Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Aunt Becky Gets Fit or Dies Trying


In a drunken fit of drunkenness, I agreed to wear a pedometer and set some fitness goals. Omron kindly asked me to join their Fitness Blogger Challenge Campaign, which, DUH, screams AUNT BECKY, right? They sent me some sweet ass swag (and some for YOU, too) and I was all, I am so going to beat the shit out of this challenge.

I just knew it.

I mean, as long as I could call it an “odometer,” I was pretty happy to try wearing the thing for a month. I mean, I walk all the time…right? Surely as a “writer”* on the Internet who spends her time watching zany cats do stuff while pecking out email after email on her Big Mac is probably an athletic superstar.

Really, how could I *not* be eligible for an award like, “most athletic blogger,” or “walks most steps in a day?” I scoffed at the suggestion of 10,000 steps a day – certainly I did at least a million steps each day. Probably TWO million!

In fact, I bet that I’d break the odometer with my awesome steps.

I couldn’t wait to go to the Omron factory, right in my backyard, to be all, “I broke this with my awesomeness.”

Happily I strapped it on the first day – I didn’t even drop it in the toilet. I hummed a little as I imagined the odometer getting all confused after I passed the 1 million steps mark.

At the end of the night, I glanced down at the thing and was all, OH EM GEE, this ridiculously expensive odometer is broken. Obviously.

Because there is NO WAY I only walked 2,398 steps. It probably had to roll over from 99,999 or something. Right?

The next morning, I got up and happily strapped the thing on again. This time I included some yoga pants (who cares if I never actually DO yoga in my yoga pants?) and a headband to catch all the sweat that I’d be dripping. I’d have used those weird 80’s wrist cuffs if I had any, but sadly, no.

I put up a picture of Bob Greene as a motivator-thingy and pictured him cheering me on each time I wrote an email.


His voice sounded like Billy Mays, so I got a little nostalgic. And when I get nostalgic, I have to take a nap. Kind of like when I have a cheeseburger. Or really, any time. I love naps. I bet Bob Greene does too. I get to talk to him next week and I plan to ask him about it.

The end of that night, after I was all EYE OF THE MOTHERFUCKING TIGER about shit? My odometer read 1,082.

Apparently, WEARING yoga pants isn’t the same as working out. Who the fuck knew?


It was a bad month to work on getting fit – pneumonia, now I’m dying of something that’s growing in my sinuses, then an ear infection, now Ebola – so I’m going to have to cram all of my Getting Fit With Omron into a week and a half. What can I say? I’m a procrastinator (although this time, not by choice).

So I’m setting a ridiculously low goal and trying to stick to it. I know that simple shit like parking far away from the entrance to Target (my boyfriend) is an easy way to get a little bit of exercise. If all else fails, I can throw the odometer on one of the kids and be all BOOO-YEAH.

Because Your Aunt Becky has GOT to get fit. Or die trying.

Oh yeah, and Iโ€™m being compensated to write this post by Bookieboo LLC in a blogger campaign with Omron Fitness.

*use of quotation marks is intentional.

Okay, Pranksters – I need some ridiculously awesome (or hilarious) fitness tips. Because obviously. Or if you’ve got none, tell me what your favorite flavor of cupcake is, because delicious. Obviously.

46 Comments to

“Aunt Becky Gets Fit or Dies Trying”

  1. On February 27th, 2012 at 11:18 am Mayor Gia Says:

    Vanilla with chocolate icing.

    …because I enjoy sitting. (And i”m sure you’ve got lots of fitness oriented bloggers who can come up with way more interesting tips than I can. If not then, “drink water.” Because hydration is key and then you’ll have to walk to go to the bathroom so its a double win).

  2. On February 27th, 2012 at 11:20 am Becca Says:

    White cake. White frosting.

    I got a fitbit – a pedometer on crack. It’s broken too. ๐Ÿ™‚

  3. On February 27th, 2012 at 11:20 am Kelly P Says:

    Every time I reach for a unhealthy snack, or think about skipping a workout, I think about the RuPaul Drag Race episode in which the Drag Queens made fitness videos. One Plus sized queen used the shake weight, and was eating deep fried chicken. The mental image always puts me back on track!

  4. On February 27th, 2012 at 11:23 am Bioblondie Says:

    Inside out carrot cake cupcakes, cream cheese frosting INSIDE the cuppycake. Revolutionary. Also, for every zany cats doing stiff vid you watch, walk a lap around the house. Cause then you can grab yourself another cuppycake. Now THAT’S an idea that’s full of the win.

  5. On February 27th, 2012 at 11:30 am Gwen Says:

    If I wore one for a day.. a) it would laugh at me b) Mr Gwen would have far too much ammunition for his sloth accusations.
    Cupcakes….any and all..there is no such thing as a “bad cupcake”

  6. On February 27th, 2012 at 11:44 am thepsychobabble Says:

    I like carrot cake, with creamy delicious cream cheese frosting. Because I earned every dimple on my ass, thankyewberrymush.

  7. On February 27th, 2012 at 11:45 am red Says:

    Actually, I have a post about keeping fitness goals (It’s somehow one of my “popular posts” so easy to find) but that doesn’t talk much about getting started. If I’m stuck at home, I just do some weights or ab/yoga stuff while watching TV, so that won’t help your pedometer. I’m a huge fan of walking. Do you live close-ish to anything good? historic downtown? library? (you could take the kids) post office? Just a thought. Or march in place while watching TV.

    also, any cupcake with a treat inside – like a ho-ho or a twinkie! or a fig newton…only in a cupcake.

  8. On February 27th, 2012 at 11:49 am Tyrone M. Says:

    well, after I misread fitwithomron as fitwithmormon, I had to at least read the post. And it’s a good one. I also got a fitbit, and realized I’m in the same boat. Y’know…NEVER MOVING. So I have to force myself to walk between the office and the train (instead of taking the shuttle bus, parking farther from the store, hitting the elliptical or running more on the treadmill, and finding excuses to take a lap around the office, or walk out for lunch instead of sitting at my desk. Being fit is hard work, yo.

    Cupcake? Vanilla. Hold the frosting.

  9. On February 27th, 2012 at 12:03 pm Brittainy Says:

    Irish Carbomb PubCake – Guinnessยฎ, Irish Cream frosting, and chocolate whiskey ganache. Because if I’m gonna eat a cupcake it tastes a zillion times better with alcohol. #justsayin

    I use the LoseIt app on my iPhone to stay healthy. Cause if my phone doesn’t tell me to do it, I won’t. I pay the monthly 24-hour fitness dues just to keep them in business. They’re close. In case I want to go someday. and … a winning combination!

  10. On February 27th, 2012 at 12:10 pm Boot~C Says:

    I love all cupcakes really, but my fave right now in the ‘fun-da-middles’ mix, yellow cake w/ a fudge filling yum! Since I am ‘fat as the town dog’ I have zero fitness tips

  11. On February 27th, 2012 at 12:34 pm Julie Says:

    I consider just getting out of bed in the mornings a sufficient measure of fitness, especially after I’ve had cupcakes. Bending over to pick up things I dropped on the floor is also a good measure. The longer it takes me to regain an upright position means lots of ab work, right?

  12. On February 27th, 2012 at 12:41 pm magpie Says:

    I should have had one of those last week when we were walking all the hell over DC and back. I’d have WON, I tell you.

  13. On February 27th, 2012 at 12:50 pm Cammie Says:

    All cupcakes are my favorite kind … as the rising numbers on my scale told me yesterday *sigh*. The past 2 years or so has really taken a toll on my body and my mind. I lived in the same neighborhood as my job and I don’t own a car so I walked everywhere and was always active. After I moved farther away from my job & started to rely on public transportation I got much less exercise then add losing my job to the mix and that was it for me. So while staying home in my jammies is somewhat fun I need to get motivated to move … an perhaps stop eating everything within sight lol

  14. On February 27th, 2012 at 12:51 pm Linda Sand Says:

    My new favorite cupcake is 3-2-1 cake. In an airtight container put 1 box angel food cake mix and 1 box any other flavor cake mix and shake it to mix them up. When in need of a fix stir together 3 Tbsp mix and 2 Tbsp water in a mug and microwave for 1 minute. Instant cuppy cake! That’s what I’d eat if I wasn’t avoiding flour.

    My newest walking plan was to move from an RV to an apartment so everything is further away. Just walking from the bed to the bathroom in the middle of the night is more exercise than I used to get. I’ve been trying to talk myself into getting an odometer but I hate being nagged.

  15. On February 27th, 2012 at 1:09 pm Meg at the Members Lounge Says:

    Aunt Becky, my best fitness tip is step out of the shower in front of the mirror. I always run to the gym after that. Also, I could easily marry the Cook’s Illustrated chocolate cupcakes.

  16. On February 27th, 2012 at 1:51 pm Jenn Says:

    Cuppity Cakes… yes! all of them. I have Casada Cake in the fridge now… that would make a kick as*cuppity cake!

    Fitness… do some… I started P90X… cause left to my own devices I sit and make dents on my new couch… big ones… where my big butt was… Sad… So I do P90X…. tony horton is the devil, but his voice makes me feel guitly if I skip days. One week down and I;ve lost 4 pounds so far. ๐Ÿ™‚

  17. On February 27th, 2012 at 2:11 pm The Sweetest Says:

    What has worked for me is keeping it old school- none of this “grazing” all day with 5 mini meals, Nope, I want to eat and get full. And when it’s time, I eat again. 3 good meals a day, no snacking. If I am hungry for dinner by 4:30, then I eat at 4:30, and nothing else after. Also? Manual labor. Floor scrubbing and tilling.

  18. On February 27th, 2012 at 2:16 pm katrina Says:

    Those stupid lying pedometers!!’s my tip. My friend has her laptop sitting on top of her treadmill. whenever she’s on her computer she’s walking….I love chocolate buttermilk cupcakes with cream cheese frosting.YUM!

  19. On February 27th, 2012 at 2:32 pm ScienceGeek Says:

    I read an article about how little bursts of exercise can have a huge effect. And I read an article on combining activities for maximum success. So, with my usual complete lack of common sense, I decided to combine exercise with other stuff.
    I can do squats while I brush my teeth, thinks I. I’m just standing there for 2 minutes, wondering why the manufacturer never realised their electric toothbrushes sound disturbingly like a vibrator, I can double the usefulness of that time! And the burning in my thighs will distract me from vibrator sounds!
    Only bouncing up and down with a fucking toothbrush in your mouth causes toothpaste to go EVERYWHERE.
    Still, I am determined. I will exercise, dammit!
    So I figure, I’ll just do it in my bra, so ifI make a mess, it’s easy to clean up, and I won’t have wrecked my clothes.
    Then one day, my husband walks in. Apparently, it’s not fair to bob up and down in front of a man in your underwear.

  20. On February 27th, 2012 at 3:11 pm Amanda Says:

    I like to eat chocolate cupcakes with peanut butter buttercream frosting from my favorite bakery then cry about how my jeans won’t button. BUT! I’m not hungry ๐Ÿ™‚

    Or you can stop eating things that start with the letter C. I saw that on “My 600lb Life.” ….on the other hand maybe it doesn’t work so well.

  21. On February 27th, 2012 at 4:07 pm chrisinphx Says:

    Strap that thing to one of your Crotch Parasites, those things never sit still. Then you report the steps as your own, technically, since they have your DNA in them, YOU practically are running right along side of them. Problem solved ๐Ÿ™‚

  22. On February 27th, 2012 at 4:36 pm Llama Says:

    Creme horns with chocolate filling. I only excersie when my neighbor drags me kicking and screaming to the track with her and her dog Claire.

  23. On February 27th, 2012 at 4:47 pm Emma Says:

    My fitness tip- dont sit on the sofa with a big bag of m&ms

  24. On February 27th, 2012 at 5:35 pm Cindy Says:

    my favorote flavor of cupcake is chocolate, because what do i know about getting fot besides eat lots of chocolate and spazz out.

  25. On February 27th, 2012 at 6:19 pm Fearless Fibro Warrior Says:

    Did you say, “cake”?

    Lemon, with cream cheese frosting.

    Followed by devil’s food with coconut pecan icing. None of that German Chocolate bullshit. You know the Germans still hate us when they call that shit ‘chocolate’.

    For dessert, I would have to say, brownie-bottomed, strawberry cake mix, cream cheese frosting. From Pinterest.

    Oh, and when you go to the store for more cake mix, park not closest to the store. So you get more steps. And then, don’t bag your purchases, but try to masterfully juggle them, while clicking the ‘unlock’ on your key fob.

  26. On February 27th, 2012 at 6:48 pm Pat Says:

    Along with the parking in the first available parking space- no matter how far away, I use stairs instead of elevators (of course I’ve gotten locked in stairwells sometimes but if you yell they do let you out) and go for a walk when I’m stressed (which is a lot!)

  27. On February 27th, 2012 at 6:57 pm Melinda Says:

    Okay, this is made for you! They make a treadmill that has a desk kind of attached. You stand up and walk on the treadmill while working at your computer. Google it. I would have one but it costs more than I make in a year. But you would rock that odo!!

  28. On February 27th, 2012 at 7:37 pm asterisk3 Says:

    Give yourself a treat at the far-out point. Did that this summer. Pick a location for a (lo-cal but tasty) reward – mine was McD’s iced coffee at 2.5 miles – and walk there. Whatever you want. Just make your motivation focused on the reward at the halfway point, and then get it. After that, the back half is the best half, and you have a reason to start.

    Some ideas for your reward: Subway’s 200 cal flatbread breaky + coffee for just $3 … porn … sparkly things at Target … photographing people at Walmart … feeling good.

  29. On February 27th, 2012 at 7:47 pm From the Mind of a Madman Says:

    Im more of a pie guy. Chocolate Cream is delicious. And as for the exercise…. sounds interesting… but I think I’ll just watch the movie!

  30. On February 27th, 2012 at 9:12 pm nellie vaughn Says:

    Come here. I love working out and I need a running partner to scream profanity at or with. I get aggressive when I exercise.

  31. On February 27th, 2012 at 9:17 pm MommyTime Says:

    My daughter discovered that if you are doing the running games on Wii fit, you can make your Mii run by just shaking the Wii remote up and down. She prefers to sit on the couch and tap her feet while she jiggles the remote. The whole thing is just funny, and she’ll get up and start running again. But my point is: perhaps if you sit on the couch and jiggle the pedometer up and down, it will clock “steps” for you. Good luck!

  32. On February 27th, 2012 at 9:31 pm alaina Says:

    Play vodka hide n’ seek? Dance contest? Pacing in the cake aisle?

    I like funfetti. Because it’s fun.

  33. On February 27th, 2012 at 10:17 pm Grace Says:

    Mmmmmmmmmmm… cupcakes… {wipes drool from her chin}

    Sorry. What was the question?

  34. On February 27th, 2012 at 10:20 pm Grace Says:

    You need these wristbands. They also have matching legwarmers:

  35. On February 27th, 2012 at 11:03 pm Laura B. Says:

    Run on the spot, naked, in front of a mirror. You can’t buy that kind of motivation.

    As for cupcakes, in my family we call my favourite variety black-ass buns. Chocolate cupcakes with cream cheese and chocolate chip filling.

  36. On February 28th, 2012 at 1:03 am Carol Anne Says:

    On Fridays this cupcake place in Philly sells these coconut cupcakes. Delicious!

    My fitness tip, the place that sells the cupcakes one day a week is one state over so it involves leaving the house once a week. Motivation I haz it. :-))

  37. On February 28th, 2012 at 7:43 am Jolie Says:

    For superbowl I made chocolate cupcakes with my “cupcake genius” thingie – it left a beautiful hole in the top of the cuppity cake that I filled w/white fluffy frosting and then I drizzled the “amazing glaze” (chocolate of course) over the top to set. Those babies were DEEEELISH! Like I made my own hostess cupcakes only fresher and way better.
    Don’t ask me about fitness. I haven’t been to the gym all month. *oink oink*

  38. On February 28th, 2012 at 8:36 am wendy Says:

    white cake. white frosting.

    I’m lazy, so grab one of those bands, tie it in a knot and do some leg exercises while sitting and eating your cupcake.

  39. On February 28th, 2012 at 9:09 am Pete In Az Says:

    Riding a bike is a LOT easer then hiking.


    10 oz. barley malt-sweetened chocolate chips or other vegan chocolate chips
    2 – 12.3 oz. packages of Mori-Nu Silken Style Tofu, extra firm
    1/4 cup maple syrup
    1 T. vanilla
    1/8 t. salt

    1 1/2 cups graham cracker crumbs (approximately one sleeve crushed)
    3 T. cocoa powder
    1 T. unbleached cane sugar
    1/2 cup safflower oil

    Begin by pressing the tofu. In a large colander, place a natural unbleached
    coffee filter, place the two blocks of tofu in the coffee filter, cover the tofu
    blocks with another coffee filter, place a plate on the top of the coffee filter,
    and then a heavy can or weight on top of the plate. Place the colander over a
    bowl, then place the entire set-up in the refrigerator, and leave to drain for
    several hours or overnight. Melt the chocolate chips in the microwave or over a
    double boiler. In a food processor or blender, combine the pressed tofu, melted
    chocolate chips, and remaining filling ingredients, and puree until smooth.

    In a small bowl, combine graham cracker crumbs, cocoa, and sugar, stirring until
    well mixed. Drizzle in safflower oil, and using your fingers, mix until
    thoroughly combined. Firmly press into the bottom of a greased 9-inch springform
    pan and set aside. Pour filling over top of crust and bake at 325 degrees for 45
    minutes. Allow to cool, and chill, preferably overnight, or for several hours.
    Garnish with fresh fruit or sliced almonds, if desired.

    *Variation for a plain tofu cheesecake – substitute a filling made with the same
    amount of pressed tofu, 1 cup unbleached cane sugar, 1/4 cups lemon juice, 1/4
    cups safflower oil, 2 t. vanilla, and a pinch of salt. Bake as directed above.

    Yield: One 9-inch cheesecake, or 12 pieces

    It’s health food…. Honest.

  40. On February 28th, 2012 at 11:32 am Mary Poppins in Heels Says:

    I just think it’s so cute that you’d actually wear those wristbands from the 80’s if you owned them…!

  41. On February 28th, 2012 at 12:22 pm shelly Says:

    Did you know if you tap your leg while on the computer that ankle odomiter will go NUTS lol youll walk around the world and back!!!!

    Seriously though, i started the HCG diet this past weekend cause my boss lost like 50 pounds on it, and i have to get some of this weight off of me, sooooooo i will let you know how it goes aunt becky!!!!

  42. On February 28th, 2012 at 5:07 pm Cousin J Says:

    Roasting a turkey is excellent exercise. Every 1/2 hour or so you have to bend down to open the oven (stretching). Then you pick up the turkey and put it on the stove (weight training). Then you have to baste (squeezing the baster is great to offset carpel tunnel from too much computer). Another stretch to put it back in the oven. And keeping track of all that timing is mental exercise. Repeat until turkey is done. Eat turkey. Take nap.

  43. On February 29th, 2012 at 12:38 am Ewokmama Says:

    I don’t know why you hate yourself so much, but good luck with those steps. ๐Ÿ™‚

    I did some exercise on the xbox kinect recently at a work party. You’d be totally surprised how exhausting it is to pop floating bubbles.

  44. On March 1st, 2012 at 4:17 pm Trina Says:

    Vanilla cupcake with Butter Creme Frosting. YUMMY!!! ๐Ÿ™‚

    Maybe I should think more aobut walking than eating and my ass wouldn’t be so freaking large and I could come up with some writing ideas, because frankly I am totally out of it. ๐Ÿ™

  45. On March 1st, 2012 at 9:20 pm TheBigO621 Says:

    Aunt Becky –

    First of all, you PROBABLY walked a bit more than your odometer read because Omron odometers are notorious for slightly less than the actual walking you do. I had one and it only started recording if I took more than 10 steps in a row. 10 steps?! So….dancing back and forth in front of my mirror while brushing my teeth didn’t count?!?!! NOPE. So, tack on another couple hundred. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Second of all – I’ve got a FitBit and although I haven’t changed the goal YET, I’m going to change the goal to less than 10,000 steps per day because I am consistently walking less than that…so maybe start low and aim for 3000 steps per day. And when you do that, give yourself a fist pump and bump up your goal by another couple of hundred steps. You’ll be at 10,000 before you know it.

    if all else fails…”accidentally” drop it in the toilet. or run it through the wash. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  46. On March 14th, 2012 at 11:26 am - Mommy Wants Vodka Says:

    […] « Words Unspoken Time Machine » A Prankster Gets Fit or Dies Trying So when I agreed to wear a pedometer (which I like to call “odometer” because it makes me feel snazzy and snappy), I was […]

Email will not be published

Website example

Your Comment:

My site was nominated for Best Humor Blog!
My site was nominated for Hottest Mommy Blogger!
Back By Popular Demand...