Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Because Mommy Wants Vicodin Sounded Too Suburban


Tomorrow, bright and blurry, I leave to go to our nation’s capitol. Which, I was shocked to learn, was not in Washington STATE, but actually on the East Coast. This was nearly as big a snafu as the time I claimed vehemently that Kansas City was a state. I was about to resort to blows to win my argument until The Twitter pointed out that, in fact, I was wrong.

The Twitter ruins all my fist-fights.

Anyway, so I’m headed for our nation’s capitol, not to learn more about history or anything, because UGH, but because I am going to a convention. A convention about Internet Culture, which, unlike the VaginaStocks I normally go to (read: BlogHer), it will be full of dudes.

Which leads me to this point: what does one wear to a convention full of slightly (read: very) geeky guys? I simply do not know. I don’t own a “Chicks Dig Unix” shirt nor do I own a shirt that says, “There’s No Place Like” because really, I’m not even sure that’s English. I don’t speak binary nor do I intend to. Hell, I barely speak English.

So I’ve spent most of the week trying to figure out what, precisely, one wears to a convention full of nerds.

The answer?


Ascertaining that makes me feel loads better.

I’d almost forgotten I was speaking there until I got an email reminding me I’d been signed up to speak on a panel called, ‘Why Mommy Wants Vodka.” Alone.

Now, I can bullshit for an hour (or more!) if needed, but I’m desperately at a loss for what, precisely, it is one should say on this panel. If, in fact, anyone wants to listen to me answer that eternal question of the ages: Why Mommy Wants Vodka.

Frankly, I don’t know.

Perhaps I should bring cocktails so anything I say sounds desperately hilarious.

Any suggestions, Pranksters?

36 Comments to

“Because Mommy Wants Vicodin Sounded Too Suburban”

  1. On September 14th, 2011 at 11:06 am julie Says:

    I’d suggest that if anyone giggles its because pants are underwear in the UK, and eh, you wan’t vodka because football or some toss sucks.

    not very helpful me.

  2. On September 14th, 2011 at 11:08 am Krista Swan Says:

    Anyone who is a parent knows exactly why Mommy Wants Vodka. For the rest (non-parents), a few poop stories should have them on your side in no time. Non-parents have no idea the amount of shit (literally) that parents have to deal with. Speak it, sister!

  3. On September 14th, 2011 at 11:43 am Kathy Miranda Says:

    Amen1 ^^^

  4. On September 14th, 2011 at 11:11 am Mario Rubio Says:

    Money. Talk about how to make it. Then talk about schwag and how to get it. If all else fails just flirt with the nerd and he’ll run away, not knowing how to respond.

  5. On September 14th, 2011 at 11:14 am Kelly Says:

    I live about 45 minutes from DC, blaaarg, it’s a pit, A sometimes breaktakingly beautiful pit, but a pit, nonetheless. Wear a star wars T shirt, all geeks and nerds love star wars, better yet, a spaceballs T shirt! May the schwartz be with you! That’ll put them right in your pocket! Have fun!

  6. On September 14th, 2011 at 11:18 am Holly Says:

    This I promise you… They are more afraid of you than you are of them. Show cleavage and they will be rendered speechless.

  7. On September 14th, 2011 at 7:20 pm Barbara Says:

    hahaha, you’re so right

  8. On September 14th, 2011 at 11:29 am Sooz Says:

    Umm…dude…just do what you do on this blog…be crazy and irreverant and don’t give a flying fuck what your audienced likes or doesn’t like. everything you post is soooo freakin’ funny I have to take deep breaths and run to the bathroom so I don’t leak….oops…was that too much info…..anyhoo….good luck. can’t wait to read the post AFTER the event. 🙂

  9. On September 14th, 2011 at 11:53 am karen Says:

    Oooooh. ^THIS^.

  10. On September 14th, 2011 at 11:33 am Twinpossible Says:

    Surely do flirt if all else fails. You are a beautiful girl:) Any mom who at least doesn’t CRAVE a crutch much like vodka in this particular instance, is a BFL….big, fat, liar. I may love being a mom, but damned if I don’t need a mental release sometimes. It’s a fuckin’ hard ass job. I can bullshit for a long time to, but I understand your worry. Use your natural wit, talk about your personal experiences of motherhood, with a bit of your off the wall flair that we love. Throw in a joke or two, and you’re set!

    GL hun.

    xoxo Shelly

  11. On September 14th, 2011 at 11:37 am Niqui Says:

    Well, you can always do like alcoholic comedians do and have a big glass of “water” on hand at all times. Or you could just talk about why you started the blog, how it’s affected your life: socially/mentally/whatever and what you want to do with it in the future. That should cut some time down 🙂
    Pants are definitely a good idea though although I’m a big fan of wearing T-shirts mocking nerds. My current favorite has a teddy bear with big glasses and a pocket protector and says “Nerdy is cute.” But anyways, Good luck in Washington!

  12. On September 14th, 2011 at 11:44 am beta dad Says:

    Yeah, first establish your cred with a few anecdotes that will make their geeky lives seem like a beautiful fantasy world. Quash any of their skepticism or latent sexism by demonstrating that you could snap them like twigs. Then bullshit for an hour.

    Actually, if it’s mostly dudes, they probably don’t know about the mommyblogosphere, and you could give them a real education. When I tell the uninitiated about all the dramaz and the conferences, and the swag, they are quite amazed.

    But be careful. You will probably be mistaken for a hooker. Because of your long hair and non-maleness.

  13. On September 14th, 2011 at 11:51 am kalakly Says:

    Ummm, b/c it’s wayyyyy cheaper than Scotch!
    Go kick some ass Becky!

  14. On September 14th, 2011 at 12:05 pm Katya Says:

    Pants and a Shut Your Whore Mouth t-shirt. With a cardigan if it’s chilly.

    And I say you open with “Mommy wants vodka because she said so.” and then offer to let everyone go get vicodin-chip cookies with their free hour.

    When they stay, you are free to then bullshit about whatever the fuck you want. 🙂

    Love you, AB!

  15. On September 14th, 2011 at 7:02 pm Cara Says:

    Yes! Brilliant! Both outfit and intro!

  16. On September 14th, 2011 at 12:06 pm Kizz Says:

    Pigtails. Geeks of all stripes seem to enjoy the pigtails.

  17. On September 14th, 2011 at 12:08 pm HeatherS Says:

    Ummmm, AB, I clicked on your link to get a little more clued in to your convention before I commented. I’m a little…confused. If that was indeed the correct link, wear something pretty and do what BetaDad said. And have a bottle of vodka stashed in your hotel room.

  18. On September 14th, 2011 at 12:09 pm Ewokmama Says:

    Definitely bring cocktails.

  19. On September 14th, 2011 at 12:28 pm Triplezmom Says:

    If the geek haven store my husband owns is any indication, imagine you are talking to a group of 11 year old boys and you will be fine. Share your potty mouth, don’t take any shit and throw out a few humanizing stories about how having a newborn is like having a new game – you’re up all night and the rules seem completely ridiculous.

  20. On September 14th, 2011 at 12:46 pm Steve Bailey Says:

    Uh…. you are going to an internet convention full of guys…… and you’re not going dressed as Princess Leia? Big mistake…..

  21. On September 14th, 2011 at 1:09 pm Caroline Says:

    Mommy wants vokda because Mommy wants Adderall sounds too suberban housewifey.

  22. On September 14th, 2011 at 2:20 pm Gunfighter Says:

    Here it is, Becks… for the most part, geeky dudes don’tget a lot of attention form the ladies (oh, spare me your protestations, you know it’s true), so all you have to do is be your charming feminine self, and they will be eating out of your hands.

    Nothin’ to it.

    Looking forward to getting to meet you.

  23. On September 14th, 2011 at 2:34 pm Jay Says:

    I really don’t see what wearing pants is going to accomplish, but it’s your choice. Also, just make sure beer and nachos are available. Guys are pretty simple.

  24. On September 14th, 2011 at 2:54 pm Andrea Says:

    Do you have a storm trooper outfit you could wear? Or at least a light saber to wave around while you talk?

  25. On September 14th, 2011 at 6:44 pm ScienceGeek Says:

    Suggestions? Tell your journey from hilariously blogging about your day to day life, through to Band Back Together and all that awesomeness.
    Maybe throw in a discussion on the importance of moderation when the topic is controversial or extremely personal/painful for the contributor. The internet mole-people are more than enough reason to hit the booze, and what makes BBT so powerful is the incredible efforts made to keep it a safe place for the people writing the posts.

  26. On September 14th, 2011 at 7:04 pm Pete In Az Says:

    Just remember…

    There are 10 types of people in the world.

    Those who understand binary and those who don’t.

  27. On September 14th, 2011 at 9:38 pm Kyddryn Says:

    Eh, throw the whole thing open to questions – I once winged a speach class assignment doing that, and scored a solid “A” for it, much to my surprise. If you turn it into a discussion, you turn it from a “me versus them” into “we’re all in this together” proposition. Or flash some boob and some thigh and mumble incoherently. Either way.

    I hope you have a blast, and I know you’ll do just fine whatever you decide to do.

    Shade and Sweetwater,

  28. On September 14th, 2011 at 10:58 pm Working Mommy Says:

    you’ll be in my neck of the woods…good luck!!


  29. On September 14th, 2011 at 11:17 pm Alexis Says:

    Dearest Auntie!

    Don’t offer Vicodin chip cookies to just anyone. Those are only for the deserving and should have to be earned. (Your niece Alexis is deserving and has earned them, so if you have any extra ones lying around that haven’t yet accumulated mold, send the to Alexis..) Tell them about SkyMall and the kitty shitter, because they probably don’t know what they’ve been missing. Give a brief discourse on John C. Mayer. Talk about medical ” professionals,” some of whom think anyone who is near death with a migraine is a narcotic-seeking user-of-the-system, and explain how in your perfect world those compassion-free “professionals” will eventually be struck by Karma in the form of level bazillion (“rate you pain on a scale of one to ten, please”) migraines themselves. Share the details of your niece Alexis’ telephone-free telethon to raise money for breast augmentation surgery on the day she turns eighteen in less that fifteen months. Offer to accept in advance any donations to Alexis’ cause. (Having the smallest boobs in a high school student body of over 3,000, boys included, is legitimate cause for the creation of a charity.)

    Knock ’em dead (figuratively; literally dead people aren’t likely to contribute generously to my cause).

    Niece Alexis

  30. On September 15th, 2011 at 5:35 am Jan Says:

    Mommy wants Vodka because…..Girl goes to college to grow her brain…….Girl starts career with her lovely hubby…….Nature screams”MAKE BABY”……… shrinks Mommys brain BUT it grows her heart……men just don’t get it. Your blog is just your brain trying to maintain it’s considerable size!……….been there, 1970, watched daughter go there 1990’…life’s what you make it!

  31. On September 15th, 2011 at 1:32 pm Super Red Says:

    Auntie Becky!! Are you still going see me when you’re here? I facebook messaged you a while ago because I’m creep…. uh,,, Cool like that. yeah. Cool like that. 🙂


    P.S. Wear TIGHT pants. 😉

  32. On September 15th, 2011 at 1:35 pm Lola Says:

    I suggest you wear a skirt. If this is indeed a Nerd Convention they will be so torqued up over the sight of your legs that it won’t matter what the hell you say. I’d tell you to show some cleavage too, but the building might spontaneously combust.

  33. On September 15th, 2011 at 6:21 pm katrina Says:

    You will dazzle them! Wear some glitter and show slides of Skymall Kitties….

  34. On September 16th, 2011 at 6:37 pm Cindy Says:

    AB, any suggestion I could give you would just be raunchy. Or something. You will be perfect just the way you are!

  35. On September 16th, 2011 at 6:47 pm Wildology Says:

    One word: VAGINAS. They will be enthralled. Good, bad, or ugly.

  36. On September 17th, 2011 at 11:36 pm JRose48 Says:

    I really liked your panel. But that may have been because you told me you didn’t think I was a bitch….

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