Mommy Wants Vodka

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As Navel Grazing As I Want To Be.



How’s that for dramatic? Because I figured I should be dramatic since really, I’ve been doing a whole lot of sitting on my ass since I’ve been here last. Well, okay, TECHNICALLY, I slept some in there, too, but really, I laid on my back and squiggled around like a bug while approximating sleep because frankly, sleeping on your back sucks a fat one. I know people are all breezily like, “sleeping on your back is good for your chi,” or some shit, but so is eating free-range organic pesticide, sweat-shop free paste. And I like Uncrustables.

Shockingly, I am still not running marathons.

Frankly, I’m still not able to take showers. Which means I’m a cockroach that twirls in the air when I’m on my back while smelling bad. Which means that you should come over immediately, if not sooner.

I’m going to the doctor today to hear how I am doing with this whole recovery thing. I’m trying to be a good patient and not be all, ‘Am I better yet?‘ every forty-five seconds to The Daver who is probably ready to set me out with tonight’s garbage. And if he sets me out on my back, see, I can’t get up (read: I am the cockroach in Kafka), so it’s likely they’ll toss me into the dumpster with the landfill-clogging shitty baby diapers.

I haven’t seen them yet, but I now have pictures of my incision. It goes from BEYOND one hip to BEYOND the other. Which? RAD. I have a feeling I will look like a jaunty smiley face when I am done healing.

ALSO? And even more wicked rad?


Oh yes, Pranksters, my old saggy belly button that had scars from my multiple piercings? GONE. In it’s place is a new, improved belly button.

I’m going to get a sign that says, “MY BELLY BUTTON BRINGS ALL THE BOYS TO THE YARD.” Because it totally will. Once it’s done being covered in tiny stitches, because right now, I don’t think any boys are going to be all, “damn right, it’s better than hers.” I wonder if my troll who called me navel grazing knew that I might take him so…seriously.

Except no, I don’t care about trolls so much.

But I have to tell you about the ones that were all up in my shit on the Toy With Me article last week. They hurted my feelers and made me sad in the pants. Because, Pranksters, you’ll like this: I got someone who got pretty pissed about it. Now, I was in surgery when the Shit Went Down. When I came out, the last thing I wanted to do was to be all WHAT’S THE INTERNET DOING!?! so I didn’t check until Friday.

On Friday, I saw that while I was under the knife, someone had been being all In My Face over there and THEN, had gone to the trouble of blocking me on The Twitter. Which, hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

I’m in surgery, you moron. I’m not getting up to engage in a flame war.

Whatever. Now I’m just all, IS THE RHYTHM REALLY GONNA GET ME LIKE GLORIA ESTEFAN SAID? Because, freaky.

(thanks to my Twitter friend I will later link to for putting that horrid idea in my head)

OH! And I shared an incredibly personal story about antenatal depression, which TOTALLY does not match the tone of this whacked out post here on Postpartum Progress. I wrote it BEFORE I was stoned and on heavy-duty painkillers. Which, heh, yeah. You should read it. It’s important. This post, however, my old ass troll would LOVE.

62 Comments to

“As Navel Grazing As I Want To Be.”

  1. On November 8th, 2010 at 12:29 pm mecarol Says:

    If trolls are going to boldly proclaim things about you, they should read up on common sayings. Because? 1. It’s navel-gazing. AND 2. Now I’m picturing you eating grass out of your stitched-up belly button.

  2. On November 8th, 2010 at 4:39 pm steph gas Says:

    hahahahahahahahaha. i definitely lol’d.

  3. On November 8th, 2010 at 12:31 pm Tricia / Tershbango Says:

    I had surgery a couple of years ago where they cut my left leg in half through the femur and realigned it. I’m a tummy sleeper, and wasn’t able to roll over for weeks. I still remember the sense of triumph the first time I rolled over onto my stomach…

    …and the sense of impending doom when I realized I was totally, completely stuck. I had to yell for help and have my mama come roll my ass back over. 🙂

  4. On November 8th, 2010 at 12:44 pm andygirl Says:

    who was mean? who? I will kick their trolly asses! well, maybe not meee, but I know a guy.

  5. On November 8th, 2010 at 12:46 pm Kristin Says:

    It takes a long time to recover. Hope you’re feeling better soon and hope you can get your stanky ass (you know I love you) in the shower soon.

  6. On November 8th, 2010 at 12:51 pm Tracy Spillane Says:

    You had a tummy tuck????? Me too, 6 weeks ago!!! Now we will be tummy tuck twins, when you come to Vegas!!! Also, recovery really is 6 weeks. I know.

  7. On November 8th, 2010 at 12:51 pm Emma Says:

    What the fuck is naval grazing? Does it have something to do with teeny tiny goats eating the lint out of your belly button? If so- I hope you’ll clean this new belly button better than before, because eeewww!

  8. On November 8th, 2010 at 12:53 pm Dr. Cynicism Says:

    LOL… congrats on your new belly button, of which brings boys to the yard. And for the record, Uncrustables are surely a creation of God – the ultimate sick food.

  9. On November 8th, 2010 at 12:56 pm Cara Says:

    What? You haven’t rallied against the ass that would do that?

  10. On November 8th, 2010 at 1:02 pm Rebecca Says:

    Keep healing and don’t believe the doctors when they say you can’t shower because when I had Isabella……I had crazy stitches all up in my vajaja and since I love you I’ll tell you what happened……..I had diarrhea and pooped all over my pants….and couldn’t move to get up and clean myself so I had to lay in my crap filled pants for about 30 minutes before my stupid husband FINALLY made it to me so he could help me get up. (I was at home when this happened and he was busy unpacking the car from the hospital stay…and yapping to the neighbors)So if POOP didn’t make me get a terrible infection, a shower with clean soap and water won’t hurt you.

  11. On November 8th, 2010 at 1:04 pm Kristin Says:

    Well first I need the address so I can come chillax with your coackroach smelly self, cause you have tempted me my BFF. If only we were neighbors.
    Now as to this troll I totally need his twitter so I can harass him till I am blocked. Cause I like to do those things and frankly I’m bored. And it upsets me when someone hurts my Aunt Becky’s feelers.

  12. On November 8th, 2010 at 1:10 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I was TOTALLY upset because I was TOTALLY confused. I’m STILL confused. Who the fuck knows what pisses people off, man.

  13. On November 8th, 2010 at 4:27 pm Kristin Says:

    I would be upset and confused as well. People especially trolls can be such assholes. They get their panties in a bunch over nothing.
    But I hate that your feelers were hurt at all. But I loves you and stuff so I hope that makes it ALL better!!

  14. On November 8th, 2010 at 1:08 pm Sam Says:

    I hope you’re feeling much better! And back-sleep is Of The Devil. Even if Dr. Oz claims it gives me wrinkles. Why is he always harshing my mellow?! I still love him. Trolls suck and/or blow, and either way they’re dicks. I called my postpartum phase “the couch at the end of the world” – someday I’ll write about it. These days I repress it. It was that bleak. Thanks, as always, for gazing AND writing!

  15. On November 8th, 2010 at 1:09 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Dr. Oz is all STAIRWAY TO DANGER and he makes me laugh.

  16. On November 8th, 2010 at 1:12 pm Sam Says:

    ZOMG, he used the phrase “downhill slide to decrepitude” last week. I was stunned. In an amused sort of way. But the “Lifeline of the Penis” episode was even better. Especially when he used foam snowmen and carrots. HELLAFUNNY.

  17. On November 8th, 2010 at 1:10 pm Tonya Says:

    I feel so out of the loop since I totally don’t get the reference to the navel grazing (gazing) but no matter, fuck ’em.
    May I suggest hours upon hours of Designing Women and Family Ties, I know this seems strange but the 80’s really knew how to make comedies that one could watch while on heavy pain meds.

  18. On November 8th, 2010 at 1:12 pm Mandi Bone Says:

    I am glad you are back even if you are a little stinky. My cousin had the skin from her belly used to make her some new boobies after she had breast cancer. She had a tattoo on her belly which is now on her boob.

  19. On November 8th, 2010 at 1:16 pm Chocolate Diapers Says:

    What kind of surgery did you have? Shit, I’d like a new belly button!

  20. On November 8th, 2010 at 1:21 pm Jennifer June Says:

    I dream of tummy tucks,
    I can’t even find my belly button…

  21. On November 8th, 2010 at 1:36 pm melanie Says:

    I dreamed of tummy tucks (and begged for them TWICE while I was on the O/R having a baby cut out of me) but alas I am still tummy tuck free….. I am sure recovery is slower for the tummy tuck, but I felt like a new woman at 2 weeks and damn near 100% at 5 or 6 weeks… also if it makes you feel better about the scar, when I had my second kiddo I was on the Operating table and they said my name out loud and said I was there for a repeat c-section, to which my nurses replied… WHAT she has had one!! (Sadly the second cut did not heal up as perfect as the first… what the hell is up with that?)

    Feel better!

  22. On November 8th, 2010 at 1:43 pm Varda (SquashedMom) Says:

    Hey Aunt Becky, so happy to have you back, even if it is the stinky, marinating-in-her-own-sauce version. I didn’t go for the “smell-o-vision” upgrade on the new computer, so I think I’m safe over here in New York.

    I actually am a back sleeper. Not only that but I often throw my hands up over my head in my sleep. Am I dreaming of being a ballerina, being arrested or being tied to the bed and…? I’ll never know, I wake up too early and too busy to remember my dreams these days.

    Anyhoo, I can’t wait to see the new belly button (you ARE going to post pictures when you’re all healed up, right?)

    And I am so glad you are recovering well and truly, and on your way back to your old self. If I were in your neck of the woods I would so come over to cheer you up but I would remember to TRY to not make you laugh, because I know – laughing uses the abs = ouch!

    Keep feeling netter, Aunt Becky!

  23. On November 8th, 2010 at 1:45 pm Varda (SquashedMom) Says:

    Um that should have been “better”. When, when will I learn to FINISH proof-reading before hitting the little button. No, not that “little button” the “Hit Me, Yo!” button (sheesh, you have a dirty mind.)

  24. On November 8th, 2010 at 1:58 pm Betty M Says:

    Glad you are feeling a tad better. It took me weeks to fully recover from abdominal surgery so take it easy. Sorry about the troll. I seem to have missed him.

  25. On November 8th, 2010 at 1:59 pm Maria Says:

    Who hurt your feelers? I have asses to kick!!

  26. On November 8th, 2010 at 2:11 pm Eliza Says:

    Aloha from the land of Orchids ~

    Dang girl, this day’s post tells me you are well on the way to being healed from the surgery. Being ready to deal with Trolls and all. Yup, AB’s fired up. And UP and UUUUPPPPP!

    WOW, how cool is that? A new belly button? Wait… What, they didn’t tell you that you were being re-born? Dang. I’d say you now have a 2nd birthday.

    Please know that smelling *like* a cockroach is something you want to prevent. Sponge bath body parts at a time? Even with brain cells on pain killers, you’ll figure it out. You’re that smart. Truly.

  27. On November 8th, 2010 at 2:16 pm Jersey Girl Gets Real Says:

    Glad you are awake FINALLY!!! I missed you 😉

  28. On November 8th, 2010 at 2:17 pm Melissa Says:

    I totally read that post over the weekend when you tweeted that you were hurt by comments. I was confused too. WTF? Isnt it IMPLIED that a blog post is in YOUR opinion about how you feel? Dude is a shithead.

  29. On November 8th, 2010 at 2:58 pm Tiffany @ MomNom Says:

    Point me in the direction of the troll. I haven’t bitch-slapped someone in weeks. I lie. Days. But whatever.

  30. On November 8th, 2010 at 3:16 pm KCgirl Says:

    DUDE, I want a new belly button to bring all the boys to my yard (it needs raking).

    I LOATHE sleeping on my back almost as much as I hate trolls. And those people who are all troll-ish and lame? I’ll kick ’em in the goods if you want.

    Also … you should stop tempting me to come visit you because quite frankly since I am a relatively new prankster (if I may use that term on myself) it might be creepy because I’ll totally come over and act like we’re old friends. It’s just something I do. And we could totally be besties.

    Although I live in California so that might be difficult but hell, I’ll fly out!

  31. On November 8th, 2010 at 3:36 pm Erin Says:

    I had to have surgery on my abdomen a few years ago, so I get the whole cockroach on the back thing… except I didn’t get a whole new belly button to bring the boys to the yard. I got my old belly button with a Frankenstein-esque stitch-scar circling the bottom half. Ummm, but it did help stuff stop oozing out of it. Anyway, a tummy tuck wasn’t involved, thus I show NO ONE (except my husband) my belly so it doesn’t matter. Because I given’t a crap what he thinks, plus he’s a medicine nerd so he probably thinks it’s cool or something.

    I hate trolls. I’d be glad to flash my creepy monster bellybutton at them if it would help.

    I hope you’re feeling better soon. I missed you so!

  32. On November 8th, 2010 at 3:41 pm Andrea Says:

    Glad you are on your way to recovery. Sad that people are idiots. I’m following your progress closely because I’m totally wishing for a tummy tuck myself. You’re my guinea pig, so thanks. Also, I currently stash my spare keys, some change, and a small notepad in my belly button. Would that still be possible after surgery? Or will I need to invest in pants with pockets?

  33. On November 8th, 2010 at 4:08 pm Caroline Says:

    I’m so confused. Was this troll on this blog, or a guest post, or your other group blog, or…??? I’m anal about stuff like this, if you reference something in a blog that happened earlier or on another site, I’mma gonna obsess about it UNTIL I CAN READ IT MY OWN DAMN SELF, so please, help a sista out and give me some back story or link.
    Just a little OCD

  34. On November 8th, 2010 at 4:09 pm Kelly Says:

    So glad you are back. When I had my bunions lopped off, I had to sleep on my back with a pillow under my stupid foot, each time. I would wake myself up rolling over onto my side, screaming when I bumped the foot. Sleeping after surgery sucks ass.

  35. On November 8th, 2010 at 4:15 pm Kathy Says:

    Pictures or it’s not true!

  36. On November 8th, 2010 at 4:42 pm Peggy Brister Says:

    DOOD you can get a tattoo later LIKE I DID of a vine with little leaves going all the way across your abdomen right on top of the scar. It’s bullshit when they tell you not to get a tat on a scar that it won’t take. Yes it does. I did it. I have a vine going all they way across my abdomen with a sunflower at each end of the vine/scar. Also on my belly button, to cover the scar I got a sunflower around my belly button. They are totally cute and flowery. The belly tat didnt hurt because the tummy tuck makes your abdomen skin numb for like ever and the skin around your belly button will be numb too. Or at least mine is. But I may be a phucking weird belly numb freak bitch I dunno.

  37. On November 8th, 2010 at 4:44 pm steph gas Says:

    i hate belly buttons. i blame it on my mother. i broke up with a guy once for touching my belly button. i’ve been with awesome husband for over 13 years now and he has NEVER EVER EVER EVER once touched my belly button. the fact that a needle goes near my belly button is the only reason my fallopian tubes are still intact. because I KNOW WHERE THAT NEEDLE GOES.

    in my belly button. no, thank you. i’ll get awesome husband a vasectomy while he sleeps or something. i know how to do it, too. my mom like castrated a bull once. and it’s basically the same thing.

  38. On November 8th, 2010 at 5:04 pm a Says:

    I do like to watch the trolls, but I’m sorry that he hurt your feelers. They’re probably especially tender, since they’re brand new with your recent transformation into a cockroach. I’m not sure how your post could cause any controversy, though… Oh well, people are idiots.

    Hope you’re feeling better and can soon graduate to sleeping on your side!

  39. On November 8th, 2010 at 5:11 pm ScienceGeek Says:

    So glad you’re feeling better, Aunt B!
    Don’t worry about Mr Cranky Pants. I’m seeing a rise in what I’ve oh-so-creatively-named ‘Offense Addicts’. They just don’t feel alive unless they’re ranting. Unlike the rest of us, who have a couple of soapboxes/issues, the Offense Addict has a phone-book of Things That Offend Them, and they’re not afraid to let everybody know about it.
    When encountering an Offense addict, just back off and let them flip out because you cannot win. Reasonable disagreement only makes them angrier, and then you’re dealing with a HOW DARE YOU?! Hulk.
    Besides, they get so up in their own grill they end up sounding like a complete twatwaffle. And that’s kinda fun to watch. 🙂

  40. On November 8th, 2010 at 5:40 pm Halala Mama Says:

    As someone wiser than me once said, “Mean people suck.”

  41. On November 8th, 2010 at 7:58 pm Bell Says:

    You should be getting sponge baths and being waited on hand and foot WHAT IS THIS SHIT.

  42. On November 8th, 2010 at 9:35 pm Libby Says:

    The Internet hurted my feelings to this week. Maybe we should both take our balls and go home.

    Does your new belly button talk to you?

  43. On November 8th, 2010 at 9:35 pm Libby Says:

    The Internet hurted my feelings to this week. Maybe we should both take our balls and go home.

    Does your new belly button talk to you?

  44. On November 8th, 2010 at 11:54 pm Katya Says:

    glad you’re recovering well, Aunt Becky! I missed you mucho!

    I will track down Evil Troll who hurt my idol/BFF-in-my-head’s feelings!

    Of course, reading all of these similar offers to attack this Evil Troll above makes me uber-impressed with Aunt Becky’s Amazing Army of Pranksters at her beck and call like this. I am having fun daydreaming now of all of the hijinks Aunt Becky could get us up to on her mere whims…

    Oh shit… I shouldn’t give you ideas should I? Oh well, I’m sure you’ll only use your Amazing Army of Pranksters for good – and to hunt down and scold little Evil Trolls until they cry — because, obviously.

  45. On November 9th, 2010 at 1:04 am Andra Says:

    Glad to see that you are feeling up to spending a small bit of time here, You have been missed, showered or not! You have been missed!!

    Dont you let that asshole on TWM make you feel bad! I loved the article! You are so honest with what you write, you must know that you impact so many peoples lives, in such a positive way. You let so many know, that they are not alone. Screw anyone that has the nerve to be such a douche.. Who needs `em!!! 🙂

  46. On November 9th, 2010 at 6:00 am Sarah P Says:

    You’re going to be so hot from the front, you should never do it doggy style ever again.

  47. On November 9th, 2010 at 8:30 am MannyRee Says:

    Glad you’re back, Aunt Becky! I hope you can de-cockroachify really soon!

  48. On November 9th, 2010 at 9:17 am Lori @ In Pursuit of Martha Points Says:

    I’m glad other people caught this too: “Navel grazing?”

    Who the hell grazes on their navel?

    You must be 1) WAY limber and 2) An ungulate.

    And if 2 is true, I want to know how the hell you type with hooves.

    That’s the problem with the whole troll career track – no entrance exam. They let just ANYONE in.

  49. On November 9th, 2010 at 9:48 am Chris in PHX Says:

    Bionic Belly Button?

  50. On November 9th, 2010 at 10:16 am katrina Says:

    Ahhhh Aunt Becky…..I am so happy that you are feeling better! Navel grazing and metamorphosis in the same post—woo hoo!

  51. On November 9th, 2010 at 10:37 am Melanie Says:

    People really need to start blogs with disclaimers, such as, “If you are pregnant and visualize everything you read, do not read about my belly button being removed and reconstructed. Thanks.”

    In all honesty though, so glad you’re feeling a bit better!

  52. On November 9th, 2010 at 11:52 am TripleZmom (formerly Jerseygirl89) Says:

    I have been thinking about you, Aunt Becky, even though I totally suck and haven’t been commenting or sending you “Get Well” soon boxes of premium vodka and chocolate. But I totally would have if I wasn’t broke and too disorganized to even keep up with my email. Anyway, I am glad you’re on the mend.

  53. On November 9th, 2010 at 3:00 pm Txtingmrdarcy Says:

    Welcome Back Aunt Becky! You were Fucking missed. (Ps- We will all be wanting bikini pics as soon as standing isn’t like climbing Everest. Or cutting your arm off. Whichever is worse. Or whichever James Franco just did in that movie that’s causing people to fucking pass out while they watch it. That should be your goal. 😉 )

  54. On November 9th, 2010 at 3:21 pm GlamorousArmy Says:

    I had the Surgery two years ago, and no one ever told me WHY I had to wear that awful corset for so long. Turns out, the tighter you wear it, the tighter your scar tissue forms. So suck it up, sister and you will have a flatter tummy for it!
    Also, the “walking-while-hunched-over-like-a-dog-in-heat” phase only lasts about 10 days. And it could have been worse when you woke up in post-op…. I cried that I could see my crotch again. I wish that weren’t the only thing I remember saying…

  55. On November 9th, 2010 at 3:47 pm Kristy Says:

    Ah, ride the waves of painkiller fun and don’t you worry about a thing. We’ve got your back, and your er..belly button. Rest up!

  56. On November 9th, 2010 at 6:02 pm karen Says:

    glad yer on the mend.

    I would TOTALLY get them to erase my bellybutton entirely, because, well … maybe I would get mistaken for an ALIEN!!!

    Seriously, I knew a kid once with no bellybutton, but the story is a sad one that turned out awesome, so that’s how the idea of having no button was implanted in my head in the first place.

    Enjoy yer new tum. Feel betterer (sic) soon.

  57. On November 9th, 2010 at 7:14 pm Aimee Says:

    First off congrats on your surgery I am so f’n jealous! I begged and pleaded for my doc to remove my freakish gut during my 2nd c-section but homegirl just threw that fat burgers back in and probably so extra shit laying around because after two kids–I so do not look like myself. (or feel like myself). I am Aimee in a fat suit with a Frass (front ass)–not cool.
    Anyway–your post made me want to sing. Why? because I thought I WAS THE ONLY ASSHOLE who changed lyrics to songs to make them better. My happen to be Christmas tunes:
    Ruldoph the red nosed reindeer? BORING… how about Rodney the red tip penis? Goes like this:
    Rodney the red tip penis, had a very shiny tip, and if you ever saw it, you would want to go lick lick. All of the other penis’ used to laugh and call him names, they never let poor Rodney play in any penis games, then what hot and sweaty night, Aimee came to say “Rodney with your tip so bright–won’t you ride me day and night” (and so on) I wrote this gem in English class in high school. Poetic isn’t it? …. and I must admit, it isn’t my only naughty song turn over.
    You are not alone my sista! I can’t wait to run into you at a blog conference so we can make epic penis lyrics together! LOL

  58. On November 9th, 2010 at 7:16 pm Aimee Says:

    P.S I am an idiot that did not re-read her above comment. As I was SOOOOO excited to write it, I wrote it in perfect broken English. Forgive me —it doesn’t take much to excite me, and when I see that someone else has my CRAZY, I get all sorts of gitty.

  59. On November 9th, 2010 at 11:27 pm Jenn Says:

    I had missed that post at Toy With Me before, but I went over to read it after reading this one. I don’t know WHAT that person’s problem was, I thought you did a great job writing it. And I didn’t get the feeling, even for one second, that you were generalizing, or trying to tell other people how they should feel. The article you wrote was genuine, heartfelt, and something you should be proud of. Your honesty is one of the best things about you; I really admire your ability to put it all out there. Never feel bad about telling it like it is. That wanker needs to get a life.

  60. On November 10th, 2010 at 10:41 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    THANK YOU. I felt terrible. I FEEL terrible. I hate the idea that I hurt someone’s feelings unintentionally. That’s one of those things that upsets me like nothing else.

  61. On November 10th, 2010 at 1:23 pm Jenn Says:

    I have a feeling that person would have found some way to be upset, regardless of what you wrote. The problem that person has with you, or what you wrote, says more about HER (him?) than it does about you.

  62. On November 10th, 2010 at 8:35 am Kerrie Says:

    No fair…I want a new belly button! Can I borrow yours?

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