas, when Little J was about 5 years old, I had to take round after round of steroids for about 6 months and gained 30 lbs. Now I was a size 12/14! I kept that weight for a year or two, and then the divorce diet made me slim again. I’m now a size 10. The steroids completely changed the way my face and body looked, though. I know have back fat and a squishy belly and a permanent double chin. Wah. I’ve gained back about 10 lbs. or so since everything calmed down (relatively) with the divorce, but according to Honeywine, that’s a good thing.

  52. On September 5th, 2008 at 4:10 pm Nessykins Says:

    I’m 16 weeks pregnant and my sister said I don’t look pregnant…I just look fat…

  53. On September 6th, 2008 at 11:12 am DD Says:

    It’s not so much the weight gain that killed me the 2nd time around (23lbs with first/ 40lbs with second). It’s the weird jelly roll I now have between my pubic bone and belly button that concerns me. I’m afraid sit-ups will make it even more prominant. Gotta love the granny panties that offer some control.

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