Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Aunt Becky Travels The World And Does Stuff.


I have a fuck-ton of swag from BlogHer that I just don’t need. Sure, I could give it to charity and be a Good Person, but I’m ALWAYS giving stuff to charity. So, I figured I’d run a contest.

I sent out my business cards to my friends who asked to play along–because of their infinite awesomeness–and they are planning to take pictures of my cards doing various things. No, not like THAT, you Uncle Pervy.

The links you see here are what, where, and who Aunt Becky has been doing (ooo! Scandalous).

The deadline for entries is September 8th at 11:59 PM and voting will open at 12:00 AM on September 9th. Voting will last for one week, and on September 15, at 11:59 PM, will dramatically cease. If all goes well (read: I can figure out the results without a Gideon’s Bible, a stack of tequila and a bottle of uppers), and it should, the winner, along with several runners-up shall be announced on September 16.

It’s like Where’s Waldo, but WAY cooler. Because it involves drugs, booze and The Internet.


First, I tackled Florida, because I was in dire need of some R and R. Too many Sausages, not enough sleep.

Then, because I am a highly skilled nurse, I examined and cared for a wee puppy. I might have gotten a little misty at the cute overload.

Then I went to Canada, where a small girl named Munchkin played a game with me. And Aunt Becky smiled when she realized the small girl could not read. Aunt Becky is not, of course, intended for small children.

As further evidence of my R-rating, I offer you proof of my debauchery with my girl Beautiful Mess.

Aunt Becky returned to her PG roots with a couple of dinosaurs and some Storm Troopers. And of course, some cuddly kittahs.

After that, Aunt Becky traveled to a land of bobble-headed kids–not unlike her own–and rednecks.

Having been a Damn Yankee (a word, I should tell you, that online Scrabble does NOT recognize because it is an assbag), for most of her life, Aunt Becky had never been to The Dirty South to meet Cardboard Brad. Until, of course, NOW.

And then, Aunt Becky needed to work through the injuries sustained on Amy’s watch, so she went up North and went Skidoo-ing. Which, of course, we all know is good for healing.

Then off to Canada for some soccer balls, condoms and tampons, Aunt Becky traveled.

Knowing that Her Aunt Becky adores Dolly Parton, Aunt Becky was taken to Dollywood. Squee!!

Then, it was time for some vodka. And it was goood.

In a stunning fit of Awesomeness, I took my favorite food group, besides butter, and turned myself into it: Stuff on Sticks.

And nothing screams “Aunt Becky” like tripping it to Iowa. I turned into The Other White Meat.


After all that fried food, I figured a good fight might help me digest the food. My ass, it was kicked.

In a stunning fit of the utmost drunkenness, I was seduced and had a foursome with an old friend. And maybe some ice cream and romance novels. And fish food.

Also: why do waste management centers always smell like poo and farts?

Then she learned to play the ukulele (also: need to learn to spell that properly), cuddled a fussy baby, and then was placed in mortal peril. OH NOES!

Aunt Becky was cornholed before hitching a ride on a monkey’s ass, and eventually hoofed it back to safety on a moose’s toe. It. Was. Rad.

Aunt Becky decided that the best course of action was to go back and get re-socialized at preschool.

It worked, for awhile. Then, she was part of an encased meats sculpture. And. it. was. divine. We all know how much Aunt Becky loves her encased meats.

Other things that Aunt Becky both loves and requires include toilets and boobie beer steins. Welcome to Germany! Aww, YEAH!

Then, in a supreme effort of defiance, screamed “NOBODY PUTS AUNT BECKY IN A CORNER!” But after that, she held a friend’s hand as she went into her PET scan. HELLS FUCKING YEAH TO REMISSION BABY!

After that, I went to hang with my East Coast bitches, where I flung poo at small children (wouldn’t you?) and drank copious amounts of tequila. I’m starting to think I’m going to have a hell of a time detoxing after this is all over.

Where else would a wanna-be microbiologist go but to a lab to grow some bacteria. Oh, and play with some wicked cool weapons. Rock. Music. Fucking scientists are awesome.

Down to the land of Florida, my business card traveled to go to work with my friend RJ Flamingo. Watch as I get rowdy, Xerox my own ass, drink some mighty fine coffee and wish like hell I lived down there.

Swallowing my hatred for DMB groupies, I went with Mrs. and Mr. Soup to a Dave Matthews Band concert. While I groaned and complained about it, we had a freaking BLAST. Cool Ranch Doritos and hot groupies are Where It’s At.

After a quick bath in bleach to rid myself of the Pachulli from those damn hippies, I drown my sorrows in tequila. LOTS of tequila. Which we all know gets us all fucked up. I’d tell you more, but then I’d have to kill you.

Then, I pimped a friend’s Escalade by being in the car with her after we baked *wink, wink* cupcakes. It was hot. She tried to make me go to rehab and I said, no, no, no.

60 Comments to

“Aunt Becky Travels The World And Does Stuff.”

  1. On August 4th, 2009 at 10:51 am Heather Says:

    So excited!! Carrying the cards in my purse… this could get VERY interesting!! 🙂

  2. On August 4th, 2009 at 10:35 am Calliope Says:

    FIRST!!!! wooooooo!
    sorry. your card did not tan.

  3. On August 4th, 2009 at 11:52 am Inna Says:

    I’m waiting for Tanna to visit this weekend so we can take you out Becky!!! 🙂

  4. On August 4th, 2009 at 1:19 pm Merritt Says:

    I just got my cards on Saturday. I can’t wait to defile them…er…travel with them.

  5. On August 4th, 2009 at 12:39 pm Andy Says:

    My cards better get here soon…

    ***grumbles about international mail times****

  6. On August 4th, 2009 at 1:00 pm Dora Says:

    I better be gettin’ a card as well..heh. Thats awesome.

  7. On August 4th, 2009 at 1:07 pm kbrients Says:

    Love the idea. Tho pissed the card made it to my ‘co-ho’rt….. (heather) and not me. Hmm… seriously?

  8. On August 4th, 2009 at 1:11 pm Kristin Says:

    I nominated you for an award Aunt Becky.

  9. On August 4th, 2009 at 1:18 pm Bluebird Says:

    You’re a nut and I love it.

  10. On August 4th, 2009 at 1:19 pm foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog) Says:

    Um…crap…I kind of feel like I am all Uncle Pervy because of that one comment…


  11. On August 4th, 2009 at 1:27 pm harrytimes Says:

    Ha! This is a great idea.

  12. On August 4th, 2009 at 1:28 pm Alyssa Says:

    Oh no! I won’t have time to bring them to Vegas! Guess I’ll have to think up something else while anxiously awaiting their arrival.

  13. On August 4th, 2009 at 1:47 pm moosh in indy. Says:

    i so didn’t get a card.
    does graffiti in sharpie count?
    OH WAIT.
    I want no more swag. I just want to play along.

  14. On August 4th, 2009 at 2:25 pm Laura Berrios Says:

    I want your cards! This sounds way too fun! How can I get you my address?


  15. On August 4th, 2009 at 3:22 pm Mrs Soup Says:

    I love your cards so much. And the card it was put in.

    And I should get bonus points for explaining the Post Office to you.

    Can’t wait to see the entries!

  16. On August 4th, 2009 at 5:38 pm Heather Says:

    Oooh! Send me some.

  17. On August 4th, 2009 at 7:04 pm Lauren Says:

    Why exactly are you called Stumpy? Is it because of your tiny penis? Poor girl.

  18. On August 4th, 2009 at 7:16 pm Anjali Says:

    Oh my gosh. Can’t wait to see what you’ve been up to!

  19. On August 4th, 2009 at 6:38 pm stacey@Havoc&Mayhem Says:

    I just got my cards today. Pity they didn’t arrive Saturday, they could have gone camping with me.

  20. On August 4th, 2009 at 7:53 pm magpie Says:

    Okay then. I have one of your business cards, now I have a mission.

  21. On August 4th, 2009 at 7:46 pm gypsygrrl Says:

    got your FABulous card yesterday…am working on something brilliant for your contest 🙂

    PS ~ thanks for the glittery/confetti birthday card ~ you rock!

  22. On August 5th, 2009 at 8:55 am Jen Says:

    I want to do this!!! Got any cards left?

  23. On August 5th, 2009 at 8:02 am sharon Says:

    this is so much fun! working on mine…can’t wait 2 see what all comes in! :0)

  24. On August 5th, 2009 at 11:05 am Chibi Jeebs Says:

    Shit. I totally missed out on this. *sobs inconsolably*

  25. On August 5th, 2009 at 11:23 am Amanda Says:

    Dude – I’m waiting on the cards….
    Becky does Savannah is scheduled for this weekend. Otherwise, you’ll have to go the World of Coke which will be much less funny and much less interesting.

  26. On August 5th, 2009 at 12:51 pm Mary Spezzafero Says:

    Oh hell, just give the swag to da puppy! 😉 I got your cards
    and I’m very excited. We are going on vacation soon (roadtrip!)
    and taking your card along for the ride! But I *am* the one
    person left without a blog or website – you found me!

    Oh well, cocktail .. I mean *nap*time beckons.

  27. On August 5th, 2009 at 2:48 pm Ginger Magnolia Says:

    I’m having so much fun with this, and probably looking like a total doofus to others while taking the photos. I hope you didn’t post this before I asked you about it on FB…haven’t been on here for a few days.

  28. On August 6th, 2009 at 11:44 am Jellybean Mama Says:

    Jealous, jealous, jealous.

    I am going to print my own Aunt Becky cards so I can play too. ‘Aunt Becky’s Revenge’.

  29. On August 6th, 2009 at 8:35 pm Nissa Says:

    Hey Becky,
    Look for the Adventures of Becky’s business cards coming up on my blog tomorrow!

  30. On August 6th, 2009 at 9:43 pm Lola Says:

    Umm, yeah, I FINALLY got my cards after my crazy impromptu vacation. You missed out on some fun, girl!

  31. On August 7th, 2009 at 2:19 pm Beautiful Mess Says:

    HA! I love how Munchkin was reading your cards! Too cute. And you got to take care of Rufus! Good times! I can’t wait to ream em all!

  32. On August 11th, 2009 at 11:40 am Tracey Anne Says:

    Wow, way to make me feel like such a LOSER for not having a BLOG! PLUS, now I feel like I should be in jail for sudo-stalking your page…
    But on the upside, your card looking for grass made my day!

  33. On August 16th, 2009 at 7:53 am Andy Says:

    My post is up!

  34. On August 16th, 2009 at 3:13 pm Rebecca Says:

    I want Aunt Becky’s cards to come visit me! Sounds like your cards had a lot of fun traveling around here and there. That was funny.

  35. On August 24th, 2009 at 2:00 pm Rebecca Says:

    Am I much too lame for Aunt Becky’s cards to come visit me? Are there any more cards left?

  36. On August 25th, 2009 at 10:42 am Mommy Wants Vodka » Blog Archive » Let’s Have a Playdate in Court! Says:

    […] you, or click this link in your reader, you can see all the sweet ass places my business cards have been. Deadline for […]

  37. On August 25th, 2009 at 1:05 pm Tawnia Says:

    Oh… Fun I want to play! How do I get a card? You need to come to Yakima Wa we have thousands of wineries here!

  38. On August 25th, 2009 at 1:05 pm Tawnia Says:

    Oh… Fun I want to play! How do I get a card? You need to come to Yakima Wa we have thousands of wineries here!

  39. On August 25th, 2009 at 1:22 pm Lesha Says:

    I want to play too!
    How do I get to play!

    I think you’re cards would have a blast pissing off my divorce papers or something fun like that….*grin*

  40. On August 25th, 2009 at 1:34 pm Tracy Says:

    Total awesomeness!

  41. On August 25th, 2009 at 3:19 pm Emilie Says:

    Looks like I’m too late for this, but if you want your card to travel to London, let me know! It could eat fish and chips, drink warm ale, drive on the left, and be way too polite.

    Either way I will be voting, this was a really good idea!

  42. On August 25th, 2009 at 4:55 pm Kristine Says:

    This is what I get for getting a job where they block your site for “alcohol and tobacco” and when I could get through, I couldn’t comment due to the “porn.” Damn, I missed out – this is like Aunt Becky does Flat Stanley – except not like that – perve…such is life.

    But would they have blocked “Mommy Wants Cocaine?” Hm. Wonder if a name change is warranted.

  43. On August 25th, 2009 at 6:43 pm ZDub Says:

    You went to Dollywood and that was amazing!


    I really need to go in the flesh. I fucking love Dolly Parton.

  44. On August 26th, 2009 at 1:14 am N Says:

    I loved, loved, loved the one from Dollywood. I laughed out loud. Several times. I vote for her. Although I am aware my vote means shit. :o)

    Happy Trails!!

    Dolly Parton is the shit. Period.

    Wow. Lotta shit in this post, sorry.

  45. On August 26th, 2009 at 5:47 am birdpress Says:

    Darn; I didn’t know we’d get extra credit for submitting them in early! I was going to wait until closer to the deadline. I guess I’ll try to get it up sooner then! Are you going to be adding links here as you get them?

    I’ll be throwing them up as I get emailed the links! Voting won’t begin until September 9, so don’t worry.

  46. On August 26th, 2009 at 9:27 am Catootes Says:

    You could be cruising around the Caribbean with me but then you would not be back in time to meet your deadline.
    Of course, if you were cruising around the Caribbean with me, there would be booze, drugs and partially naked maleness to entertain us and would we really care about the deadline then?
    I think not.

    oh! the missed opportunities.

    How about I just go with you in the flesh?

  47. On August 26th, 2009 at 1:52 pm birdpress Says:

    Okay, my post is up too. If you put a link to it, please don’t like to the actual post, but just to my blog. I’m sure I won’t get around to updating it in a while anyway, so it should be the first one there. The reason for this is that I have a warning before the page break. Thanks!

    I’m all over it.

  48. On August 28th, 2009 at 3:55 pm habanerogal Says:

    Oh the fun your card and I could have but sadly I am lacking so I’ll just take my parole officer’s card out instead.

  49. On August 28th, 2009 at 9:04 pm Robert Kryger Says:

    That puppy was so freakin cute! My wife showed me your site and that puppy post had us saying “awwwwww” all night long. Give that swag to the pups…I’m sure their “parents” need it!

    And tell that lady to update her blog so we can see how the puppies are doing! 🙂

    She totally should! I miss reading about Rufus, the best puppy EVER.

  50. On August 28th, 2009 at 10:17 pm Aunt Becky does preschool… « The Evil Step-Mother Says:

    […]  She didn’t *do* my daughters preschool, but she was there..metephorically speaking. But go here to see what its all about. Also, I apologize for the craptastic pictures, as this was also the day […]

  51. On August 28th, 2009 at 11:11 pm Ginger Magnolia Says:

    How the blankety blank did I miss this post? Seriously, I have no idea! Happy to play along, can’t wait to read all the other adventures.

  52. On August 29th, 2009 at 10:15 am The Sort-of True Adventures of Our Aunt Becky « Names Have Been Changed….. Says:

    […] The Sort-of True Adventures of Our Aunt Becky Aunt Becky came for a visit this month!  No, THE ACTUAL AMAZING Aunt Becky didn’t schlepp her sexy ass over to Indiana, but she did send me a few of her nifty business cards.  You see, she’s running a contest on her blog, Mommy Wants Vodka, to see who can be the most creative with her cards.  You can read about her exploits with other stalkers fanatics readers HERE. […]

  53. On August 31st, 2009 at 6:28 am The Sort-Of True Adventures of Our Aunt Becky, Part Deux « Names Have Been Changed….. Says:

    […] You can read about Aunt Becky’s adventures with other bloggers HERE. […]

  54. On September 3rd, 2009 at 7:40 pm Aunt Becky Came For Tea, But All I Had Was Tequila « Mumma Boo x 2 Says:

    […] A little backstory for those who aren’t in the know:   Aunt Becky is having a contest to determine who does the wackiest, weirdest things with her leftover business cards.   Herewith […]

  55. On September 4th, 2009 at 7:41 am sharon Says:

    here’s mine!

    gonna email it to u now too

  56. On September 6th, 2009 at 12:02 am Mommy Wants Vodka » Blog Archive » Go Ask Aunt Becky Says:

    […] for entry into my contest to give away all my BlogHer swag is September 8th. I’m afraid (read: thrilled to be done with […]

  57. On September 7th, 2009 at 9:13 am Aunt Becky learns how to be a MAD SCIENTIST « Tanna & Inna and the Big McGees Says:

    […] Aunt Becky does shit, bacteria, science If you haven’t already heard, Aunt Becky has been traveling the world (seriously, if you have no idea what I’m talking about, click on that link and check out […]

  58. On September 8th, 2009 at 7:58 am Kristin Says:

    I finally recovered enough from Aunt Becky’s visit to post about it.

  59. On September 8th, 2009 at 9:22 am Mommy Wants Vodka » Blog Archive » Thirty Plus One Says:

    […] for entry into my contest to give away all my BlogHer swag is September 8th, tonight, by midnight, CST. If it’s in my […]

  60. On September 8th, 2009 at 11:54 am Visit from Aunt Becky « Says:

    […] Visit from Aunt Becky September 8, 2009 We’ve been planning for Aunt Becky to come visit for a while.  How lucky were we that it happened to be the weekend that we got to go […]

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