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Ashton Kutcher Totally Lied To Me

January4

Dear Christopher Ashton Kutcher,

Did you know, Christopher Ashton Kutcher, that your name is not spelled “C-R-O-T-C-H,” but Christopher Ashton Kutcher? I do now. Wikipedia told me so, Christopher Ashton Kutcher, and we all know that Wikipedia NEVER lies. When I Googled “Crotch,” Christopher Ashton Kutcher, the Wikipedia entry showed two pictures – one of you and one of me. THAT is how I know that Wikipedia – and the Internets – never lie, Christopher Ashton Kutcher.

UNLIKE YOU, Christopher Ashton Kutcher.

Anyway, I’m not here to discuss your name, Christopher Ashton Kutcher, although I do find it odd that you’d not go by your full name – Christopher is a FAR less douchey name than “Ashton,” which just makes me think of THAT GUY, you know, Christopher Ashton Kutcher? THAT GUY is who you’ve played in every movie, every television show. In fact, I couldn’t watch That 70’s Show without evoking night terrors because we all know THAT GUY, and *shudders* and you Christopher Ashton Kutcher, play him to a “t.”

(whatever “to a t” means)

Now, Christopher Ashton Kutcher, I was willing to cut you a break on playing THAT GUY because we got married around the same time and I thought it was pretty rad, Christopher Ashton Kutcher, that you’d married an older foxy lady. Demi Moore – she’s quite the catch.

So I knew we’d gotten married around the same time, Christopher Ashton Kutcher, because I remember going to see a movie with my new husband, back when saying, “husband” was a total novelty because OMG I’m A MARRIED LADY. BEFORE the previews, Christopher Ashton Kutcher, I recall that there were commercials and shit, which dismayed me, because then I had to wait through 47 minutes of commercials + previews to watch the movie. But in those commercials, Christopher Ashton Kutcher, and you told me about a camera. A camera so fool-proof, even my dumb ass could use it. I mean, you even showed a BABY taking a picture.

If a BABY could do it, I could, too, Christopher Ashton Kutcher.

I mean, photography is sorta in my blood, Christopher Ashton Kutcher, and I figured you weren’t lying to me about my newly acquired Nikon D50. See, Christopher Ashton Kutcher, with my father, grandfather, and brother all fighting over the light to get the angle justright for every fucking family picture, I’d sorta thought that I’d be blessed with the photog gene. Like osmosis and shit. Okay, so it has nothing to do with excrement, but you know what I mean, Christopher Ashton Kutcher.

Turns out, for all the fancy doodads and whirlygigs on my new camera, Christopher Ashton Kutcher, I was still a shitty photog. Sure, I LOOKED radder when I was walking around with the camera, but I could pick up a smoking habit and look just as cool.

But then I had a baby of my own – not like the one in the commercial who was a fake baby – Christopher Ashton Kutcher, and I was all, I BET IF I TOOK MORE PICTURES OF HIM, I’D BE AN AWESOME PHOTOG, JUST LIKE MY DAD.

I clicked and whirred and adjusted buttons, always screaming about “the LIGHT HAS TO BE RIGHT,” even though the only beings nearby were a baby and a cat. I just wanted to “get in character,” and my character was “photog genius,” naturally, Christopher Ashton Kutcher.

christopher-ashton-kutcher

THIS IS NOT THE WORK OF A PHOTOG GENIUS, Christopher Ashton Kutcher!

It was then that I realized how you’d lied to me, Christopher Ashton Kutcher. Not only were my pictures atrocious, but no one seemed to care if I screamed about the light or bought a fancy-pants camera bag. You know why, Christopher Ashton Kutcher? It’s because you can put lipstick on a pig but don’t just BECOME rad at photography.

My inability to be a photog was made worse by becoming a blogger, Christopher Ashton Kutcher, (blogging, Christopher Ashton Kutcher,  is just a fancy way of saying, “I write drivel on the Internets.”). Apparently when one becomes a blogger, they should also be a fabulous photog and take pictures of their perfect families doing perfect things, while I take pictures of my kid’s boogers.

WHO WANTS TO SEE UP MY BABY’S NOSE? Answer: NO ONE. See, Christopher Ashton Kutcher, the kid is not even flicking me off, which would’ve made the snap eminently more tolerable and handily proved maternity.

So, Christopher Ashton Kutcher, while I appreciate your role in such cinematic masterpieces as “Dude, Where’s My Car?” and that show about pranking rich people, I’m never going to believe you again, even if you DO tell me that next point-and-shoot is going to be life-altering. BECAUSE IT WON’T. PROBABLY. AT LEAST, I THINK IT WON’T.

Forever Yours PROBABLY ONCE I FORGIVE YOU,

Aunt Becky

15 Comments to

“Ashton Kutcher Totally Lied To Me”

  1. On January 4th, 2013 at 11:55 am Aunt Becky (@mommywantsvodka) Says:

    Ashton Kutcher Totally Lied To Me http://t.co/hBqKItqv

  2. On January 4th, 2013 at 12:25 pm Rebecca Says:

    Christopher Ashton Kutcher Christopher Ashton Kutcher Christopher Ashton Kutcher Christopher Ashton Kutcher Christopher Ashton Kutcher Christopher Ashton Kutcher Christopher Ashton Kutcher Christopher Ashton Kutcher

    Are you trying to pull a John C. Mayer on the internet again Aunt Becky? That is just totally awesome. Here’s to hoping you end up first on the Google Search.

    Christopher Ashton Kutcher Christopher Ashton Kutcher Christopher Ashton Kutcher Christopher Ashton Kutcher Christopher Ashton Kutcher Christopher Ashton Kutcher Christopher Ashton Kutcher Christopher Ashton Kutcher

  3. On January 4th, 2013 at 12:36 pm Jamie Says:

    Oh you – thanks for the laughs.

  4. On January 4th, 2013 at 12:51 pm Grace Says:

    Yay!!! I can’t wait to see that one hit #1!

    Christopher Ashton Kutcher Christopher Ashton Kutcher Christopher Ashton Kutcher Christopher Ashton Kutcher Christopher Ashton Kutcher Christopher Ashton Kutcher Christopher Ashton Kutcher Christopher Ashton Kutcher Christopher Ashton Kutcher

  5. On January 4th, 2013 at 2:39 pm Erin Margolin (@ErinMargolin) Says:

    Ashton Kutcher Totally Lied To Me: Dear Christopher Ashton Kutcher, Did you know, Christoph… http://t.co/VJEduW8O via @MommyWantsVodka

  6. On January 4th, 2013 at 3:24 pm Triplezmom Says:

    Mila Kunis deserves so much better than Christopher Ashton Kutcher. Wait, why do I care?

  7. On January 4th, 2013 at 3:38 pm Quirky Chrissy Says:

    OMG! I HATED my Nikon Cool Pix. HATED. with a passion. The camera toting Ashton Kutcher is a douche canoe. The actor, on the other hand is kind of funny. OK, he’s really funny.

  8. On January 5th, 2013 at 3:15 am melanie Says:

    lol your Christopher Ashton Kutcher post ia already on page five as of 4 am on the google when you search for Christopher Ashton Kutcher.

    not that i google Christopher Ashton Kutcher or anything but if i did google Christopher Ashton Kutcher well thats where i would have seen it

  9. On January 5th, 2013 at 7:24 am Brittany Says:

    Love this. What a liar. Still, there is something wrong with me because I just love babies so much I’m happy to see up their nose!

  10. On January 5th, 2013 at 7:25 am @BrittanyVandy Says:

    Need a laugh? > Ashton Kutcher Totally Lied To Me http://t.co/RMnk7j1W via @@mommywantsvodka

  11. On January 5th, 2013 at 9:21 am @ToddBrink Says:

    RT @BrittanyVandy: Need a laugh? > Ashton Kutcher Totally Lied To Me http://t.co/RMnk7j1W via @@mommywantsvodka

  12. On January 5th, 2013 at 2:57 pm brahm (alfred lives here) Says:

    Don’t feel too bad… he totally lied to Demi also.

  13. On January 6th, 2013 at 11:33 am Emelie Samuelson Says:

    This is so angry… yet so hilarious! Plus, i’m pretty sure the only person to have ever said his full name like that so many times was his own mother. Maybe.

  14. On January 7th, 2013 at 8:31 am Alex B Says:

    This may not be the best place to post this issue, but I noticed that the link to “Band Back Together” isn’t working.

  15. On January 7th, 2013 at 8:51 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    You’re right, it’s not. I am a bad webmaster person and BB2G is currently down because I forgot to renew my membership. I honestly wish it were Christopher Ashton Kutcher’s fault.

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