Mommy Wants Vodka

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Aunt Becky Meets An Orange On A Toothpick


Macrocephalic. Buckethead. Orange-On-A-Toothpick. Satellite.

All words I’ve used to describe my children and their heads. I’d like to point out and be correct that the reason for their enormous melon’s would be related to their father-age, but since the common denominator between them both is me, I’d have to say that the likely culprit who unwittingly passed the genetics to create craniums that should have their own zip code is myself.

While I don’t call myself a “Baseball Head” or “Pinhead” or anything, I like to think that my own head is not overly large. Mainly because it’s not. It’s just that some of my *ahem* family members (my older brother and my mother for example) have heads that planets could orbit. Guess I should be glad that I only inherited the family pot belly, right?

It was, sadly enough, with this Implement of Destruction that my youngest child caused the intense pain that I happen to be in. I’m accustomed to dodging swinging heads as they come toward my person, but I happened to be too close to correctly remove myself from their path of deconstruction.

Alexander, the only child who I can make snuggle me without a tangible bribe, was sitting on my lap the other day, alternating between snuggling me and trying to stick his fingers up my nose, when it happened. He swung his bucket-o-brains backward before thrusting it forward again with as much force as someone who is made of pure muscle can muster.

In other words: a hell of a lot.

I couldn’t duck quickly enough, so !THWACK! his melon made direct contact with the squishy bits of my neck. It hurt like a bitch then, and the following morning–yesterday–I awoke with a massive headache. Relating, I’m certain, directly to his head against my neck.

Down the stairs I trudged, toward the medicine cabinet where I house the one pain reliever I can currently take: Tylenol. Extra Strength fucking TYLENOL. I shook two out into my palm, rolled my eyes and swallowed them. Unsurprisingly, they didn’t do jack to touch the pain.

Eventually the pain became throbby enough for me to call the doctor’s office, which is not something I typically do. I’m a trained nurse, and even though I don’t actually make money from my intended profession, I do know how to treat such things. And I don’t really need another nurse to tell me what to do.

Maybe it’s just my OB’s office nurses that offer the most insanely stupid advice to me when I call. Here’s an approximate conversation I had with one nurse when I was barfing my guts out while pregnant with Alex:

Me: “Um Hi, I’m really sick with this baby, I’m X weeks pregnant and I wanted to know if you had any good tips.”

Her: “Eat an apple.”

Me: “Huh?”

Her: “Apples.”

Me: “Uhhhh….”

Her: “I like potatoes. Like BAKED ones.”

Me: “I gotta…go.”


Yesterday I had a similar conversation. To make me call the doctor is to admit defeat, but my head was so achy and awful that I didn’t feel I had much of a choice.

Me: “Hi, I’m 14 weeks pregnant and I have a headache. I took Tylenol hours ago and it’s not helping. Can I get a prescription for something stronger?”

Her: “Not without being seen first.”

Me: “But it’s a headache. I can barely see to drive. I don’t need anything too strong. Just something more than Tylenol.”

Her: “You need to see a doctor. Have you tried laying down in a dark room?”

Me: “Hahahahaa! I have kids. Laying down in a dark room doesn’t happen unless I chain them to a wall somewhere.”

Her: “The office is closing anyway. If it’s ‘SO BAD’ you can go to the ER.”

Me: “…..? The ER?”

Her: “Yes. Or we can see you tomorrow.”

Now maybe it’s just me, but doesn’t that seem a little insane to go to the ER for a simple “I need Tylenol 3 headache?” I wasn’t asking for a morphine pump (oh, how I WISH that this had been an option) or a lifetime supply of Vicodin. What shouldn’t have been a big ass deal was suddenly an ER trip away from being labeled an OVER REACTOR!

I never did go to the ER and I still haven’t gotten my headache to go away completely, but it’s marginally tolerable now. Only thing totally solidified is my annoyance with Doctor Office Nurses.

Am I the only one?

28 Comments to

“Aunt Becky Meets An Orange On A Toothpick”

  1. On August 7th, 2008 at 1:26 pm Ms. Moon Says:

    No. You are certainly not the only one.
    There is just no humanity in such exchanges.

  2. On August 7th, 2008 at 1:26 pm Brooke Says:

    My son has an enourmously huge head as well. I like to refer to him simply as, “HEEEAAAD!” in a Scottish accent, a la So I Married an Axe Murderer. I have been hit with his flailing 50 pound head a time or ten and good lord! It is painful. Luckily I have a nose that has the power to never bleed, otherwise I am sure I would have many bloodstained shirts.

    Hope your headache continues to get better. Your OB’s nurses sound like geniuses. I like the apple/potato suggestion! I’m sure there is a lot of medical research backing up that comment!

  3. On August 7th, 2008 at 1:29 pm Andy (echaos) Says:

    I always assumed that the nurses were trained in using this type of approach, much like the secret training waiters get so that they know how to ask you how your meal is the exact second you’ve shoved your mouth full of something.

    I hope your head feels better soon!

  4. On August 7th, 2008 at 1:39 pm trish Says:

    I have two things to say. It still irritates me so much that I couldn’t possibly tell the story in this little comment box:

    1. Kaiser advice nurse
    2. Recurring yeast infection.

  5. On August 7th, 2008 at 2:01 pm Heather Says:

    Just this morning, I had my own nose popped by Beans’ monstrous melon.

    The NP with my doctor’s office was FABULOUS. She called in all kinds of goodies during my gestating Beans. In fact, I would say she even pushed them — love her. My doctors with the boy were of the same school of thought? *snicker* as yours — tylenol or bust. Go in and get your drugs, Becky.

  6. On August 7th, 2008 at 2:02 pm SciFi Dad Says:

    First off… is it a girl or not? You were vague yesterday.

    Second, I am very fortunate: my doctor’s nurses are awesome; they actually remember that my wife is pregnant (even though she hasn’t been there since she transferred care to the OB/GYN in March) and ask about her when I go.

  7. On August 7th, 2008 at 2:05 pm Badass Geek Says:

    What is your address? I can mail you some Tramadol.

  8. On August 7th, 2008 at 2:06 pm tryingin2007 Says:

    don’t get me started! when I had not 1, but 2 separate sinus infections during my pregnancy, the nurses at my ob’s office couldn’t dismiss me fast enough.
    “go see your GP.”
    “I don’t have a GP. we just moved here.”
    I waited 3 painful weeks to find and make an appointment to see a GP covered by my insurance.
    new GP says to me “yes, you do have an infection. why didn’t you see your ob?”


    are you really 14 weeks now? holy crap!!! 🙂

  9. On August 7th, 2008 at 2:22 pm giggleblue Says:

    the ob is uesless unless you are going into labor. then and only then – where they give you something to take all the pain away. apparently then, it’s safe.


  10. On August 7th, 2008 at 2:27 pm Mrs.Spit Says:

    Ahh, My OB’s nurse.

    Phone Rings. 10 days after Gabriel died.

    “This is nurse Ratched from OB’s. Just calling to remind you about your appointment tomorrow.”

    Me: “I don’t need to keep it.”

    Nurse Ratchet: “The appointment is very important. Pre-eclampsia is very serious. You could die”.

    Me: “I wish I did. The baby was born 10 days ago. He died.”

    Nurse Ratchet: “Oh, I guess you don’t need to come in.”


  11. On August 7th, 2008 at 2:31 pm Amanda Says:

    I don’t think it’s stupidity as a Defense Against Having To Do More Work. Think about it… to get you meds s/he’d have to put you on hold, talk to the doctor, possibly confer with you again, then back with the doctor, then call the pharmacy, and then talk to you! Or she could just refer you to the ER and let some first-year resident (and, yes, it’d be a brand-new first-year as the resident year just began a little over a month ago) deal with it. Or maybe I’m just a tad bit cynical. Eh.

  12. On August 7th, 2008 at 2:49 pm LilSass Says:

    Uh, if you saw the things people come into the ER for here, it’s ridiculous. I have zero medical advice for you…. hmmm ice on your neck? Warm fun hippy bag with oatmeal in it that you stick in the microwave (you know those things?) Sending your kids to Nairobi so you can ‘lay in a dark room’?

  13. On August 7th, 2008 at 3:05 pm andria Says:

    You just know they’re rolling their eyes when they speak to you too.

    At least mine do.

    Mine were so helpful when I was pregnant with my first, I called for three straight days telling them I thought I might be in labor because I was having contractions and they were so good they were able to diagnose me as having braxton-hicks over the phone which EVERYBODY HAS, duh, and told me I could inform the doc at my next appointment which was ten days later. I imagine they were pretty surprised when the doctor came in that next Mon. and told them I had a baby two months early and couldn’t figure out for the life of him why I didn’t come in to see him.

    Yeah, they don’t work for him anymore. Weirdly, they were all gone by the time my 6 week check rolled around.

  14. On August 7th, 2008 at 3:20 pm kbreints Says:

    oh yeah– Sam did this the other day to me– I thought he broke my nose.

  15. On August 7th, 2008 at 3:20 pm Karen Says:

    My first thought was, she should try taking nap in a quiet, dark room. Um…I guess that is what we childless folk do when we have a nasty headache.

    But the doctor should have certainly hooked you up with something. What a dork.

  16. On August 7th, 2008 at 3:32 pm As American as Apple Pie Says:

    Wow that was kind of bitchy of her (the nurse) especially with the ‘tude at the end. I would call back and demand to speak the the Dr.

  17. On August 7th, 2008 at 3:41 pm T Says:

    When I went to my OB because I was eight weeks pregnant, in massive amounts of pain and bleeding bright red blood the nurse said:

    “oh. you should have called first we might have wanted you to go straight to ultrasound”

    and I APOLOGIZED to her!

    I was blurry with pain and tears and couldn’t think of the name of the practice so I drove right over so they could HELP ME. not chastise me.

    I have since switched offices.

  18. On August 7th, 2008 at 3:53 pm Anjali Says:

    Oooh, I remember those nasty headaches. Hope you are starting to feel better.

  19. On August 7th, 2008 at 5:06 pm kristen Says:

    You poor girl! I hate dealing with idiots, hope you get some relief soon.

  20. On August 7th, 2008 at 6:43 pm heather... Says:

    I still can’t believe they won’t give you vicodin. The nurses handed it out to me like candy when I was on hospital bed rest. I think they were trying to kill me.

  21. On August 7th, 2008 at 7:48 pm Edward Says:

    Yeah….it’s always the ER that they want you to go to when they can’t get you in right? Like you can’t stop and weigh the options like ummm fucken killer headache at home or um 12 hours with a fucken killer headache at the ER.

    You know one time I was pregnant and pouring, gushing blood and they said….go to the ER. I was just past my first trimester! It turned out ok though….his name is Mr. Man.

    Did you know Rick and I play Dr.’s at home…yup and I think like you being a nurse….we are just as good.

    I hope you feel better soon. If I could email you some tylenol 3 I would! Vicoden is better and it does not hurt the baby….really I broke a rib coughing while sitting on the toilet with phenomia and 7 months pregnant and they gave me vicoden….oh…wonderful vicoden. My daughter came out asking for a glass of red wine lol!

    Go ahead and tell me…go ahead….I should shut up cuz I aint making your headache no better right?

  22. On August 7th, 2008 at 8:21 pm Tiffany Says:

    oh lord..
    I have been head butted by BOTH of my kids who have larger than average thankfully THAT didn’t happen until AFTER delivery..

    I know that by and large, nurses at the DR’s office are a PITA..lord..lay in a dark you think this woman has children??
    I am of the camp that believes they Don’t Want To Do The Extra Work.
    yeah, coz it is so hard to ask a question & call you back…

    Hope you feel better!

  23. On August 7th, 2008 at 8:35 pm Mumma Boo Says:

    Can’t tell you how many times I’ve thought my nose was broken because of the unexpected, rapid acceleration of Cenzo’s giant cranium. You’d think I’d learn to duck quicker, but apparently I’m too old to move that fast anymore. Heh. Hope you’re feeling better soon!

  24. On August 7th, 2008 at 10:18 pm Lola Says:

    I’m pretty much annoyed by anyone I need help from lately. From cable company, to bank, to insurance company, to Maytag, to the vet’s office, to any doctor’s office or the ER, they all suck. You can never get any help anymore. It’s the American way.

    I hear if you complain about companies on Twitter that you can get some satisfaction. Probably won’t work for the doctor, though.

    Try ice, followed by heating pad, maybe. That’s what athletes do.

  25. On August 8th, 2008 at 12:10 am Jenn Says:

    UGH. It’s like a universal rule that you have to be an idiot (and have a tendency toward snobby bitchiness) to work as a receptionist. What’s UP with that?

    (Not that everyone who is a receptionist is an idiot, or vice-versa, there are exceptions to every rule.) <-Just covering all my P.C. bases there.

    I have some Tylenol 3 here that I never took, haha. Actually, I have a huge stockpile of different kinds of painkillers (1 word? 2?) because I fill the prescriptions but never take any. But yeah, I’ll send some your way if you want. 😉

  26. On August 8th, 2008 at 8:37 am heather Says:

    I am allergic to codeine, and I have a helluva time getting doctor’s to give me something else. I found out I was allergic to it by taking it, for bursitis. I ended up in the emergency room and they still wouldn’t prescribe something else. Because I totally fit the profile of a drug seeker?? My own actual doctor would only give me big ibuprofen and muscle relaxers for impingement syndrome, which hurt so bad it was like a baby coming out of my shoulder.

    Sometimes when I have a headache I find that an ice pack will help where pain killers don’t. Especially neck pain.

  27. On August 8th, 2008 at 9:49 am Susan Says:

    I know it sounds like a luxury but massage can really help. Sometimes it takes awhile even after the massage but sometimes the pain goes away before you’ve handed over your credit card. Sorry you’re hurting…

  28. On August 8th, 2008 at 6:26 pm mandy Says:

    NO you aren’t the only one. I have been to the er for a headache even. They will try to do a spinal tap, so don’t do itttt. Wait till morning. Not worth the extra pain, oh and a side effect of the tap is uh…a headache!

    Vicodin might be worth it, but you prob can’t take it anyway.

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