Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Aunt Becky Goes To Target


Today was one of the rare days where I had someone to watch the kidlets so that I could go to the store without someone trying to scratch my eyes out (Alex), scream their head off (Amelia) or pout when I won’t throw some cash down for Spiderman Froot Snaks (Me).

First stop was the pharmacy to both make sure that I won’t have any more babies and undo some of the damage my previous two pregnancies have done to my husband’s cholesterol. And while I was at it, I figured I’d pick up a heating pad for my sad, sad back. I’m gonna horde the SHIT out of that Vicodin.

This is what I came across:


It has both the words “deluxe” and “auto-shut off” on the front. Since I have a habit of starting random fires by complete accident and because my brain has turned into swiss cheese, I require appliances that will shut the fuck OFF when I leave them on.

And who doesn’t like DELUXE stuff. If it SAYS it, it must be. Packaging NEVER lies.

How could I go wrong? But wait a galdarn second here…What the…




*wipes tears from eyes*


Look at the look on that guys face!

Doesn’t he look like he’s enjoying that heating pad A LITTLE TOO MUCH? He looks like he’s about to make sweet, sweet love to it.



Then I ran back and forth along the aisles looking like a complete nutter as I’d forget, then remember, then forget again things that I needed. What? I never claimed to be smart.

So then, after making a brief detour to get some sympathy cards (you know you’ve bought too many sympathy cards when you can actually tell when new stock has come in), I continued to my final stop: The book section.

See, my friend Marinka is doing some kind of reading of Ulysses or something. She’s trying to better myself and well, I’m just here. I tried to read Ulysses for about 5 minutes while I was going through an I’m Deep phase and it made almost no sense to me. And since these days, People Magazine is starting to make no sense to me, I’m thinking that Ulysses might be a stretch.

But no worries, I will flex my literary muscle in OTHER ways. I’ll show HER.

Like with this!


There are a bunch of words in the title, right? And they don’t make much sense either, right? (also, the blurriness was because an employee was watching me crack up at the romance novels and I was trying to be all stealthy)


But then…I was overtaken by THIS:


I simply couldn’t go wrong. This book is sure to be full of “throbbing manhoods” and “oiled pistons.”

I can hardly wait.

I’ll show Marinka whose all literary and shit! Aunt Becky. That’s who.

posted under Aunt Becky Has VD
45 Comments to

“Aunt Becky Goes To Target”

  1. On April 23rd, 2009 at 3:41 pm Ms. Moon Says:

    Uh. Dakota Daddy looks kinda creepy if you ask me. But enjoy!

  2. On April 23rd, 2009 at 3:57 pm Maria Says:

    Whoa, Target.

  3. On April 23rd, 2009 at 4:05 pm Ames Says:

    I love me a good trashy romance novel… though right now I’m reading the fourth Twilight book. 🙂

  4. On April 23rd, 2009 at 4:09 pm The Mom Says:

    I await your review of Dakota Daddy.

  5. On April 23rd, 2009 at 4:16 pm guilty noodles Says:

    your target sells some weird shit. are you sure you even in a target?

  6. On April 23rd, 2009 at 3:40 pm a Says:

    I love trashy reads. Don’t get me wrong – I love Austen and Shakespeare too, but I love the trashy novels. It’s like candy for my brain – does me no good but makes me happy!

    And that guy does rather look like he’s lovingly caressing the heating pad – although I’m betting you’ll have that same expression on your face if it helps your back.

  7. On April 23rd, 2009 at 3:44 pm Jenn Says:

    And this is why I love you.

    When I first met Kent I made the mistake of taking him to my mother’s house. The first thing he saw when we got there was a romance novel. He opened it up and read a paragraph (out loud) and we laughed for about 30 minutes over the phrase “fiery loins.” We still say it and crack up laughing. Yes, we are children.

  8. On April 23rd, 2009 at 3:50 pm Kristine Says:

    I would join your book club.

  9. On April 23rd, 2009 at 3:54 pm Inna Says:

    LMAO!!!! As an aside, my fiance and his best friend like to go to barnes and noble, or whatever bookstore and embarrass people by reading the raunchy parts out-loud. I usually pretend I don’t know them but its pretty funny to see other people’s faces.

  10. On April 23rd, 2009 at 5:25 pm Nit Says:

    You sound like me in Target! I can go in with a list and I will still end up with 50 other things that I don’t need (like trashy novels)!

    And Vicodin is the next best thing to sex…hell, sometimes it’s even better! 🙂

  11. On April 23rd, 2009 at 4:37 pm Valerie Says:

    Dakota Daddy…

    Man those titles never cease to WOW.

  12. On April 23rd, 2009 at 5:54 pm Lindsay Says:

    You know, for all the reading I have done in my life (and trust me, I count my weekly reads of US Weekly and People among the reading), I have never once read a romance novel. However, now that my husband’s sex drive seems to have gone somewhere other than in his throbbing manhood, I think I may have to visit this section next time I’m in Target.

  13. On April 23rd, 2009 at 4:54 pm Kendra Says:

    Oh, my God! I can’t stop giggling at that last book. Maybe I’m all prudish, but any romance with “Daddy” in the title scores high on my creepy scale. Not that I wouldn’t read it, just that I probably wouldn’t admit to it. If I found it in the $1 aisle, I would definitely buy it just for the language you know is going to be in it.

    I hope that heating pad does, in fact, produce that same face on you when you use it. When I was pregnant, I had some nasty back pain, and I would have made sweet sweet love to anything that made it feel better!

  14. On April 23rd, 2009 at 5:14 pm CJ Says:

    LMAO at the guy’s face. I am wondering what is happening under that electric blanket. I’m guessing he just finished reading Dakota Daddy.

  15. On April 23rd, 2009 at 5:31 pm CJ Says:

    PS I just went to to read the synopsis of Dakota Daddy. Copies start at 62 cents, if you are looking for a deal. I think I will stick with the book I just got from the library, “Fantasy Lover.” (Yulp, seriously.)

  16. On April 23rd, 2009 at 6:39 pm heather Says:

    Becky, I remember what happened the last time you let yourself loose with a heating pad. Between that brand, spanking new (get it? Spanking? Ahahaaha!) heating pad and that “literature” you’ve scored, you’d better be careful, no?

  17. On April 23rd, 2009 at 5:41 pm Ginger Magnolia Says:

    Note to self: add “oiled piston” to your phone sex repertoire. Hee hee hee.

  18. On April 23rd, 2009 at 5:44 pm Jenn Says:

    Me thinks you should get out more often. There is nothing so refreshing as a trip to Target alone. I have actually paid a babysitter a fair amount of cash so I could do just that.

    LMK if the oiled piston works out for you. Looking for some trash myself.

  19. On April 23rd, 2009 at 6:21 pm kalakly Says:

    Does dakota do daddy or did daddy do it in dakota? Enquiring minds need to know.

  20. On April 23rd, 2009 at 6:23 pm Stacey Says:

    You know, i may have to rethink those harlequin romances…

    If you want throbbing manhoods try books by Bertrice Small. OMG!

  21. On April 23rd, 2009 at 6:38 pm jessiee Says:

    digging the dakota daddy … but loving that you couldn’t do Ulysses either. I made it to page 2…and promptly dropped out of book club. But for what it’s worth, there is some hot language in it (Ulysses I mean) … but I didn’t get it from reading it…I got it from some quote website. LOL

  22. On April 23rd, 2009 at 8:14 pm Emily A Says:

    Your Target is pretty kinky! I was just at Target yesterday and left with monster trail mix, vitamin z, wipes, and peanuts for my backyard squirrels.

  23. On April 23rd, 2009 at 8:48 pm Cute~Ella Says:


    You’re the second blogger today to use the phrase “throbbing manhood” I LOVE IT!!! (the phrase, not – oh who are we kidding here?)

    No offense to Marinka, I’d rather read your idea of “literary”

  24. On April 23rd, 2009 at 9:12 pm Mimi Says:

    Oh, shit! We’re both wandering around snapping pics of hilarious books that include “throbbing manhoods.” What about the ones with “heaving bosoms”?

  25. On April 23rd, 2009 at 10:34 pm Sarah Says:

    I want to go to Target with you – it would be a like brand-new playground.

    I was reading some hot trash the first time I was in an earthquake – it was in another country and fairly gentle as earthquakes go – but it took me close to 30 seconds to realize I was *not* the one shaking the bed. But hey… THE EARTH MOVED.


  26. On April 23rd, 2009 at 10:17 pm Emily R Says:

    they say you never read ulysses for the first time because the first time you just don’t get it and then the second time is the second time.

    it’s a great book, but not with young kids.

  27. On April 23rd, 2009 at 10:22 pm Cari Says:

    Thanks for making it cool to come out of the trash fiction closet! As an English major and teacher, I have to hide my harlequin romances inside a Faulkner text to maintain any credibility! Sometimes, though, a girl just needs some mind candy, ya know?!

  28. On April 24th, 2009 at 12:10 am SCY Says:

    I *heart* you! I knew I could not be the only person in the world that devours trashy novels every now and then 😉


  29. On April 24th, 2009 at 1:17 am baseballmom Says:

    HAHAHAHAHA! He looovvvves his heating pad…he looks so,um, tenderly at it.

  30. On April 24th, 2009 at 6:49 am Badass Geek Says:

    Is the sequel titled “Dakota Baby Daddy”?

  31. On April 24th, 2009 at 6:07 am tash Says:

    See, me at Target? All those would’ve wound up in the cart . . . .JUST so I could have a good laugh with the husband. And then fret about returning them all.

    And you have it all wrong: when are YOU writing a book like THAT, hmmm?

  32. On April 24th, 2009 at 7:47 am Dot Says:

    At first glance I thought that was a vibrator attached to his hand instead of the control for the heatnig pad. And Dakota Daddy — I want one! 🙂

  33. On April 24th, 2009 at 7:19 am Marinka Says:

    I think I need all those heating pads to get through Ulysses. Of course I need them at top heat and applied directly to my eyeballs.

  34. On April 24th, 2009 at 8:00 am zelzee Says:

    I usually read books about serial killers.

    Just to keep up my game in case I get married again…………..

  35. On April 24th, 2009 at 9:11 am kbrients Says:

    You are awesome…. Target is no match for you!

  36. On April 24th, 2009 at 10:31 am sian Says:

    Guilty pleasures-we all need them – where do I sign up ??

  37. On April 24th, 2009 at 9:35 am Coco Says:

    I am totally picking up Dakota Daddy this weekend.

    See? I told you trashy books were good for the soul. I recommend Lisa Kleypas. She is made of awesome when it comes to writing hot throbby lurve.

  38. On April 24th, 2009 at 11:06 am Kerrie Says:

    I was totally convinced in my younger years that I could WRITE romance novels. Seriously – For Real. I mean, once you get down all the different euphemisms for penis…You’ve got it down pat, right? I told my husband my basic story line…he informed me that MY story would not be considered “romance” at all…But sold in the special section…Where you have to be 18 to enter. Hmmmm…..

  39. On April 24th, 2009 at 12:01 pm heather Says:

    My heating pad stopped working so my mom bought me a new one. I didn’t even read the box. I just popped it out and started using it. I was getting super pissed because I thought that one was broken too because it kept cutting out. Yeah, auto shutoff, I hate you.

  40. On April 24th, 2009 at 1:37 pm Betty M Says:

    Dakota Daddy looks just slimy!

  41. On April 25th, 2009 at 7:18 am Lola Says:

    I think it’s the cover shots on those romance novels that makes me NEVER read them. Too queer!

    I prefer my romance in the form of plain-covered Anne Rice, aka A.N. Roquelaure novels with titles like Beauty’s Punishment. Ain’t nothing like the Classic Erotic Trilogy of Sleeping Beauty to get me all literary and burn through books.

  42. On April 25th, 2009 at 9:17 am Kristen Says:

    My hubby’s mom brings me piles of books and until I asked her to stop, a number were of the trashier variety. My hubby always asks if I got any new ‘throbbing member’ books from his mom. He likes to say ‘throbbing member’ far too much for comfort.

  43. On April 26th, 2009 at 10:14 pm Em Says:

    You’re in good company. I saw some blurb the other day that the major book retailers are noticing a downward trend in all purchases, except for the Romance Novel genre.

    Seems when the economy hits the shitter, people want to escape to Dakota.

    Who knew?


  44. On April 28th, 2009 at 5:20 pm Daniel Says:

    wouldn’t it be easier, quicker and cheaper to just look at some free interwebs porn?

    you dirty girl you 😉

  45. On April 29th, 2009 at 3:08 pm mumma boo Says:

    “Faster heat up” “More even heat” Those could be titles for your trashy romance novel, Becks. 🙂

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