Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Because The Best Thing About Humiliation Is Sharing It


When Ben was about 2 and a half–maybe a little closer to 3–Potty Training began in earnest. We lived with my then-boyfriend The Daver part time and we made sure that any time that we used the bathroom, Ben was dragged in with us. Just so he got the idea.

(perhaps, as an aside here, if I may–and I always may–this is why my children all flock to the bathroom the moment my pants are unzipped. It’s the hang out spot in my house)

We were especially vigilant to make sure that whenever the other member of our household with a penis (this would be The Daver) used the can, Ben was there. Because he also had a penis. And a weenis for a father. Nat was too wrapped up in his hatred of me to bother handling the potty training.

So Sausages UNITE! was the bathroom motto. We made sure that we answered any questions Ben had, made sure that we weren’t too prude about our bodies lest he get all squigged out by them, and allowed him to help with whatever function he could. Just so he got the idea. My parents ARE hippies after all.

This included, flushing, washing hands, and grabbing toilet paper when needed. With this kind of prep, I’m amazed that wiping his ass isn’t more of a thrill for him. But I digress.

One day, as Dave was peeing, Ben got the idea in his head that he wanted to help Daver aim it. So he asked nicely if he could. My poor flustered soon-to-be husband didn’t know what to do so he agreed. I was standing in the doorway watching this and I can tell you that I’ve not seen Dave so red-faced before. And he never allowed Ben to do it again.

A couple of weeks later, we took Ben out to dinner in Oak Park, near Dave’s apartment.

(Oak Park, for those not in the know, is a town filled with a weird yuppie/hippie hybrid. Often, these people engage in competitions to see who can be greener and shop and Whole Foods more often. While driving Escalades. It’s a strange mix of people.)

During dinner, The Daver had to use the bathroom, and per our arrangement, he took Ben in with him (I always took him in with me, too, but this isn’t really pertinent to the story save to assure you that I did my share of potty training work). I’d gotten the check as they were off having a Sausage Party and had thrown my card down to pay for it and relishing the relative silence.

Like a whirlwind, a red-faced Dave and an oblivious looking Ben flew out of the bathroom and Dave practically shrieked “We need to leave NOW!” Dave is easily the most even-tempered person I know and not prone to hysterics or teeth-gnashing, so I was taken aback. I immediately assumed that he’d plugged up the toilet and a mixture of poo-soup was now overtaking the bathroom.

I signed the check and bundled up, preparing to go out to the car.

As we hustled out, he told me what had happened in a panicked, rushed voice, looking over his shoulder every couple of seconds.

“I was peeing, right? And Ben was standing RIGHT THERE. And I was JUST PEEING. And all of a sudden, Ben goes, clear as day, ‘Dave, can I hold your penis?'”

I started laughing, the tears springing easily from my eyes. This was a typical Ben thing to want to do.

“Okay, well, okay.” I gasped, laughing harder than I could ever recall.

“THEN, I realized THAT WE WEREN’T ALONE IN THE BATHROOM! Some guy was in there LISTENING to my son CALL me DAVE and ASK TO HOLD MY PENIS.”

I rubbed my side where a cramp had formed from laughing so heartily and continued laughing. I had a perfect picture of what had happened.

“We had to leave before that dude called the police or something, looking for a child molester!”

The tears were freezing in the wind, but I couldn’t hold it in. The hilarity of the situation was just too much for me. I was thisclose to peeing my pants. The LAST person on the planet to molest a child is The Daver and the ONLY person who’d come up with such a weird thing to ask is Ben.

To his credit, though, Dave maintained his sanity. And as for me, I laughed until Ben spent a good 20 minutes in the Target bathroom with me, chronicling the descent of his poop to a bathroom audience.

Then I didn’t laugh so hard.


Tell me I’m not the only one to have such a thing happen to them. My kids are ALWAYS trying to outdo each other in terms of things they can embarrass me for.

posted under The Sausage Factory
62 Comments to

“Because The Best Thing About Humiliation Is Sharing It”

  1. On May 18th, 2009 at 10:56 am The Daver Says:

    I seriously expected to see flashing cherries in my rearview as we drove away from the TGI Friday’s.

  2. On May 18th, 2009 at 11:16 am Ms. Moon Says:

    Becky, I love you but I have to say that even as a hippie I don’t think I’d let the child hold the pee-pee of the daddy. If I had any imput on the matter. I mean really- could this have turned out any differently? I don’t think so.
    Poor Daver. Ah well. Live and learn.
    And my most embarrassing child moment? When my daughter Lily threw a tantrum in a department store (a very regular occurrence back when she was two or three) and I did the only thing I could do which was to pick her up and head for the nearest exit, she began to scream at the top of her lungs, “Help! Help!”
    Yes. That is when I thought the cops would come and get me.
    Although I never did beat the child, this incident made me think maybe I should.

  3. On May 18th, 2009 at 11:17 am Lindsay Says:

    I’m laughing in my office and wiping tears from my eyes. People are looking at me like I’m crazy.

  4. On May 18th, 2009 at 11:35 am Somewhat Ordinary Says:

    At 14 months my son isn’t quite at the age where he does stuff that embarrass me, but this makes me really look forward to it!

  5. On May 18th, 2009 at 11:57 am SciFi Dad Says:

    Uh, nope. No child has ever grabbed my penis.

    (Two penis comments in a row from me!?!)

  6. On May 18th, 2009 at 11:15 am amy Says:

    “Some guy was in there LISTENING to my son CALL me DAVE and ASK TO HOLD MY PENIS.รขโ‚ฌย…..seriously, I laughed out loud at that. hilarious!!
    We haven’t hit potty training yet, but with the strong willed personality we’re dealing with, I’m sure it will be interesting!

    Hey Aunt Becky, wanna potty train Jackers for me?

  7. On May 18th, 2009 at 12:24 pm magpie Says:

    LOL – perfect.

    My kid embarrassed us in a restaurant one day:

  8. On May 18th, 2009 at 12:27 pm Ames Says:

    I literally almost pissed my pants reading this.

    On another note… Gracie and I were at target last week and she backed into a shelf by mistake. She has this thing about needing me to kiss every boo-boo even if it’s not really a boo-boo and more like a bump or whatnot. Well after she backed into the shelf she says loud as ever “mommy, can you kiss my butt-crack?”…I picked her up, put her in the cart and immediately left the store… I was completely mortified. Remind me to thank my husband for teaching her such words as “butt-crack” and her new fave “boobies”…. *sigh*

  9. On May 18th, 2009 at 11:45 am Cassie Says:

    omfg that is hilarious. I might teach Jackson to say that to Jason, just to see what will happen ๐Ÿ™‚

  10. On May 18th, 2009 at 11:51 am lady lemon Says:

    Dude, that’s classic! One day, Daver can return the embarassment by telling this story to Ben’s friends and girlfriends. Just think what fun that will be!

    Also, your use of the word “weenis” makes me syo hyappy.

  11. On May 18th, 2009 at 11:58 am Marie Says:

    E told my mother, in CHURCH at a dinner for the pastor yesterday, that he and my husband have nerf gun fights and try to shoot each other in the balls. And, yes, he said balls.

  12. On May 18th, 2009 at 11:58 am kalakly Says:

    Oh, how I love the words of the wee ones;) Poor Daver. Just wait till Amelia asks….

  13. On May 18th, 2009 at 11:59 am Mrs Soup Says:

    Oh that is hilarious!! Poor Daver!!

    My daughter is too young yet to embarrass me….but she will. And she will do it on purpose. Cuz she’s evil like that. ๐Ÿ˜€

  14. On May 18th, 2009 at 12:01 pm Danielle Says:

    AHAHAHAH! I’m laughing my ass off here! Oh yes, my children have embarrassed me many times. I can’t think of any instances at the moment, because I’m too busy laughing, but I assure you there are MANY!

  15. On May 18th, 2009 at 1:02 pm Kristina Says:

    OMG, I am laughing out loud right now. I’m finding it hard to believe you’re not making this stuff up…on second thought, no, I really don’t think you are making it up.

    When I took Caleb to the dentist a couple months ago, he was getting frustrated b/c I was talking to the dentist and the nurse, and the attention was no longer on him. He finally screamed, “Mommy! Daddy made a mess in the bathroom!” (We had been remodeling our bathroom, and the husband was knocking down tile, and yes, making a huge mess.) The dentist and nursed looked a little concerned and I’m not 100% sure they believed the whole “We’re remodeling our bathroom” thing.

  16. On May 18th, 2009 at 12:03 pm Mimi Says:

    Nora has tried to stick her hand in her father’s urine stream. I think he was scarred for life.

  17. On May 18th, 2009 at 12:06 pm Anthony Says:

    I was doing pee at urinal in Tokyo and little 6 year old boy was looking so close at my weenie, trying to see between me and the urinal, actually twisting his head around and stuff to get a good look, his dad kept telling him to stop, and that you are not supposed to look at another guy’s weenie like that. And he had no idea I speak Japanese or not. I usually talk too much anyway, and always make too many jokes, but for that, I just shut up and smiled like a nice man in a suit should smile.

  18. On May 18th, 2009 at 12:16 pm ainebegonia Says:

    We had an open door policy on our bathroom when my oldest was doing potty training (really she trained herself, god bless her) since we only had one bathroom and I was trying to avoid accidents and the clean up.
    She rushed in when the idiot was peeing because she had to go and when she came out she had a strange look on her face. She said “Mommy, mommy, Daddy has a tail!”
    None of the 4 ever embarassed me in public during the potty training but I embarassed them plenty of times by asking loudly in public places if anyone had to urinate and singing the “i’ve got to urinate” song.

  19. On May 18th, 2009 at 12:21 pm Jen Says:

    Wow, that was pretty awesome. This story came from my oldest daughter, who was all of 3 or 4 at the time, and won me tickets to a Metallica concert many years ago when I called in to offer my humiliation up for good seats:
    Kohl’s was having this awesome sale on bras and panties and I was shopping there. Apparently with half my city as well. As we got to the check out, she stated in a loud, comanding voice “These are for my mommy’s new boobies because her old bras don’t fit” I had just had a breast reduction about a month prior, and would have been cool with it if it weren’t for every head whipping around to stare at my chest.
    I guess kids really do say ther darndest things. Excellent post.

  20. On May 18th, 2009 at 12:34 pm Melanie Says:

    That is so funny……………

  21. On May 18th, 2009 at 1:05 pm Sunny Says:

    That is probably the funniest “embarassing moment with my child” story I have heard. EVER.


    And your description of Oak Park made me nostalgic for Chicago. Haven’t been back in at least 5 years…

  22. On May 18th, 2009 at 1:09 pm michelle Says:

    In a gas station on a road trip one time, my very young potty-training son went to the bathroom with his dad and when we went to the counter to checkout he announced to the (female) clerk in a very loud, slightly awestuck voice…”My daddy has a REALLY big pee-pee!”
    It will never be known just WHO was more mortified at that moment ๐Ÿ˜‰

  23. On May 18th, 2009 at 1:24 pm kbrients Says:

    oh dear god- So funny.

  24. On May 18th, 2009 at 1:43 pm a Says:

    My daughter has not yet done anything to embarrass me. We’ll be coming up to River Forest (where everyone is a little more tightly strung than Oak Park) at the end of the month to visit a friend, so maybe she’ll get something good in then. Of course, my friend is far more likely to say something obnoxious than my daughter, so it’s possible that I am unembarrassable at this point in my life. But if you want to know when my friend embarrassed me the most, it would have to have been at my 8th grade graduation when she was having a conversation with my mom’s cousin (the nun)…about sex. It’s bad enough that she was having a conversation with an adult about sex when she was 13, but when it’s my mom’s cousin the nun…

  25. On May 18th, 2009 at 1:56 pm Coco Says:

    Bean always has to look when hub takes a pee. He’s never asked to hold on, though.

    However, he has been known to tug his penis out of his pants and leave it peeking out there, like a little pocket mascot, for all to see. That makes Target trips fun. Bean does this, not my husband, incidentally. Well, that I know of.

    And Bean’s newest thing is to shove his hand down my shirt in public, yelling “Boobies!” I’m pretty sure my husband taught him that.

  26. On May 18th, 2009 at 2:24 pm Katy Says:

    OMG, that is the best (worst?) embarrassing kid story I’ve ever heard!

    WG likes to tell strangers about all about the digestive system: “When I eat this cookie it will go down my ‘sophagus into my stomach and then it will go round and round my ‘testines and come out as poop.” We spend waaaay too much time at the pediatric GI doc’s office. She’s got the wall charts memorized. It’s actually quite impressive that she knows all that at 4 (I think), but people don’t like to think about their food turning into poop while they’re eating.

  27. On May 18th, 2009 at 3:22 pm Kristine Says:

    We have an open door bathroom policy – so far all I get in public is “Are you pooping, mommy?” And when I try to answer quietly, he just gets louder and louder.

  28. On May 18th, 2009 at 3:28 pm foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog) Says:

    I pray to heaven you have that moment captured for all eternity in a baby book!

  29. On May 18th, 2009 at 3:52 pm giggleblue Says:

    how the hell are you still alive? i swear i would have died laughing at that situation! poor dave. i would have busted out of that joint too. reminds me of that movie roll model and that boy screaming about his penis. i bet it was equally weird. poor dave, poor dave…

  30. On May 18th, 2009 at 4:17 pm Inna Says:

    I just snorted water. I should know by now to not take beverages with me to read Becky’s posts. That was hilarious!!!

  31. On May 18th, 2009 at 4:27 pm GingerB Says:

    Awesome story! You know, if I had a penis, I don’t think I’d let anyone hold it in a bathroom. A bedroom, well, yes, but in a bathroom, no. Now these high standards I have don’t do squat when it comes to where my daughters might feel me up. My daughter made a leering man in the grocery store stare at me to see if what she said was true . . .

  32. On May 18th, 2009 at 4:32 pm DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom Says:

    Well, my son has never asked to hold a man’s penis, but he has engaged in plenty of weird bathroom behavior. He’s almost 13 and until VERY recently, eh would strip naked to poop, regardless of location. So whenever he had to go and we were out, he’d leave a visible pile of clothing, down to the socks, on the floor of the stall. He also used to like to wipe his butt over a swivel make up mirror (thank god only at home), so that he got a better view of his wipagel. Oh yeah, he also used to wipe his butt in the hallway so that he could see the TV in his room while he did the paperwork. I could go on, but I am making myself sick. He’s never gonna get a girlfriend.

  33. On May 18th, 2009 at 4:41 pm Emily A Says:

    Oh my! I am trying to come up with a good one, but the best I can do at the moment is when my first was about 18 months old I went to a grocery store after gymboree class with another mom and her son to pick up a couple things. As we pass the booze aisle she yells “Daddy Beer!” when she saw the amstel light. Klassy.

  34. On May 18th, 2009 at 4:51 pm Kendra Says:

    Oh, my God, every detail of that story was priceless! I frickin’ hate potty training. My 3-year-old has stopped telling me when he has accidents, yet he still wants to wear the underpants all the time. So now I spend all my time praying that I’ve told him to go to the bathroom before he has an accident, rather than finding out he’s been sitting in a puddle on the couch for 15 minutes.

    He’s also completely OBSESSED with my “boobies” (which makes me forever grateful that I nursed him just as long as I did; can you imagine what “extended nursing” would have done to this one? I stopped at 15 months, and I know if I’d waited until he was verbal, I would have had to lock them up or something). So that has led to some fun conversations, where he says things like “can I kiss you on your boobies?” while we’re in Target.

    But my favorite embarrassing kid story from our family is actually from when I was a kid. My mom had taken my sister and me to Sears, where we had spent most of the afternoon beating on one another (we were about 3 and 5 at the time). So we finally got up to the check-out, and we were bruised and pink and our hair was all tangled. And on the floor by the register was a display of lamp oil, of course in lovely glass bottles. When we reached for them, my mom yelled at us to leave them alone. And I turned to her and said, “Please, Mommy, don’t hit us again!” She always said she was amazed that we all made it out of that store in one piece.

  35. On May 18th, 2009 at 4:58 pm Emily R Says:

    have you read *the good mother*?

  36. On May 18th, 2009 at 5:06 pm Fancy Says:

    Oh, Becks. Your vagina one day and the Daver’s penis the next? I seriously bloggy <3 you.

  37. On May 18th, 2009 at 5:47 pm Emily A Says:

    Emily R- I thought of that book when I read this post too!

  38. On May 18th, 2009 at 6:07 pm Dana Says:

    Here is the really, REALLY great news …

    When they get to be teens, it’s your turn to embarrass them. You’ll more than make up for their toddler years!

  39. On May 18th, 2009 at 6:09 pm fidget Says:

    can not BREEEEAAATH! bwhahahahahahahahaha

    wheeze wheeze


  40. On May 18th, 2009 at 7:15 pm Elaine at Lipstickdaily Says:

    Kids totally have our number . . . they ALWAYS pick the bathroom with audience to say THE most inappropriate things!

  41. On May 18th, 2009 at 6:41 pm Betts Says:

    Hehehehehehehehe! That was fun (for me). Poor Daver.

    Sorry, no embarrassing moments to share. Pipsqueak saves all her inappropriate comments for home, thank God.

  42. On May 18th, 2009 at 8:27 pm lola Says:

    Hilarious! Daver is lucky he didn’t get beat up right there in the bathroom for that one.

    I’d say my kid announcing to me and every mommy, child and teacher at his kindergarten Halloween party that, “These underwear you made me wear are squishing my ball sac” was a nice moment.

  43. On May 18th, 2009 at 7:37 pm mumma boo Says:

    *snort!* Poor Daver! Thankfully nothing more embarrassing for us (yet!) than Cheeks freaking out with the auto-flush toilets. “Stop, toilet! I not done yet!”

  44. On May 18th, 2009 at 8:45 pm Chris Mancini Says:

    OK, this hasn’t happened to me yet as my son is only 11 months but it’s EXACTLY what I’m worried about. At least now I can have nightmares about it before it happens.

  45. On May 18th, 2009 at 8:33 pm sarah Says:

    Well, the Rie-man did announce to me one day that he had “candy on his weenis” and actually asked me if I wanted to LICK ’em.

    “um, no thats ok honey.”

    Yup, totally hear ya.

  46. On May 18th, 2009 at 8:39 pm Jenn Says:

    Oh god, I haven’t laughed this hard in awhile! I can’t even think of anything else to write because I am still laughing – so hard I’m crying actually. Maybe I’m overtired but probably it’s just that funny.

  47. On May 18th, 2009 at 10:46 pm Painted Maypole Says:

    he he he he he

  48. On May 19th, 2009 at 12:33 am Nora Says:

    We are just beginning the potty training in earnest over here…I’m going to remember this story.

    (Today H asked to see my underwear–then ran into the kitchen to ask jeff to see his)…

  49. On May 19th, 2009 at 5:47 am ava Says:

    hahahahahha…this was soooo hilarious!!! never thought toilet training could be soo eventful!!! ๐Ÿ˜›


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  50. On May 19th, 2009 at 7:57 am Badass Geek Says:

    Kids do say the darndest things.

  51. On May 19th, 2009 at 9:23 am Eva Says:

    OMIGOD hilarious!

  52. On May 19th, 2009 at 3:55 pm Sarah Says:

    Oh DAMN. I mean…. DAMN. I got nothin’.

  53. On May 19th, 2009 at 3:08 pm rita Says:

    Oh dear sweet God, this is one of the funniest things I’ve read in a long time. (And, of course, I’m sitting in the car waiting while my husband is in Biolife selling plasma, so you know there are high-class people around here) I’ve been laughing and crying and blowing my nose, then I read another comment, and it’s off to the races again.

    Thank you.

    My youngest grandson (the one who talks to dead people and they talk back) has a boob obsession. I don’t know why; my daughter didn’t breastfeed him, but they’re liberal about the being naked thing (well, we are too, but we have no small children around and live way the hell on the side of a mountain). Anyway, he once walked up to her best friend, grabbed hold of her breasts, and said, “honk honk.” He’s 5 1/2 now; I hope he grows a filter soon.

  54. On May 19th, 2009 at 4:59 pm Kristen Wiley Says:

    My little sister is 9 years younger than me and had chronic urinary tract infections. She was always miserable, and my parents normally had to put vasoline DOWN THERE to make her feel better…. Well one trip to the bathroom with Daddy had her asking “Daddy, can you please put gasoline on my girl stuff?” She was about 3. He almost died from mortification. I, of course, thought it was hilarious…

  55. On May 19th, 2009 at 5:13 pm birdpress Says:

    This is the funniest post with the funniest comments I’ve read in, well, since yesterday’s post, I guess. Sorry, I have no kids so nothing to share.

  56. On May 19th, 2009 at 5:19 pm zelzee Says:

    That was why my husband said he would never change any of the kids diapers……….
    What a stupid excuse to get out of such a pleasant task!!!

  57. On May 20th, 2009 at 12:21 am Carebear Says:

    Bahahahahaha…. wiping tears from my eyes here. My favorite story on your blog so far I think. LOL!

    My toddler is currently in the potty-training-so-we-force-him-to-watch-dad-pee stage too. The other day I heard him through the door tell his dad “You have a big pee-pee. Mine widdle. Look at my widdle one daddy. Look – it widdle” which he repeated like fifty times. They came out of the bathroom and my hsband was cracking up and so was I. I’m pretty sure his isn’t any littler than other kids his age, but then, how would i know since I’m not molesting little boys in public bathrooms like some people (ahem *Daver* ahem)

  58. On May 20th, 2009 at 2:51 pm Michelle Says:

    Hi I was just passing through your blog. (Found your site thru ( And I really want to thank you! I really needed a good laugh (Sorry ahead of time to The Daver) Your potty training story brought back memories of when my son was training. He had his crazy moments just like your son did. It’s great that you had a very “understanding” boyfriend/husband. Most guys would probably not accept that situation lightly or easily as he did ๐Ÿ™‚

  59. On May 22nd, 2009 at 12:06 pm Erin Says:

    I am rolling around laughing at your story and all the comments!!!

    Mine isn’t potty related but it always makes me laugh. My favorite embarrassing moment was when P was 4 years old and we went to see Santa. It started out so innocently–P thanked Santa for the gifts he’d gotten the year before, Santa asked him if he’d been a good boy. Then Santa asked that famous question: “What do you want for Christmas this year?”

    P’s reply: “Balls.”

    He really wanted a marble run set, but he just said balls. I was crying because I was laughing so hard. How Santa kept a straight face, I’ll never know.

  60. On June 30th, 2009 at 6:23 pm ZDub Says:

    New to your blog and this is the funniest shit I have EVER read!


  61. On October 30th, 2012 at 1:43 pm Brittany Says:

    Well, kids are little assholes when it comes to bathroom humiliations! My daughter once asked me in a PUBLIC BATHROOM in the WalMart, with a full audience of SIX, count ’em, SIX, waiting women: “Mommy why is your hoohoo furry? Do you have a bear down there to bite Daddy if he touches your hoohoo?”
    Cheesus Mother fucking Crust, I got her and I out of there so quick, I think we scorched the linoleum, Doc Brown style…

  62. On October 30th, 2012 at 5:53 pm Kathleen Says:

    This made me laugh so hard that I had to run to pee before I wet myself!

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