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Can’t Sleep, Gotta Purge


Okay, so the title is a bit of a lie: I totally can sleep. Not, of course, as well as I could if I were to say, pop a couple of Ambien, but I consider any sleeping at night in my 33rd week to be a huge coup. (As a not so aside, aside, let me give a brief but forceful shout out to Benedryl. Thanks for being there for me, man.).

But it does appear, sleeping or not, that all of my thwarted and aborted previous attempts at nesting have come back and bitten me in the butt. So now, rather than just hurry up and order the damn swing that for some reason I haven’t ordered (and is subsequently driving me wild), I’m doing a complete and utter purge of my house.

This is also brought on by the upcoming Christmas holiday in which my children, the youngest on all sides of the family next to The Daver and I, our children tend to be indulged to the nth degree each and every holiday. Any attempts at dissuading people to spend their money elsewhere tend to go unheard, so many of these toys go directly to people in need, without being opened by my children’s grubby paws.

Now, since I’m no packrat and I tend to purge my house every couple of months or so, this is less an easy task than you’d think. But surprisingly, I’ve found a huge amount of things that the Salvation Army will be inheriting just as soon as I shove it all into my car and drive it over to the center.

Before you go (rightly) all environmental on me, trust me when I tell you that I’ve significantly reduced the amount of impulse crap that I buy. Another sign that I know I’m getting all geriatric on you is that I can actually say (and mean) that Less IS More. Unless it comes to either diamonds or sparkly stuff. Then More is Golden.

I’m not really sure how the impending arrival of Baby Sausage translates in my hormonally addled brain to the necessity of removing all old socks and underwear from my house (I mean, is she going to come home and immediately turn up her nose at my slovenly house-keeping abilities? Because if she is, SHE CAN TOTALLY CLEAN IT UP HERSELF), but I guess I’m not one to question nature. I’ve not nested like this before, but I can totally assure you that is more rewarding than a deep dish pizza OR a killer orgasm (or both, in whatever order you like).

And I’m pretty convinced that I am powerless to stop. Completely powerless over my urge to purge. How am I so sure? If I could, I would happily come over to YOUR house and do the same thing for you. FOR FREE. Insane? Yes. Hormonal? Totally. Completely happy stewing in my hormone stew? 100%.


Are you a purger or a hoarder? I’m dying to know what The Internet thinks.

51 Comments to

“Can’t Sleep, Gotta Purge”

  1. On December 15th, 2008 at 2:35 pm kalakly Says:

    I hoard until it becomes absolutely necessary to purge and then I usually end up throwing something vital away that I have to pay to have replaced…it’s a vicious cycle. I suck at both.

  2. On December 15th, 2008 at 2:43 pm heather Says:

    Purge! Purge! Purge!

  3. On December 15th, 2008 at 2:48 pm Redneck Mommy Says:

    Total purger.

    And when I nested (and boy did I nest) I was a Nazi about house keeping too.

    Sigh. Those were the good old days.

    Now I’m a sloth and I’m okay with that.


  4. On December 15th, 2008 at 2:58 pm Sillycakes Says:

    Purger, but my husband is more of a hoarder. It. Gets. Ugly.

  5. On December 15th, 2008 at 3:01 pm Rachel Says:

    At home I hoard, at work I purge. It’s an interesting study in contrast.

    I say get the swing you can plug in, those damn batteries always die at when the kid is screaming.

  6. On December 15th, 2008 at 3:02 pm kbrients Says:

    I am both. There are some things that I cannot part with… until I have kept them for 10 years and never looked at them until I am purging them.

    But I have to say that I LOVE the purge… it is my new favorite hobby!

  7. On December 15th, 2008 at 3:07 pm Ms. Moon Says:

    The older I get, the more I purge.
    And I believe your nesting/purge instinct is a good one and probably serves an evolutionary purpose, perhaps stemming from the need to create a relatively clean environment for a new baby. I doubt your “stuff” is germ-ridden, but in caveman days, the stuff might have been. Old bones and animal skins hanging out in the corners of the cave, for instance. Things that could breed disease and pestilence. So those cavewomen got busy and cleaned all that shit up and brought in all fresh bedding and yelled at their cavemen husbands to PAINT THIS CAVE, DAMMIT! NOW! AND I MEAN IT! AND I DON’T CARE HOW MUCH YOU LOVE IT, GET RID OF THAT DAMN MASTODON SKULL! THE CRIB NEEDS TO GO THERE, YOU IDIOT! AND WHILE YOU’RE AT IT, INVENT THE CRIB!

  8. On December 15th, 2008 at 3:11 pm Grace Says:

    haha. i love to almost purge. I have stacks and bags of things to go to charity and to the recycling plant. just need to get them in the car…

  9. On December 15th, 2008 at 3:12 pm Marie Says:

    OMG! I am a purger living in the middle of two hoarders. E collects the little plastic bubbles that you get out of the quarter machines. I don’t even go into the garage…ever.

  10. On December 15th, 2008 at 3:14 pm Maria Says:

    I cycle. I hoard and then purge. But I never purge fully enough cause I still have shit from my college dorm room lurking in my house.

    But I went purge-tacular with this pregnancy for sure. Also, both times we moved in the past two years were full of necessary purging.

  11. On December 15th, 2008 at 3:24 pm a Says:

    Really? You’ll come over and purge stuff? I am somewhere in the middle. My husband purges all the time, but I save some stuff. It has to have some sentimental value, though. My clothes – they can go. My daughter’s clothes? Keeping them – at least for now. Until I decide if we still need them.

  12. On December 15th, 2008 at 3:24 pm Holli Says:

    I am a purger. My hubby is a total hoarder. In fact he is on my top ten lists of all time worst hoarders. And I don’t mean that as a joke. We have a gigantic pole barn that we can’t put anything in because it’s all full of his shit. We own (and I’m not joking when I tell you this) a truck that his father drove in the early 1950’s. Why? Because his dad once drove it and he can’t part with it. Even though he has no keys, title, or motor. I don’t think it even has tires anymore. It hasn’t been moved in over 20 years. Seriously. In our barn there is some type of farm machine. I think it’s used for cutting corn. We don’t farm. We’ve never farmed. As far as I know his parents never even grew corn. I don’t know why we have it. But my sweet husband just can’t part with it. He is emotionally attached to it. So it takes up half our barn. And it’s never moved the whole time we’ve been together- which is 13 years. I could go on and on…

    I on the other hand give away anything I haven’t used in the last year. I think I’m like that because of my husband. If I weren’t you wouldn’t be able to walk in our house.

  13. On December 15th, 2008 at 3:26 pm Gail Says:

    I’m a purger, married to the biggest hoarder you ever met in your life. Seriously – come to my house and purge!!! Then it will be your fault that it’s gone, not mine!!!!!

    Please? The boys can all play with each other while you purge my house!

  14. On December 15th, 2008 at 3:33 pm Em Says:

    I’m a choosey hoarder/seasonal purger.

    I do love a little ying and yang.

    Oh, I’m also a post in-law visit purger. There’s only so much $1 Store China carp I want my kids to have.

    My mother in law is “more is more.” I’m “quality over quantity.”

    Shall the two ever meet?

  15. On December 15th, 2008 at 3:38 pm The Mommy Says:

    I’m a reformed hoarder. This means I purge, but probably not as often as is necessary. It helps that I’m married to a neat freak (not really a purger, but still). Also, the fact that my dad seriously has hoarding disease makes me want to go purge something right now. When can you be here?

  16. On December 15th, 2008 at 3:42 pm rebekah Says:

    I’d like to think I’m purgey, but reality smacks me with my whore tendencies at every opportunity. I just whore a little bit here, and a little bit there and…wait…what was the question?

    Jamie hoardes worse than I do. That’s my comfort. For every box of mine in the basement with a paisley hippie skirt from 1992, he has 3 containing school papers, a walkman and a beret from 1984.

    Mainly, thank god for basements.

  17. On December 15th, 2008 at 3:52 pm deb Says:

    I am a purger. I don’t hold on to anything. As a matter of fact, there have been times where the hubby will go looking for something I have previously thrown out or donated. Do I admit that? Nope. I just say “I have no idea where it is. What would I be doing with it?”

    So purge away pregnant hormonal one. The Salvation Army will thank you. But Daver may not.

  18. On December 15th, 2008 at 4:06 pm Stacey Says:

    I was a hoarder for all my life until I was pg with DS1. Then suddenly I realized this was not a big house & now a third person would rightly be expecting there to be room for his stuff.
    When I got pg with DS2 I realized this is actually a smallish house & now a fourth person would also be within their rights expecting some space for their stuff.
    Which mean some of my stuff would have to go (and some of DH’s stuff). I went on huge purges when I was about 8 months pregnant with each of them and it felt great. I felt like I was doing a Wonderful Thing by getting rid of my stuff rather than moping over it as I had feared.
    I say use the motivation & energy while you have it

  19. On December 15th, 2008 at 4:22 pm Mrs.spit Says:

    Purger. We are doing a big one at Christmas. DH just doesn’t know it yet.

  20. On December 15th, 2008 at 4:25 pm Miss Grace Says:

    Any chance that you could be convinced to come over and purge my house for me?

  21. On December 15th, 2008 at 4:49 pm Ginger Magnolia Says:

    I used to be a total hoarder, but after having to move around so much, I purge a lot! My kids don’t have tons of toys that they never play with, and I only have one (kind of big) box with some of their most precious baby clothes, toys, and blankets packed away. I keep handwritten letters, too, because those are so rare nowadays and are treasured. Other than that, I don’t keep things I don’t use.

  22. On December 15th, 2008 at 4:53 pm Betts Says:

    I come from a family of hoarders, so I’m a purger. We still have way too much stuff, but a load of stuff goes to charity every couple of months. Having kids seems to add way more crap to your house, doesn’t it?

  23. On December 15th, 2008 at 5:15 pm kate Says:

    purge. except shoes.

    and hair products.

    and books.

    and, like, wine.

    okay, so i’m maybe a hoarder.

  24. On December 15th, 2008 at 5:27 pm Sarah Says:

    Not a purger. Not even a little bit. Married a RAGING purger. His trick to get me to get rid of stuff regularly? Move me every freaking year of our lives together. Asshat.

    Normally, I would invite you over to purge at will. With enthusiasm. But all my crap is in storage in Colorado, while I am further S and W than that. Part of his evil plan to show me how long I can live without it, so why do I need it? Again, Asshat!!

    But he’s MY Asshat.

  25. On December 15th, 2008 at 5:31 pm LilSass Says:

    Oh I am SO happy to be a purger! Those hoarders scare me and there is nothing … NOTHING as refreshing as cleaning out closets and sharing your goods with others and whatnot. It gives me a deep, deep joy.

  26. On December 15th, 2008 at 5:38 pm swirl girl Says:

    I am such a purger that I actually have to go buy stuff for those white elephant (read:regifting) parties that seem to come up this time of year.

    Either I toss or donate….

  27. On December 15th, 2008 at 5:49 pm Kim Says:

    Sadly, I’m a hoarder! I need to purge! You have motivated me! By the way, your baby is precious! I love those 3-D ultrasounds. Amazing.

  28. On December 15th, 2008 at 5:51 pm baseballmom Says:

    I hoard, and it sucks. I picture myself becoming one of those crayzee people with pathways through all of their ‘stuff’ one day. I so wish you could come over and purge it all for me! My house would be much bigger, I’m sure.

  29. On December 15th, 2008 at 6:33 pm Megan Says:

    I have been having the strongest urges to clean out my underwear and sock drawers. Why? I don’t know. Maybe it’s because my mom might be doing laundry for me for the first week or two. Or maybe it’s because the baby might see that I have underwear that I will NEVER fit into again and she will make fun of me. Glad to know I’m not the only one though.

  30. On December 15th, 2008 at 7:25 pm Petra Says:

    Please come purge my house…


  31. On December 15th, 2008 at 8:35 pm foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog) Says:

    I would willingly get pregnant today if it meant I could get someone else around this house to help me purge all the stuff that needs to get out of this house! Short of that, I’m willing to leave my doors unlocked so you can come over any time and get a headstart on things!

  32. On December 15th, 2008 at 10:48 pm Danielle Says:

    I am a closet purger. I am always putting things in boxes and setting them in the garage and sending them off to Goodwill. Then one of the family members will ask me where something is and I’ll shrug my shoulders and act dumb and tell them “I have no idea where YOUR stuff is. it’s YOUR stuff, not mine.” Mean, I know, but if I didn’t do that, my house would be overrun with car magazines from Husband’s youth. $.25 army guys from every grocery store in town that Zilla HAS to have and candy wrappers that Nae is going to make something “beautiful” out of. I’m a mean mommy!

  33. On December 15th, 2008 at 10:49 pm giggleblue Says:

    purger in deep love with a hoarder…

  34. On December 15th, 2008 at 11:16 pm excavator Says:

    It’s a complete approach-avoidance conflict. When stuff builds up I get anxious and so feel the urge to purge. However, purging then stimulates my ‘what-if-I-need-this-someday-and-don’t-have-it-boy-will-I-be-mad-at-myself’ fears. And so I am torn.

  35. On December 15th, 2008 at 11:18 pm gypsygrrl Says:

    i am a hoarder. its shameful and embarrassing.
    so can you save some of the nesting/puring insanity until the wee one is here and you can travel… and i can snick up on the bambina and you can purge. i will pay you. with a deep dish pizza.


  36. On December 15th, 2008 at 11:24 pm Lola Says:

    I am a huge purger surrounded by hoarding men. My mother-in-law could have been on Oprah for the crap she acquired and packratted, and sadly it seems to be genetic, because I throw things out in tied trash bags, and my husband and son will go through the bags and pull shit out and hide it from me in the cellar, which only makes me have to do it all over again. Sucks ASS! It’s a disease!!!

  37. On December 15th, 2008 at 11:46 pm another sue Says:

    The opposite of a purger is a hoarder? Really? Because that just sounds kinda’ ugly. I live in a house with a whole lot of (one word) valuable-important-stuff-that-I-cannot-live-without. I hardly think that calls for the sort of name-calling that you imply. Actually, I live in a house that no one ever moved out of, they just died and left their stuff behind. Stuff that was trash in the 20’s and 30’s that did not get to the burn barrel, has now become family archives! See how that happens? I have valentines that my dad and his brother received from their classmates. But, but they are so neat now. (Trash then, valuable-etc. now.) Yes, I need help.

  38. On December 16th, 2008 at 1:35 am Jenn Says:

    If I have any sentimental attachment to an object that is related to my kids (i.e. Monkey’s school projects, any photographs, or favorite toys/outfits) then I hang on to it. Other than that I try to pawn it off on family & friends. My kids, like yours, are RIDICULOUSLY spoiled and half the time they play with something maybe ONCE before they aren’t interested anymore just because they have so much stuff. They would be happy just playing with cardboard boxed and digging in dirt or whatever.

  39. On December 16th, 2008 at 6:33 am SciFi Dad Says:

    I’m a purger. I spent five years in a co-op program in university where every four months I moved – in my old Mercury Topaz – from a finished apartment in one city to another finished apartment somewhere else. I learned how to minimize my crap and identify what is important.

    My wife, on the other hand? Let’s say that our unfinished basement has aisles. No I’m not kidding.

  40. On December 16th, 2008 at 8:45 am Badass Geek Says:

    I’m thinking orgasm, then deep-dish pizza. And also that “slovenly” is an awesome word.

  41. On December 16th, 2008 at 8:54 am mandy Says:

    I keep no momentos or trinkets of any kind. Never bring me a souvenier, cause I will surely sell it or toss it. My mom is SUCH a pack-rat and has so much clutter in her home that drove me insane growing up, I have become the opposite-to the extreme. I am a huge fan, people come to your house and remove what you don’t want! It’s way cool. I only keep the essentials in my home and poor kids, I give all their toys away as soon as they hint boredom with something.
    You GO girl, with your nesting. When I was nesting, I cleaned out all the cabinets and under the sink-which had not been touched for 3 years! Closets too. A lot of freecycling happened that nesting phase. It’s a cool instinct, doncha think?

  42. On December 16th, 2008 at 9:58 am Marsha Says:

    I believe I’m a hereditary hoarder. I TRY to switch over to being a purger. I do. I think it’s a genetic disease however, and have to constantly battle myself much as a druggie battles their fix.

  43. On December 16th, 2008 at 10:44 am chris Says:

    I’m a moderate purger, once a year I take a trip to the nearest charity store to donate…BTW, if you have the urge to purge, you are more than welcome to come to my garage…

  44. On December 16th, 2008 at 11:23 am Coco Says:

    I try to purge, I really do. But like my mother before me (curse you, genetics!) I am a packrat of the packrattiest sort. Example? I still have my high school French textbooks. WITH THE WORKBOOK. In case I want to review, I suppose.

    However, when I do purge, and purge big, it’s always good stuff that goes to local charities. So I feel like my hoarding helps the world, in that wacky non-logical way I have.

    I would seriously pay you to come purge for me. You should start a show on FLN. I would be your first (head)case.

  45. On December 16th, 2008 at 1:27 pm Kristine Says:

    I am unfortunately a hoarder…because I clearly might need that widget one day and then maybe all the widgets will be out of production and I will think about the widget that I threw away or donated and be sad. I am trying to rein it in. Some.

  46. On December 16th, 2008 at 3:14 pm Karen Says:

    I am SUCH a hoarder. I am a little afraid they might do an Oprah special on me one day. I don’t keep the garbage or stuff like that (yet), but I find it so hard to part with anything that I might “need” one day. Crazy.

  47. On December 16th, 2008 at 7:23 pm Eva Says:

    I love to set things aside to purge, then forget all about it, then have to go through the bag again, then have second thoughts. Or at least it seems like I love it or I wouldn’t keep doing it.

  48. On December 17th, 2008 at 4:36 am SCY Says:

    I’m a regular purger – every 2 – 3 months I get the purge bee in my bonnet and out it goes – DH on the other hand? TOTAL hoarder – it drives me to drink – lots!!!


  49. On December 17th, 2008 at 7:45 pm mumma boo Says:

    I’m a purger, but my daughter has inherited my MIL’s packrat gene. When the crap gets piled too high in her room, I get twitchy. And then we spend an afternoon getting rid of it. Nobody wants a twitchy me. She goes along with it because it’s the only time I’ll let her say “crap” all day long (as in “this goes in the crap pile” and “wow, Grammy gives me alot of crap”) without admonishing her.

  50. On December 18th, 2008 at 1:18 pm Painted Maypole Says:

    i am a hoarder, wanting to reform. i could totally use you at my house (by the way… i believe you live in town of my alma mater)

  51. On December 24th, 2008 at 12:09 pm trish Says:

    I’m a purger.

    But I thought it was funny that I was behind on blog posts and posted something very similar four days after this post. We’re bloggy twins!

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