Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Blame Canada!


So, I can’t respond to your answers to my last post in email like I normally do because it adds comments, but you guys are FUNNY. And also, most of you corrected my typo from question 4 “your” should have been “you’re” and yes, that was TOTALLY my bad. But you guys are full of THE FUNNY and I recommend that you read all of the answers that everyone is giving because, well, they’re awesome and it proves that I have the best people in the blog-o-sphere, SO THERE.

Next week, I’m going to see if I can get that bitch Mr. Linky to work so we can play that way.

Be sure to enter and play along because it’s fun. And, no, FTC Guidelines Person, I didn’t get paid a cent or get a thing for promoting my friend’s book. I am just a Special Person.


It may shock and dismay some of you to learn that I have friends. Well, I do. Like Sci-Fi Dad, from Tales From The Dad Side, for example. I overlook his Canadian-ness and like him anyway because I am a VERY special person. Well, my friend Sci-Fi got stood up for an interview, which I thought was actually kind of funny, but after I stopped laughing, I did what any friend who had already badgered her way into an interview with him would do: I graciously offered to be his interviewer.

I cannot believe he accepted, but he did.

Aunt Becky (only 29 minutes late to our scheduled interview time. A personal record!): dude. LOOKIT ME BEING HERE AND STUFF. I’m sorry I am late. I am a very bad friend.

Aunt Becky: So, Sci-Fi, my friend, for the first of my VERY IMPORTANT questions, on your ice cream, do you like sprinkles?

SciFi: No, I do not. I am more of a caramel sauce and whipped cream kind of guy. Oh, and bacon.

Aunt Becky (amazed): Would you put bacon on your ice cream?

SciFi: I would just eat bacon. Why cool it down with frozen dairy?

Aunt Becky: Really, everything is better with bacon.

SciFi: Everything.

Aunt Becky: Do you have bacon in Canada?

SciFi: We do. We have strip bacon AND back bacon (which I believe you call “Canadian bacon”)

Aunt Becky: I thought Canadian bacon was just more polite bacon. Because, you know, you guys are all polite and adorable. Bwahahahahahaha! Seriously, can I just follow you around for awhile so that I may revel in your niceness?


Aunt Becky: Is that a bomb?

SciFi: No, it’s a 7 minute youtube about bacon making everything better. But I’m more concerned with this misnomer that I am nice. Where did that vicious rumour start?

Aunt Becky: I think it’s just the general belief that Canadians say “ya” a lot and stand around being polite and nice to each other. It’s okay. I’m from the Midwest. Everyone assumes I have thick ankles.

SciFi: Also, I know about Midwest girls and their cankles

Aunt Becky: My ankles are quite prim, thank you.

Aunt Becky: And your cigarette packs have diseased lungs on them.

SciFi: When I was smoking, they had warnings… Now they have gross pictures.

Aunt Becky: ‘SMOKING WILL KILL YOU DEAD.’ Here they just say that smoking may cause low birthweight. Which, uh, okay. If you’re not pregnant or a fetus, that’s okay.

SciFi: People sold imitation stickers that went over the warnings that said stuff like “Smoking makes your penis bigger” or “Smoking is for the cool kids”

Aunt Becky: That’s it. I’m packing up and moving to Canada AND taking up smoking again.

(SciFi is very, very quiet at this proclamation)

Aunt Becky: Okay, so at some point in your life you lived above a strip joint, which had to have been kind of awesome. Was it as debaucherous as it sounded? And did I spell debaucherous right?

SciFi: Your spelling is accurate. It actually was as debaucherous as it sounds, but not for the reasons one would assume. I actually only went to that particular club once; it was overpriced and geared to the rich businessman set.

SciFi: HOWEVER, from my door, it was a five minute walk to seven other (more economical) strip joints and three sex shops

SciFi: I was 23, single, and made more money than I knew what to do with Also, it was Montreal, so the lines are a little more blurry.

Aunt Becky: Please tell me that you bought a large black fist from one of the sex toy shops and allowed someone to beat you about the head with it. Because I really need that mental picture.

SciFi: No, I did not. I never bought anything from the sex shops, and the one time I ventured into one, I was drunk. So I remember little.

Aunt Becky: Okay, so I’m going to pretend that the answer is yes. Because you don’t remember.

SciFi: OK.

Aunt Becky: You’re stuck on a desert island with a choice of either listening to Miley Cyrus or Britney Spears and you have to choose one. Who is it?

SciFi: I drown myself in the water.

Aunt Becky: ….

SciFi: OK fine, if I have to choose, I’d choose Britney, because she looks more slutty in her CD liners.

Aunt Becky: Okay, same desert island. 5 artists that you can have all of their works. Who?

SciFi: The Beatles (because a) they have a HUGE catalog and 2) they are full of awesome)

Aunt Becky: Oh totally.

SciFi: U2 (because I have listened to them since I was in the third grade and love them)

Led Zeppelin (at this point people want to know if I’ll choose something from outside the British Isles)

Nine Inch Nails (and there you go, because I am the god of fuck)


Aunt Becky: Britney Spears?

SciFi: close, but no. Charlie Parker. I play alto sax. For the record, if their catalog was larger, Screaming Trees, Nirvana and Pearl Jam would be there.

Aunt Becky: I had no idea that you could play the sax. Rock the fuck on, yo. How long have you played?

SciFi: I started playing when I was 12, so 23 years

Aunt Becky: That would mean you are counts on fingers

Aunt Becky: (math is hard)

SciFi: 35

Aunt Becky: 7463?

Aunt Becky: I mean, 35? YAY! I was RIGHT!

SciFi: (claps sarcastically)

Aunt Becky: So, with the help of The Daver, I have a Lightening Round for YOU. Transformers or Go-Bots?

SciFi: Transformers

Aunt Becky: Transformers or Voltron?

SciFi: Voltron

Aunt Becky: Which Thundercat is your favorite?

SciFi: Panthro

Aunt Becky: Star Trek or Star Wars?

SciFi: Star Wars

Aunt Becky: Jar Jar Binks: awesome or full of the awful?


Aunt Becky: (duh)

SciFi: more egregious than Ewoks in terms of marketing to kids

Aunt Becky: Yeah, but less midgets were harmed (says the Daver)


Aunt Becky: *wrings hands*

Aunt Becky: Lego Star Wars? Amazing?

SciFi: Beyond amazing.

Aunt Becky: How did you come up with your tattoo? The large one on the top of your blog.

SciFi: it’s actually a western zodiac calendar that I designed myself using AutoCAD (a computer aided drawing program typically used in drafting) and the Wingdings font. I used AutoCAD to make a perfectly spaced 12-point sun and the font has the 12 symbols of the zodiac.

Aunt Becky (looks around nervously): Is it because YOU are the Zodiac Killer?

SciFi: I believe you have something called the fifth amendment in the US?

Aunt Becky: Uh, yes. Let’s pretend I DO NOT KNOW YOU THEN. Because this is the second interview that I might end up dead if I fuck up. How do *I* end up interviewing all of the badasses?

(frantically signs off)


In a case of mistaken identity, I’m sure, I was sent a copy of the new show Men of a Certain Age, and let me tell you, in addition to having a Letter To My Newest Television Husband, Dexter, coming on Monday, this show is my boyfriend. It’s awesome.

39 Comments to

“Blame Canada!”

  1. On December 4th, 2009 at 11:13 am Twitted by mommywantsvodka Says:

    […] This post was Twitted by mommywantsvodka […]

  2. On December 4th, 2009 at 11:39 am denise Says:

    i COMPLETLY agree with your dexter opinion!!!! is that not the GREATEST premise?????!!!!

    rock the fuck on, yo! hahahahahaha!!!!

  3. On December 4th, 2009 at 11:49 am a Says:

    You’ve just found Dexter? I like the way whoever the guy that plays Dexter channels his Six Feet Under creepiness in the right way this time.

    If your ankles are prim, does that mean that they are horrified by the behavior of the rest of you? Or maybe you meant that your ankles are trim…

  4. On December 4th, 2009 at 12:24 pm Vinomom Says:

    That was some funny shit. And I love funny shit! Guess I will go check out Sci-Fi Dad now. And yeah, if you just found Dexter, well then, you don’t deserve to be his Girlfriend.

  5. On December 4th, 2009 at 12:25 pm Blogging Mama Andrea Says:

    Love the Britney question (snort). SciFi’s top 5 music was unexpected, I didn’t expect the Beatles in there.

  6. On December 4th, 2009 at 12:26 pm Trista Says:

    Can I just say how much I’m loving the Canadian content lately?? That may have something to do with the fact that I’m Canadian….anyway, this was trés hilarious (oh, you didn’t know that we are all also bilingual? MMMmmmmm back bacon.)

  7. On December 4th, 2009 at 12:32 pm Ed Says:

    SciFi: I’d heard that your (Canada’s) music was Socialized and that EVERY citizen’s top 5 performers were Ann Murray, Joni Mitchell, Sara MacLaughlin, Neil Young and Ann Murray. Your answer leads me to believe I may have been misinformed (looking at you, Bush administration!). Perhaps you’d be kind enough to clear up a few other misconceptions we Americans have about Canada:
    1) Is it true that you all have to have sex through a hole in a sheet?
    2) Do your doctors really accept babies as payment for services rendered?
    3) Is The Red Green Show really a means of delivering encrypted messages to terrorists?
    4) Is it true that you don’t really hate America, you’re just jealous of our freedoms?
    5) Is it true that you all have your horns removed when you’re born and that those horns are used to make mortar used in the construction of government buildings?
    6) Boxers or briefs?

    By the way, your blog is awesome.

  8. On December 4th, 2009 at 12:47 pm stephanie Says:

    @Ed, Funny!

  9. On December 4th, 2009 at 12:59 pm Elly Lou Says:

    Thundercats – HO! Why doesn’t anyone ever pick Mumra?

  10. On December 4th, 2009 at 12:59 pm Kelly Says:

    YOU are one of the best people in the blog-o-sphere! You bring so many cool people together! You are Auntie to the masses. I’m loving your interviews, so fun.

  11. On December 4th, 2009 at 1:11 pm Joanna Says:

    There is no way Men of a Certain Age can be better than Jersey Shore, but I do dig Scott Bakula (since I was like 8), so I see your point.

  12. On December 4th, 2009 at 1:25 pm swirl girl Says:

    thanks for the ‘getting to know SciFi’ gig.
    If I ever get to read a book without pictures again – this sounds like a good one.

    and can’t wait for that show on TNT. It will be interesting to see Ray Romano ‘not yelling’ , still whining but not yelling.

    It’s sort of Sex and the City for dudes, right?

  13. On December 4th, 2009 at 1:27 pm Rebecca Says:

    Canada is cold. It’s cold here and I believe the weatherman blamed Canada………something about the jet stream dipping way down low and pulling air from Canada down here. Canada can take their cold weather back. I want Florida weather.

  14. On December 4th, 2009 at 1:40 pm Badass Geek Says:

    The fact that a character like Jar Jar Binks actually made it into the Star Wars franchise still makes me weep.

  15. On December 4th, 2009 at 1:47 pm Mad Woman Says:

    Jar Jar Binks should have been shot on sight, but non of us Canucks were impolite enough to do so.

    This was a great interview..and a good reminder that I should not stand up my person for the GIE

  16. On December 4th, 2009 at 2:11 pm Heather Says:

    I couldn’t name a Thundercat if my life depended on it.
    I also think that Jar Jar Binks got a bum rap.
    Obviously I’m a tard.

  17. On December 4th, 2009 at 2:17 pm carissajade Says:

    Great interview! Don’t worry I can’t do math either, even when I use my fingers. I can’t believe you solved the case of the Zodiac Killer… And you’re gonna have to fight me for Dexter!

  18. On December 4th, 2009 at 2:19 pm Steph the WonderWorrier Says:

    Yay for SciFi Dad! Good interview, very funny. I’m Canadian as well (and am practically his neighbour IRL, yo)… and I love Canadian bacon AND… I am very polite. LOL.

    But we don’t say “ya” !! It’s “EH?”. Get it RIGHT… please. And thank you.

    (The big thing about Canadians too is how often we say SORRY. We’re always saying SORRY. There’s some material for you).

  19. On December 4th, 2009 at 2:42 pm Sharon Says:

    I am Canadian and we are NOT nice so just stop saying that because we will GET you. We will ring the fuck out of your doorbell and RUN.

    So there, you… you.. niceness-accusing Americans.

  20. On December 4th, 2009 at 3:20 pm Julie Says:

    Love the post! So funny, I too, would probably pick Brit over Miley, and bacon ice cream?? There is such a thing as too much of a good thing in that case! Have a great weekend!

  21. On December 4th, 2009 at 3:40 pm 6512 and growing Says:

    (off topic, scuse me)
    Becky, just spent the kids’ naptime reading through your achives. You are a strong, brave girl, Full of The Awesome and I’m glad I found you.

  22. On December 4th, 2009 at 4:49 pm mepsipax Says:

    Funny shit as always. Time to check out sci fi dad. And bacon on ice cream. Ewwww.
    Great interview. I interviewed a blogger the other day and it was fun.
    And Lego video games are awesome.

  23. On December 4th, 2009 at 4:49 pm mepsipax Says:

    Except for the second Indiana Jones. That last movie does not deserve video game status.

  24. On December 4th, 2009 at 5:11 pm SciFi Dad Says:

    Thanks for the interview Becky.

    And Ed, I will answer the one question you REALLY wanted to know: boxer briefs.

  25. On December 4th, 2009 at 6:58 pm Jingle Says:

    good questions, blaming game may not always work but it is wise to open a discussion like this.

    feel free to visit me and share your thoughts at

    Thank you!

  26. On December 4th, 2009 at 8:22 pm Dawn Says:

    @ Ed
    1) Is it true that you all have to have sex through a hole in a sheet?

    – No. You’re thinking of Utah. We’re further north than that.

    2) Do your doctors really accept babies as payment for services rendered?

    – That’s Barbies. They accept Barbies.

    3) Is The Red Green Show really a means of delivering encrypted messages to terrorists?

    – Can’t tell you. Have to kill you.

    4) Is it true that you don’t really hate America, you’re just jealous of our freedoms?

    – Um… I’m sure we have pretty much all of the same freedoms. Plus the freedom to enjoy excellent medical care for FREE. Okay, we pay taxes for that.

    5) Is it true that you all have your horns removed when you’re born and that those horns are used to make mortar used in the construction of government buildings?

    – No. Not anymore. We have completely bred horns out of the Canadian gene pool. We’re working on getting rid of our tails next.

    6) Boxers or briefs?

    – In this climate? Are you kidding? Union suits!

  27. On December 7th, 2009 at 8:36 am Ed Says:

    Curse you, Canada! You stole my best friends (who moved there so that their marriage would be recognized) and now you’ve stolen my heart.

  28. On December 7th, 2009 at 8:37 am Ed Says:

    “There” marriage? Behold the power of the U.S. public education system!

  29. On December 7th, 2009 at 10:38 am Your Aunt Becky Says:


    (I fixed your comment for you)

  30. On December 4th, 2009 at 9:32 pm Jenn Says:

    I’ve often contemplated moving to Canada. But it has nothing to do with bacon, niceties or smoking. Surprisingly.

  31. On December 4th, 2009 at 10:13 pm Jennifer June Says:

    As a resident of Montréal myself, I have to say that no Christmas parade is complete if you’re not sitting on St-Catherine streets in a sea of drunk adults (at 10am) and shitload of squalling kids, parked outside Supersex, waiting for Santa (also drunk) to go by on the back of his brother and law’s rig.

    There is nothing like that super cheesy top 40 (from 1992) blasting over cheap speakers, along with 4 billion amps of feedback and watching Saint Nick waving as he casually passes through the blinking crotch of the neon stripper bolted precariously on the side of a building. Good times.

  32. On December 4th, 2009 at 10:33 pm dubiousMa Says:

    How much do you love “rumor” with the “u”??? Rumour….it just sounds so…..debaucherous

    *I’d like to note here that I adore Aunt Becky so much that I went to to find “debaucherous” and copied and pasted it here in this comment to get the spelling right because it was too much energy to scroll up to find it in the interview* #AwesomeMe Can I use a hashtag here? Is that allowed? God, I’m exhausted.

  33. On December 5th, 2009 at 6:58 am kbreints Says:

    OH Damn… You get around, you seem to have the Daver and a boyfreind for every day of the week. Whore. 😉

  34. On December 5th, 2009 at 8:58 am lydee Says:

    bawawawa! good stuff.

  35. On December 5th, 2009 at 9:10 am TheBeerLady Says:

    Now, this is my idea of an interview! Who knew Canadians were so funny, outside of the whole ‘eh’ thing?

    But for those of you that doubt, check out the Candied Bacon Ice cream. I dare you to tell me that recipe is not full of teh awesome. If I owned an ice cream maker, I would so make this.

  36. On December 5th, 2009 at 12:41 pm Lola Says:

    Great interview! I’ll totally agree on the lines getting blurred in Montreal premise. Everything got blurred on my frequent trips to that delicious little city of sin during Bruins/Habs playoff series. Where the hell else would I jello wrestle a half naked woman?

    As for you, missy, back the fuck off my boyfriend. I’ve been with Dexter a very, very long time and have no trouble taking out new, doe-eyed groupies!

  37. On December 6th, 2009 at 11:26 am Miss Grace Says:

    You make me laugh too hard to think of something clever to say.

  38. On December 6th, 2009 at 9:47 pm mumma boo Says:

    Wait! Scott Bakula is in a new series? Maybe I should start watching TV again.

    Great interview. Bacon ice cream, JarJar bashing, and sex shops. Won’t find that just anywhere.

  39. On December 7th, 2009 at 10:35 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    The show is AMAZING. Really, it’s going to be great.

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