Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride



Pranksters, I should have you know that Amelia spent the entire day yesterday yelling, “HI” and “THANK YOU” to the computer. I’m pretty sure she knows you were in the computer waving at her, so she was waving back. The gift of sight runs in my family…maybe she has it.


Either way, my daughter thinks that her Pranksters are full of the awesome. She’s right.

This week, however, has NOT been full of the awesome. My dog died yesterday. So did my transmission. I’d blame John C. Mayer, but I think that I need his karma like I need a stomach full of worms.

The only good thing about having a week of The Suck is that it’s forcing me to think about all of the ugly, unpleasant things I need to do that I’ve been putting off because I don’t want to deal with it. I get hyper-productive when I’m in The Shit.

So I’m doing the blog equivalent of dying my hair. I’ve needed to spend a good deal of time thinking about what exactly I want to do with the space other than where I write and while I wanted to just write I LOVE BACON and I HEART PRANKSTERS everywhere, I’m not exactly sure that would be helpful.

I’ve added an area at the top that includes direct links to each one of my five shirts called SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH SHIRTS. Because, obviously. I want to make a photogallery of the shirts you’ve bought, too, so if you have any snapshots, send ’em to me (

I’m starting to think that I want to sell my own ads. Nothing fancy or anything. Is that a terrible idea?

Update: AM selling my own ads. Please click here if you want to be bored OR buy an ad.

It’s likely you’ll see a ton of different things around here since I am still stuck on my back staring at the wall and have very little to do besides pray people submit more stories to Band Back Together and Mushroom Printing. So, I suppose, pardon my dust.

And I promise Amelia (my sons call her Dr. Mimi) will help me make another vlog soon.

Also: she just ran up to me yelling, COOKIE, COOKIE! Who gave her a cookie, Pranksters? And where is mine?

58 Comments to


  1. On November 18th, 2010 at 12:56 pm Michelle Says:

    Well, fuck, Becky. (Please note the commas there.) I’m so sorry about your sucky week. Dying transmissions are god-awful enough; dying dogs are knives in the heart for me. I wish I could help you.

  2. On November 18th, 2010 at 1:08 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I wish this week hadn’t sucked so damn hard. ONLY THURSDAY. I really hope something awesome is around the bend.

  3. On November 18th, 2010 at 12:56 pm Kelly Says:

    She probably found Mea’s spare cookie. You know the one she hides in the couch cushions for when I say no. Everyone needs a spare cookie. Maybe if you are nice she’ll share with you?

  4. On November 18th, 2010 at 1:06 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Amelia does not share. Amelia does not sleep. She waits.

  5. On November 18th, 2010 at 1:01 pm HereWeGoAJen Says:

    My almost two year old has become Amelia’s biggest fan. I showed her the video because “hey, want to see another baby?” and then I had to show it to her over and over and over again. I’m serious, I bet we’ve watched it fifty times. She came downstairs this morning and demanded “more ‘Melia!” before she would eat breakfast. On the plus side, I am getting lots done, in one minute and fifteen second chunks.

    I’m sorry about your dog. And your transmission.

  6. On November 18th, 2010 at 1:06 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Amelia LOVES other kids. I wish that she could your daughter playing with her.

  7. On November 18th, 2010 at 1:08 pm HereWeGoAJen Says:

    When she watches it again, I’ll film a video response.

  8. On November 18th, 2010 at 1:02 pm Becky Mochaface Says:

    I was totally waving at her so she does have THE SIGHT. She is the incredible Dr. Mimi after all.

    Also. Sorry about your dog. And the transmission. Giant amount of suck for sure.

  9. On November 18th, 2010 at 1:08 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Just a week of shit. But you know, it’ll get better. ALWAYS DOES.

  10. On November 18th, 2010 at 1:03 pm Gretchen Says:

    I was feeling sorry for myself because I’m having a bad week. But then you said your dog died. And fuck. You win. I’m sorry to hear that. Now I feel like a selfish asshole for being all wrapped up in shit that, 6 months from now, won’t really matter. So thanks. Thanks for making me feel like shit for having a worse week than me. **SMILES**

  11. On November 18th, 2010 at 1:04 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Shit, baby, I’ll trade you.

  12. On November 18th, 2010 at 1:04 pm Tershbango Says:

    If I were Queen of the World, I’d institute a law stating that nobody can get that much SUCK in one week. Unless of course, the person sucks, in which case people who don’t suck and wish all manners of suck upon them.

  13. On November 18th, 2010 at 1:05 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    This week is karmic payback for past misdeeds, I’m thinking. I must have been a hell of a bad person.

  14. On November 18th, 2010 at 1:16 pm Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] Says:

    want to smoosh on mimi.

  15. On November 18th, 2010 at 1:17 pm Stephanie and her sort of funny blog Says:

    Super sorry to hear about the pup. Was it sick or was it an accident?

    I’m still not over pets from years ago (I guess I have issues anyway).

    Hope the transmission means a new car with 0% financing?? Maybe? No? Okay, well I hope you find an honest *cough* mechanic who won’t rip you off.

  16. On November 18th, 2010 at 1:19 pm Maria Says:

    Many many warm hugs, from freezing Sweden.

  17. On November 18th, 2010 at 1:22 pm Rebecca Says:

    I’m anxiously awaiting for Amelia to say “Shut Your Whore Mouth”. It could auto-play every time someone opens any of your pages.

  18. On November 18th, 2010 at 1:36 pm steph gas Says:

    this needs to be the first phrase that she is taught.

  19. On November 18th, 2010 at 1:26 pm Sara @ Life With the Two Says:

    November has turned into a month of suck for a lot of people. I am so sorry sweets. I’ve got glΓΌwein, so come over and we’ll just get shitfaced and be European till everything gets back to normal. Or close to normal.

    Either way, come move in on my sofa, it’ll be a nice change of scenery for you. And it’s really comfy.

  20. On November 18th, 2010 at 1:28 pm Anna Says:

    Thanks for the perspective on a week of Suck. The lying sack of shit coworker incident that’s been bugging me is no longer in my brain. Also – my 3 year old told his class that this year for Thanksgiving, he’s thankful for bacon. HELL YES. Tell your week to fuck off.

  21. On November 18th, 2010 at 1:38 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Your kid is my damn hero.

  22. On November 18th, 2010 at 1:30 pm Brandi C Says:

    Oh honey, I’m so sorry about the dog. That sucks donkey dick. πŸ™

    I have a spare if you want her. She’s a real pain in the ass, I mean, an awesome pup and great with kids. πŸ™‚ I can FedEx overnight her to you. Just let me know. LOL!

    Am working on a new post for BBT and think that you look fabulous on your back. (I’m such a whore.)

    Things will get better very soon. Before you know it, you’ll be back up and kicking John C Mayer’s ass with your diamond encrusted feet. And we CAN’T WAIT! πŸ˜€

    p.s. You & all the other ladies looked fabulous on the Curvy Girls Guide video!

  23. On November 18th, 2010 at 1:34 pm claire Says:

    Hi there,
    I saw the video and thought it was so adorable! all that hard work is finally showing off eh?
    She is a wonderful little girl!

    your glasses kick ass, i’m jealous

  24. On November 18th, 2010 at 1:36 pm steph gas Says:

    my week turned to The Suck yesterday too (notice the lack of caps. if you know anything about me, you will know that i only use caps when i’m superserious). dead transmission sucks. awesome husband is a mechanic, but he doesn’t touch transmissions and it might be a super long drive to central florida. dead dogs suck even worse. i’m very sorry to hear it. my oldest kitteh is 16 and in early stage kidney failure, so every day at this point is a (loud, annoying, yowling) blessing.

    ALSO: you still haven’t put my shit up on band back together. i have a head full of ideas but i didn’t want to start getting all up in the dark until i broke the surface with that one. hit me up, aunt motherfucking becky.

  25. On November 18th, 2010 at 1:57 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Trying, dude, but this isn’t something I can work on. This is Dave’s coding and he’s been busy. I haven’t forgotten, I just can’t do it myself.

  26. On November 18th, 2010 at 2:24 pm steph gas Says:

    i know, it’s been crazy for you! but once bbt is ready to handle it, i will probably piss you off with the amount of shit i submit πŸ˜›

  27. On November 18th, 2010 at 1:43 pm Dot Says:

    Ohhhh, so sorry about your dog. (((Hugs)))

  28. On November 18th, 2010 at 1:46 pm stacey@Havoc&Mayhem Says:

    Having lost a dog and 3 transmissions in my life you have my full sympathy and I was never recovering from anything when any of them happened. Sorry this week has been the suckage.

  29. On November 18th, 2010 at 1:59 pm Kristin Says:

    I’m so sorry about your dog. It’s been a shitty week for losing pets.

    On the other hand, I am so excited about Mimi talking!

  30. On November 18th, 2010 at 2:00 pm mumma boo Says:

    Oh babe, that really sucks. I’m so sorry about your dog. I hope everyone is coping ok. Crossing my fingers that you have a good mechanic who can resurrect the transmission. (And yes, you should sell your own ads!)

  31. On June 15th, 2012 at 12:15 pm Bertie Says:

    I was drawn by the henosty of what you write

  32. On November 18th, 2010 at 2:02 pm Lessons in Life and Light Says:

    Your dog died?!?! Dude, I’m so sorry! I’ve been through that. Didn’t think I’d EVER stop crying. Thinking of you!

  33. On November 18th, 2010 at 2:19 pm amber Says:

    Ugh. I’m so sorry about your dog. That’s really hard. Here’s hoping your weekend is much, much better than your week.

  34. On November 18th, 2010 at 2:31 pm ABDPBT Says:

    Yay! Good luck with the private ads. Here‘s a post that gives some tips on how to get started, and I bet you have a bunch of people who are already reading you who have etsy shops and stuff who wouldn’t mind advertising here. If you put up a post with your rates you might be able to avoid sending out too many email inquiries to advertisers. Good luck!

  35. On November 18th, 2010 at 2:46 pm KC aka The Resident Bitch Says:

    Motherfucking HELL to the YEAH you should run your own ads! I mean, hell, if anyone can do it, it’s going to be you Aunt Becky.

    I can’t stop watching the video of Ameila either … SO stinking cute. But I’m sorry otherwise your week is full of THE SUCK.

    Hot Damn … how about we just put a ban on lame ass weeks and everytime one rears its ugly head we all streak naked through the park? Yes? …. No? All right well damn.

  36. On November 18th, 2010 at 4:11 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I’m in.

  37. On November 18th, 2010 at 3:03 pm leanne Says:

    So sorry about your dog. And your transmission. You’ve had one hell of a week. Hope things get better soon…

    Also, looking forward to more vlogs of you and Amelia.

    And if you are still in need, I got Girl Scout cookies I can share… so c’mon up…

  38. On November 18th, 2010 at 3:06 pm Nina Says:

    Mimi was obviously referring to website’s cookies and she does not like talking because she prefers texting!!n she is just a super pretty future geek!

  39. On November 18th, 2010 at 4:10 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I must never, ever tell The Daver or he will never stop gloating.

  40. On November 18th, 2010 at 3:41 pm Lori Says:

    I’m so sorry about your dog! That is so not fair to you right now! In honor of your awesome new shirts I have decided to give my too small shirt to my skinny bitch friend and I’ve ordered another more roomy one for me! So there’s that! You sold another shirt today! I’m sure you’ve sold more than just that one but hey, I’m doin my part here! Hope the rest of your week gets better. It HAS to.

  41. On November 18th, 2010 at 3:46 pm TripleZmom (formerly Jerseygirl89) Says:

    I am sorry about your dog and the transmission. That sucks. I blame Mark Z. (not saying full name in case he really is all-powerful and comes after me next). But this calls for chocolate and many more Amelia vlogs, because seriously, how cute is she? Anyway, I hope things improve. I think you should start calling local car places, telling them about your devoted pranksters and offering them ad space if they give you a new damn car.

  42. On November 18th, 2010 at 3:48 pm Beth Says:

    Awww, darlin’, I’m so sorry about your puppy! About the car too, but… puppy! πŸ™ But I’m soooo proud of your beautiful little girl! Have fun with blog molestation – it’s always fun πŸ™‚

  43. On November 18th, 2010 at 4:00 pm Manda Says:

    Well crap. I thought I was having a bad week, because I got dumped at 4am last wed on the very night that the baby developed a nasty cold and a fever. And then I had to find a new babysitter. And then I got the nasty cold. And then I got a cold sore. And then that turned into a staph infection.

    But dude, you totally win. I’m so sorry about your dog. I have never lost a pet, so I don’t know how I would handle it. I HAVE lost plenty of cars, though, and that is a huge pain in the ass.

  44. On November 18th, 2010 at 4:08 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I think this week sucks. I vote we change the date to next Monday.

  45. On November 18th, 2010 at 4:02 pm McGilli Says:

    Awww I am so sorry about the dog… I keep looking at mine and getting sad ‘cos I know one day they too will drop dead and I will cry forever and ever and ever… until I get a new puppy!!!
    Yes being in the shit does produce inordinate amounts of hyper-efficiency and super powers no Prankster has ever seen the likes of before!!!!!

  46. On November 18th, 2010 at 4:07 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    It’s kinda rad how much I have gotten done.

  47. On November 18th, 2010 at 4:24 pm Emma Jayne Says:

    Poor Wee One!! I am so sad to hear of your horrible week even as you are still recovering. You must be up for sainthood to be put to such trials!
    You are totally going to start selling your own ads. Period. You have such a huge following and there is no reason to give your shoe/vodka money to someone else. Those of us just starting out, of course, have no other choice but suck it up to “The Man” but we need you to blaze a trail of independence! Tally ho, Ho!

  48. On November 18th, 2010 at 4:30 pm tash Says:

    So, so sorry about the dog. How horrible.

    Much love.

  49. On November 18th, 2010 at 6:03 pm My Bumpy Journey Says:

    ugh. Sorry about your car and all the other suckiness. Lovely blog uplift though! πŸ™‚
    Did someone say cookie?

  50. On November 18th, 2010 at 7:34 pm Opto-Mom Says:

    You had me at “bacon.”

  51. On November 18th, 2010 at 7:50 pm katrina Says:

    So sorry your week was so stupidsucky. Also very sorry for the death of your dog. My sweet best frienddog of 15 years just died Oct. 24….i’m still bawling.

  52. On November 18th, 2010 at 9:03 pm a Says:

    I’m sorry to hear about your dog and your transmission. That does suck.

    What does not suck is Dr. Mimi running around yelling Cookie!

  53. On November 18th, 2010 at 11:14 pm Katya Says:

    Amelia made me grin. And giggle. Focus on the loveys while in The Shit. Beanster & I are making crafts all the time. Really helps me stay out of *that* place.

    ***HUGS*** to get you through to the upswing!

  54. On November 19th, 2010 at 5:21 am Jersey Girl Gets Real Says:

    I am glad you are feeling better physically and moving about. I am sorry about your pooch and your car. I love the name Ameilia and am glad she is well. Life can be pretty shitty if you can’t say the word “cookie” so she is on her way in my estimation!

    Have a super weekend! Oh! I sent you an invite to read my blog and you haven’t picked it up damnit! Don’t you love me anymore πŸ˜‰

  55. On November 19th, 2010 at 11:07 am Mary Says:

    I’m sorry about your dog, we had a cat who died from bladder cancer (rare form in cats) and we are still missing him two years later.

    I wish life was like one of those 1960 TV shows where you had ONE problem at a time and 30 minutes later, it was solved. But then I would have to wear pearls and high heels when I clean. Totally not me.

    Congratulations again on Amelia. She amazes us once again.

  56. On November 19th, 2010 at 1:48 pm cagey Says:

    Eek, I have had a horrible two weeks, but hands down YOU WIN. Eek. So sorry about your dog. So sorry.

  57. On November 19th, 2010 at 2:45 pm Wombat Central Says:

    I’m so sorry to hear about your dog. That is a suckfest all its own. Been there. Many hugs….

  58. On November 23rd, 2010 at 1:52 pm statia Says:

    Amelia is the baby version of Chuck Norris. She is Chuck Norris reincarnated. Because Chuck Norris doesn’t die. He just reincarnates his living self.

    And I’m happy she has words. I’m so excited for you, dude.

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