Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Cane YOU


Growing up, we always had a spot for canes – or “walking sticks” as my father referred to them as – by the front door. While I’m certain that other people had cane holders like we did, I recall being baffled that my friends all thought it was weird.

As I recall, these canes were highly ornate and boasted these beautiful gold filigree handles. I couldn’t understand how exactly my father used them on his nightly walks without screwing up the gold (gold is a naturally soft metal) but they always managed to stay intact.

fancy gold walking stick

Sort of like this – only prettier.

This assortment of walking sticks helped tremendously when we played dress-up: pretend you’re a 1920s gangster and the cane was used as a Tommy gun.* Or a pretentious poet who used o!, and, despite being very thoroughly American, added a “U’ into words like color in an non-ironic way. Or you used it as a “shovel” while “mining for gold.”

When I got older and popped out a few crotch parasites, House, MD made canes and Vicodin cool. This helps tremendously, well, NOW.

After the hospital, I went to a old people home to receive twice-daily IV antibiotics and physical therapy. When I was relearning to walk, I realized that my right leg was shorter than my left, because I was, well, WOBBLY.

(And not just because I was drunk.)

My PT confirmed that my right leg is about an inch shorter than my left. My orthopedic further confirmed: when I rebroke my femur in December, the breaks in my femur, hip, and usage of additional bits (that allowed me to begin the slow process of becoming totally bionic) worked in tandem to shave an inch off my right hip.

Here’s the downside: my right leg doesn’t yet know it’s now closer to 5 foot 4 inches than 5 foot 5. I’ve set that motherfucker up for a total self-esteem crisis. It’s going to want to go out and pick up bikers in bars and wear too much liquid black eyeliner, and I’m going be the one that has to say “motherfucker, NO. Just no.”

Alas, I digress.

Some of the time, when my leg isn’t being stiff or hurty, my right leg is fine and (no matter what the stripper tells  you) there is absolutely NO sex in the champagne room. I walk mostly normally** – for a 35 year old using a fucking walker, but there are times, mostly when I am half-asleep, post-frat party, or after a particularly strenuous PT session, that I wobble.

Which is why it’s likely that I will graduate from my super sassy walker to cane. Unfortunately, my father will not allow me to use one of his walking sticks (I think it’s because of the frat parties). However, fortunately, there appear to be any number of truly awesome and beyond bizarre canes available:

There’s this one:

glitter skull cane

Which nattily matches the stick shift knob in my car.

Or this one:

crystal cane

Which nattily matches my life.

So I started thinking about how awesome it would be to stop hiding my flask it my purse, and wound up here:

American flag cane

(pointless aside, the website I found ONLY stocked patriotic flask canes)

Or this, if’n I decide to spell colour incorrectly and become a beat poet as well as a drunk:

Canadian Flask Cane

But, that’s where things take a decided turn for the truly weird and fucked up:

Dog cane

Now, I heart me some dogs. Fucking love them. Can’t wait to HAVE one of my own.

That said, why the fuck would I want a porn-lighting cane that actually LOOKS like a dog? I can’t picture any situation in which this could be used comfortably OR fashionably. Believe me, I’ve tried.

Now this one wouldn’t be a bad cane to own.

Coffin cane


It’s from an antique cane website, looks amazingly similar to a cane my father owns, and it’s tasteful (if boring).


If you squint at it long enough, it becomes clear that the last word on the cane is “coffin.” The first word appears to be a name. Which, after you Google “weird ass canes,” for long, you realize it may actually be a cane that just might store a part of a dead person.

Then we have this, which is not only offensive, but frightening:

Weird black cane

And this, which is just fucked the fuck up:

Weird lady cane

I mean, I GET that it’s supposed to be a Victorian woman cane, but seriously, that cane would keep me up all night, every night, in mortal fear that it would come to life and eat my face off. That bitch would TOTALLY boil a bunny.

I could totally kick those damn kids off my lawn with this:

gun walking stick

Or this:

sword cane

And now we are at the ridiculously tasteful canes section.

If you’re reading this at work, you may want to skip the last two and go directly down to my challenge below.

vagina speculum cane

Who DOESN’T want to be able to perform a vaginal exam every time they go, well, ANYWHERE.

As an aside, this item is being sold by *blink blink* Sears, which, for the low low low price of $17.42.

And then, then we have this is this horrifying monstrosity which is INCREDIBLY NSFW (I never EVER warn against this unless I fucking mean it), unless you work at THOSE kind of jobs. If you think that makes it challenge-worthy, well, you’re my kind of person.

If’n you need clarification, just look.

(but know that you CANNOT unsee it)

Vagina cane


I have no real words, except for this: I call The Butthole a “chocolate starfish” for a reason.

*St. Charles, due to its inability to properly allow anyone in or out, was, for that reason,  home to many a Mafia princess, so we ALL knew the gangster stories from birth. They nearly sent us home with an “I (heart) Uncle Capone” when my mother was discharged.

“**As if ANYTHING a 35-year old who writes a blog on The Internets called “Mommy Wants Vodka,” can be considered “normal.”


I’m throwing down the gauntlet, Pranksters: these are the most outrageous canes I could find after a morning of  fat-fingering Google on Friday.


You can do better. Leave a comment with the most outrageous canes your fast googling fingers can find. Find me a good (bad) one? I’ll absolutely add it/them to the post.

Or, in the event that you’re so inclined, leave me a can I SHOULD own after I’ve graduated from my walker.

12 Comments to

“Cane YOU”

  1. On February 23rd, 2016 at 11:07 am Maria Says:

    Not really outrageous, but…
    I give you Gaudy Florals. Foldable.

  2. On February 23rd, 2016 at 1:35 pm Tara Says:

    You need this cane. Is it an odd sex toy, a scepter, or a magic wand? MAYBE IT’S ALL THREE. And, not to mention, it totally helps light your way home from those frat parties.

  3. On February 23rd, 2016 at 3:09 pm Marian Allen Says:


    Because: just because.

  4. On February 23rd, 2016 at 6:04 pm a Says:

    I don’t think there’s anything better than the chocolate starfish cane (WTF????). I think you should liberate all of your dad’s walking sticks, though.

    However, given that we are crazy unsteady in our family, once we hit a certain age…might I seriously recommend a ski pole instead of a cane? That’s what my aunt is currently using. Soft grip handle, a nice strap for your wrist…apparently, they are excellent.

  5. On February 23rd, 2016 at 7:06 pm Kay Says:

    Skymall has a pretty spectacular selection, including this beauty:

    And, in case you wanted some naked acrobat action:

    On the more practical side, you can hide your Vicodin in this one:

    And if you ever feel like spying on the neighbours:

  6. On February 23rd, 2016 at 7:41 pm Kay Says:

    Also, apparently you can get canes made from bull penises ( Side note: “Bull Dick Cane” sounds like a badass action movie star name.

    And yes, there exists a cane made to resemble a human penis, too:

    I also found this beauty:

    And a taser cane, because there’s no way *that* could go wrong:

    An eyeball cane, in case you need to freak anyone out:

    And a corkscrew cane, which is the best idea ever.

  7. On February 23rd, 2016 at 7:50 pm JTooks Says:

    I found a rattlesnake one, cause it’s badass.
    A mushroom topped one, so you can give people a mushroom print when needed.
    And one that comes with a taser, cause you need it.
    I would link, but I’m lazy and Pintrest is a bitch.

  8. On March 4th, 2016 at 1:44 pm janey Says:

    You said…

    I “*also* understand I left a lot of what happened out of this story, but the first order of The Internet is “you don’t owe anything to anyone. Ever.” I wrote what I wrote as I remembered. That’s all I’m saying I did. The validity of it? Not really up for debate. This IS what I can recall of the time in which I was in a coma. Like it or don’t, believe me or don’t, it’s what *I* experienced. That’s not open for debate. These are the words I heard, the sounds I experienced, and the problems I faced down. I only ever said I’d describe things as I remembered/felt/experienced them.”

    You may not “owe the internet anything ever”…but, you’re not dealing with an intangible place in cyber space. You are dealing with people who you claim to consider friends, supporters, and family. You owe them/us the truth. And, frankly, you owe it to yourself. Stating that you don’t have to share every detail is true. You don’t. But, you do have to be transparent…because, as of now, you have peel soliciting money on your behalf. If your post was an attempt at an artistic description of the reality as you felt it emotionally, then you should clarify that. You didn’t. And, when questioned, you said you weren’t sure what actually happened. You owe it to yourself to grab your chart and find out what happened. Now, someone is soliciting money on your behalf and you’ve not disavowed the fund or asked people not to donate, so you are complicit. You may not owe the internet anything, but those people who are giving money to help you deserve an accounting of what their money is for and what the reality of your hospitalization was. The reality is up for debate according to the GoFundMe TOS and the law.

    I think you do need financial support. I’m sure you have bills. I’m sure your life doesn’t feel great and I have tremendous sympathy for your journey because (no matter what), you are in a rotten place. But, I think you would get more support if you were willing to do what’s right and tell the facts of the story. You might even get help you didn’t expect and you might find that people are kinder than you think even without the over-the-top drama and inconsistencies.

  9. On March 14th, 2016 at 9:28 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Alice Lore-Swan (email address:, I see that we are not friends on Facebook. So, Alice Lore-Swan, you’re information could have only come from one place.

    You’re right, A when you say “I think you do need financial support. I’m sure you have bills. I’m sure your life doesn’t feel great and I have tremendous sympathy for your journey because (no matter what), you are in a rotten place.” Alice Lore-Swan, you’re right – I do need financial help. Badly.

    My life isn’t on trial here. It’s not open for debate.

    And moreover, I’m nobody’s bitch.

  10. On March 14th, 2016 at 1:56 pm Grace Says:

    Because this is exactly how you show kindness. By attacking people. Well done.

  11. On March 11th, 2016 at 10:42 pm Coy Harkcom Says:

    I started reading her blog again after a couple of months and it seems like she`s getting a divorce? Does anyone read her? Care to enlighten an old reader about her current situation? 

  12. On March 12th, 2016 at 7:37 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I got a divorce a couple of years ago. A lot has changed in that time – mostly unblogged.

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