Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Because I’m Tired Of Saying That I’m Retired


And because, saying that I “stay home with my kids” seems to elicit looks that fall on the spectrum somewhere between ‘pity’ and ‘disgust’ (if I had to choose a color to describe the look, I’d choose puce), I’m “opening up my horizons.”

My high school counselor would be proud of me. In fact, somewhere, he’s probably beaming into his “Time Magazine’s Man Of The Year” mirror and adjusting his afro. He knows not why.

So I’m going to go back to work.

No, no, not like ACTUAL work, like WRITING, which isn’t REALLY work at all. It appears that I will be contributing to another website (details to follow, for those of you sitting on the edge of your seat, biting your nails and twitching) and avidly looking for other places to brighten up with my sunshine and rainbow pee.

By “brighten up” I mean, of course, write for. Just because I need more to do. No, seriously I do. Wiping adorable asses, is, well, not always quite as satisfying if I don’t have anything of my own to work for.

So there you have it: I’m looking for more places to write and defile with my lewd mouth (or my scrubbed with bleach version. Whatever). Holla if you think of anything because You, Internet, are smart and I am not.

(also, does foul language on blogs bother you?)

Also, have no fear, Internet, I’m not even remotely considering abandoning you. IN FACT, I’m thinking that the very NEXT thing I am going to do is to start an advice column. Oh yeah, I’m gonna give ADVICE to people who send me QUESTIONS. Do you think I should put it on another URL? Or should I just plop them here as I see fit?


In the very NAME of not leaving you, I wanted to let you know that I am totally going to be responding TO comments IN the comments, because I’m dead tired of trying to email people who leave me slightly incorrect email addresses. Why yes, I AM lazy.

Also, Facebook has taught me that it’s WAY more fun to have dialogue than a one-sided conversations. Hats off to YOU, Facebook.

Oh, and these questions I’m asking you here? Aren’t the rhetorical types, I’m looking for real! live! answers! and! opinions! Because, obviously.


Please humor my mother. Please?

81 Comments to

“Because I’m Tired Of Saying That I’m Retired”

  1. On August 22nd, 2009 at 9:44 am ryanandjoesmom Says:

    Look at you all branching out and shit! Swearing doesn’t tend to bother me unless it’s every fucking other shit word balls. As for an advice column, in all that is my laziness, I would beg of you to contain it here where I can easily find it.

    Have a great weekend and can I please pinch your daughter’s adorable cheeks?

  2. On August 22nd, 2009 at 10:06 am Ms. Moon Says:

    Hmmmm. I judge potential friendships on whether or not I can freely say “fuck” around a person. If not- probably isn’t going to work out for us.
    Good for you, Aunt Becky! Wishing you much success! And what a darling daughter you have.

  3. On August 22nd, 2009 at 10:09 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    My favorite word is “fuck” and although I tried to give it up for Lent one year, I couldn’t do it. I’m not sure I could stop using it here, either.

  4. On August 22nd, 2009 at 9:32 am DG at Diaryofamadbathroom Says:

    Good luck with the new gig. Just hurry up and tell us where else we can find you. Your a lucky gal to be so prolific that you can post in multiple places and write multiple books. Your new title should be Queen of Content. Rock on!

  5. On August 22nd, 2009 at 9:36 am Mommy Wants Vodka » Blog Archive » Because I'm Tired Of Saying … Says:

    […] Mommy Wants Vodka » Blog Archive » Because I'm Tired Of Saying … […]

  6. On August 22nd, 2009 at 9:36 am Kelly Says:

    Good for you! The more places that I can read your writing the better! I would really like to stay home sometimes, but usually after a few days, I wonder if I would go off the rails of the crazy train, or have to file bankruptcy since I would feel compelled to go to the mecca that is Super Target all day every day. I am always so impressed with women that can do it, without killing their spawn. Love my children, I do, but I thinks it’s good for my mental status to get out of the house.

  7. On August 22nd, 2009 at 9:39 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I’ve always thought that if I had had a job that I’d really liked, I would have gone back to work part-time by now. But since my former case management job got shipped to another state, I’ve got nothing.

  8. On August 22nd, 2009 at 9:37 am ainebegonia Says:

    Foul language on blogs doesn’t bother and it’s not like your blog is a haven for 2nd graders.

  9. On August 22nd, 2009 at 9:39 am Krissa Says:

    Well, I say good for you! I support you 100%! Er, not financially, of course! Heh… awkward… 😉

  10. On August 22nd, 2009 at 9:41 am birdpress Says:

    I will be happy to follow you on another blog too. I think you should start the advice column here, and then when it (inevitably) gets super-popular and you are overwhelmed with questions, then you could transfer it to its own URL!

  11. On August 22nd, 2009 at 9:49 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Amelia would be honored to provide her cheeks for absolute nomming. It makes her laugh.

  12. On August 22nd, 2009 at 9:50 am HHRose Says:

    Um, is that a Blackberry in The Daver’s other hand? That pose (baby in one, Crackberry in other) is a favorite with my DH.

  13. On August 22nd, 2009 at 9:54 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I am a Blackberry AND an iPhone widow. Double the fun, double the being ignored.

  14. On August 22nd, 2009 at 10:04 am amy d Says:

    I would literally read anything you wrote. You crack me up like no one else. Excited to hear of the new site!

    Potty mouth blogs don’t bother me…in fact, they draw me in. I myself would like to throw out an F bomb now and then, but I’m too concerned with offending my freaking family. It’s disgusting how much of a people pleaser I am.

    The advice column idea would totally rock!! I can’t wait to hear the issues that are thrown your way!

    Amelia….S-T-U-N-N-I-N-G!!! Those eyes are just beautiful! We should totally set Mimi up with Jack!!

  15. On August 22nd, 2009 at 10:13 am Jayne Says:

    Good for you! Wishing you every success!

  16. On August 22nd, 2009 at 11:16 am Badass Geek Says:

    I’m excited for you, dude! You better tell us soon where else you’ll be writing.

    Or at least tell me.

  17. On August 22nd, 2009 at 10:21 am Ginger Magnolia Says:

    Cuss all you want! The more the merrier, I say. I think Birdpress’ idea is great…start the advice stuff here, and then move it elsewhere. I can’t wait to see what kinds of questions you get and your answers! 🙂

  18. On August 22nd, 2009 at 10:21 am Jo Says:

    Fuck is in fact my favourite word and about my 8th favourite thing. Behind sleeping, cakes, pizza, smoking, the internet, bug squishy cuddles and shouting at the television.

  19. On August 22nd, 2009 at 11:07 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Jo, I freaking love your priorities. Seriously, they’re right in line with mine.

  20. On August 22nd, 2009 at 10:22 am Rebecca Says:

    The color I choose is clear because, once a VERY long time ago, some boy said that I was so stupid that my favorite color is probably ‘clear’. I took it and ran with it and about 5 years after that lewd comment, I made an A in creative writing that started with a journal entry “What color are you?” I picked clear and my teacher was in TEARS she was so overjoyed with my writing. That boy is probably in tears today because he’s so stinking jealous of how fabulous I am.

    Rainbow pee?? It’s supposed to be pee sunshine….didn’t we discuss this already…it’s rainbow POO!! I just knew I should have taken a photo for proof!!

    Advice column sounds like fun. Just make sure you link to every page you write on every page you write. Make it somewhere near the top or bottom of the page with something to the nature of “Read my other stuff on these pages” so dumb girls like me will know where to stalk, I mean read more of your stuff.

    I think foul language is funny to read. Not so funny for me to say or me to hear. While I hardly ever say or type curse words, I love reading them here on your blog along with other blogs that I follow. They bring a bit of laughter to my day.

    What’s funny….while I was reading your post….I was really sitting on the edge of my seat and biting my nails. I do it so much that my daughter now bites her nails too……….goofy little monkey see monkey do. Didn’t I ever tell her “Do as I say not as I Do!!!”

    Keep writing girl!!

  21. On August 22nd, 2009 at 10:41 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I think clear is an excellent choice of favorite color. Mine is pink. Because obviously. And I’m sure, no wait, I KNOW that there are people who read here that I’ve known in past lives who cannot believe what I’ve become. Good OR bad.

  22. On August 22nd, 2009 at 11:40 am Caron Says:

    I feel sort of lame suggesting this in case it is a stupid idea. the only blog I have found that I read regularly that has multiple posters is thekitchb, which is a part of some messy conglomeration that involes apartment therapy and one about kids called (don’t type quote me) obeedoh or ohbeedoh or something. it isn’t a funny thing, but if you cook or have kids (!!!!) maybe you qualify? what the hell do I know? I love your blog partly b/c I get to swear here. my blog is pg-13 for the aged relatives.

  23. On August 22nd, 2009 at 11:57 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Caron, I’m all about checking that out. That sounds awesome.

  24. On August 22nd, 2009 at 10:44 am Pete In Az Says:


  25. On August 22nd, 2009 at 11:15 am Inna Says:

    I’d love to read more of what MY Aunt Becky is writing. I’ll keep my ears open for anything that might suit your writing. 🙂
    Now, in response to your questions:
    No, foul language does not bother me in the least.
    I think you should answer advice questions directly in the blog. Maybe do a once a week or right after a post quick answer (if you get questions that only need quick answers). But I guess you could start an advice column, if you really wanted. I say link to it every time a new post comes up from here to there.
    And I love that you are writing directly in the comments. I’ve been doing that too.
    Here is a question for you, what do you say when you have no response to a comment? Not that its absurd or crazy, just you really don’t have a response that won’t be lame. Do you just not respond to that specific comment? Or do you make an effort and come up with something?

  26. On August 22nd, 2009 at 11:19 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Inna, when I first started blogging, I tried to respond to every comment. Now, I’m just going to say something if I HAVE something to say. Lord knows I blather on enough without having to try and come up with something to say for everyone. Besides, since these responses aren’t being matched with the comment (in the dashboard here, it looks as though I am), it would be awfully tedious to scroll through all of it.

  27. On August 22nd, 2009 at 11:16 am Inna Says:

    I just thought of a super lame title for your advice blog:
    Vodka asks a lot of questions, Your Aunt Becky is here to help.

  28. On August 22nd, 2009 at 11:19 am The Mommy Says:

    Foul language just makes you human. Even my priest swears (sometimes. and almost never during mass).

    I always admire people who can stay home AND work. It’s great to have a talent that’s marketable in that way. Being a chemist? Not so much. Unless you count the fact that I can entertain my children with “bombs” made out of ziploc bags, vinegar and baking soda…Or that I can make ice cream using liquid nitrogen (it was easily the best ice cream I have ever had…and I used to eat A LOT of ice cream).

  29. On August 22nd, 2009 at 11:21 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Oh, yeah, see, this will probably be UNPAID work, because I seriously cannot picture anyone paying me to write. Naturally.

  30. On August 22nd, 2009 at 11:20 am Venti Vixen Says:

    That baby girl is freakin’ adorable! Oh, and I love that you cuss like a sailor. Makes me feel all at home and shit.

  31. On August 22nd, 2009 at 11:34 am Jennifer Says:

    You’re more than welcome to write all the shit you want on my blog.

    And I took the FB quiz of What Cuss Word are You? and I was “Fuck.” I was so proud. *Sniff* I *love* the word fuck and use it altogether too much. I use it more the more tired I am. Which invariably leads me to say that I fuck a lot when I’m tired. o.O

  32. On August 22nd, 2009 at 11:35 am Jennifer Says:

    Oh, but I won’t pay you to write shit on my blog. But I will respond to the shit you write.

    And yes, cussing obviously bothers me, a lot.

    /sarcasm (just in case you missed it 🙂 )

  33. On August 22nd, 2009 at 11:41 am Allie Bear Says:

    Yeah, cussing does not bother me whatsoever. I would say “Hell no! Cussing doesn’t bother me!” but I’m sure that’s already been done (I’m not really sure because I haven’t read through all the comments yet) …and technically I said it anyway.
    Good for you if you want to do something other than just be a mommy all the time, I mean if that is what you want. If all you wanted was to be a mommy all the time then I would say good to that too. Basically, it’s good to do what you want and what is best for you. Whatever keeps you sane.
    I think the advice column idea is great, maybe do a question or two on here on a certain day or something like that…or on another website, once again, whatever works best for you. Regardless, I’ll be reading.

    Here’s my first attempt at piggy-backing a comment! Hooray! And yeah, maybe like Sunday’s advice column or something. Not my WHOLE blog

  34. On August 22nd, 2009 at 11:51 am Jennifer B Says:

    Aunt Becky, please continue swearing to your heart’s content, because many of us in mommy-land are tired of refraining for the sake of the childrens, ya know? Besides, think how creative you’d have to get with your wording to say what you really mean…. it could get crazy.
    I think the advice column would be a hoot, I suggest devoting one day a week, because I want to read all about the other fun stuff most of the time. But that’s just me being selfish, I get to do that because it’s my comment. I like how you are responding to lots of comments, makes it even more fun to read them. Would be super cool if you could get them to “attach” somehow…. hmmm can you edit people’s posts, and then just add your response after their stuff? just thinking out loud, or maybe not so much.
    Anyhoo, while I’m here.. yah, it’s really freakin annoying when people give you the funny look and go “oh… you stay home with the kids, well that’s nice”. Look man, I just want to raise my own kids, that’s all. I love the babysitter and all, but you know, if they’re going to be messed up by someone, I’d rather it be me. Then at least I’ll know what their issues are. 🙂
    And BTW, Amelia is just gorgeous. Love when you give us a peek.

  35. On August 22nd, 2009 at 11:56 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Jennifer, that’s a really good idea. I CAN edit the comments now (this is new with the upgrade on WP), maybe that’s how to work it. Because having my comments all in a line at the end annoys me.

  36. On August 22nd, 2009 at 12:11 pm Alina Says:

    You should pick one day of the week and reserve that as “advice day”. That way you can keep writing on this same blog. Unless you were planning to become an advice columnist under a different persona/brand than “Mommy Wants Vodka” in which case a separate blog would be better!!!

    Swearing is fine by me… The problem with swearing is that it may sometimes distract from the funny themes and comments you come up with. The swearing itself is funny but its the other insights you have which really set you apart from other humorists! (is humorist a word? if not, then I just created it!) Anyway I guess what I’m trying to say is that swearing seems to be part of your normal vocabulary whether you are blogging or talking in real life. But you don’t need the swearing on your blog since it is funny, touching and addictive even without the swearing!

    I can absolutely see that. I don’t swear nearly as much as I used to, and I try and use it more when it makes sense, not just to SHOCK someone. Does that make sense?

  37. On August 22nd, 2009 at 12:20 pm Caron Says:

    Aunt Becky, I came back b/c 1. I heart you and wanted to see if you replied to me. fact. *sheepish* and 2. I am walking and typing on my phone and the screen has the tiniest font ever and I have sunscreen flowing into my eyes (ouch.damn). glad I came back as I see an important typo: it is kitchn – no ‘e’ not kitchb, which is what I think it says. if not, mea culpa. That’s Latin for ‘whatever.’

    Oh, I am TOTALLY trying this typing INTO your comment box thingie. I hope it works this way.

  38. On August 22nd, 2009 at 12:28 pm Mwa Says:

    I honestly don’t get people who don’t like swearing. Like completely not. Swearing is just what you need to do in certain situations. So fucking go for it!

    Also – other writing? Yay!

    I find swearing to be so satisfying. Not, of course, constantly or in public loudly (unless I need to), but in general, it’s something I appreciate entirely.

  39. On August 22nd, 2009 at 12:37 pm Swedishskier Says:

    I’m so glad you’re confirming what I’ve always suspected but never known for sure: There are answers in the bottom of the bottle after all. I’m just a whiskey girl. Wrong bottle apparently.

    shhh. don’t tell anyone. I prefer whiskey to. bourbon especially.

  40. On August 22nd, 2009 at 12:39 pm Swedishskier Says:

    Oh and I love, lurve, love all variations on the word fuck. Its just so fucking satisfying to say. It’s like an exclamation point that can be used at any point in a sentence.

    It is, of course, my favorite word. Have you heard the George Carlin stand up about “the usage of the word “fuck”?” You should. Dynamite.

  41. On August 22nd, 2009 at 1:43 pm Lola Says:

    Well, I , for one, will not frequent a blog that has swears or one that refers to drugs or alcohol.

    Lola, I know. I figured you hated me on principle. Because, obviously.

  42. On August 22nd, 2009 at 12:56 pm Beautiful Mess Says:

    Link the love, love! I’ll read…that’s exciting! I hope you have fun with it!

    Also? I think answer and questions here on your blog would be a good fit. I don’t think I have any questions though. Oh wait..yes I do! When will you come to Oregon and play with me?

    Thanks for your comment on my blog and my freaky, sometimes crazy grief process and not leaving the house much. I love ya, girl!

    When I’m not doing well, I absolutely have a tough time leaving the house. It makes sense; the house is safe, the world can be a really fucked up, scary place.

  43. On August 22nd, 2009 at 2:54 pm swirl girl Says:

    plop them in!

    I’m trying it like this. I hope it works, because SERIOUSLY, it’s annoying when they all cluster at the end. Total turn-off, yo.

  44. On August 22nd, 2009 at 2:15 pm Betty M Says:

    Love the swearing. Lke the idea of an occasional advice post. Not so wild about a separate advice blog. Finding comments in comments a bit confusing but sure I’ll get used to it.
    PS your cards have made it across the Atlantic!

    *SQUEE!* YAY! I’m transatlantic now! Hooray!

  45. On August 22nd, 2009 at 3:56 pm Kate Says:

    I’ll read anywhere you write because I like ya just that much. 🙂

    I don’t care that you swear. I do, too. Most people I know do. So why sanitize it for a blog? I always prefer real people to polished, pretending-to-be-perfect people.

    If you ever want to come write on my blog, feel invited. ‘Course, one guest post from you & no one would ever read any of my pathetic ramblings again because they’d all be over here, instead. LOL

    Looking forward to your advice column. That should be awesome and all sorts of entertaining!

    I will happily guest post for you! But, you’ll have to give me something to talk about, lest I ramble on and on and on until your blog readers decide to ban YOU by accident because of my pointless drivel.

  46. On August 22nd, 2009 at 4:54 pm Sasha Says:

    “Currently I incubate human beings, but before I got into that I was an accountant.”


    “I’m in the fabrication and cultivation of future adults business.”

    I get very awesome responses whenever I use either, heh.

    Mental Note added. This is awesome. Must remember this. You’re brilliant!

  47. On August 22nd, 2009 at 4:00 pm Amanda Says:

    So one time…at band camp….I thought that maybe I could be your PR person who handles all your publicity you will have once you get famous.


    So, I guess maybe just saying congratulations will have to suffice – can’t wait to read where else you will be writing!

    Make me proud – your ahem..older…ahem…but still doting…follower,

    The only thing I will get famous for is streaking slooowly through town, driving one of hot-pink Barbie Power Wheels.

  48. On August 22nd, 2009 at 4:42 pm Calliope Says:

    wooo and hoooo, girl. Congrats on whatever gig is lucky enough to nab you. I will never be able to figure out how you write as much awesome as you do. (& my awe is both over quality & quantity.)

    Cali, I just love you. And now I’m blushing.

  49. On August 22nd, 2009 at 4:50 pm Katy Says:

    long time listener, first time caller. i started reading your blog after i saw that you won funniest blog at blogher, or some fancy shit like that. i mainly clicked the link to your blog because it had “vodka” in the title and, as plenty of fraternity boys on a certain college campus in the heart of mississippi will tell you, i love vodka. and now, i love you. kindred spirits are we (my mom always used to put it in that word order. i have no idea if that is just being poetic or imitating yoda). no, i don’t have kids. no, i don’t have A GLANDULAR PROBLEM… that they’ve found (i’m convinced my doctor is incompetent). and no, i’m not *quite* as old as you (but i’m only a few years behind… i’m far enough into my 20s to no longer be a cute co-ed, but only fade into the background at a girls gone wild event). but you swear and you’re sarcastic and, dammit, i like you. you keep on swearin’ and cussin’ and spreading your hate-colored glitter-piss all over the place and we’ll keep on reading you.
    and p.s. (brace yourself, cause here comes a TOTALLY original joke…) my mom used to tell my brother and i (obviously when we were younger and not supposed to swear) that people who swear aren’t smart enough to use better words. i say fuck that. i always LOVED it when my college professors would swear in class. i LOVE it when guys swear. i don’t know why. maybe it’s because it was some taboo when i was growing up and it’s a form of rebellion, but you keep on keepin on.
    p.p.s. sorry about all the parentheses. you use one and they end up being sprinkled all over the place like fucking easter grass. you never get rid of that shit.

    FINALLY, SOMEONE SAID WHAT I WAS THINKING! I’ve always heard people say that swearing is used when someone cannot come up with something better to say. I disagree entirely. A well-placed swear word can do wonders. As can the addition of the word “balls” to most anything. I think I’m in love with you.

  50. On August 22nd, 2009 at 5:04 pm Shannon Says:

    More Aunt Becky!!! My life is now perfect.

    I, personally, think that you should do the Advice Column here. In all honesty it’s because I’m lazy. Just coming to this site 68 times a day is a lot of work. I don’t want to have to check another site 68 times a day also. I have a life… right??

    Good for you Aunt Becky, being all ambitious and stuff.

    See, yeah, *I’m* lazy too. And trying to remember a whole other URL and password? Not going to fly. I think it’ll be a Sunday thing. Right? That’s a good day for it, I think.

  51. On August 22nd, 2009 at 5:41 pm nic @mybottlesup Says:

    LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!! amazing pic babe. *MUAH*

    Aw, thanks, yo. Mimi is a doll-face. I think we’ll keep her.

  52. On August 22nd, 2009 at 6:16 pm Hurricane Heather Says:

    Stay at home moms don’t exist.
    Like, are we ever really ‘at’ home?
    I prefer the title Family Manager or Sibling Rivalry Interventionist.

    I absolutely love “Poo Specialist.” Or “Queen Of The Sausages, Esq.”

  53. On August 22nd, 2009 at 6:28 pm Love Says:

    Love your work and great job at landing the new gig. Your daughter is adorable. Everybody has been really nice so far, but I can’t help but point out an issue that needs to be addressed immediately. I assume the man in the picture is the beloved Daver. If you really love him, you already know what needs to happen. Its time to take the razor out. He’d be smokin’ hot bald. Seriously. But with those little wisps of hair on top, uh….bad news bears. No offense. I only bring it up because I love Jesus…and you.

    So, here’s the problem with that. Dave? Has a CONE HEAD. No, really, it’s got to be genetic, because my poor daughter has it too. But yeah, I think you’re probably right on that one. Shaving it is the way to go. Like, buzz or q-ball? What do you think?

  54. On August 22nd, 2009 at 8:37 pm Sunny Says:

    I *haert* swearing on blogs. Now that my son is repeating things we say, I try to avoid saying “shit” and “fuck” as much as possible. I am just THAT good of a mother. But that leaves me needing an outlet for grown-up words. Thank you very much, Internet!

    Oh, and I like the idea of adding the advice column right into the blog. Keep it simple. 🙂

    I usually avoid the heavier swear words around my kids because, well, that’s probably smarter than I normally am, but occasionally a “dammit” will pop out. So Ben, every so often, will drop something and yell, “DAMMIT!” Whoops.

  55. On August 22nd, 2009 at 8:38 pm Sunny Says:

    FUCK! I meant that I *heart* swearing on blogs. SHIT.

    I don’t tend to swear JUST BECAUSE, but shit, man, a well-placed “FUCK” sometimes takes a load off. In a delicious way.

  56. On August 22nd, 2009 at 8:58 pm Kristin Says:

    I love foul language on blogs because it frees me up to give in to my inner potty mouth.

    I say keep the advice column right here on this blog.

    I think I will keep it here, now that I’m considering it more. Because a) I don’t know a good domain name and 2) I personally get annoyed when I have to be all linky and shit to other blogs. I’m lazy.

    I’m thinking a Sunday advice column, maybe? I need to get it set up so that I can get questions emailed to me and stuff. There’s got to be a form for WordPress like that. Some sort of plugin. Must. Research.

  57. On August 22nd, 2009 at 8:59 pm lydee Says:

    good luck, can’t wait to read more 🙂

    And I cannot wait to pollute The Internet with more of my pointless drivel.

  58. On August 22nd, 2009 at 9:21 pm Katy Says:

    Swearing doesn’t bother me. Many of my friends are not native speakers and tend to use profanity as a filler. Sort of like “um” or “like” but better, IMO. Also, the other blog (besides yours) that I frequent regularly is written by a Christian homeschooling mom with a huge family. (it’s all about balance.) I always come here and then go there just in case she’s tracking where people are coming from when they visit her blog. She needs to lighten up and I’m hoping to help “bring her to Aunt Becky.”

    So, my question: When is your book coming out???? I need it now. WG was dx’ed with aspergers / anxiety / OCD a few weeks back. Play therapy starts next week. I need a guide, damnit, and it sure as HELL is not going to be Jenny McCarthy!

    That is seriously the funniest thing I’ve ever read. Swear to God, this will make me laugh my ass off for the next week. That’s pure brilliance.

    And the book, well, hm, still playing the fucking waiting game. Patience is not my strong suit, if you haven’t guessed

  59. On August 22nd, 2009 at 9:30 pm IrasciblePlatypus Says:

    Jenny McCarthy scares me. I would like to duct-tape her mouth shut.

    Incidentally, O-Favoritest-Aunt-Becky-Of-Mine, keep up with the swearing! I’m still mastering the fine art of imaginative, illuminative invective (okay, I fail miserably at it because every other word out of my mouth when I’m angry is “fuck” or some variant thereof), and I’m learning a lot from watching you.

    Jenny McCarthy kind of scares me too. I read her books on pregnancy and parenthood, and shockingly not the one about autism. Because while I am not sure, I think it might make the top of my head pop off. Have you read it?

  60. On August 22nd, 2009 at 9:40 pm Rachel Montoya Says:

    FUCK Facebook! My in laws are on there… and i fuckin HATE foul language on blogs… but you my dear need to give advice… mommies need you ( it is gross but true, Welcome to parenthood 101?)

    I think that an advice column will do only good. Or the good kind of bad, if you know what I’m saying. *wink, wink* Because being bad? SO MUCH MORE FUN.

  61. On August 22nd, 2009 at 10:44 pm Applesaucery Says:

    Foul language on blogs is generally better and more entertaining than blogs that carefully censor every word. Sometimes you just need the emphasis.

    I am BESIDE MYSELF with excitement over the idea of an advice column, which I think should just be a feature on your blog rather than a separate URL, because I TOO am lazy and can’t keep track of shit.

    Once I figure out a way to have people easily submit stuff through the site itself (I’ve seen it done on other blogs), I think that I’ll pick a day and do it weekly. Like Sunday, maybe. Does that seem like a good day for it?

  62. On August 22nd, 2009 at 11:50 pm Potty Mouth Mommy Says:

    So, um, swear words are bad m’kayyyyyyyy…

    Seriously though?? Who am I to judge- we’ve all read my name right???

    The word fuck and I are on VERRRRRRRRRRRRY intimate terms… I would totally lay one on the word fuck if I could…

    and can I just say I could eat your daughter up with a spoon!! oh those cheeks and chubby baby arms!!! squeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

    If you start an advice column, I would TOTALLY read it… Hell, I’ll even send you questions just for shits and giggles…

    Fuck is my favorite word, bar none. Except maybe “awesome” or “totally.” Which I may totally marry. Awesome.

  63. On August 23rd, 2009 at 12:38 am lauren Says:

    Oh AB, I can’t keep up with your shenanigans. I’d love to get paid to write but my writing sucks. Your’s is lovely. And I enjoy the cursing.

    I have a feeling I’ll be paid in a whole lot of “good job’s” and “hey thanks” and that’s okay with me.

  64. On August 23rd, 2009 at 12:24 am kate Says:

    i had answers. then i saw the cute baby. combine that with all my twitching and edge-sitting and i can’t remember.


  65. On August 23rd, 2009 at 5:24 am Sherry Says:

    It’s so nice to come here and read what you have to say. It’s nice to read the comments from real people who talk like real people do. Please (and I am begging here) don’t sanitize what you have to say. I absolutely love the way you put things. I get so tired of reading ‘poof’ shit or people complaining about ‘foul’ language. Grow up, dammit. When my daughter was four years old way back mumble mumble years ago, we were on our way to the daycare when she looked ever so seriously at me and asks “Mama, I know I can say hell, right?”. My children were allowed to use these colorful adjectives in my presence as long as they were grammatically correct in doing so. After all, they learned to speak English from me so how could I tell them not to? I answered “Yes”. She went on, “And I can say shit right?” “Uh, yes” says I wondering where this was leading. And then in her sweetest most innocent voice she says “So, can I say fuck?” That very moment was when the greatest and most useful answer in the world came to me, “When you’re 13.” The day she turned 13 she knew all the answers anyway and spared me a lot of misery which was good because I’d been dreading it. Now, where else could I tell that story??? You give all of us a forum to speak our feelings just the nasty way they are. Nope, don’t change a thing Aunt Becky. We love you just the way you are!

    If I hear another person make a cutesy name for a swear, I may herniate myself. I’m very glad that you like it. So far, I only had 2 people on Twitter tell me that swearing was some sign of being stupid. Which, obviously.

  66. On August 23rd, 2009 at 6:12 am Z Says:

    Dear Aunt Becky,

    I have not bothered to read all your comments because, damn, that’s a lot when I haven’t even finished my first mug o’ coffee. So this may not be your first advice question. But I’ll pretend it is. Because that makes me feel all warm and snuggly inside. Oh, wait. That’s the coffee.

    Here’s my question: How early is too early to start nailing into the (thin) walls of my apartment to hang up tons o’ shit? Because I know damn well my neighbors are going to be hearing it. I mean, can I start the home decor re-do at 6am without convincing them I’m an asshole? No, probably not. 8? 10? How late is too late? Midnight? 3am? 😉

    And a follow-up question: perhaps I DO want to convince them I’m an asshole? When would be the best time for nailing and drilling to do that? Huh?

    I just love you. You’ll be my first question! Hooray!

  67. On August 23rd, 2009 at 6:39 am Katy Says:

    I read Jenny McCarthy’s first autism book earlier this summer just to see what the hype was. You are very right in staying away. She’s one crazy bitch.

    I had a feeling that hers was one of those awful preachy-judgmental books I hate. Because really? Not all kids are alike. Having a child with issues is hard enough without having to listen to how McCarthy cured him with vitamins and organic food grown on the backs of migrant workers, or whatever.

  68. On August 23rd, 2009 at 8:14 am Aries Says:

    Aunt Becky,

    Thanks for being so fricken’ hilarious. You have been a partial influence on my newly created blog ( and i mentioned you in the first entry. You rock. Keep up the good work!


    Must. Check. You. Out. Hooray!

  69. On August 23rd, 2009 at 8:17 am Lucy Says:

    How’s the book deal going?
    Is there going to be a price discount for regular readers/commenters?
    Can I get a 1% discount on the price for each comment I leave between now and when it’s published?

    So far it’s a hell of a lot of hurry-up-n-wait which is making me anxious and gassy.

  70. On August 23rd, 2009 at 8:21 am Love Says:

    I say start with the buzz to get him used to it and then cue ball all the way. I didn’t notice the cone head, so that might pose some additional risks, but really, I’m not sure anything is worse than the little wispies on top.

    By the way, I need some advice: there is a guy a used to know in high school who I’m friends with on Facebook that used to have really great hair, but now he has the EXACT SAME problem as the Daver and his girlfriend posts close to 6 million pictures of him a month and its like “Can someone please tell this man that he looks a million fucking years old and kind of like a pedophile?” We haven’t spoken since high school but we were really good friends back then and I am very tempted to write him every single day to ask him when having hair like that became acceptable? Do you think I should, or should I just de-friend him so I’m not subjected to that hideousness everyday? Its just so sad. He is a good person with VERY VERY bad hair, and I feel if nobody else is going to tell him, then maybe God put me on this earth to be the one. What do you think?

    Bwahahahahahahahaha! Bwahahahahahaha! I *wipes eyes* I just don’t know. Bwahahahahaha!


  71. On August 23rd, 2009 at 8:44 am sky Says:

    Please keep swearing. I prefer it to bleach.

    Advice column? I would like it if you kept it here but I can follow anywhere so I guess whatever works for you.

    I think I’m going to make the advice column a weekly Sunday thing. Sunday is a good day for it, right? Isn’t that when Dear Abby does her thing?

  72. On August 23rd, 2009 at 8:51 am Jenn Says:

    Your daughter is too fucking adorable. I want to squuuuuuuuuish her.
    Also, she looks a lot like you.
    So by some kind of transitive property you are fucking adorable.
    I have about 8 gazillion questions I need answered but something tells me you are not in the mood to dissect (figuratively, I know you love the literal kind) and explain life and the universe (and why said universe hates my brain).
    But I will happily read the Q&As if you post them here. It’s GOT to be better than Dear Abby. xoxo

    P.S. I love parentheses so the more you use the better. I’m just saying.

    My daughter looks like a mini version of my father. Which is sort of creepy. But thankfully, I love my dad, or that would be TOTALLY awkward.

    And I think The Daver is going to set up something for you guys to be able to anonymously submit questions.

  73. On August 23rd, 2009 at 11:33 am Anjali Says:

    Congrats on the writing job! Looking forward to getting even more of an Aunt Becky fix.

    Well, thank you kindly. We’ll see how it pans out, you know?

  74. On August 23rd, 2009 at 12:39 pm Kristina Says:

    Here is a question for your first advice column:

    Dear Aunt Becky:

    When you’re 7 weeks pregnant and and are SO.FUCKING.EXHAUSTED that you can’t see straight, and then your two year old starts screaming because the PAPER fell off his GRANOLA BAR, and you start crying because you don’t know how you are going to handle TWO children, and all I want is FUCKING BEER, how do you keep from going insane?

    This one is easy: I laugh. And then I cry. And then I laugh. But I bet I can answer it with lots more words.

  75. On August 24th, 2009 at 6:29 am Candid Engineer Says:

    Love the pic of Amelia.

    That was post-stitch removal! She freaking rules.

  76. On August 24th, 2009 at 8:11 am Dot Says:

    Sounds like a really fun project. I can just imagine the kind of advice you’ll be spewing forth, er I mean giving out. 😉 I want to say that foul language doesn’t bother me, but I’ve noticed that casual foul language does. However, foul language in describing serious, awful things, like someone getting a leg blown off in war, seems appropriate.

    I can absolutely see that. Makes sense to me.

  77. On August 24th, 2009 at 9:58 am Coco Says:

    I like Alina’s advice – designate a regular advice column day here on MWV. I absolutely love when you do “Mail! Bag! Fun! Time!” so the advice column should be just as priceless.

    I love everything you write. And I’m not just saying that to get into your pants. Probably. 😉

    P.S. Mimi gets cuter every day.

    Coco, you can get into my pants any time you want.

  78. On August 24th, 2009 at 2:18 pm Manda Says:

    Most cities have a weekly free publication…I’m guessing yours is one of them. Have you considered perhaps speaking to a free weekly about writing a column for them??

    The WHOLE REASON I got into the blogging community was because I read the columns of a fabulous girl writer and had to have more…so I looked up her blog. You can check her out here:

    Check it out.

    Good call, yo.

  79. On August 24th, 2009 at 6:43 pm Suzy Voices Says:

    Don’t you dare take the foul language out. It’s one of the many reasons I love you. And and advice column? Yes, please! You’d be great at it, I know.

    Now I just need to come up with a way to have them able to be submitted anonymously.

  80. On August 25th, 2009 at 9:04 am Becca Says:

    You absolutely rock! I can’t wait to read more from you, wherever you are. About the advice thing, maybe you could just put it as a tag somewhere on this blog??? I don’t know.

    And that baby is absolutely smooshably adorable. I just want to squeeze her! Don’t worry, I really wouldn’t, but babies are great!

    Aw, thank you. Mimi is totally smooshey.

  81. On August 27th, 2009 at 7:24 am Kendra Says:

    A little late, but my excuse is that I’ve been out of town, so I’m reading like two weeks’ worth of entries at once. Should be Aunt Becky overload, but somehow not!

    Regarding the swearing, I love it. First, of course, it’s obviously part of who you are, not some intentional affectation for no good reason. But the other thing is that as an at-home mom, I feel like I’m always censoring myself. I can’t do or say what I want because of little eyes and ears always trained on me. It’s nice to see a reminder (from a fellow mom) that you can still act like a grown-up.

    So on a related note, I love the advice column thing and will totally read it here. I am too lazy to look in another place and appreciate the laziness of you and your readers insofar as it makes my own laziness easier.

    And here’s a slightly serious question, though I think you can address it with your trademark(ed) humor. As a parent, particularly one who stays at home ALL DAY EVERY DAY, how you do create space in your brain for your grown-up self? I mean, there’s the “you” who is all wholesome and a good role model and insists that the 3-year-old not squish his head into your breasts every time he wants to snuggle (well, maybe yours doesn’t require that reminder, but mine does). And then there’s the “you” that would like to use those boobs recreationally, at least every once in a while, who swears and maybe really wants a cigarette sometimes even though you quit more than six years ago, who wants to feel irresponsible and sexy and grown up–and not grown up in a “wow, I remind me of my mother” kind of way. How do you manage that balance?

    Is that way too heavy a question? Sorry, I’ve been packed into a pop-up trailer with my husband and three kids for 11 days and may be in need of some post-vacation therapy. But I look forward to the advice column, swears and all!

    That’s an EXCELLENT question.

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