Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Chalk It Up To Another Thing I Never Thought I’d Do


Having been on a diet more or less since Ben was about two (and I had to lose those pesky baby pounds, erm, TWO YEARS after he was born) has it’s perks. You get very accustomed to having to deny yourself those tasty and delicious morsels of goodness known as non-diet food. And if you’re me, you eventually just don’t care anymore about eating junk food and it becomes your way of life to eat more chicken and tofu than God.

The Daver, however, has never had to indulge in any sort of diet. He’s pin-thin and can tuck away a couple of Quarter Pounders (with Cheese!) with nary an ill effect (whereas I get fatter just typing these words).

Until now.

My poor sweet, junk food loving husband has got to go on a diet. A new, special low-cholesterol diet.

I’d been waiting for this day, you see, because as I dieted those pounds off, marveling at every (pathetic) loss like it was a shiny new $100 bill, he merrily ate his way through a bag of chips or thirteen. My chicken suddenly looked less appealing than his fatty cheeseburger and fries, and I’ll admit freely that I was a mite bit jealous. Who wouldn’t be?

I plotted and waited until the metabolism that he was given ran out and suddenly HE would pack on the pounds and look for new (and tasteless!) tofu recipes right along side his doting wife. I planned on rubbing it in at every possible turn (silently or likely not), relishing each and every low fat meal he ate as payback for his formerly glorious metabolism.

Until earlier this week, when he got that dreaded phone call from his doctors office, wherein he was instructed that his LDL (lousy density lipoprotiens) levels were insanely high. Suddenly, I wasn’t laughing anymore, and I was struck with an emotion that I almost never feel: pity.

I feel genuinely badly that he has to now embark on a sad new diet, and extremely sorry for myself that I will inevitably have to follow it as well (collective EW! from the Internets, please).

Anyone have any good advice for us? The Internet is smarter than I’ll ever be (sexier too!) and I could use a hand here.

19 Comments to

“Chalk It Up To Another Thing I Never Thought I’d Do”

  1. On March 21st, 2008 at 11:55 am kbreints Says:

    I think that phine call is the reason my husband just does not go to the doctor. No on is oging to tell him he CAN’T eat those chips! by the bag!

    Happy Easter– enjoy that salt free ham- Blech.

  2. On March 21st, 2008 at 12:38 pm Kim Says:

    It sounds trite, but oatmeal. Old Fashioned Quaker Oats, each day for breakfast. And since weight is not an issue for the Daver, he can put brown suger and maple syrup in it….so it tastes like something.

    My dad did it for 6 months and it lowered his so much,he did NOT have to go on prescription meds for it.

    best of luck, and enjoy Easter…

  3. On March 21st, 2008 at 2:36 pm Chris Says:

    Yeah, that’s a hard one. He is really just going to have to accept that he needs to seriously clean up his eating habits. And yeah, it’s hard at first, but make sure to get your friends on board when you go out to eat, and make sure he starts BRINGING his lunch (instead of buying it), and set up a rewards system with him (if he sticks to his diet for 3 weeks, he can get McDonalds). But don’t let him lose any more weight. We won’t be able to see him when he turns sideways.

  4. On March 21st, 2008 at 3:15 pm Ames Says:

    My husband recently had the same thing happen and we are now following a low cholesterol diet as well. I found a few great cookbooks that are working well for us. I’ll email you the details when I get home (I would put the titles here if i could remember them…I am still hoping that someday the brain cells I lost during pregnancy might come back…I won’t hold my breath though)

  5. On March 21st, 2008 at 3:45 pm kalakly Says:

    Okay, now you can really love me:)

    Red wine and Chocolate, say hello to your new best friends!!
    Read on:


  6. On March 21st, 2008 at 5:43 pm magpie Says:

    i think the inability to follow diets is the reason that both me and my husband are on statins.

  7. On March 21st, 2008 at 8:12 pm LAS Says:

    Exercise – does he exercise? I have low cholesterol anyway, and I tend to eat healthy for the most part, however, mere exercise (walking several miles regularly for about 5 months) lowered it even more and pretty significantly.

  8. On March 21st, 2008 at 8:38 pm Judy Says:

    Sour creme will become a distant memory for him but if you
    substitute Fage Non-fat Yogurt (available at Trader Joe’s or Whole Foods) he will never miss it.

    Becky – it is SNOWING again – please make it stop!

  9. On March 21st, 2008 at 9:13 pm Dolores Schwartz Says:

    Becky… When you can come up with a good diet let me
    Honey has packed on some weight too! And I mean it seems like it’s from one to day to the next! Honey much like your Daver could eat anything! Not anymore! So, let me know if you guys find a wonderful solution…

    I am still about 75 pounds overweight… and miserable. ( TWINS ) will do that… I think I am going to FINALLY stick to weight watchers… AGAIN! Wish me luck… GRR

  10. On March 21st, 2008 at 9:58 pm b Says:

    Poor Daver! My metabolism crapped out on me at about age 28. Give him time to mourn.

  11. On March 21st, 2008 at 10:31 pm Don Mills Diva Says:

    You are way nicer than I am. I too have a hubby who is naturally thin and has no concept of dieting – if he suddenly had to I would gloat myself silly!

  12. On March 21st, 2008 at 10:46 pm Kristen Says:

    I feel sorry for him too, but only cuz it is his health. You are a good wife for trying to do it with him and help him with it.

  13. On March 21st, 2008 at 10:50 pm Heather P. Says:

    Becky, look for some Niacin. Those statin pills prescribed by the doctors will leave the cholestrol in the veins, while the Niacin will remove it from the body, and it doesn’t make your hair fall out.

  14. On March 22nd, 2008 at 1:39 am Patty Says:

    Don’t feel sorry for him or you. Every day is a gift even if it means you have to eat crappy food. It is wonderful that modern medicine is able to discover these problems before it is too late.

    After rereading what I wrote I know it sounds harsh, but damnit look outside! It is freakin’ WHITE! I’m crabby and pissed and I’m going to go mope now.

    Thank you for reading my blog and leaving comments. They are always appreciated. Love reading yours as well. Have a happy Easter.

  15. On March 22nd, 2008 at 7:15 am Jenn Says:

    I almost wish we HAD to be on a diet here. At least then I’d be able to stick to one!

  16. On March 22nd, 2008 at 10:08 am Amy Says:

    No advice just adding the EWWW! I never pay attention to all those pesky tests unless someone points it out to me. I do believe anything with wine and chocolate should be good (Kalakly) but I think I will stick with the whine and cheese!

  17. On March 22nd, 2008 at 2:04 pm tryingin2007 Says:

    my DH (b) eats nothing but burger king and wendys these days and I STILL weigh more than him. I do worry about his cholesterol though. I just got him started on vitamins again but he cannot exist on triple layer cheese burgers and coffee alone. I do know that exercise is key. yeah, right. that’s not going to happen anytime soon. 🙁

  18. On March 24th, 2008 at 12:31 pm theramblinghousewife Says:

    Oh no! I’m sorry to hear that!

    We need to really get ours checked!

    I can’t remember the last time we had that done . . .

    Thanks for the reminder, Aunt Becky!

  19. On March 25th, 2008 at 9:25 am Al Says:

    Get a second test before you bother to make any radical changes. Em once wasted six months eating salad after an inaccurate cholesterol test.

Email will not be published

Website example

Your Comment:

My site was nominated for Best Humor Blog!
My site was nominated for Hottest Mommy Blogger!
Back By Popular Demand...