Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Birth Control For The Masses


This Sunday, after attending Ben’s annual Open House at his Crunchy School, I demanded sweetly requested that The Daver take us out to one of my favorite haunts for a lunch/dinner (linner?). After much protesting, he agreed, and off we went.

Afterwards, in my quest to win the title of Most Annoying Wife ever, by rudely taking away valuable video game time, I insisted that we pop over to Target to grab some baby yogurt for the week.

As we walked in, Ben grabbed his kid’s cup and declared that he was going to throw it away inside, which was fine by me. Less crap in the car for me to throw out = happy Aunt Becky.

When we finally located a garbage can, Ben pulled the sticky straw from the cup and declared that he wanted to take it home to reuse it. Now, over the past couple of years, we at Casa de la Sausage have made quite the effort to become more Green, and I am all for any small thing we can do to accomplish that goal.

But I draw the line at bringing home straws, not because I don’t see the good in reusing them, but because a) we don’t use those straws at home, so he’s not saving anything by doing so and b) the last time he did that, the straw was left sitting on the kitchen floor for me to throw away.

(truth be told, he wanted the straw so that he could PLAY with it, which wouldn’t have bugged me in the slightest if he didn’t want to save every sticky gross thing he comes across.)

So when I rudely insisted that he toss the straw away with the rest of his sugar-drenched cup, he balked at it. I argued and he finally relented and angrily threw the straw into the garbage. It was then when he uttered the words that afforded him the Longest and Most Drawn Out Lecture From The Daver:

“FINE, Mom, if you want to KILL the EARTH!”

The words were dripping with such snot and disdain that a teenager may have been able to do it no better.

Ben: 1, Parents: 0.


Although most of my house is fairly well baby-proofed, occasionally, we will construct a makeshift gate at the edge of the couch to keep the Beast That Is Alex out of his favorite places, namely the dog dish, the cat door and his personal favorite, the toilet.

The area that he is sometimes contained in doesn’t allow us to put up a usable gate, so we usually just shove two laundry baskets in the space and call it a day. Often he will howl at this injustice, but usually he is pretty content to play in this room.

Yesterday, because I have a bladder approximately the size and shape of a Froot Loop, I ran to the bathroom for the 47th time that hour and left him in his toy filled prison, but peed with the door open so that I could listen and make sure he wasn’t trying to dismember one of the cats.

As soon as I let that flow go, I heard a strange noise: it was the noise that a sliding plastic laundry basket makes on a wooden floor. After I did my business (that’s the dumbest phrase, isn’t it?), I came back out to see the most satisfied baby on the planet.

He had hoisted his considerable weight onto the basket and pushed it out of the way, and now he sat on the kitchen floor looking like I’d just handed him a wet nurse AND a new Corvette.

Alex: 1, Parents: 0


If you want me, I’ll be in my walk-in closet popping Valium for the next 18 or so years.

posted under The Sausage Factory
21 Comments to

“Birth Control For The Masses”

  1. On March 4th, 2008 at 1:12 pm Kristen Says:

    Oh my. Lose lose all ’round for you today, hey? They sure are inventive when it suits their purpose.
    wanna share some of those pills with me???

  2. On March 4th, 2008 at 2:04 pm kim Says:

    Share the valium, My Pretty…I have children too….and my daughter is approaching the teens…all too quickly

  3. On March 4th, 2008 at 2:43 pm Leslee Says:

    Heh. Guess I forgot to close the tag on that last one. o_O

  4. On March 4th, 2008 at 3:07 pm Emily Says:

    They always win. Always.

  5. On March 4th, 2008 at 3:16 pm TheRamblingHousewife Says:

    Ummm, yeah. The birth control is very kind of you, but I got all I need right here . . .Trust me.

  6. On March 4th, 2008 at 2:42 pm Leslee Says:


    Can you not use a gate there cuzz the space is too long? Alex and I were living in a place that had GINORMOUS doorways when he was just a wee one and we had to get these gates that extended forever.

    Here’s one from Evenflow that could work. This one is similar to the style I had. I think mine was longer, though. Anyway, they kept his pyro ass outta the kitchen, so I’m betting they can contain your Beast Alex for a little while. 😛

  7. On March 4th, 2008 at 3:19 pm Angela Says:

    I stopped keeping score a long time ago. Way too depressing.

  8. On March 4th, 2008 at 5:02 pm Cricket Says:

    First off, Alex=Atlas. Yea!

    Secondly, what is it about straws? The bendy or accordion ones are impossible to clean. My kid is so junky and I just let him, until his back is turned. Will that lead to therapy?

  9. On March 4th, 2008 at 5:27 pm Andria Says:

    Your kids + my kids could be one happy hoedown. So you totally see why I have gone crazy right?

  10. On March 4th, 2008 at 4:57 pm Heather Says:

    Yeah, we get our asses kicked on a daily basis. Send some of that Valium my way, would you?

  11. On March 4th, 2008 at 5:07 pm Chris Austria Says:

    Yes, it is true the kids always win, for now. Our revenge comes when they become parents and we become grandparents…Mhuuuuaaaaaaahhhhhh…LOL


  12. On March 4th, 2008 at 6:36 pm Tracy Says:

    Your Ben story makes me very VERY afraid of the future.

  13. On March 4th, 2008 at 7:14 pm Kyddryn Says:

    Play yard XT. With the extensions. It makes a great containment area for kids, puppies, alien life forms and the like, and you can add the extensions or a whole other yard to make it bigger. We called ours the Birdcage. When Bird outgrew the space allowed by the closed yard, I broke all the rules and turned it into a fence for blocking off the massive opening between living and dining rooms. I even used the thing when we were camping, surrounding an E-Z up with it.

    Of course, they always find a way, don’t they?

    Shade and Sweetwater,

  14. On March 4th, 2008 at 9:21 pm Jerseygirl89 Says:

    Have your kids been hanging out with my kids? Sorry about that.

  15. On March 5th, 2008 at 1:30 am DrowseyMonkey Says:

    lol @ fruit loop sized bladder. Did I mention I don’t have kids or a husband? 🙂

  16. On March 5th, 2008 at 12:39 pm Doc Says:

    I love your stories so much!

    BTW – I loved the fruit loop sized blader line too.

  17. On March 5th, 2008 at 1:53 pm b Says:

    Hi, I found you via Milk Induced Coma. Milk Maid told me..”you’ve got to go read this blog, she’ll make you pee your pants laughing.” Apparently, I like to pee my pants..because here I am. Very funny stuff, I enjoyed my visit. : )

  18. On March 5th, 2008 at 2:21 pm kbreints Says:

    Yep– Kids are SO much smarter than we are aren’t they? Oh it is a daily battle!

  19. On March 5th, 2008 at 4:58 pm Amy Says:

    I’m glad I’m not the only one who has an escape artist for a child..and I have to agree that the fruit loop sized bladder had me laughing out loud too.

  20. On March 5th, 2008 at 6:13 pm niobe Says:

    Too funny. Waaaaay too funny.

  21. On March 7th, 2008 at 5:38 pm honeywine Says:

    ROFL I love it. Those little milestones that fill you with dread. I felt the same way yesterday when Will told me that Pascal had jumped up into his truck without help…our bed can’t be far away…

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