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Bring Out Your Pink Patent Leather Swine!

November5

2,869: Twitter Followers that follow me.

2,800: Twitter Followers that make wonder why SHIT they want to follow me. As proof, I give you an actual tweet that I tweeted last night: “I’m writing about all of the things I would do if I had a penis.” I am not classy.

5: Days I have currently been too sick to even moan about the house moping to angle for awesome presents and/or compliments.

100: Degrees of fever, which is apparently not high enough to warrant Tamiflu.

INFINITY: the amount of pain and suffering that my fever feels knowing that it is NOT FUCKING GOOD ENOUGH.

34: times my fever has wondered if it can go to the People’s Court to sue for pain and suffering for knowing it’s NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

0.4: seconds it takes for my daughter to move from my arms to stuffing her chipmunk cheeks like a squirrel with dog food across the house.

INFINITY TIMES TWO: how gleeful she is about playing in the dog water before I swoop her up because she knows she’s not supposed to be splashing in there.

12,000: decibels that Dave manages to chew potato chips, burrowing into my aching head like a sea of mini jackhammers with each.and.every.single.crunch.

87: times I wondered if I could sue pigs or whatever for the swine flu.

87: times I wondered if that could be a People’s Court episode.

42: times I thought that the pig appearing as the defendant had to be wearing loads of gold medallions

14: times I’ve thought about writing and rapping a hardcore gangsta rap album this week under the name The Notorious B.E.X.

Want to be my back up singers?

posted under As Navel Grazing As I Wanna Be.

178 Comments to

“Bring Out Your Pink Patent Leather Swine!”

On November 5th, 2009 at 12:02 pm miss thystle Says:
I bet my husband chews louder than yours. I wonder if we could take them on Judge Judy and sue them for making us FUCKING INSANE with the LOUD CHEWING AND THE CHEWING WITH THE LOUDNESS?

Seriously. Why the hell do men chew so loud?
On November 5th, 2009 at 4:03 pm toywithme Says:
They are pigs – that’s why! Hey, wait a minute. They are “PIGS”! Maybe swine flu is not from the kinda pigs that roll in shit. It’s the other pigs – “men” – they are the route cause of swine flu. I freaking knew it.
On November 5th, 2009 at 5:21 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
I think Judge Judy would hold them in contempt of court and maybe sentence them to jail time. Or shoot them. Right? Can she shoot them?
On November 5th, 2009 at 12:05 pm Jessica from Michigan Says:
I’m eagerly awaiting the list of all the things you’d do if you had a penis and am guessing you won’t be able to get past one or maybe two things dealing with sex.
On November 5th, 2009 at 5:21 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
My list will be revealed on Tuesday…
On November 5th, 2009 at 12:07 pm amber Says:
classy tweets are boring. so, please, don’t get classy on us. I’ll be a back-up singer, but only if I can wear pink patent leather.

feel better.
On November 5th, 2009 at 5:20 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
Pink patent leather is my reason for living and breathing.
On November 5th, 2009 at 12:10 pm MK Says:
Totally want to be a back up singer! I’ll be the cute little pot bellied one…
On November 5th, 2009 at 5:16 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
I’ll be the one that looks 5 months pregnant. It’ll rule.
On November 5th, 2009 at 12:11 pm Deanna Says:
That tweet fascinated me. Can’t say the same of the one where you had Owner of a Lonely Heart stuck in your head, because that shit has been running around my brain since you tweeted it. But seriously, stay awesome on Twitter. You and ShitMyDadSays are my only daily reads.
On November 5th, 2009 at 5:15 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
Now you have inspired me not to change my doggie, er, Twitter styles.

And that stupid song is like the worst song EVER. I’m really sorry about that because no one deserves that in their head.
On November 5th, 2009 at 12:14 pm stefanie Says:
I can’t sing, but I bet I can spin a mean record. Hoping you feel better soon. But, I must say, your fever induced tweets will be missed.
On November 5th, 2009 at 5:14 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
Oh shit, I’m just as nonsensical when I’m stone cold sober and normal temped. Have no fear. I’ll prove it to you next week.
On November 5th, 2009 at 12:15 pm txtingmrdarcy Says:
Ooooo! Pick me! I’ve already proven that I can rap! We can be like Jay-Z and Alicia Keys. “In a Sausage-Fest State of Mind.”

I like it. It could work.
On November 5th, 2009 at 5:13 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
You’re going to write the raps for me, baby.
On November 5th, 2009 at 12:17 pm Kimberly Says:
If you have swine flu aka H1N1… Tamiflu isn’t going to help you anyways. It’s just not effective against that beast.But, please feel better soon. Keep your sense of humor going cuz I love your blog & your tweets!
On November 5th, 2009 at 5:13 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
Why thank you. I’m glad to know Tamiflu is worthless, because I’m then my fever won’t be tempted to contact The People’s Court.

You’re too sweet. Thank you.
On November 5th, 2009 at 12:18 pm Rebecca Says:
I like your ‘numbers’?? blogs. Whatever you call it when you do the blogs like this.

743 times I’ve wanted to move to a warmer climate during the month of October.

321446992212 Times I’ve imagined myself kicking myself in the butt for NOT accepting the job I was offered to teach in Pensacola BEACH, Florida…..

8939 times I’ve complained that it’s too cold to do anything since “fall” hit.

……..I could go on and on in Aunt Becky style but I shouldn’t cause you’re the best at this game.
On November 5th, 2009 at 5:12 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
Numbers blogs are my fall-back for when I have nothing coherent and I am glad that you like them 🙂
On November 5th, 2009 at 12:23 pm Zakary Says:
Gah, I hope you feel better. Soon.
On November 5th, 2009 at 5:11 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
I think I am going to die. Will you take over my blog for me?
On November 5th, 2009 at 12:26 pm COURTENAY Says:
I would SO buy your CD!
On November 5th, 2009 at 5:10 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
I’m thinking I need to take my mad skillz to a record company.
On November 5th, 2009 at 12:27 pm Bex Says:
I honestly can’t believe that you have the swine flu and you are STILL POSTING. Are you a machine?

And I would be your backup singer, but then we would have to be the Notorious B.E.X.es and it just doesn’t have the same ring to it.
On November 5th, 2009 at 5:09 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
I am only partially machine. Sadly, my immune system is human and full of viruses.
On November 5th, 2009 at 12:29 pm Chris Says:
I would totally pop drop and lock it in your video..Ive always wanted to be a video ho!!
On November 5th, 2009 at 5:09 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
Get your bikini ready, baby!
On November 5th, 2009 at 12:32 pm Bluebird Says:
🙁
If you can find a way to get in to *real* court (no offense, People’s Court!!) I’ll represent you!
On November 5th, 2009 at 5:07 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
Now that would be FULL of The Awesome. Can we sneak a pig into the courthouse?
On November 6th, 2009 at 11:54 am Erica Says:
Can I be your second chair attorney?
On November 6th, 2009 at 2:11 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
Absolutely! Especially if you get ANGRY a lot. Like at anything. I expect a lot of “I OBJECT” at nothing. Like air movement, you know.
On November 5th, 2009 at 12:33 pm Lady Of The House Says:
Lover I would never be a back up singer. No one puts baby in a corner. I will however get your infected ass on TPC. You probably won’t win but you could be on TV! You may get a whole new bug called “Reality TV Whoredom.” You’ll find yourself wrapping your beautiful babe in bubble wrap and attaching a string to her and trying to fly her in the backyard.
On November 5th, 2009 at 5:07 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
So long as we can then take the pig on Maury for a paternity test. You know how badly I want to hear Maury tell me “YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER!”

Because I am totally not.
On November 5th, 2009 at 12:34 pm Vinomom Says:
20 times in the last two minutes I’ve prayed that something. ANYTHING. fried will appear before my fat face.

I love your number posts. And I’m pretty sure dog food has protien in it. So it’s all good.
On November 5th, 2009 at 5:06 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
I have plenty of fried things you can have, like the chips I can wrestle out of Daver’s mealy paws. Food is kinda gross right now.

I love it. Dog food DOES have protein in it! Good call, yo!
On November 5th, 2009 at 12:39 pm Anjali Says:
What? Your fever isn’t high enough for Tamiflu?

No justice, I tell you.
On November 5th, 2009 at 5:05 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
*shakes fists at sky*

I know, right?
On November 5th, 2009 at 12:39 pm Kristin Says:
I totally want to be a back up singer. Since your post while in the midst of swine flu is the inspirations, I think it should be the Notorious B.E.X. and her sows.
On November 5th, 2009 at 5:05 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
Now that would be a kick ASS name! You are full of brilliance.
On November 5th, 2009 at 12:46 pm Shana Says:
Oh my God…a pig pimp with gold necklaces & rings on every finger! Ya know, because the swine flu has made you it’s bitch, ha! Hope you feel better soon!
On November 5th, 2009 at 4:54 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
This idea gets better and better the more we add to it. Seriously.
On November 5th, 2009 at 12:46 pm stacey@Havoc&Mayhem Says:
I’d love to sing back up for the Notorious B.E.X. and as long as I don’t have to do more than say stuff like ‘uh huh”, “That right” and “mmm-hmm” I doubt the audience would mind either.
On November 5th, 2009 at 4:54 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
I think that would be perfectly acceptable, actually.
On November 5th, 2009 at 12:50 pm Brianna Says:
I totally want a t-shirt with the piggy defendant on it. Ghetto fab-oo-lus, baby.

Also? Kick that swine flu ass. You can do eet!
On November 5th, 2009 at 4:53 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
I am going to have to punch out a couple of my teeth to make this believable.
On November 5th, 2009 at 12:51 pm swirl girl Says:
{{sounds of the vinyl scratching on the turntable and that weird beat box noise that those guys make }}

hellz-yes!
On November 5th, 2009 at 4:52 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
Bust a beat box, baby!
On November 5th, 2009 at 12:54 pm Stephanie Says:
You ARE the “Notorious B.E.X”! and your first conjested rap album should be titled:
“Bring me my vodka beeotch”
or
“The Vodka Chronicles”
or
“Don’t rock no crotch with the swine flu puffs”

Yeah, apparently I need more coffee or xanax. I can’t decide.
Love reading your blog. It makes me laugh, smile and snort.
On November 5th, 2009 at 4:52 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
Those are all going to be tracks on my first album.
On November 5th, 2009 at 12:56 pm Badass Geek Says:
Didn’t this whole H1N1 thing start in Mexico? Blame the Mexicans.
On November 5th, 2009 at 12:56 pm Mrs Soup Says:
Ha! I won’t punish everyone’s ears with my singing, so instead, I’ll be your dancer/choreographer. How’s that?
On November 5th, 2009 at 4:25 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
You can totally be my dancer. Or the lady in the background of my music video on the pimped out Ferrari.
On November 5th, 2009 at 1:00 pm Caron Says:
Can’t sing. Get better soon!
On November 5th, 2009 at 4:24 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
You can be my cage dancer.
On November 5th, 2009 at 1:03 pm Kelly Says:
I love the Peoples Court, can I be your angry witness?
On November 5th, 2009 at 4:24 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
You have to run in and demand a paternity test. It doesn’t matter that we’re both female. Then you have to be my angry witness. After that, we tear our shirts off in anger when it’s revealed that I am not the father.
On November 5th, 2009 at 1:06 pm kbrients Says:
Yeah– I don’t ‘Tweet’ So you need to share number 2 already!
On November 5th, 2009 at 4:22 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
*cackles* You just wait until Tuesday.
On November 5th, 2009 at 1:12 pm a Says:
I think your fever is getting an inferiority complex. I hope that means it will go and hide in a corner and leave you alone.
On November 5th, 2009 at 4:21 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
My fever totally feels inferior since the nurse at the doctor’s office was all ‘IT’S NOT HIGH ENOUGH’ in this haughty voice and then I cried because I NEVER run fevers and I felt like I was a special snowflake for once in my life.

Turns out, I’m not.
On November 5th, 2009 at 4:35 pm a Says:
Oh, you are a special snowflake! You’re the Notorious BEX!
On November 5th, 2009 at 1:22 pm GingerB Says:
Bex, you are a machine. Normal people go to bed when they have the ‘flu, you know. I will be your backup singer. I couldn’t carry a tune if it had a handle but I have a lot of spunk and I like to shake my ass a lot. But no spandex. No. NO.
On November 5th, 2009 at 4:20 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
I’m so fucking tired of my bed I could scream. And you can be my backup singer. You don’t have to actually SING. Just shake your ass and pretend.
On November 5th, 2009 at 1:38 pm Jenn Says:
What ARE all the things you would do if you had a penis?
On November 5th, 2009 at 4:20 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
Wait until Tuesday. You’ll find out….
On November 5th, 2009 at 1:45 pm 3xE Says:
I will only be a back-up singer if I get to wear a black sparkly top and have an awesome ‘fro.
Sorry about your flu. I get the “seasonal” flu once every 15 months. I finally got a flu shot this year, and the lady behind me in line says, “You know that’s not for swine flu.” I told her I hadn’t had my ass kicked by it yet, so I’m sticking with protecting myself against the flu that I actually get. “You could still get swine flu.”
“You keep breathing out your mouth like that, and we all will.”
On November 5th, 2009 at 4:20 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
Baby, you can wear whatever you want, so long as you can sway in time with the other back up singers and occasionally go “oooooh yeah.”
On November 5th, 2009 at 1:48 pm Krissa Says:
I’m pretty sure you can only sue pigs on The People’s Court if you have a penis. 😉
On November 5th, 2009 at 4:18 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
I can grow one. Or strap one on. Or pretend.
On November 5th, 2009 at 1:52 pm p jane Says:
1: the number of staples it would have taken to secure the envelope

12: the number of staples actually used to secure said envelope

3: the number of wounds received trying to remove contents from envelope

27: the number of times a day I remind myself how thankful I am to have a job

Stay hydrated, don’t kill the Daver and feel better soon.
On November 5th, 2009 at 4:18 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
Having a job is full of The Awesome.
On November 5th, 2009 at 1:56 pm Heatehr Says:
Hope you feel better soon!!
On November 5th, 2009 at 4:17 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
Thanks, lover. Give your boy big snuggles for me. I remember getting my tonsils out. I was MUCH older.
On November 5th, 2009 at 1:59 pm avasmommy Says:
If you start getting classy, I’m unfollowing. 😛

*Waving* from the land of the swine flu.

Hope you feel better soon.
On November 5th, 2009 at 4:17 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
Baby, I’ll never get classy. Don’t worry.
On November 5th, 2009 at 2:12 pm TJ Says:
I can’t sing at all, but I am totally willing to back that thing up for you.
On November 5th, 2009 at 4:17 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
You could play the triangle. Or maybe just thrash around in the background looking fierce and going “ooooh yeah.”

Shit, am I thinking of the gigantic Kool-Aid pitcher?
On November 5th, 2009 at 2:21 pm MamaSkates Says:
i can’t sing…but i’ll totally b 1 or ur roadies!
On November 5th, 2009 at 4:16 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
You’d make a KILLER roadie!
On November 5th, 2009 at 2:23 pm Martha at A Sense of Humor Says:
Hell to the Yeah I will be your back up singer, Bee Hive Hair and all!
I hope you feel better soon. Daughter sounds cute enjoying her kibble.
Your husband’s crunchy is so loud, it hurts my head too.
On November 5th, 2009 at 4:15 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
Oh you totally need a bee hive. You’re going to be hot and sexy. Be prepared for some sequined dresses and choreographed dancing.
On November 5th, 2009 at 2:26 pm Mwa Says:
I’m much classier than you, because my baby ate cat food! (Regurgitated by a cat. Dammit.)

Get better!
On November 5th, 2009 at 4:12 pm toywithme Says:
Now THAT’S classy!
On November 5th, 2009 at 4:14 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
Oh, could she reach the cat food, or if she found cat barf, she’d be ALL OVER IT.
On November 5th, 2009 at 2:37 pm Amanda Says:
The only time I’ve been the backup singer was when I was on my honeymoon and totally wasted (yeah, that’s a surprise). I was told though that I was pretty good. I actually remember it so it must not have been too far into the night. 🙂

I’ll be a backup singer if I can stand in the dark and say ooohh baby baby baby. I’ll sound like I’m coming out of the speakers but I figure that’s okay with you. 🙂

I hope you feel better and that Dave stops munching tater chips. Really, he should know better. *giggle*
On November 5th, 2009 at 4:14 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
He nearly had his head chewed off for eating chips so loudly while I was thisclose to puking AND had a migraine. Really, it was kind of mean. JERK.
On November 5th, 2009 at 2:48 pm Lucy Cooper Says:
forty-six: times in the last four days I have asked, “Why, God, do you allow a baby to become so congested that he cannot breathe, which means he cannot SLEEP?”
On November 5th, 2009 at 4:13 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
Breast-milk up the nose? Phone book propping up one side of the crib to induce drainage?

I got nothing.

Good luck.
On November 5th, 2009 at 2:52 pm Lola Says:
No, I won’t be your backup singer. I would, however, be your drummer or cage dancer.

Feel better, girl! I’m teetering on the edge of sickness myself. The menfolk have been toxic for days and seem determined to take me down with them. The fuckers!!

Oh, and the pig flu started right here in the US of A, not Mexico, so leave the Mexicans alone!
On November 5th, 2009 at 4:13 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
You’d be a hot cage dancer. And don’t worry, I’ll be putting pigs on trial. Pigs wearing bling. But it’ll be on The People’s Court, so, you know, it might get rowdy.
On November 5th, 2009 at 3:11 pm DG at Diaryofamadbathroom Says:
I DO hope that when you dream of what you’d do with your wang, you have made yourself LARGE and in charge. Because, it is critical that you are able to fling it over your shoulder, jump rope with it and of course have enough wee wee to sign the snow Love and Kisses, Notirious BEX.
On November 5th, 2009 at 4:12 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
I will totally do awesome things with my wang. JUST WAIT.
On November 5th, 2009 at 3:12 pm Lori in Denver Says:
You are the most prolific person I have ever come across.

How do you DO it!?
On November 5th, 2009 at 4:11 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
Apparently, I am part robot. Too bad my immune system is human.
On November 5th, 2009 at 3:20 pm carissajaded Says:
I’m sorry you still don’t feel well!

As for the penis thing.. you do realize that all of your followers are really expecting that post?? I know i’ve been anticipating it since your tweet last night!
On November 5th, 2009 at 4:11 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
Oh have no fear, this will be epic. And probably nonsensical, since I’m still sick as shit, but wait until Tuesday. This is gonna RULE.
On November 5th, 2009 at 3:30 pm LeahKitten Says:
Dammit Becky, I thought this was going to be about what you’d do if you had a penis OR some lyrics from your new gansta rap album. Tease.
On November 5th, 2009 at 4:10 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
Next Tuesday, you’ll be reading all about what I would do with a penis. *cackles*
On November 5th, 2009 at 3:38 pm joann Mannix Says:
If you had a penis you could chew really, really loudly. I know because the only person in my house with a penis does not understand the concept of chewing quietly. In fact, penises seem to be so mystified by the chewing quietly concept that the penis in our house, dared to say to me, “You’ve got a problem,” when I went off on said penis. Sometimes, I have to leave the room when the penis is chewing.

And go ahead, kick that swine flu’s ass. You know you can.You are indomitable, the proof being in that you are blogging and tweeting and listening to your husband chew, all while being held hostage by the mean, old pig, Feel better.
On November 5th, 2009 at 4:10 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
I do not understand why they chew so loudly. I do not understand it at all. I think I should sue penises for chewing so loudly. THAT would make an epic episode of The People’s Court, don’t you think? Aunt Becky Versus A Penis.
On November 5th, 2009 at 3:54 pm foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog) Says:
14 – Days my husband has been sick.

110 – dollars I spent on tickets to see Anthony Bourdain tonight.

0 – how not hot my date with my mom rather than my husband will be tonight when I use those tickets to go see Anthony Bourdain.

Hooray!!
On November 5th, 2009 at 4:09 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
*ahem* Anthony Bourdain is my boyfriend, you know. So don’t get any ideas, okay? Or I will CUT YOU.
On November 6th, 2009 at 12:00 pm Erica Says:
Get in line sista! Anthony Bourdain is mine!
On November 6th, 2009 at 2:13 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
Oh baby, I’ll fight you for Bourdain.
On November 5th, 2009 at 4:17 pm gaylin Says:
My ex didn’t chew loud – in order to chew loudly you have to actually chew your food!

I am sitting at work spreading cold germs everywhere. Got off the bus on the way here and started sneezing. Don’t want the hamthrax so it is a cold and just a cold!

Great I get a 3 day weekend and a cold.

Get better Notorious Bex – if you don’t write, I won’t laugh out loud at work.
On November 5th, 2009 at 4:21 pm toywithme Says:
Dammit Becky – Now I really want a penis. It is the one thing I need to complete my ultimate goal in life. Pee my name in the snow. Yup, I need a penis.

Oh, and you need to keep tipping that glass of vodka. It will kill what ails you. Cheers, to feeling better.
On November 5th, 2009 at 4:36 pm gaylin Says:
I don’t want to be a back-up singer, I want to be your GROUPIE!
I will buy a lighter and scream and cry while you are on stage.
I will send you many many letters written in lipstick.
I will send you Canadian vodka . . .

Oh oh oh it is Bex! The Notorious B.E.X.
Picture me swooning at work.
On November 5th, 2009 at 4:39 pm Kyddryn Says:
Aww, sugar, I’m sorry you’re feelin’ puny. That’s Southern for “sick as a dog”. Not that I’m southern, really…I wasn’t born here and despite living here long enough to have gone native, I’m still legally a “Damn Yankee!!”

Ahem.

Anyway, I hope your recovery hurries the hell up…and if I could think of a way to get it to you before it spoiled, I’d send ya some home made soup.

As an aside – my grandmother had a recipe for soup she swore by for curing the flu. Only trouble is, the main ingredient is just a little unlawful to grow or consume, thanks to prohibition. Sigh…another example if how government interference with healthcare screws the consumer.

Meanwhile, if you soak the Daver’s chips in the dog water, I bet Amelia would be delighted and the chips wouldn’t be as crunchy. Just a thought.

Shade and Sweetwater,
K
On November 5th, 2009 at 5:10 pm Dual Mom Says:
In your current state you’d appreciate the email I received this morning that I posted on my blog – all about the “wine” flu.

I hope you feel better soon!
On November 5th, 2009 at 5:21 pm Dual Mom Says:
I just read everyone’s comments. My daughter just asked me why I’m laughing so hysterically at my computer.

I want to be the road manager to this awesome group of gals. I can’t sing worth shit.
On November 5th, 2009 at 5:46 pm stephen geevers Says:
Tell your singers to back up if they are “mouth breathing snot faucets” (GLEE). And remember the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal one is the taste.
On November 5th, 2009 at 5:59 pm Coco Says:
If I had a penis I would totally write my name in the snow with pee.

You can use that one if you didn’t already have it down.

You’re welcome.
On November 5th, 2009 at 6:21 pm Melia Says:
So, does this mean you don’t care if I steal your penis blog idea? Because, really, that would be awesome… mostly because you’re powerless to stop me.
On November 5th, 2009 at 7:14 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
Of course you can! And I’m running mine on Tuesday over at Toy With Me. It freaking RULES.
On November 5th, 2009 at 6:22 pm Becca Says:
I’ll be your backup singer anytime, please!!!!
On November 5th, 2009 at 7:14 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
Obviously you’re in, my friend!
On November 5th, 2009 at 6:29 pm kys Says:
Thinking about “if I had a penis” is making me think of “What would you do for a Klondike Bar?” Right now I would rather have a Klondike Bar than a penis.

I have no skillz for this freak show of awesomeness.

I hope you feel better soon!
On November 5th, 2009 at 7:14 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
I’m savoring all your blog posts, I hope you know, in my reader for when I have a moment to read them.

Also, I want a Klondike bar. Haven’t had one in years.
On November 5th, 2009 at 6:39 pm Marinka Says:
The fuck? THIS got 111 comments? Oh, I see you replied to everyone. Twice.
I hope that you feel better. I’m sure that your People’s Court episodes will be picked up. Judge Wapner would be all over it. And you.
On November 5th, 2009 at 7:13 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
Don’t threaded comments make me look awesome?

Also, People’s Court will totally eat my shit up. Not literally, of course, because that would be wrong.
On November 5th, 2009 at 7:03 pm Jennifer June Says:
This little piggy threw down
Dirty Sow
Truffle bag boy… I don’t know, I’m too tired..I tried.

Thank you for the chip thing and your inadvertent validation.
My boyfriend gets to stick around a little longer, chomping and smacking his way through Cigarettes and Romance. It’s not a big deal. It’s just… that how often does one get to hear James Gandolfini AND Steve Buscemi sing in a musical?
“Wha? crunch, munch, slobber, chew.”
“Nothing.”
On November 5th, 2009 at 8:03 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
Normally, it doesn’t bother me, but today, it was like tiny needles of doom, boring into my soul.

GAH.
On November 5th, 2009 at 7:11 pm Ms. Moon Says:
Oh dear. You better get better before you lose your mind.
On November 5th, 2009 at 8:04 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
Oh Ms. Moon, my mind is lost.
On November 5th, 2009 at 7:24 pm Claire Gregory Says:
OMFG. What. Please, please, tell me. What. Is. So. Good. About that frigging dog water? I can’t keep my kid out of it, either- and “gleeful” doesn’t even begin to describe it. I caught her before she got to it last night because she was crawling towards it and pausing every few seconds to stick her hand up in the air and scrunch her fingers into a fist (practicing, because that’s what she likes to do with the water). It was particularly silly.
On November 5th, 2009 at 8:10 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
Alex did the SAME thing! It was SO GROSS. I caught him drinking out of it before I could stop him (how do they get so FAST?) and man, the water table I got for him is going to be so happily used by her.
On November 5th, 2009 at 7:41 pm The Only Girl Says:
Poor you! Get well soon my dear Aunt Becky.
On November 5th, 2009 at 8:16 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
Thank you, my friend. I’ll try.
On November 5th, 2009 at 7:42 pm Dawn Says:
You got me, baby. I sing alto.

Get better soon!
On November 5th, 2009 at 8:16 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
I sing badly. Which is why I’ll rap.
On November 5th, 2009 at 9:00 pm Aunt Juicebox Says:
I bet you didn’t know this but I’m married to a famous rapper. Mike Jones. I’m serious.
On November 5th, 2009 at 9:29 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
Now I am seething with envy and jealousy and preparing your demise.
On November 5th, 2009 at 9:03 pm tangeria Says:
chewing noises are equal to and as bad as fingernails on a chalkboard. MY husband had speakers installed in his jaw muscles just to driver me nuts(ier). at least that is my only explanation for the ungodly loud sounds coming from across the couch. NOBODY chews that loudly without doing so on purpose, and with amplification.
hope your poor head and fever feel better soon, or at least get upgraded to “tamiflu worthy”…
On November 5th, 2009 at 9:29 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
I think that Daver totally had speakers put into his jaw too! And his throat! So he could gulp while he drank in a way that made me want to kick his throat in!

OH! And I cannot comment on your blog. Your word verification thingy won’t scroll down for me. And then I cry because I want to comment. SAD FACE.
On November 5th, 2009 at 9:03 pm TheBeerLady Says:
I can’t be a back-up singer. I’m sorry, it just isn’t in me. But I would so totally be the rockin’ bitch on the drums, wearing the black leather short shorts and black Doc Martens and the black leather push-up bra that the girls are practically falling out of. (And we’ll pretend that I actually have the body to wear said outfit, because that’s my fantasy rock’n’roll bitch outfit.) Or I can wear the same outfit and play bass. Or pretend to, which is OK, because Sid Vicious couldn’t actually play bass either, but that didn’t stop him from becoming rich and famous. (And dead, but that’s beside the point.) We’ll have to find someone to be the floor sweeper, though, ’cause the guys are all going to be totally drooling over the sex appeal with this bunch on stage.

And then I’d have a really good excuse to keep my pink hair. And yes, it’s really got pink stripes in it. Fuchsia, really.
On November 5th, 2009 at 9:30 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
Pink hair is why I think I might be in love with you. OKAY, nevermind, I was in love with you before. And you can totally play drums. OR you can just strut around looking surly or sexy. Or some combination thereof. Whatever you feel like.
On November 5th, 2009 at 9:57 pm TheBeerLady Says:
Well, I’m totally good at strutting and looking surly. I do it every morning before coffee. So I’ll have to play bass. Because no matter how cool you are, you can’t really strut and play drums at the same time. Unless you’re wearing those marching-band kind of drums. It’s hard to look cool if you’re creating flashbacks to high school band geeks. Even with pink hair.
On November 5th, 2009 at 9:05 pm Nyx Says:
Chomp Chomp Chomp.
On November 5th, 2009 at 9:30 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
Nom nom nom nom.

Now I will cut off your head.
On November 5th, 2009 at 9:27 pm Joan Says:
You are too damn popular, and I can’t spend time reading all these comments to see if anyone else busted their sphincter laughing to the image of a pig bedecked with gold chains. High-larious. Bedecked makes me think of bedazzled, too, which I think this pig’s sunglasses were.
On November 5th, 2009 at 9:42 pm Rachel Says:
Track #1 “Tricked Out Pig”

Yo’ fever spiked a Benjamin
Yo’ forehead feels hawt as sin
Shakin’, sweatin’, head poundin’
Sure as shit, ill soundin’

Ya gotz the swiiiiiiine flu
Whatchya goin’ do?
Bitch and moan ’til we feel bad for you?

(Chorus)
Nah, take it to the blog! Take it to the blog! The blog, the motherf*ckin’ blog! Hey Internet (What?) Hell Internet (What, what?)!

etc.

Bravo for being a trooper, I know it must suck, but you’re making us all laugh, and that’s gotta count. If the CD ever gets off the ground, I want to be part of it. I can be the one holding your gold chains in the background.
On November 5th, 2009 at 9:44 pm panamahat Says:
Sorry to hear of your illness. Do hope you perk up very soon. xx
On November 5th, 2009 at 9:45 pm boobarella Says:
penis penis penis, penis all day long, penis penis penis, sing the penis song!

woo!
On November 6th, 2009 at 12:16 am Notesfromthegrove Says:
I will be your back-up singer, dancer, make-out partner ANYTIME!
On November 6th, 2009 at 7:05 am ken Says:
holy shit this has a lot of comments
On November 6th, 2009 at 1:42 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
Only because I’m an asshole who responds to my comments. That makes me look impossibly cooler than I am.
On November 6th, 2009 at 7:14 am Sam Says:
OH EM GEE. While normally I *always* side with All Things Holy (such as any woman’s side of the story), I have to give The Daver some sympathy. Apparently, according to my husband (The Man) I ONLY eat crunchy food (to torture him) and my mouth is exceptionally thin because he can hear it across the room. Thus, Doritos cause him significant distress. Normally his complaining makes me want to hit him in the face a little, but I guess maybe he just has bionic ears. It *obviously* isn’t ME. Love him Becky, it isn’t his fault. Unless he chews with his mouth open, and then all bets are off… 😉
On November 6th, 2009 at 1:42 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
I think maybe you should be married to The Daver.
On November 6th, 2009 at 7:16 am Kristine Says:
My fever isn’t good enough either. They probably went to fever school together and had crappy teachers or something.
On November 6th, 2009 at 1:45 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
I think our fevers were in detention together.
On November 6th, 2009 at 7:38 am dubiousMa Says:
You’re still sick, aren’t you? Delirious perhaps? Back away from the keyboard!
On November 6th, 2009 at 1:46 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
TOTALLY DELIRIOUS. It was the rap album idea, wasn’t it?

SHIT, I knew someone would figure me out. I’d be a terrible rapper.
On November 6th, 2009 at 9:00 am Dot Says:
New people keep following me on Twitter and I haven’t tweeted in months. They seem to think it’s cool to follow a lot of people. I think you should be sent to the Mommy Farm immediately (see my post on that last year) and TOTALLY pampered until you get well. Tamiflu pills should be placed in a necklace around your neck so yuo can have one whenever you want.
On November 6th, 2009 at 1:48 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
Twitter is weird like that. Some of the people I can honestly not tell if they’re human or not. Which ruins Twitter for me. Such are the breaks.
On November 6th, 2009 at 9:06 am Painted Maypole Says:
i’ll be you backup singer if I can dance, too.
On November 6th, 2009 at 1:48 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
You’d BETTER dance!
On November 6th, 2009 at 9:28 am Sandy Says:
323-Number of my Twitter followers who are not you
1-Number of my Twitter followers who ARE you (because there is only one you)
6-Number of times you have commented on my blog
17-Number of times each day I check to see if you’ve updated
3,547-Number of times you’ve rolled your eyes, deleted your email, read my comments, etc. and wondered how you could get rid of your very short stalker with a girl crush
On November 6th, 2009 at 1:49 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
I would NEVER delete an email or a comment from you! Besides, I need more stalkers. Especially if they’re not scary. And you’re not scary.

You’ll get more Twitter people. I promise.
On November 6th, 2009 at 9:32 am leanne Says:
In my mind I can dance AND sing. Maybe that’s still the flu talking. But my kids don’t seem embarrassed by it yet. So I’m in, if you’ll have me 🙂

(just ignore my coughing for now… it does go away eventually, I’m told. Though it does make my voice sound even sexier… )
On November 6th, 2009 at 2:09 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
I’m thinking if I fail at blogging, I can become a phone sex operator. My voice is all raspy now too!
On November 6th, 2009 at 11:04 am Beautiful Mess Says:
Yes, I’ll be your back up singer. Actually, I can’t sing, how about we get a stripper pole and I dance on that? I’ve got PLENTY of skimpy clothing for the job. Plus, rappers=strippers! At least that’s what the videos are telling me. We’ll make it rain bills, yo!

Get better, love!
*HUGS*
On November 6th, 2009 at 2:10 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
Sounds hot as hell, baby. We can do it.
On November 6th, 2009 at 11:53 am amy d Says:
Aw, Bex! I wish I could swoop you up and drop you in a quiet kid/pet free place while you recooperate from your piggy sickness:(

Love you, doll! Feel better!
On November 6th, 2009 at 2:10 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
I would love to sit in front of a television and lay there by myself recovering. Can you imagine the bliss? ME EITHER.

*sighs*

Oh well.
On November 6th, 2009 at 12:26 pm Rebecca Says:
I’m praying for peaceful days while you recover. I hope you feel better very soon. Take it easy, and sleep as much as possible. If you’re still sick and reading this, put a movie on for your little angels and go to sleep.
On November 6th, 2009 at 2:14 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
If I could put on a movie and not have Alex try to peck out my eyeballs, man, that would be awesome. I’ll be okay. I think I’m on the mend (crosses fingers).

Thank you so much for your prayers, my friend.
On November 6th, 2009 at 12:38 pm Mama Cas Says:
I’m a loud chewer (is that seriously a word?). As a matter of fact, I read your post while eating Funyuns. They are the food of the gods, in case you didn’t know.

Hope you’re feeling better soon!
On November 6th, 2009 at 2:14 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
Funyuns are Of The Gods. And I adore them.
On November 6th, 2009 at 10:32 pm Chris Mancini Says:
Why is petfood so appealing to kids? Do they know something we don’t?
On November 7th, 2009 at 8:22 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
Perhaps they’re more closely related to dogs.
On November 8th, 2009 at 9:32 am tryingin2007 Says:
I feel like I’ve watched you grow up! such a popular lass!

🙂
On November 8th, 2009 at 12:04 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
Aw, you saw me in my Superwoman TRAINING BRA.

(I totally had a Superwoman training bra, you know).
On November 10th, 2009 at 1:50 am MLorraine Says:
I initially read that as “raping a hardcore gangsta rap album” which I think is also appropriate to the situation. Just sayin’.
On November 10th, 2009 at 11:18 am Your Aunt Becky Says:
It’s totally appropriate to the situation.
On November 11th, 2009 at 7:50 am Kendra Says:
I would totally be your backup singer. And after my terrible, horrible, no good, very bad night with cranky husband and child and weird dreams about showering in the dining room (why am I always showering in inappropriate places in my dreams?)… the image of the pid defendant on the People’s Court made me smile. Thank you!
On November 11th, 2009 at 10:54 am Your Aunt Becky Says:
Dude. You HAVE to be my backup singer. You HAVE to.
On December 19th, 2009 at 9:25 am The Vicious Martha Stewart In My Head Is Distracted By Blatant Sexism at Mommy Wants Vodka Says:
[…] is very evident in such places as my blog, which is never, ever neglected, whether I have the swine flu or am deep with in the withdrawal effects from prescription sleep aids and my orchids, which are […]
On December 19th, 2009 at 9:34 pm RapFanatic Says:
They say gangsta rap is dead! I dissagree, we’re just changing the way we do things. Check out Kryptik – V.I.P Ft. Crooked I It’s a fusion track, straight Banging! I put their link in my info, or you can just google the track. It’s available everywhere… key like