Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Aunt Becky Meets The Emo Glasses And Assorted Stories


Today, my column over at Toy With Me airs over there, and I’m talking about The Undercarriage. If that’s not PC enough for you and you’re not feeling the raunch, I will present to you an oldie, but a goodie down below (pun actually, for once, not intended).

If you are, I’d be much appreciative if you’d swing on by and visit me at my new home away from home. I’m still feeling a little insecure because, obviously.


If I have subscribed to your blog in that Google Friend Connect Doo-hicky Whodilly Thing, I hate to inform you of this, but it’s probably not working. Especially if I haven’t been back in WEEKS and you’ve posted. So, if you’d be kind enough to leave a comment here, I’ll add you PROPERLY to my reader.

Stupid reader drama messin’ with my doggy style.


Also, today is the last day to vote in my contest so be sure to cast your vote for your favorite “Aunt Becky Travels The World And Does Stuff.”


Some time in 2004 right before nursing school started for me again, I went to the eye doctor, with, among other things (like the ever-popular glaucoma test), the intent of getting a new pair of glasses. While in 3rd grade, getting new glasses was totally Full Of The Awesome, much like my spatter paint scruntchie* (complete with matching oversized shirt!!), it kind of loses it’s luster after 20 odd years.

I went alone because, well, it’s boring and dull and I can totally drive after they dilate your eyes because I’ve been doing it since Jesus was my classmate and I rode a dinosaur to school while wearing my hyper-color t-shirt.

Given the choice to come back at a more suitable time, let’s say, oh I don’t know, maybe when I could have actually read something that wasn’t on the floor or twenty plus feet away from me, I opted for the Wrong Way.

Two paths lay before me and I chose the one WRONG TRAVELED.

Door Number WRONG.

Oh yes. I decided to pick out a pair of glasses while my eyes were dilated. Alone.

They looked pretty cute on, I was completely convinced, my hazy recollection being one of looking extra-specially adorable, with the slightest touch of studiousness. I marched up to the surly cashier lady, ordered them happily, pink tint to the lens, per usual (cue rose colored glasses jokes now) and went back a week later to collect them.

I walked jauntily into the store, sat down at the counter and gave them my last name.

I waited a couple of minutes, marveling all of the ugly glasses that the store carried. We had the Iranian Taxi Driver Glasses, made so popular by white men with handlebar mustaches in the late 70’s/early 80’s (my father himself favored them).

Then there was the rack of the HUGE late 80’s/early 90’s school marm hexagonal pink glasses made famous by Sally Jesse Rafael and worn by women and children for long enough to be immortalized in many a class picture. I mused about how fortunate I’d been to escape that trend somehow.

I laughed to myself, chuckling about how my taste was eversomuch better than other patrons, congratulating myself HEARTILY for my awesome choices in glasses.

The smiling clerk returned after digging through a large bin of new glasses and handed me my prize. I greedily opened the package, hardly glancing at the frames before shoving them onto my face.

I looked eagerly into the strategically placed mirror and my happy, expectant look was quickly replaced by one of horror. The big black plastic frames, the angular edges, the thick frames all winked merrily, reflecting the sodium lights above me.

They carefully, thoughtfully, emotionally reflected one gigantic loser.

I had accidentally bought EMO GLASSES! How, oh HOW did I buy EMO GLASSES? These were popular among the whiny college rock bands who sing deep and meaningful songs about deep and meaningful feelings and EMOtions. These were things that I not only openly mocked, but things I openly mocked OFTEN.

“Oh no,” I whispered to no one in particular. “How did I do this?”


I shuffled away, tail between my legs back to show my (now) husband/then-boyfriend who was happily scarfing down a couple of bagels at Panera.

His eyes widened like saucers as I approached, whether is was my dirge-like march or the glasses now adorning my face and I slid into the booth across from him. Being the terrible liar that he is when I asked what he thought, he said diplomatically, “They’re…nice.” But his eyes told me the truth.

I looked like Lisa Loeb.

Possibly Waldo.

Well, I told myself as I bit off a chunk of his bagel and chewed bitterly, at least they finally fucking found Waldo.


*If spattter paint shirts come back into fashion please, PLEASE put me out of my misery. PLEASE, Internet?

73 Comments to

“Aunt Becky Meets The Emo Glasses And Assorted Stories”

  1. On September 15th, 2009 at 7:32 am Ms. Moon Says:

    This is exactly why my glasses are always a bit odd.

    Mine have always been odd since. Although now I hijack someone to go with me EXPRESSLY to tell me on a scale of one to totally stupid, how bad I look in the glasses BEFORE I buy them.

  2. On September 15th, 2009 at 6:36 am Becca Says:

    Beautiful! I’ve done this at least twice in my lifetime. Isn’t it fun??? Doesn’t it make you want to do it all over again (hence why I’ve done it twice!)?

    Since I clearly can’t write today, and I don’t think I am could you possibly add me to your reader?? I haven’t asked before now if you’re wondering but this cold is kicking my ass and requiring some positive affirmation.

    Of course.

  3. On September 15th, 2009 at 7:46 am Badass Geek Says:

    When I got glasses for the first time, I spent HOURS picking out ones that didn’t in the least resemble Harry Potter glasses.

    I thought I succeeded, but no. The first comment from my classmates?

    “Oh, so do you like Harry Potter?”

    No. NO.


  4. On September 15th, 2009 at 6:49 am Hilly Says:

    I’ve had emo glasses too. The thing is, I thought they were totally rad. So um yeah, there’s that. Of course, I was watching Reality Bites over and over again at the time so maybe it was okay.

    I remember when I thought that movie was The Shit. I watched it recently and it wasn’t BAD, but seriously, it wasn’t that good either. At least, not as good as I recall.

  5. On September 15th, 2009 at 6:58 am andy Says:

    I haven’t been blogging much lately, but if you want to read along, please do!

    And I’m dissapointed… I want a picture of you in the Emo glasses!

  6. On September 15th, 2009 at 7:04 am Inna Says:

    Reader troubles suck, no, really, they completely and totally suck. I hope it gets fixed Becky!

    As for glasses, my dad picked out my first pair. They covered about half my face and had a really dark rim. When I was finally allowed to pick out my own, I unfortunately took my dad with me, and because I had my eyes dilated, he got to pick out another hideous pair. For this last pair, I smartened up and picked them out myself. But oh how it was embarrassing to see pictures for those hideous glasses.

    Bwahahahaha! You poor thing. My first pair were Armani’s, which I picked out because my BROTHER liked Armani. Because it was the 80’s, they were plastic, black rimmed. Not hot. But I was 8, so maybe that was good.

  7. On September 15th, 2009 at 7:14 am Betts Says:

    A picture would have been great! I’ve been wearing glasses since I was 5. I’ve had some real doozies. They were in fashion at the time, but now I file them under “what the hell was I thinking”.

    All that I can say now is “thank God for contacts.”

  8. On September 15th, 2009 at 7:21 am Emma Says:

    I have natural read hair. When I was 12 I liked the spice girls. I did the front bleached like geri… :s you’d think I’d learn but two years later I liked ricki lake, and went from below the shoulders to one inch long. I had two days off school for bad hair, during which I played mario and cried when I saw the mushroom men. I’m sure I looked like one! Lol

    I had a friend who cut my hair off. At my request. He was a good friend of mine, never any hairdressing experience and just one day, decided that we should cut my hair off. It was…not wise.

  9. On September 15th, 2009 at 7:22 am Emma Says:

    Ps- what the fuck’s a reader?

    Like “Google Reader” or “Bloglines.”

  10. On September 15th, 2009 at 7:31 am Ginger Magnolia Says:

    But, Becky – did you have the little plastic doohickey to keep your oversized, hyper-color shirt perfectly to the side on your hip? Because that, my dear, was the coolest. Well, besides stirrup pants.

    Does the Pope shit in the woods? OF COURSE I DID. I had matching ones for every single day of the week. No, really, I did.

    SOME OF THEM WERE SPATTER PAINTED. I know, you’re jealous 😉

  11. On September 15th, 2009 at 7:46 am Cute~Ella Says:

    Um a picture please and thank you.


  12. On September 15th, 2009 at 7:48 am Jen Says:

    You really should put up a picture of you in the emo glasses. PLEASE!

    Also, I did not have hyper color but I did have the tie dyed with fringe cut at the bottom “don’t I look like I am from the Bahamas, Mon?” combo, and a t-shirt plastic dohicky (OMG what was that called?)

    And still have many scrunchies. I wear them at home because they don’t leave a bump in my hair. I have one that is Xmas plaid that I made in girl scouts in 1986. I am always terrified I might accidentally leave the house in one. It is a rational fear since on Sunday I went to CVS in my house shoes. I started not to get out of the car but I said F*ck it, I needed birthday cards and a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.

    Also, you are on googly friend connect and while I want you to subscribe all proper and working you should stay on that as well b/c I like the tiny pictures on the side.


  13. On September 15th, 2009 at 7:49 am kbrients Says:

    What’s up with the google reader? Much the reason I don’t use mine 🙂

    You’re wise. Mine is my crutch.

    See mine? Stockpiles posts for upwards of 30 days and then dumps them all at once into my feed. It’s AWESOME.

  14. On September 15th, 2009 at 7:59 am Alyssa Says:

    Holy shit! Thanks for scaring the crap out of me! I totally picked out new glasses while my eyes were dialated yesterday!


    Bwahahahaha! You MUST let me know how you look.

  15. On September 15th, 2009 at 8:02 am Love Says:

    I picked door number wrong so many times, I’ve had the same glasses since 2001. Which, come to think of it, is probably just as wrong. These glasses have been ripped off by the kids and dropped on the ground and contorted so many times….but I’m too afraid to go back to the optometrist because of all of the emotionally scarring moments I’ve had choosing new glasses. But I’m sure there are young uns out there happy to tell me how the turn of the century called and it wants its glasses back.

    I’ve avoided the tortoise shell frame phase and the black EMO glasses phase. Is that over yet? Please tell me there is something on the way that might deliver me…

    I’ve since replaced my emo glasses with some silver wire rimmed ones that make me looked slightly more dignified and slightly less like I was going to, at any point in time, open a guitar case and sing a song about my feelings.

  16. On September 15th, 2009 at 8:05 am Vinomom Says:

    Oh Ginger – I loved those little plastic doohickeys! Sometimes we used scrunchies too.
    *Chortle* at Lisa Loeb – but she’s super cute, so it’s not ALL bad. Or at least she was in like 1996, I haven’t seen her since then.

    I want to see pictures! Seriously I’m sure they are not that bad.

    Oh, they were. But you will all be unfailingly nice tomorrow when I post the pictures because THAT is what the internet does. And I love you for it. You’re all allowed to snicker, though.

  17. On September 15th, 2009 at 9:12 am Notesfromthegrove Says:

    Confession: I LOVE Lisa Loeb’s glasses! They’re the cutest! If you look anything like that in YOUR glasses, I may have to hump you.

    But only a little.

    She rocked ’em FAR more than I ever could.

  18. On September 15th, 2009 at 8:20 am Allie Bear Says:

    I can’t believe you would post something like this without a picture, what’s wrong with you?

    Too much Vicodin. Obviously.

  19. On September 15th, 2009 at 8:32 am Suzy Voices Says:

    Damn how I wish you had a picture of you in the emo glasses!!

    The picture is coming. I promise. How could I disappoint people waiting to tease me?

  20. On September 15th, 2009 at 8:33 am Beautiful Mess Says:

    OH SUCK! HA! I’m loving the walk down memory lane, 80’s fashion style. LOL @ the plastic doohickeys. I LOVED my hyper colored shirt! I thought I was THE shit when I wore that shirt. I PIMPED that shit!

    Remember Girbaud? I ROCKED Girbaud.

  21. On September 15th, 2009 at 8:37 am Nel Says:

    Ohmygosh, just yesterday I was telling Belle that I was pretty positive that you hated us because you stopped coming to our blog.


    She promptly told me I was crazy and then you do not hate us.

    Oh, and also, could we please get a picture of your glasses?!?

    Of course I do not hate you! My reader hates you, but since it is inanimate (I think), I wouldn’t that that TOO personally.

  22. On September 15th, 2009 at 8:41 am sharon Says:

    yes, picture please – i have a feeling that u’re talking about my sorta glasses…chuncky square ones? the Lisa Loeb reference tells me u r talking about me! ;0) that’s ok tho – i’m so not Emo, but i love my specs

    & yes, i so had a paint speckled scrunchy & a hyper color tshirt!

    Ha! I wonder if either of those will come back in fashion.

  23. On September 15th, 2009 at 8:46 am Aunt Juicebox Says:

    I actually saw some spatter paint jackets at Deb. They were plaid and wonderfully hideous.

    I got made fun of my huge 1980’s specs for years. This is the first time I’ve had a more “modern” style. I will probably wear them until big ones are back in again.

    And I’ve got your number, Becky, you just want to be Bff’s with my baconnaise. Well, you can have it. I’m SO over it.

    What’s sad is that I’m thinking that those glasses are coming back in vogue.

  24. On September 15th, 2009 at 8:46 am Mama Cas Says:

    Where’s the PICTURE?!?! You can’t leave us hanging!

    Tomorrow, tomorrow, you’re only a day away. I didn’t even THINK of it!

  25. On September 15th, 2009 at 9:56 am Aunt Becky Meets The Emo Glasses And Assorted Stories Says:

    […] obviously. —————— If I have subscribed to your blog in that Google Friend Connect Doo-h click for more var _wh = ((document.location.protocol=='https:') ? "" : […]

  26. On September 15th, 2009 at 10:18 am SciFi Dad Says:

    I concur with the masses. No photo, no comment.

    Tomorrow, I will post a picture of it.

  27. On September 15th, 2009 at 9:25 am kyslp Says:

    Awww, I bet you were cute in your Lisa Loeb glasses.

    I too have picked out wonky glasses post-dilation. Now I get there a little early and shop around while I can still see. (I still make bad choices though. Why do they always look better in the office than at home? Creative lighting? Trick mirrors?)

    Anyhoo, add me to your reader if ya don’t mind.

    Done and done.

  28. On September 15th, 2009 at 9:56 am cara Says:

    OMG Lisa Loeb – it was just on the gossip sites (I know, I know) last week that she is having a baby.
    I dint have to have glasses – somehow after having battery acid splashed in my eyes I still have 20/20 – but my sis did and her first pair were the ones with the extra bar across the top. I always relate these to the glasses serial killers wear in the movies.
    You were added to m followers list, but I don’t know if ou have been over to my site in a while.

    I’ll re-add you to my google reader. It’s been misbehaving for me for awhile now, but I think it’s just that friend connect button. And only with some blogs. I don’t know. I don’t PRETEND to know why.

  29. On September 15th, 2009 at 10:22 am Jo Says:

    Yup, we NEED a picture of the emo glasses. I have no clue what a reader is, but that probably means I’m just SUPER uncool – which I am feeling OK with today.

    Like “Bloglines” or “Google Reader” or something. It helps you keep track of blogs.

  30. On September 15th, 2009 at 10:34 am COURTENAY Says:

    The only time I ever went alone to pick out glasses, I ended up with some pretty cool ones…that i ALWAYS saw black dudes wearing. And since, im neither of those things, yea. They didnt work. Never again.

    Bwahahahaha! I love you. I just love you.

  31. On September 15th, 2009 at 10:39 am Amanda Says:

    Seriously – some of the best parts of your blog are the comments left.

    to Jo – a reader – you use firefox? If so, go and add the add-on Feedly immediately and then add all your blogs that you read to it. When you add it you can look on your address bar and, if there is a tiny little f then voila – press it and it will add it to your feedly.

    Alas, I digress – I’ve said it before but seriously? Feedly should totally pay me because I’m a one woman feedly lover.

    Moving back to your post though now that I’ve done my PSA for the week…

    Do you remember those ‘multiples’ or ‘units’ brand clothes? You know, the ones you could totally mix and match to make cute little, but unstructured so you looked really sloppy, outfits? ME TOO if you do.

    If you don’t then you missed out on something special because they also totally would match your swatch!

    FYI – I really really wanted to do the contest but I never got any cards. I was going to take you to Savannah for Becky does Savannah and then I waited, and waited, and waited…. 🙁

    And now I am all SADFACE. I am sorry! I sent them! SADFACE!

    My google reader is my BFF until it is not and it dumps 600 posts in my reader in 2 seconds and I realize that I’ve not been keeping up with My People. This is important to me and then I shake my fist at my reader. WHYYYY GOOGLE READER, WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME?

    And I had a bunch of Swatches!

    (my commentors RULE)

  32. On September 15th, 2009 at 10:42 am Jenn Says:

    My google reader has messed up SO many times it’s ridiculous. I’m always tempted to go to a “rival” reader site and make a ‘back up’ list but I’m far far faaaar too lazy to ever follow through.

    How do you feel about the school photo paint splatter background? My elementary school photos are nightmarish.

    I’m more horrified by the bangs starting at the crown of my head than the background, which was, I should add, clouds.

  33. On September 15th, 2009 at 10:50 am Mrs Soup Says:

    Ahahaahaha, hilarious!! I am horrible at picking things out for myself. I tend to almost not care how I look. Helping someone else though! I’m amazing at that….

    I really should have brought a friend. REALLY, I could have used you.

  34. On September 15th, 2009 at 10:53 am COURTENAY Says:

    This is for your undercarriage article. Made me think of this little gem.

    And now you know what I expect for Christmas.

  35. On September 15th, 2009 at 11:04 am injaynesworld Says:

    Maybe you could “accidentally” sit on them and get another pair. No one should be forced to live with their eye-drop induced mistakes. And yes, I think I do have a couple of new posts you may have missed. Because, God know, you’ve got nothing else to do, right? 😉

    I’ll make sure to PROPERLY put you into my reader. Because I AM annoyed to have missed you. Thankfully, I did “sit” on the glasses which now live upstairs in my cabinet as a back-up pair (being blind as a bat means I need at least 2 pairs of working glasses).

  36. On September 15th, 2009 at 11:09 am Christa Says:

    “while wearing my hyper-color t-shirt”

    Wow! Do I ever remember those! The boys in school loved them ’cause it was the perfect excuse for touching on the girls!

    Remember that!?! Mine was orange. I hate orange, so I don’t know why I picked an orange one. Man, if only they brought THOSE back.

  37. On September 15th, 2009 at 12:14 pm lonek8 Says:

    dont feel too bad – I do this EVERY TIME. I somehow think I’m going to be cute in emo glasses – nerdy but hot and stylish – and I am…just nerdy. And tacky. No good. I will be going to the eye doctor in a few weeks, and hopefully this post will help remind me to stay away from the black frames!!! but probably not.

    Don’t know if you’ve ever been to my blog, but feel free to stop by!

    I will be by later! And good luck at the eye doctor. I got a new set of frames that are simple and silver and they work MUCH better. Like you, I just can’t pull off the EMO glasses. You’ll see in tomorrow’s awful shot that I post for your enjoyment.

  38. On September 15th, 2009 at 11:15 am Sky Says:

    Lisa Loeb rocked those glasses. I bet you did too. 🙂

    I am pretty sure I looked just like Waldo.

  39. On September 15th, 2009 at 11:49 am MK Says:

    I had lisa loeb glasses before it was cool to have them.

    Dweeb – did anyone wear dweeb clothes? From maurices?

    Oh Em Ge. MAURICES. That place. Holy shit.

  40. On September 15th, 2009 at 11:54 am Bex Says:

    When I was little I fell in love with a pair of purple sweatpants. I bought (read: asked my mom to buy) two pairs and alternated them every day. That was the extent of my desires when it came to fashion. As for glasses, I can’t wear them because my nose is too high on my face so I look like a bug. Nice.

    I totally rocked the purple sweatpants too. Hot.

  41. On September 15th, 2009 at 11:56 am Bex Says:

    Also, I was reading all these comments, and kept thinking, why are all these people writing nonsensical things in bold? Until I realized they were your replies. Again, nice.

    Bwahahaha! Can we be BFF’s?

  42. On September 15th, 2009 at 12:00 pm Bex Says:

    Also, I read the entire thing thinking you bought ELMO glasses. You know, red? Sesame Street? Wow. Need I say nice again?

    Bwahahahaha! Thank GOD I didn’t do that. I’m colorblind, but black I see. Or I think I do. Wait a minute…

  43. On September 15th, 2009 at 12:05 pm Katy Says:

    i have been wearing glasses since the 6th grade. i was totally the nerd in middle school. you know, hadn’t discovered bathing everyday does wonders, terrible fashion sense (it was the late 90s. nothing was fashionable then), didn’t hide the fact that i knew the answers to everything, no cool friends, and most importantly NO BOOBS. the glasses didn’t help.
    what also didn’t help was that i hadn’t discovered that you need to get glasses that suit your face shape. i honestly can’t pinpoint what my shape is because it looks like all of them. however, i have discovered that square/rectangle shaped glasses suit me better than any other shape. but, like i said, in 6th grade, i didn’t know that. so i had some small oval shaped glasses. HIDEOUS. luckily, my eyes got progressively worse every year so i got new glasses. buuuut, in 7th grade, i got braces. glasses + braces + awkward middle schooler = loser. my parents were kind enough to invest in contacts. i was still a loser, but at least i didn’t have glasses and braces.
    only recently, when i came home from college and i was too lazy to go to the optomitrist to get a check-up (because you have to if you want them to prescribe you contacts. and all that shit is expensive!), did i start wearing my cute glasses full time. but i’m getting tired of them. they’re always smudged and sometimes i just look weird in them (sometimes they sit at a funny place so pictures of me always look bad). and i can’t wear sunglasses. which blows because most places that i have to drive, at the time i drive, i’m driving into the sun. and i just look damn pretty without them.
    and i don’t know what my deal is, but i always seem to get glasses with weird brands. in 6th grade, my glasses were harley davidson. right now, my uber-cute ones are levi-strauss. i don’t know.
    and why is it fashionable for people to have glasses now? people are buying FAKE GLASSES just to look cool. no bitches, you need to go through the hazing before you earn your glasses, you hipster assholes. trauma is required to wear glasses.

    Dude, you’re right. Glasses TOTALLY require earning your stripes.

  44. On September 15th, 2009 at 1:10 pm Potty Mouth Mommy Says:

    is it sad that I think to myself “omg!!! I sooooo remember hyper-color tshirts!!!”

    as for picking frames… I went around blurry eyed and headachy for another 9 months after learning I needed glasses because I couldn’t for the life of me find a decent pair of frames. I’m lucky that I’m not totally blind- I just have a hyper-active lens reflex that without bifocals caused really beastly headaches. I’m still wearing my first pair of frames- I won’t get checked again until next May… we’ll see what happens then…

    Finding decent frames is a huge pain in the pooper. Seriously, I don’t know where they keep the cool ones.

  45. On September 15th, 2009 at 12:21 pm Jeni Says:

    Yep definitely gonna need a picture of this one…
    I myself was held hostage from the time I was 8 until I was 11 or 12 by a pair of those pink plastic Sally Jesse Rafael horrors! My class pictures are dominated by my totally awesome bowl haircut and my too-big-for-my-face glasses. I fully admit that I was an UGLY child…ugly and blind to boot…what a picture I must have made with my hair, glasses, braces and my totally rad hypercolor t-shirt! (Dear 80’s, please stay long gone!)
    I never had to have my eyes dilated until last spring prior to my Lasik surgery..and I hope to never have it done again! HOLY CRAP… If I had to pick out glasses or god forbid anything else! I could barely drive home… I was crying it was so horrendous! How do you drive having it done?!

    I have similar pictures, although without the glasses. My problem was my haircuts. Homemade haircuts. My mother took a piece of tape, put it over my bangs, right on my eyebrows, and cut right along it. I looked SO stupid. SO stupid.

  46. On September 15th, 2009 at 12:38 pm Missy Litzinger Says:

    check out
    and don’t get too excited but neon/splatter painted/hyper colored everything is alive and well at the mall. scrutchies, belts, t-shirts, shoes – hi top converses are back too

    SAY IT AIN’T SO!! I officially am old. As though the “almost 30” wasn’t bad enough. *sighs*

  47. On September 15th, 2009 at 12:39 pm Soxy Deb Says:

    I would have preferred a pic. I bet you looked cute.
    Heading over to read about the beaver problems.

  48. On September 15th, 2009 at 12:58 pm Kelly Says:

    Hi, my name is Kelly and I was a victim of the 80’s/early 90’s school marm hexagonal pink glasses. I also had multicolored iridescent speckled metal frames after those. Oh, and LAVENDER metal frames after those. And TWICE, not just once, I got smacked in the face playing Tetherball during recess and had to get those ugly frames soldered back together TWICE. I was SUCH a cool kid, if you couldn’t tell.

    So clearly, I feel you pain about picking out the WRONG frames. Somehow they always trick you into “looking” (as if that we’re possible) into new frames after your pupils have been dialated. Happens to me all the the time (obviously)! There has to be some secret society of Opthalmology Assistants who just laugh and laugh at all of us common people and the choices we make.

    I think I know where all the sadists work during the day. Or is it masochists? I can never keep them straight.

  49. On September 15th, 2009 at 1:05 pm Minivan Soapbox Says:

    I’ve worn glasses forEVER. Very first pair was a HOT pair of GREEN big ‘ol round glasses. I thought I was the Shizzle. Seriously. I did. When I was 25 I tried to get contacts…and walked around for a week with two contacts in one eye. Now I have ‘hip urban’ frames. I have NO idea what the fuck that means…But that’s what the gay guy at the store told me.

    Do they have louvered shades? Or bling? Because I could seriously get behind some glasses with bling.

  50. On September 15th, 2009 at 1:31 pm Hannah Says:

    OMG Aunt Becky, I totally did this just the other week! I thought I was just getting a slightly more expensive version of my regular frames, and I come out looking like Elvis friggin’ Costello. Which wasn’t the look I was going for on this occasion.

    Dude, I don’t know whether to cry with you or clap you on the back and welcome you to the club. I’ll settle for a “that SUCKS, doesn’t it?”

  51. On September 15th, 2009 at 2:15 pm stacey@Havoc&Mayhem Says:

    You haven’t visited me in a bit, though I am not certain if you subscribed to me via the Google friend doohicky or some other way. I had to resubscribe to your feed in Google reader recently because it wasn’t updating. Google is obviously having issues

    It totally is having issues. Stupid reader.

  52. On September 15th, 2009 at 2:55 pm Heather Says:

    Military issue glasses are often called BC glasses…as in, Birth Control glasses.

    Your pair sounds EXACTLY the same.

    Bwahahahahaha! I LOVE it! And yes, I cannot believe I got Dave to have sex with me after I bought these glasses.

  53. On September 15th, 2009 at 2:57 pm Kristin Says:

    I have some pretty heinous glasses in my past too. But, Aunt Becks, I totally need a pic of my soul sister in her heinous glasses.

    You, my friend, are in luck.

  54. On September 15th, 2009 at 3:37 pm a Says:

    I have hated glasses since I got my first pair. They were hideous (and, yes, I picked them out). Then I got contacts. Hurray for contacts! But then I needed to have glasses, just in case. So years of bad backup glasses later, I went shopping for a new pair last summer. The girl at the store helped me pick a pair, but she wanted to sell me the $300 frames. I laughed and said I couldn’t justify spending $300 on frames for glasses I only wore about 1 day a week (total – if I’m feeling incredibly lazy and don’t ever go anywhere on the weekend). So she told me that they were so cute that I could wear them all the time. Fortunately, I am not a sucker, and went with a similar, cheaper style. Then the lens chipped within a month. Then I realized that since the lenses are so small, half the time I’m looking at blurry shit (i.e. when I look down). Then I went to the eye doctor, and guess what! My prescription changed! I hate fucking glasses! But I can’t wait to see a picture of yours…

    You haven’t visited me in months…OK, a month. I’ve been bereft. *sniffles*

    Stupid fucking Google reader.

  55. On September 15th, 2009 at 3:37 pm Coco Says:

    Wait…you’re NOT going to whip out your guitar and sing about your feelings?

    Damn it.

    Tomorrow never knows, she says mystically, her voice soft as summer rain.

  56. On September 15th, 2009 at 4:17 pm Krissa Says:

    Too funny! While at me mither’s house a couple weeks ago, I dropped my glasses off the front of my shirt, where they were hooked, and they fell into the road while going to get the mail. Long story short, I finally found them the next day, wire rim all smashed up till they look like a bobby pin and the lenses completely missing.
    It’s lucky I have such high flyin’ taste in drug store readers. 😉

    Bwahahahaha! Please tell me you got some rhinestone encrusted ones. Because if I could get those at For-Eyes, I would be SO all about it.

  57. On September 15th, 2009 at 5:12 pm foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog) Says:

    Remember when girls got those little decals on the corner of their eye glass lenses? Like their initials or a dolphin or perhaps a kitty? Yeah. Thank goodness I never fell prey to that trend…

    Wait a minute, if it could have been a sparkly diamond, I SO would have been there! WHERE THE HELL WAS I?

  58. On September 15th, 2009 at 5:16 pm honeywine Says:

    Thankfully I have managed to dodge most of the more horrific trends. Oh, and I had no idea about the vag. I too fear those circles. I simply watched that AB Fab episode too many times.

    Me freaking too! *shudder, shudder*

  59. On September 15th, 2009 at 8:05 pm Lauren Says:

    I noticed that you hadn’t visited the blog in awhile. I just assumed it was because my posts were lacking in quality and you gave up on me.

    I thought I was there yesterday. Hm. Maybe I was an impostor. That would rule.

  60. On September 15th, 2009 at 7:12 pm DG at Diaryofamadbathroom Says:

    I am jealous that you got EMO glasses. I don’t wear glasses, but if I did, they would be Lisa Loeb/Elvis Costello all the way. They probably looked great on you.

    I’m goin over to beavertown now. . .

    Trust me, I could not pull them off. You will see for yourself (consider this dramatic foreshadowing)

  61. On September 15th, 2009 at 7:48 pm Dawn Says:

    I just went to the eye doctor and am putting off the terrifying event known as CHOOSING OF THE GLASSES. I made the standard horrendous choices over the years. And then there was the notable occasion when the optician nearly blinded me by putting the centre of vision in the lenses in the CENTRE of a pair of freakishly large 80s-style frames. Who on earth had eyes that low on their face? It took THREE sets of lenses before the techs realized, “OH! Her eyes are near the BRIDGE of her nose, NOT next to the NOSTRILS! Who’da thunk?” I got double vision every time I got tired for years after that one.

    To make matters worse, I now need bifocals and the currently popular narrow frames (which I heart with a fierce hearting) do NOT work with my telescope prescription AND progressive bifocals (because I am NOT wearing the little old lady visible reading lens type. NOT.) Thankfully, I have contacts so I can see what I’m picking out, but my choices are limited to unstylishly large frames. And my eyes are too dry to wear contacts all the time, so I can’t get away from the glasses. Poo.

    Can’t wait to see the pic of the emo glasses.

    I’m frustrated on your behalf, yo.

  62. On September 15th, 2009 at 7:54 pm Lea Says:

    Speaking as an optician, I will let you know that all of us that work for eye doctors don’t take advantage of you when you’re dilated. Unless, you know, you want it 😉 (inappropriate sexual innuendo? nah!). Those mofo-ing drops sting too, so that last thing y’all need is someone like me snickering behind your back as you purchase ugly glasses. And yes, sometime, we DO snicker behind your back. I admit it. I already know I’m going to hell, may as well make sure I get a good seat there.

    I currently own a pair of emo glasses. With skulls on them. They are my rockstar glasses and I love them, even if I kinda look like a dork. Hey, everyone makes mistakes sometimes!

    Looking forward to the picture!

    Okay, if they have skulls on them, anything is forgiven. Also, I am jealous, now. I want those glasses.

  63. On September 15th, 2009 at 8:19 pm ZDub Says:

    LOL! I kinda always wanted Lisa Loeb glasses.

    And I had Hyper Color SOCKS.

    So. Jealous.

  64. On September 15th, 2009 at 9:36 pm Jess Says:

    My 21 year old brother still wears the Lisa Loeb emo glasses. (Full disclosure: He is, as my Nana likes to call him, “a gay.”) Not sure if they help or hinder his overall look.

    Please add me to your reader! So far, after 7 posts, you are my only commentor, because I don’t count my dad. Yikes. Blog fail?

    Oh, be glad that you’ve had 2 commentors after 7 posts. Seriously.

  65. On September 15th, 2009 at 8:47 pm Shannon Says:

    Oh, Aunt Becky, how I have missed you. Instead of spending all of my time on the internet rotting my brain, I’ve actually been going to school and learning crap. Now that’s taking up all my time and I have no time for Aunt Becky Fun.

    I’m super, duper sorry about the glasses. The upside thing is that it’s happened to everyone, well, almost everyone. So you’re not alone. The downside is that it’s happened to you. (I HATE when people tell me it happens to other people too. I don’t give a crap because this time it’s happening to ME!)

    Oh, yeah – I so rocked matching hyper-color t-shirt/scrutchie combos, like, forever ago. I also had the super hair with wings.

    I somehow missed the wing hair trend! I feel so left out! SADFACE!

  66. On September 15th, 2009 at 8:54 pm Stone Fox Says:

    you know what would be *really* fun? your emo glasses + a few choice adult bevvies + the BEDAZZLER = DEFCON 1 Awesomeness.

    You should come over and we could Bedazzle the SHIT out of stuff. Like my dog. And The Daver.

  67. On September 15th, 2009 at 10:01 pm Lola Says:

    Well, my eyes were always perfect until very recently, when I discovered I can’t read a fucking menu to save my life, and don’t even try to tell me that medicine bottle labels have not gone with the smallest possible font known to man. I’m making due with some kickin’ leopard-print drug store reading glasses for now, but I should probably go spend $300 on a pair of real glasses. I just hate when the eye docs get so damn close to my face. Back the fuck off, old man, and send in your cute son if you expect me to spend that kind of money 😉

    So, I’ve no horror stories to tell. I’ve had all kinds of trendy sunglasses, however. Gold Ray-Ban Wayfarers were incredibly cool at one time, no?

    Remember the Blu-Blockers? We should TOTES bring them back! You and ME!

  68. On September 15th, 2009 at 10:24 pm Painted Maypole Says:

    this post is incomplete without a picture of said glasses

  69. On September 16th, 2009 at 2:16 am Mwa Says:

    That post completely brought back the year of the clumpy school shoes. Death by fashion.


  70. On September 16th, 2009 at 3:14 am Kristine Says:

    This is precisely why I wear contacts. In fact for the past 2 weeks, I’ve been dealing with oozing eye infection and decided I’d rather be blind than wear my glasses. Am vain, I’m pretty sure that song is about me.

    You’re so vain 😉

  71. On September 16th, 2009 at 12:54 pm Kellie Says:

    FWIW. Lisa Loeb is totally hot in her Emo glasses. So are you. I’d totally do her in those glasses…and you too! LOL

    *waggles eyebrows*

  72. On September 16th, 2009 at 12:54 pm Mary Lorraine Says:

    In 3rd grade, getting new glasses WAS totally Full Of The Awesome. I actually had some of my sister’s old early-90s tortoise-shell monstrosity glasses that I popped the lenses out of to wear o’er my perfect-vision eyes, simply because I wanted to join in the Awesome too.

    I am PRETTY SURE that I would have splashed acid in my eyes if it meant that I would have gotten glasses at that age. I’m really not sure why, but I’m glad that I’m not alone in that.

  73. On September 17th, 2009 at 5:34 am Caroline Says:

    This is high-larious!

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