Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Because How Do You Follow Up A Post About Suicide?


*No, really, how do you do that without sounding a) overly deep? or b) callous? I don’t know quite what line to walk there.

*Because when I was on Twitter tweeting about #yellowballoons and #suicideprevention the rest of the day I was all, “um, can I tweet about anything normal like MY VAGINA ever again?”

*Most people probably wouldn’t call that NORMAL, but then again, most people don’t have the absurd kind of assumed familiarity of calling themselves Aunt Becky on The Internet so really, who is to say what is normal in that instance?

*At least I don’t call myself “Mrs. Justin Beaver” because that would be creepy. He’s like 12 and with the exception of his flippy hair I DO NOT understand the appeal.

*Thank you to all who took the time to tweet, comment, or send love yesterday or today. Unlike most of the causes, suicide and depression are two of the ones that people ACTUALLY can feel the support and effects from the the effort. I got probably 20 messages from people (not spammers!) who had been affected by this and really appreciated people talking about it.

*It solidified even further my feeling that people are almost entirely good.

*My luck with scales, however, is almost entirely bad. Not like you’d imagine, though. Somehow I’ve managed to encounter two SEPARATELY broken scales that registered my weight at….(wait for it)….0.0 pounds.

*I’m pretty sure that makes me VERY skinny and I should probably gorge on donuts.

*Except that filthy scale lies because it also informed me that chubby Amelia weighs 0.0 pounds and according to my back, that is a LYING LIE.

*But 2 broken scales (one brand new!) would give me a complex if the top weight on the newest one wasn’t 400 pounds and I hadn’t recently been to a doctor to determine that I weighed NOWHERE NEAR 400 pounds.

*Do you guys REALLY want me to talk about dieting and the Diabetic Diet any more? I feel like kind of a stooge blogging about dieting, but when I read about OTHER bloggers dieting I get all inspired, so I’m ASKING you if that’s inspiring or interesting or if it makes you want to stab out your eardrums out of boredom.

(I can always make it a separate series of pages at the top, I guess.)

*Tomorrow I’ll have the page up for the votes for the camera contest (today will be the last day to enter).

*Solidifying my desire to move down south, I found an energy drink called “Whoop-Ass.” I require this to live and I cannot find it up here. I could ORDER it from The Internet, but it’s not the same, you see.

*I just want to be able to say, “Imma open up a can of (sugar-free) WHOOP-ASS on you!”

What’s randomly on YOUR mind today, Pranksters?

posted under Cheaper Than Rehab
49 Comments to

“Because How Do You Follow Up A Post About Suicide?”

  1. On June 14th, 2010 at 11:57 am habanerogal Says:

    I think people would pay good money for a scale that says you weigh 0.0 lbs or kilos even. Auction them off and then give the money to the suicide hotline then everything will fit into place. Saw my first bone blister yesterday. How were you ever a nurse?? Scary stuff.

  2. On June 14th, 2010 at 12:07 pm the Matty Says:

    Let ‘er rip, I say. The best homage to those no longer w/ us is to live life fully. As a token of respect for all lost this year, I’m going to have a piece of pie.

    O.K. fine. I’m gonna have a pie. That’s O.K. though, ‘cuz I’m gonna work out later today. O.K. I’m gonna take a nap, but that’s something, right? Right? (sigh) I’ll be going now.

  3. On June 14th, 2010 at 12:18 pm a Says:

    Sorry but I think Justin Beaver’s hair looks like a bad bowl cut.

  4. On June 14th, 2010 at 5:11 pm daisybv2 Says:

    I AGREE!

  5. On June 14th, 2010 at 12:21 pm Lisa Says:

    I vote for more anti-Justin Beaver! Seriously, the kid must have sold his soul to the devil. My girls LOVE HIM and I stupidly bought the evil-“Baby” song from itunes a month ago. It is on repeat all FING DAY! They beg for it. The 4yr old is going to “mawwy him” and plays “mommy-daddy” with their kids (4 babies and counting). The 19m old woke up this morning, ran for the ipod and cried “Baby Baby OHHHHH” until I turned it on – AGAIN!

    Poking sharp objects in my ears while I type this.

  6. On June 14th, 2010 at 12:25 pm Shel Says:

    I too find it inspiring when bloggers talk about diet and exercise. So even discounting the fact that this is your freakin’ blog and you can write whatever you want…I say go to it! (And you have never been boring.)

  7. On June 14th, 2010 at 12:28 pm Jennifer B Says:

    Um, Justin Beaver is just a major PIA and he should go away, and his awful hairstyle too. I work in a high school, see, and these kids… they just TRY way too f-ing hard to look stupid like that. I mean, really? You want to look like you forgot to cut your hair for a year and then someone flushed you down the toilet and your hair stayed that way? Really? Ew. His music isn’t as awful as the way he looks, as long as you think that a girl is singing, which I did until I found out who Justin Beaver was. Doh!

    Random stuff on my mind today… My son is in love with the Glee video of Bad Romance. We are currently on the 973rd playing of said video. It’s good, really. But I’m about done with it now. And why does it have to be so ass hot that it hurts to be outside??

  8. On June 14th, 2010 at 12:34 pm mumma boo Says:

    R: Ridiculous amount of attention that Justin Bibshit gets
    A: Another Awesome post from Aunt Becky
    N: Nine – # of toes that got painted without any do-overs
    D: Diet updates are fine by me – keep me inspired, too, please
    O: OMG, there are only 5 days of school left
    M: Million – # of Wii bowling games Cenzo has played in the last week

    Ok, now I’m tired and need an energy drink. If I find some Whoop-Ass around here, I will ship it to you.

  9. On June 14th, 2010 at 12:46 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    School IS out here. My children are trying to kill each other. Or me. Or all of us. Send, um, handlers.

  10. On June 14th, 2010 at 11:41 am Peggy Brister Says:

    My bewbs keep itching. I got in a tanning bed and they always make me itch. I know, it’s bad for you and I am going to get cancer, but it keeps me from having S.A.D from season changes and it makes me all brownish and less fat looking. That’s what’s on my mind. My itchy tatas.

  11. On June 14th, 2010 at 12:49 pm Bummed Uterus Says:

    Luckily my son wants to look like Justin Beaver but couldn’t care less about his music.

    Today I am thinking my guts hurt and maybe I should go home sick and take a long nap.

    Also thinking “stealing gives you herpes” is really funny.

  12. On June 14th, 2010 at 12:56 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    It seems a better “don’t steal my crap” line than “don’t steal my crap,” right? I mean, I could be mad at the feed scrapers, or I could wish VD on them. VD wins every time.

  13. On June 14th, 2010 at 12:57 pm Emma Says:

    No diet blogs!! I’m finally at a healthy weight (after years of being underweight and food issues) and all diet blogs do is make me feel guilty about the choccy biscuit I had with my cuppa tea earlier! more bitching about the weird school mums please- that I can seriously relate (and contribute if the need called) to

  14. On June 14th, 2010 at 1:04 pm robert Says:

    my wife is being a PIA about Arizona’s immigration law. On Sunday we’ll be at Four Corners, so I’m going to push her into the Arizona square and call the INS folks to have her deported.

  15. On June 14th, 2010 at 1:11 pm Angela Says:

    I may have ingested too much coffee this morning as I’m currently having trouble focusing and maybe even seeing spots. Am procrastinating, while at work, like nobody’s business. And, finally, I need gum.

    Diet posts are okay by me. I want the scale that reads 0.0.

  16. On June 15th, 2010 at 1:20 am mel Says:

    a friend of mine’s FB status said she made her coffee with red Bull instead of water… and now she sees sounds! Kinda makes me want to try it actually…

  17. On June 14th, 2010 at 12:24 pm Elly Lou Says:

    I can’t stop craving corn dogs. Plus I think I could make a bazillion dollars if I designed a corn dog vibrator. What color should I paint my toes?

  18. On June 14th, 2010 at 12:25 pm Hi, I'm Natalie. Says:

    I think that you should start by tweeting about ball-sacks before moving to vaginas. It’ll help ease you back into normalcy.

  19. On June 14th, 2010 at 1:30 pm mrs ellenoy Says:

    Japan just won its first World Cup match outside of the 2002 WC that was held in Japan. So, awesome. And also, the World Cup should last way longer than one month. Two at the very least, I say.

  20. On June 14th, 2010 at 4:57 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    In my house, we’re recording it, so that it WILL last over and over and over and over and over again.

  21. On June 15th, 2010 at 10:10 am mrs ellenoy Says:

    Hope you don’t mind that we’ll be coming to YOUR house…

  22. On June 14th, 2010 at 1:38 pm Sarah Says:

    I’m excited today because after entering kabillions of blog giveaways, I finally won one today. Granted, there were 16 entries, but WHATEVER! I WON!

    Also, Justin Bieber needs to go back to wherever he came from. One of the best facebook groups I’ve ever seen was something like, “I used to be able to sing like Justin Bieber. . .but then I turned 4.” Hi-larious.

  23. On June 14th, 2010 at 4:57 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I never win shit. Probably because I’m all “I don’t win shit” and don’t enter because you can’t win shit you don’t enter! But hey, CONGRATS!

  24. On June 14th, 2010 at 2:01 pm inannasstar Says:

    1. How do you follow up a post about suicide? Just like you just did.

    2. I lived in the South for 6 years. You’re not missing much and frankly, I don’t know if they’re ready for you. They certainly weren’t ready for this Jersey Girl/Yankee Bitch and I’m back to the motherland now ; )

  25. On June 14th, 2010 at 2:34 pm cathyjoy Says:

    ooohhh! i love whoop-ass! Only i don’t drink it? i use it to keep my kid scared straight!

  26. On June 14th, 2010 at 3:06 pm Melissa Says:

    I am wondering how my file unzipped and who is going to kick my ass for sending them a 60MG file.

    And also wondering what they are calling me in their heads. I sent it to like 40 people. I know what I would be calling me. That kind of makes me laugh though.

  27. On June 14th, 2010 at 3:10 pm stacey@Havoc&Mayhem Says:

    I’m going to start referring to my smart phone as a stupid phone because really…it has no common sense at all. If I have to tell it every little thing to do and not do, then it is a stupid phone, not a smart phone.

    Other than that nothing much is on my mind, which is probably good because I am in a testy mood for some reason.

  28. On June 14th, 2010 at 3:13 pm Marianne Says:

    I wish someone would open up a can of whoop-ass on the poison ivy I have all over my arms.

  29. On June 14th, 2010 at 3:38 pm Mrs Soup Says:

    Toothpaste makes an AWESOME bug bite itch remover.

  30. On June 14th, 2010 at 3:40 pm Sharon Says:

    Going to weigh in on the diet blog issue (hee. hee.), not because said blogs are boring (Insert gushy sucking up here) but because we need to stop talking/thinking/obsessing about our weight and realize that every ounce of us is fucking awesome. And that goes for you too, Auntie.

  31. On June 14th, 2010 at 5:14 pm daisybv2 Says:


  32. On June 15th, 2010 at 11:08 pm Sharon Says:

    Why thank you! I may ROCK somewhat from time to time. I bet you do too. But my browser claims not to find your server so I can’t read your blog. I’m not giving up.

  33. On June 14th, 2010 at 3:42 pm Kori Says:

    Just stabbed my fucking eardrums AND eyeballs out with a sharp stick. Just sayin.

  34. On June 14th, 2010 at 3:20 pm Laura Says:

    My daughter can not stand Justin Bieber. Or HAnnah Montana. I think I am lucky.

  35. On June 14th, 2010 at 4:48 pm Caroline Says:

    they sell that here. I could be your supplier. kinda like a drug dealer. I wonder what the shipping charges are on a case of whoop-ass…

  36. On June 14th, 2010 at 4:50 pm pattypunker Says:

    if i want an all white room does this mean i am one step away from the sanatorium?

    i would like to see “one flew over the cuckoo’s nest” again.

    i miss jack nicholson. where has he been?

  37. On June 14th, 2010 at 4:51 pm Mwa Says:

    I had a similar problem blogging today – wanted to write about making a fool of myself with a historian, but without sounding callous because he was writing about war and atrocities. Tough line to walk. I think we can all see the difference though – do resume your vaginaspeak.

  38. On June 14th, 2010 at 5:29 pm adhocmom Says:

    How to follow up a post about suicide? Definitely with a post about Justin Beiber. Totally. .

  39. On June 14th, 2010 at 5:15 pm daisybv2 Says:

    So What I really wanna know Aunt Becky is what is the funniest story you have ever heard?

  40. On June 14th, 2010 at 8:28 pm sarah Says:

    ok, aunt becky. i’ll just use your little website here for a little bitch about my mother in law, who i love.

    her father died via suicide 2 springs ago. we heard a suicide awareness ad on the radio and she called the company and complained. told them it was callus to talk about suicide on the radio, that it is hurting people.

    uh, hey woman. it’s there to help people. maybe if your father had heard the same ad he would have gotten some help before eating the sawed off shot gun.

    damn, we miss him.

    looking forward to hearing about vaginas soon.

  41. On June 14th, 2010 at 8:48 pm Jacquie Says:

    You are the cutest thing ever, with your sweet face and foul mouth. I think I just turned gay a little bit. I don’t like vaginas though. Too fussy.

  42. On June 14th, 2010 at 9:00 pm Dawn Says:

    1) Four days until vacation.
    2) Skinny jeans don’t fit.
    3) Kennel/puppy keeper is raping my bank account.
    4) Bacon flavored vodka is wrong…and so right.
    5) Alcohol infused whipped cream is assurance that I will die happy, plump and sticky.

    Blog about whatever you want dear. No judgement from those who truly love you.

  43. On June 14th, 2010 at 9:57 pm Gadgerson Says:

    I think a vagina post is the way to go! I know suicide and depression is no joke…going threw some issues myself lately…my lovely and awesomely funny blog friends are what keeps me going a lot of days.

  44. On June 14th, 2010 at 10:46 pm Katherine Says:

    1. My Flex spending account is holding my money hostage. I’m going to have to call those fuckers and waste countless hours of my time on hold with my evil insurance company! I’m supposed to fax in a form, and they’re supposed to give me my money back. I did MY part!

    2. I’m finally down to a new tens place in my weight loss. This is exciting to me! I’ve lost 45 lbs since starting to lose weight at a very eye opening dr’s appt about 3 years ago where I basically stepped on a scale and went, “Oh shit I weigh HOW MUCH?” it’s been up and down since then, but over all trending down. My friend topomax has been responsible for a fairly steady 20 lb loss over the past 6 months, and I’m the smallest I’ve been since…probably college graduation in 2001. Still have about 55-60 more lbs to go, but I’m happy as long as I’m trending down.

  45. On June 14th, 2010 at 10:18 pm Lucy Cooper Says:

    I saw a picture of Justin Beaver on the Interweb yesterday, and the first thought that went through my mind was, “Now why would Parker Posey go and get a shitty haircut like that?” Maybe it was just his facial expression or the fact that his mouth was open, but I really thought it was her, with a Dumb and Dumber haircut.

  46. On June 15th, 2010 at 7:28 am Leslie Murrell Says:

    And I’d love the diabetic diet. I’m not even diabetic. I love to read about diets. Not necessarily act on them. But it’s always good information to know. I just found your blog. (I’m slow). So, you’re always getting new readers! Can’t wait to pour myself a vodka tonic, send the kids over to the neighbor’s house to play and read your blog!

  47. On June 15th, 2010 at 9:11 am soccermom Says:

    Cinnamon lip gloss makes a good kiss AMAZING! You should try it!

  48. On June 15th, 2010 at 4:02 pm subWOW Says:

    Random is the best kind of cool.

  49. On June 16th, 2010 at 12:23 pm Annah Says:

    I think cupcakes is a good way to follow up a suicidal blog. What better thing than cupcakes to come back from the dead for? Oh and Justin Bieber is the cutest booger EVER! He’s sixteen, not twelve. Okay, I just sounded like a complete and utter pedophile. I’ll stop now.

Email will not be published

Website example

Your Comment:

My site was nominated for Best Humor Blog!
My site was nominated for Hottest Mommy Blogger!
Back By Popular Demand...