Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Because I Win At LIFE


I’ve said it before, and I’ve meant it every time: I don’t tend to win stuff. I mean, I win at LIFE and all that, but that’s one of those things people say to The Losers when really they’re snickering behind your back because shit, no, you really don’t win anything. Sucks to be YOU.

Here is a brief rundown of the things I have not–and will not–won:

  • The Lottery. While I don’t ever PLAY it, I’m as shocked as you to report, they don’t just give you the winnings for saying off-handedly to the overweight and stoned cashier that you’d like to win it one day as you bought your large Diet Coke.
  • My 3rd Grade classes 3-legged race. Because I fell down and ruined it all. Hey, what else is new?
  • Prom Queen. Because I was too busy being drunk and hot-tubbing at a party to remember to get all gussied up and shake my booty to a PG version of “Brown Eyed Girl” with the whole “makin’ love in the green grass” part taken out. Because THINK OF THE CHILDREN! *cue handwringing*
  • The genetics that would make me 5’11 with long blonde hair (that is always romantically windblown, even inside), a teeny waist, and a nice rack.
  • Class President. Now, I wasn’t campaigning for it, nor would I have wanted to actually BE Class President, but I need to tell you that there was no grass-roots movement to get me elected. I KNOW, right? The UNFAIRNESS of it all.
  • An Heiress. I’m not really particular about which family, so long as I can sleep in a vault of money and pay someone to wipe my butt after I poo. While I know this isn’t something that’s really “won,” it’s another example of how wanting something badly enough doesn’t do any good.

After all, not everyone can be an astronaut.

When I was nominated for Funniest Blogger, a contest I didn’t even know was going on until a sweet Twitter Gnomie put me up for it, I was shocked. I told The Daver that I was now up for the award and then proceeded to laugh as I listed my competition. Because the competition should have kicked my lily-white ass to the curb and then made me buy it breakfast at IHOP.

And yet.

And somehow.

I won.

I tied for winner with Cake Wrecks, which is pretty much saying that Dooce and I won the same award. It’s like winning something alongside THE POPE. Which, hi, not going to happen. Except when it does. Because it did.

I’m as shocked as you are.

I’ll give you a minute to let this sink in because I’m still all, “I thought Punk’d went off the air when the dude from it married that old lady from Ghost.”






Done? Angrily writing nasty-grams to the organizers of the Social Luxe awards informing them of how very wrong their decisions were? I kind of want to send one myself, although, not for Cake Wrecks. They were a shoo-in. Starting hate blogs devoted to me yet? Telling Barrack Obama that he should fire me from life?

But no. They’re never going to pry the awesome award out of my nubbly little fingers as long as I live and breathe. I’m considering naming the trophy something like, “Bob” or “Earl” or “Princess Grace of Monaco” and sleeping with it at night. Maybe I’ll take it for carriage rides and long walks on the beach; maybe I’ll dress it in the teeny-tiny new baby clothes that my children will never wear again. Maybe I will take it out to dinner in lieu of going with my family members.

Because that’s what Winners do, right?


Wait, I thought you were up for Funniest LOOKING Blogger, Mom!


Nom, nom, nom, so THAT’S what victory tastes like. Hm. Minty.


Keep your hands off my deranged looking husband, and I will cut a bitch if you go near my award. I have a feeling absolutely no one will try and touch the award now. He’s like my own personal vault. Only human.

Thank you so much to everyone who voted for me, even if you’d interpreted it as the Funniest LOOKING Blogger. I really, honestly couldn’t have done this without you. Shut up! I am NOT crying! I have ALLERGIES. And a GLANDULAR problem, people!


Here are the other winners as I don’t think they’ve been put up online yet. You should absolutely go and check them all out:

Blogs We’ve Learned the Most From: I Heart Faces & The Pioneer Woman Cooks

Most Inspiring Blog: Nie Nie Dialogues & The Spohrs are Multiplying

Most Provocative Blog: The Bloggess & Her Bad Mother

Tastiest Blog : This Week For Dinner & The Pioneer Woman Cooks

Funniest Blog: Cake Wrecks & Mommy Wants Vodka

Best Eye Candy Blog: I Should Be Folding Laundry & whatever

Guiltiest Pleasure Blog: MamaPop & Craftastrophe

posted under I Suck At Life
84 Comments to

“Because I Win At LIFE”

  1. On July 25th, 2009 at 10:45 pm Betsy Says:

    Congratulations! You are a winner!

  2. On July 25th, 2009 at 10:48 pm Kymberli Says:

    Huge, huge, huge congratulations to you, Becky! I’m sooooo happy for you!

  3. On July 25th, 2009 at 10:49 pm Susan @ Reading Upside Down Says:

    Well done! I think I might make you my blogging hero and model all future efforts after the sterling example you set here.

    I’m off to pour myself a drink so that I can toast your success!

  4. On July 25th, 2009 at 10:52 pm fidget Says:

    Melia knows how good victory tastes now, be careful she may be blood thirsty now! Congrats bitch!!

  5. On July 25th, 2009 at 11:54 pm Blog Internet Marketing » Because I Win At LIFE Says:

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  6. On July 25th, 2009 at 10:54 pm The Modern Woman Says:

    Congratulations on your fabulous award!!

  7. On July 25th, 2009 at 11:14 pm Danielle Says:

    I didn’t think you were up for Funniest LOOKING Blogger, I knew it was FUNNIEST! Congrats to you and all the winners!

    That awar is very cute. As is the one munching on it.

  8. On July 25th, 2009 at 11:36 pm Mrs. Spit Says:

    You totally deserve it, even if there is someone with no feet just one blog over. . . .

  9. On July 25th, 2009 at 11:41 pm Kate Says:

    You SO deserved this award and I’m thrilled you won!!!!


  10. On July 25th, 2009 at 11:48 pm AlmostMrsJoyner Says:

    Aunt B, I am SO happy & proud of you!! Congratulations, you deserve it SO much!!

  11. On July 25th, 2009 at 11:57 pm trish Says:


  12. On July 26th, 2009 at 1:34 am Mwa Says:

    Woo-hoo! Congratulations!

  13. On July 26th, 2009 at 2:36 am Posts about Dooce as of July 26, 2009 » The Daily Parr Says:

    […] about Dooce as of July 26, 2009 Because I Win At LIFE – 07/26/2009 I’ve said it before, and I’ve meant it every time: I don’t […]

  14. On July 26th, 2009 at 5:50 am RJ Flamingo Says:

    I know I tweeted you my congrats, the other night, but I’m sure it got lost in all the confetti and shit – but I don’t mind saying it again (in more than 140 characters): Congratulations! I think you should put it on one of those rapper-style humongous gold chains and wear it whenever you go to the emergency room – THAT will command respect. And put them on notice… 😀

  15. On July 26th, 2009 at 5:21 am Reticent Says:

    Congratulations ! This is big ! You won against someone who has her own TV show!

  16. On July 26th, 2009 at 5:41 am Reticent Says:

    Sorry, I was mistaken about the tv show. Congratulations. You deserve to win.

  17. On July 26th, 2009 at 6:18 am Eva Says:

    That’s so wonderful, amazing! Tied with Cakewrecks! Congratulations!

  18. On July 26th, 2009 at 7:01 am Danielle Says:

    Congrats, you funny lady!

  19. On July 26th, 2009 at 7:25 am Alex Says:


    I read about your award on Cake Wrecks and came here to see what the ruckus was about. True story.

    At first, I was confused. How could a blog be funny without pictures of Cake FAIL? But after reading MWV, my eyes are opened. You are now in my blog reader. On speed dial. I’d even put you above Cake Wrecks but the list gets sorted alphabetically, so you’d need to change your name to something starting with a B.

    See? Winning is good press and gets you new readers. Not that you need readers–you won, so apparently many people already know about non-cake-based humor. I’m still getting used to the idea. But congratulations again. You are the winner. And you did it without cake, which also means you win the tie.

  20. On July 26th, 2009 at 8:28 am Badass Geek Says:

    See? I told you you’d win.

    Rock and roll.

  21. On July 26th, 2009 at 7:49 am a Says:

    Congratulations! And they say solicitation doesn’t pay!

  22. On July 26th, 2009 at 8:03 am Inna Says:

    YEAY! Congratulations!!! I knew all the voting would pay off 🙂

  23. On July 26th, 2009 at 8:10 am Jenn Says:

    Nicely done! You totally deserve it. Keep rockin’ the cashbar.

  24. On July 26th, 2009 at 8:18 am Kristin Says:

    Aaah…finally the blogoverse gets something right! Wooohooooo…you deserve it chica!

  25. On July 26th, 2009 at 9:59 am Merritt Says:

    Finally all that bribery paid off! I kid, I kid. Well done. I voted for you like 8732498237598423759843275 times. Just a little more proof that you’re pretty kick ass.

  26. On July 26th, 2009 at 9:15 am Lisa Says:

    Congratulations! Cake Wrecks actually linked YOUR blog in her list of winner announcements and here I am. I’ve put you in my Google Reader and am looking forward to your blog! 🙂

  27. On July 26th, 2009 at 10:22 am Kristina Says:

    You deserve it, congratulations!!

  28. On July 26th, 2009 at 10:38 am CrazyPeopleI'veWorkedWith Says:

    Great blog. Coongrats on your win!!

  29. On July 26th, 2009 at 10:53 am Lola Says:

    Nice!!! Now you’ve got to be funny every single day 😉

  30. On July 26th, 2009 at 10:00 am Amanda Says:

    Congratulations! It is richly deserved.
    And um….what is a gnome?

  31. On July 26th, 2009 at 11:26 am S Says:

    Which just goes to show that no one can touch Aunt Becky for The Funny. (except CW of course, but I think I’d rather be here than there), because what you have, beyond The Funny, is heart and that makes all the difference.

  32. On July 26th, 2009 at 11:41 am Birdpress Says:

    Congrats! I knew you’d win! Yours is one of the few blogs I actually read almost every day, even when I am not in a blog-reading mood. 🙂

  33. On July 26th, 2009 at 11:42 am Nicole Says:


    (tiny marching band walks through)


  34. On July 26th, 2009 at 11:59 am Lynn Craig Says:

    Congratulations….I love cake wrecks & the contest brought me to your blog.

  35. On July 26th, 2009 at 12:21 pm Bluebird Says:

    ACCCCKKKK!!!! OhMyGosh! Congratulations, that’s so much fun! I’m so happy for you. And I agree with RJ Flamingo – it’s just *begging* to be made in to jewelry 🙂

  36. On July 26th, 2009 at 12:25 pm swirl girl Says:

    Are you at BlogHer to accept your award? Do you have a long and wonderful speech dotted with funny things and amusing anecdotes in the offing??

    and just look at Amelia’s chunky monkey baby legs and sausage toes!! Nom, nom, nom is right!!

  37. On July 26th, 2009 at 12:29 pm Jen Anderson Says:

    Congratulations!!! Enjoy the fame and fortune. Well, enjoy the fame. You should totally get cash & prizes too.

  38. On July 26th, 2009 at 12:29 pm ZenMom Says:

    Awesome. Congratulations!

  39. On July 26th, 2009 at 12:44 pm Amanda Says:

    Congrats!! I love the bling.

  40. On July 26th, 2009 at 12:56 pm stacey@Havoc&Mayhem Says:

    Congratulations! I knew you’d kick the competitions ass!

  41. On July 26th, 2009 at 12:58 pm docgrumbles Says:

    It was meant to be a baby’s chew toy! Congrats again!

  42. On July 26th, 2009 at 3:13 pm kalakly Says:

    sweet, you kick ass, totally.

  43. On July 26th, 2009 at 3:46 pm Jenn Says:

    Totally cool. Totally deserved.
    Woo hoo!!
    And you know, I had NO idea people got really real awards for those things. So that’s pretty awesome. Like you. 😉

  44. On July 26th, 2009 at 4:38 pm Brenda Says:

    C O N G R A T Z – T O Y O U – Y O U O W N I T G I R L !!!

  45. On July 26th, 2009 at 4:58 pm Ginger Magnolia Says:

    Hooray for Aunt Becky! Does this mean we can say we knew ya when…? I can’t think of anyone who deserves awards and lots of praise and money more than you, babe. I mean, a blogger who gets tons of hits and comments, yet still actually goes and reads OTHER blogs and even sometimes comments there, too?! You’re a rarity, and a gem. And those pictures? Fucking hilarious and totally adorable.

  46. On July 26th, 2009 at 5:35 pm Leadia Jarvis Says:

    Hey – could you get that award set into a band so you could WEAR IT like a big, freaking cocktail ring? That would be sweet.

  47. On July 26th, 2009 at 5:54 pm Amber Says:

    Woohoo, congrats on winning!

    I know your blog always makes me laugh so the award was definately well deserved.

  48. On July 26th, 2009 at 6:33 pm Wishing4One Says:

    Big congrats sista! You know the Daver does look a bit excited… Oh and I agree set that bitch in gold and rock it instead of your wedding ring.

  49. On July 26th, 2009 at 7:53 pm SciFi Dad Says:


    I take it my perl script worked then?

  50. On July 26th, 2009 at 7:31 pm alex Says:

    Found you from Cake Wrecks. I have been laughing out loud and going back and looking at your archives. You are now in my reader and I am SO totally looking forward to reading your blog!

  51. On July 26th, 2009 at 9:32 pm Sunny Says:

    CONGRATULATIONS!!!! Well deserved, of course. 🙂

  52. On July 26th, 2009 at 9:44 pm Lori in Denver Says:

    Toasting you with my own mommy vodka.


  53. On July 26th, 2009 at 10:51 pm Mrs. La La Says:

    Congrats! You deserve it hun!

  54. On July 27th, 2009 at 4:53 am June Says:

    You really do rock. And that award is so pretty! Oooo! Congratulations, mom who wishes for vodka.

  55. On July 27th, 2009 at 4:59 am DG at Says:

    Congratulations! It’s quite a bonus that they inscribe your award on the hope diamond. Sweet!

  56. On July 27th, 2009 at 6:20 am Nancy Says:

    Congrats! You totally deserved it!!!!! Woot!!!!

  57. On July 27th, 2009 at 7:01 am SCY Says:

    Congratulations you winner you!


  58. On July 27th, 2009 at 6:33 am heather Says:

    You may have been surprised, but none of us were. =) Good job!

  59. On July 27th, 2009 at 8:13 am Dot Says:

    Aunt Becky, you rock!

  60. On July 27th, 2009 at 8:21 am Melinda Says:


  61. On July 27th, 2009 at 7:25 am 'cuz I'm the mommy, that's why Says:

    I’m so proud! Congratulations!

  62. On July 27th, 2009 at 8:27 am Lucy Cooper Says:

    You deserve it, lady. You are witty, genuine and fun to read.

    When I read your blog, I find myself wishing that we lived in the same town, so that you could come over for a beer and some Rotel dip. And that’s the highest compliment I can give a blogger.

  63. On July 27th, 2009 at 8:35 am Anna Says:

    You completely kick ass. Wooo-hoo!

  64. On July 27th, 2009 at 8:38 am Apple Sauce Says:


  65. On July 27th, 2009 at 9:03 am CLC Says:

    Yay! Congrats! You deserve it!

  66. On July 27th, 2009 at 9:55 am Coco Says:

    I KNEW you’d win, Becks! ‘Gratz! Margaritas and martinis for everyone!

  67. On July 27th, 2009 at 12:02 pm Sarah Says:

    I just read about your award over on Cake Wrecks and bebopped over here to congratulate you! I <3 Cake Wrecks but I’d been voting for you so I’m glad y’all tied.

  68. On July 27th, 2009 at 12:38 pm Notesfromthegrove Says:

    Yeah, cut a bitch! That’s the best phrase ever!

    Whoever invented Kathy Griffin should win an award. But not YOUR award–oh no. No, no, no.

  69. On July 27th, 2009 at 12:20 pm Kelly Says:

    OH MY! I love your blog, you’re so funny! I added your button to my blog! Congrats on the win!! 🙂

  70. On July 27th, 2009 at 12:30 pm mumma boo Says:

    Hot damn! Congratulations, lady!!

  71. On July 27th, 2009 at 1:24 pm Suzy Voices Says:

    You totally deserved it, yo.

  72. On July 27th, 2009 at 5:59 pm Kendra Says:

    Congratulations! I’m so glad you won! I’ve checked out Cake Wrecks since the contest (never heard of it before), and it’s pretty funny. But I have to say, it’s one thing to point out other people’s funny; it’s another thing to make it up yourself. You totally deserved this award!

  73. On July 27th, 2009 at 7:08 pm Fiddle1 Says:

    Oh, so totally well-deserved!!! And you are the most gracious, sweetest person on-line that I know. And probably in real life..though I don’t know you IRL. Seriously. We all love our Aunt Becky.

  74. On July 27th, 2009 at 6:15 pm Venti Vixen Says:

    Congrats, jam out with your clam out – you deserve it!

  75. On July 27th, 2009 at 7:48 pm magpie Says:

    You didn’t show me that awesome ruby!

  76. On July 27th, 2009 at 8:00 pm sharon Says:

    totally deserved!!! u’re my hero! ♥

  77. On July 27th, 2009 at 8:33 pm Wendy Says:

    I found you because The Bloggess mentioned that you won. Congratulations. First of all, I won a cakewalk once. In fourth grade. Which totally rocked. But that was pretty much it so I feel you. Second of all, I agree. Why the hell isn’t anyone writing about the rib pain in “what to expect”. I filled a sock with rice and microwaved it and held it against my ribs for about four months until it got full of bugs. Kinda helped.

  78. On July 27th, 2009 at 9:43 pm SwagHer ‘09 Says:

    […] be there.  To all of you who are awesome, classy (or maybe not), thoughtful, wonderful, hilarious, inspiring, indignant, and representing Toronto in style — thank you, thank you, thank you.  […]

  79. On July 27th, 2009 at 9:32 pm sarah Says:

    Congratulations!!! You deserve it!!

  80. On July 28th, 2009 at 8:38 am lady lemon Says:

    I am so happy for you! You really did deserve it!

    If I didn’t think so, I wouldn’t have voted for you, oh, a dozen or so times.

    : )

  81. On July 28th, 2009 at 12:56 pm Karen Sugarpants (One of two Crafastrophe Chicks) Says:

    Totally deserved. You ARE funny.

  82. On July 29th, 2009 at 2:49 pm Katie Says:


    YAY! Big congratulations. Tying (is that spelled right?) with Cake Wrecks is huge. And now all their readers will come here and you’ll have like one million people a DAY reading your blog. BRAVO!!!

  83. On July 31st, 2009 at 7:54 am Angellee Says:

    AHHHHHHHHHHHH ALLL my crazy voting paid off!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHA HOOOO! Congrats!

  84. On August 2nd, 2009 at 4:00 pm Ms. Moon Says:

    CONGRATULATIONS, BECKY! See what you would have missed if you’d been in my suitcase in Cozumel.
    You do really rock.
    Love you….Ms. Moon

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