Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

As Awesome As A Paint By Number Purple Sparkly Unicorn Baby Jesus


57: gallons of baby yogurt Amelia eats per day

2: times I’ve wondered if I could actually *make* baby yogurt before reminding myself that I am, in fact, the same person who ruined jello and has destroyed multiple muffin tins.

98,493,003: times I’ve wondered if people were actually bragging about their babies height/weight percentiles.

98,493,003: times I’ve decided that yes, people will find ANYTHING to feel smugly superior about

3: times that I’ve decided to feel smugly superior that my dog eats his own poo. Because, you know, he’s EFFICIENT and GREEN.

9,330,287: times I’ve considered donating him to the next motherf*$%ing person who wants to talk to me about being more EFFICIENT and GREEN.

2,220,128,203,494: times I’ve considered taxidermy instead.

89: prediction of trolly comments about what a POS pet owner I am this will evoke over the next 6-12 months.

7: bonus points for each use of the words or phrase: “irresponsible” “lawn” “neighbor” “pet shop” “puppy mill.” Double points for anyone who uses guilt, like there is anything I can do about it NOW.

36: syllables my middle child can currently stretch “Mooooooooom” out into

4: times each day I want to grind out my ear drums with a red hot poker so I do not have to listen to aforementioned version of “Mom.”

Super Great: on a scale of 1- 10 how awesome I am.

16: orchids I currently own, making me officially 2 steps shy of the crazy cat lady, only with orchids

2: times I’ve said to myself, “well, at least the orchids don’t get me UP OVER NIGHT” officially making me MY MOTHER and therefore warranting a scrubby bath in bleach

0: current number of television husbands

4: current number of possible candidates, all of whom are flawed in some way or another. Momma’s still on the prowl for a new leg to hump.

4,329: squirrels in my 3 x 5 foot backyard currently trying to find AND hide nuts for winter.

56: times I’ve maturely cackled at the term “hide nuts for winter,” because OBVIOUSLY.

207: times I’ve craved a potato in the past two weeks reminding me a) of the time that Dan Quayle misspelled that word (which, who am I to talk?)(answer: nobody) and b) being pregnant (which who am I to talk?) (answer: not pregnant)

79-ish: comments roasting me about my delightfully tacky cellphone cover, all of which made me laugh so hard that I cried. You guys, YOU I love.

79-ish: times I was equally grateful that while although you guys rake me–justifiably–over the coals, you seldom get all Grammar Police on me.


So, wanna make out?

And, more importantly, should I make my kid be the Land Shark for Halloween and knock on doors and say “CANDYGRAM” instead of “Trick or Treat?”

And really, threaded comments (the ones that you get an email reply to)? As awesome as I think they are?

102 Comments to

“As Awesome As A Paint By Number Purple Sparkly Unicorn Baby Jesus”

  1. On October 1st, 2009 at 9:40 am jenni/mom2nji Says:

    Congrats on the green dog, but I kinda barfed in my mouth a bit.

    Also I want a tacky cell phone cover, hook a girl up. Whats it look like (since I will never get to a conference) and where’d ya get it.

  2. On October 1st, 2009 at 9:48 am Lucy Cooper Says:

    Moooommmmmm! My son tries to warm me up with, “Mommy, um, well, um, I was just wondering, um, did you, um..”. Oh, my GOD, spit it out, child.

    I have a friend whose son reads Green Eggs and Ham (quite possibly the most annoying book ever to begin with) but he puts AHH at the end of every word. “Would-ahh you-ahh, could-ahh you-ahh, in-ahh a boat-ahh.” I’ll recommend the red-hot poker to her.

    I pity the fool who trolls on blogs for grammar. Blogs are in the moment entertainment. None of us fancy ourselves Flannery Oconnor (do we?) it would be like going to see Chris Rock and worrying about the grammar. Stupid!

  3. On October 1st, 2009 at 10:09 am Sasha Says:

    My son went from 18″ at birth to 95% in length by 6 months.

    There was no bragging. Mostly just a lot of o_O “No freaking wonder he EATS ALL THE TIME!”

    I mean really, if you’re going to brag about the baby GROWING, why not just brag they can BREATHE?!

    (threaded comments, made of win.)

  4. On October 1st, 2009 at 10:39 am Kelly Says:

    1) Big Hell Yes on the Land Shark/candygram idea. 2) I have definitely considered changing my name just because of the afore mentioned multi-syllable “Moooooommmmm”. Truly, one of the more annoying things my kids do.

  5. On October 1st, 2009 at 9:40 am Lisa Rae@ smacksy Says:

    My son has demanded to dress as a bee for Halloween. We are teaching him to say that he is dressed as John Belushi.

  6. On October 1st, 2009 at 9:42 am amy d Says:

    You lost me at dog being EFFICIENT and GREEN!

    Never thought of it that way!….At least now you don’t have to take one of them outside to go….No?

  7. On October 1st, 2009 at 9:43 am Amanda @ Mad Mom Says:

    I’m pretty sure I still misspell potato and tomato -e?? I dont even know if that word has an e at the end… crazy orchid lady… i’ll be the crazy flip flop lady. wait, i already am… I hate wearing socks so I throw on the flops in the winter too… ๐Ÿ™‚

  8. On October 1st, 2009 at 9:46 am Martha at A Sense of Humor is Essential Says:

    That is a whole lotta awesomeness!!

    You want some guilt? Just let me know, I have a Jewish Mother on standby for any occasion including your irresponsible puppy mill bred dog purchased from the pet store who you let do his business on your neighbor’s pristine lawn.

  9. On October 1st, 2009 at 9:51 am dg at diaryofamadbathroom Says:

    You have to ask? You need to get on the bus to crazytown if you don’t do it. Hurry up, this could be the last halloween that he does not demand to be Diego or some other heinously uncool kiddie character. And once they ask, well you gotta cause they’re all cute and shit.

  10. On October 1st, 2009 at 9:56 am ainebegonia Says:

    I call dibs on Sheldon from Big Bang Theory as my tv husband.

  11. On October 1st, 2009 at 10:03 am Maggie Says:

    TOTALLY have my Halloween costume sorted out now! Thanks, Lady!

  12. On October 1st, 2009 at 10:04 am Ashley Says:

    Of COURSE I wanna make out with you, biatch.

    And P.S. – you seldom give us anything to get all Grammar Police-y about.

    And last night, after me getting frustrated with Erflet getting up to “jes go potty, mama” (for the fourth time), he turns around and goes, “What is your problem?”

    I almost died laughing.

  13. On October 1st, 2009 at 10:04 am stacey@Havoc&Mayhem Says:

    My kids knock on doors and say “housekeeping” because they heard it once in a hotel and for some reason it cracks them up.

    I don’t think I have gotten and email reply to a comment, though I have seen you respond to my comments

  14. On October 1st, 2009 at 10:06 am injaynesworld Says:

    LMAO! Fluids coming from every orifice!

  15. On October 1st, 2009 at 10:09 am Kristin Says:

    ROFL, I think I lurve you Aunt Becky!

  16. On October 1st, 2009 at 11:09 am Badass Geek Says:

    Make out? Fuck yeah.

  17. On October 1st, 2009 at 10:09 am linzm0 Says:

    There is nothing wrong with being an Orchid Hoarder.
    Until, you know, the orchids start piling up on each other and OSPCA has to come chew your rat ass out.
    But that will never happen, right?!

  18. On October 1st, 2009 at 11:11 am Clair Says:

    @ainebegonia, Hehe, Sheldon from the Big Bang Theory…is this to determine if he’s in fact seducable, or is it for the money? ๐Ÿ˜€ (I love that show!)

  19. On October 1st, 2009 at 10:17 am Allie Says:

    i LOVE when the twins say, in unison,

    can i borrow your poker?

  20. On October 1st, 2009 at 10:30 am kyslp Says:

    Which is more annoying bragging about percentiles or bragging about Apgar scores?

    Affirmative to the Halloween costume.

  21. On October 1st, 2009 at 10:31 am Miss Grace Says:

    I can’t even count the kinds of awesome that you embody. I can’t even begin to count.

  22. On October 1st, 2009 at 10:31 am Nyx Says:

    Orchids are a gift of God. You should be put into saintdom for tending and caring for them.

    Or I could go the opposite way – you’re creating a puppy mill, except for orchids. An orchid mill?

    Y’know, they make pills for cophrophagia (shit eating dogs). But it might be more fun to just watch him snarf up that nice steamy pile…and that way you don’t have to pick it up! ๐Ÿ™‚

    And the land shark idea? Genius. I know what I have a kid (hopefully far away in the distant future), I plan on dressing him/her/it up as one of those stupid child ladybugs. Except he/she/it will be like…fifteen. And it’ll be a dead ladybug. Take that, Anne Geddes.

  23. On October 1st, 2009 at 11:34 am Anjali Says:

    My babies were in the 137th percentile for length and weight. Which put them in the SUPREMELY GIFTED category in the AAP guide.

  24. On October 1st, 2009 at 10:36 am Mrs Soup Says:

    Dude, you TOTALLY need to have your child be LandShark. Brillz.

    And threaded comments = heaven.

    Enough to possibly compensate for being the crazy orchid lady.

    And dude, I’ll totally make out with you….but you have to get on chat first. I miss my lover!

  25. On October 1st, 2009 at 10:39 am a Says:

    My girl has just picked up “But Mo-om” from somewhere. I guess that’s better than the “be quiet, idiot” that I got last week! ๐Ÿ™‚

    Anyone who tells you that their dog doesn’t eat poop is LYING (or they just haven’t seen the dog do it yet).

  26. On October 1st, 2009 at 11:48 am Dot Says:

    1 millkion: Number of times other mothers have read your blog and said, “EXACTLY!!!!!!!!”

  27. On October 1st, 2009 at 10:52 am frogmama Says:

    Re: Land Shark. Yes, definitely.

  28. On October 1st, 2009 at 11:00 am Mary Sue Says:

    Wait, you have to choose between TV husbands? ‘Cause I think I’m up to 14 by now.

  29. On October 1st, 2009 at 11:08 am cjupiter Says:

    I might share Mark Harmon, but step away from Mike Rowe. He does dirty jobs AND sings opera… *swoon*

  30. On October 1st, 2009 at 11:28 am Amanda Says:

    TV Husbands – let’s see…..
    I can’t think of one.

    But Dr. House??? Luvres him. Apparently though I enjoy sarcastic bordering on obnoxious, addicted to vicodin and family less TV husbands. Apparently those don’t come often on TV… Laughs…

    Ooh, I can think of one.
    How about that young cute stud on NCIS – Tony? He’s hot too.

  31. On October 1st, 2009 at 12:33 pm Sharon Says:

    When parents brag about the growth chart performance, I say, “Holy Chernobyl baby!” Works like a charm.

  32. On October 1st, 2009 at 11:38 am Kerrie Says:

    My mom shot a squirrel once with a slingshot – with a frozen Hershey kiss – she REALLY likes her birds….and the squirrel was eating her bird food. The squirrel lived….But has a limp now. We don’t let mom have candy anymore.

  33. On October 1st, 2009 at 11:42 am Melanie Says:

    Why do you have zero television husbands? What happened?

    And yes, I wanna make out.

  34. On October 1st, 2009 at 11:43 am Kelly Says:

    My oldest used to repeat, “Mama, Mama, Mama, Mama, Mama,” fifty billionty times. Ususally to the point where she would end up forgetting what she wanted to say in the first place. It drove me completely crazy. Now she likes to leave me hour long voicemails, where she rattles on for 1/2 an hour about nothing, before getting to whatever it was that she really wanted. I just delete them now, and call her back.

  35. On October 1st, 2009 at 11:48 am Kate Says:

    My grandfather used to fire plastic pellets at squirrels. I don’t think he really cared that they were in the yard, I think he just liked the target practice.

  36. On October 1st, 2009 at 11:51 am melanie Kerton Says:

    so just 30 minutes ago, a checker at the kmarts looked at my daughter and the clothes she was scanning and asked, “how old is she” to which I replied, turned 16 months ago yesterday, to which she replied “AND SHE IS WEARING 18 MONTH CLOTHES?” as if she had never heard of such a silly thing, I said “um yeah” and she said my 13 month old is in 24 month/ 2T clothes… well good for you lady, my son was the same way and who the flying FLIP cares???? I dont think its THAT strange for a 16 month old to wear 18 month clothes do you?

  37. On October 1st, 2009 at 11:54 am melanie Kerton Says:

    And NO TV husbands….what the hell??

    How about Eddie Cahill from CSI:NY even if you dont watch the show……


  38. On October 1st, 2009 at 11:54 am Harlem Says:

    This post is so clever. I absolutely love your blog.

    I just started my blog a week ago. Check it out and let me know what you think. Any advice you could give me would be awesome as I am new to this whole world. I am still trying to figure out how to “advertise” it.

  39. On October 1st, 2009 at 1:07 pm Roshni Says:

    wow! You do come up with super-creative stuff..including the title!!

  40. On October 1st, 2009 at 12:07 pm Luna Says:

    Candygram,definitely. But then you have to teach them how to attack.

  41. On October 1st, 2009 at 12:13 pm Ed Says:

    Re: the costume, you should soak your son in bronzer, get him a black Country/Western Singer Wig, let him carry your dog — which hopefully is black and if not, should definitely be dyed black — and let him carry your bedazzled phone then send him out as Bizarro Paris Hilton. Instead of “trick or treat” he could say, “whatever, betch.”
    By the way, my sons’ heads are much larger than their bodies. When they were really young they’d fall over alot. And we’d just LAUGH!!, MAN, how we’d laugh. Good times.

  42. On October 1st, 2009 at 12:20 pm Charisse Says:

    A dog that cleans up after himself that’s awesome. Kibbles and bits (of shit), kibbles and bits I’m gonna get me some kibbles and bits. Charisse at

  43. On October 1st, 2009 at 12:27 pm Cute~Ella Says:

    I see nothing wrong with taxiderming your dog…of course I don’t believe in owning animals so I might be the wrong one to ask…but I would like to make out.

  44. On October 1st, 2009 at 1:43 pm Rebecca Says:

    98,493,003….people bragging about percentiles=ME!!! Just let it be known that my son only just got on the charts while his porker sister was bustin’ out the seams when she was 6 months old and could no longer fit in the infant carrier because she was too heavy and too long.

    Also, I’m pretty sure threaded comments would be a piping hot idea (sorry, I had to do it!) Because it would make it look like I have lots of e-mail. I am that lame.

  45. On October 1st, 2009 at 1:45 pm Rebecca Says:

    TV Show husbands……..I’m ashamed to admit this but Dr Scott the Paleontologist (PBS) and Steve Songs (PBS) should be candidates.

  46. On October 1st, 2009 at 1:57 pm Daddy Needs Some Alone Time Says:

    Go with Landshark and explain to everyone younger than 25 why it’s funny. That will be part of the trick.

    My daughter wants to be supergirl, which is cool, but she wants me to dress up as Robin. Great. She sees me as a sidekick.

  47. On October 1st, 2009 at 12:59 pm Catootes Says:

    My newest tlevision husband is Michael from Burn Notice, because not only is he hot as hell, but he can fix fucking anything, blow it the hell up, or shoot it, and that is so much more exciting to have as a husband trick than just changing the damn oil.

    Perhaps your poo eating dog and my shiteater can have a hot date together. Given how attracted to the ass taste they both seem to be, one of us will end up with two dogs and I bet I run faster than you after I drop mine off in your front yard. Her breath is fucking death on a Harley.

  48. On October 1st, 2009 at 1:06 pm Jenn Says:

    Who’s up for the office of Aunt Becky’s tv husband now, anyway? Tell us and let us vote.

    I love potato.

  49. On October 1st, 2009 at 1:12 pm ZDub Says:

    If you don’t make your kid dress up as LANDSHARK, I will make mine.

    And I had a dream about you last night. You shoplifted a ham and came over to my house.

    But, I really like ham so it was okay.

  50. On October 1st, 2009 at 1:12 pm habanerogal Says:

    I’m all for dressing them up as something that is a little over their head and still fun and funny to them as well. My 18 year old (ya I’m tha ancient dude) talks to me in the Stewie voice calling me ma-ma hilarious

  51. On October 1st, 2009 at 2:14 pm Chrissy Says:

    “3: times that Iโ€™ve decided to feel smugly superior that my dog eats his own poo. Because, you know, heโ€™s EFFICIENT and GREEN.”

    How awesome are you, to have raised a dog who actually cares about leaving the world a better place than he found it! ๐Ÿ˜‰

  52. On October 1st, 2009 at 1:29 pm Mwa Says:

    The dog thing? I so get. I keep waiting for my cats to die because I want to clean up after them, but as long as they are alive I won’t.

  53. On October 1st, 2009 at 2:44 pm Stacey Says:

    I have no tv, hence no television husbands. And I have no orchids.

    I live such an unfulfilled life.

  54. On October 1st, 2009 at 1:53 pm tangeria Says:

    i wanna t.v.-marry the curly headed blonde guy from the mentalist. i love a guy who can “get one over” on me.

  55. On October 1st, 2009 at 3:03 pm Notesfromthegrove Says:

    Um, hellz yeah I’ll make out with you. Like you even have to ask. You don’t even have to buy me a cocktail first, which is usually a requirement.

    And I love when you reply to my comments. Seeing “Aunt Becky” show up in my in box makes my little black soul smile. Wheee!

  56. On October 1st, 2009 at 2:06 pm Heather Says:

    OMG. I am so glad that that whole percentile garbage came out long after I ejected the crotch rockets. Maybe I just never cared, maybe I missed it because I don’t immunize…who knows. What I do know is this: Who the hell cares? If your kid eats, and is growing…what’s the problem? I’d much rather know that my kid freakin rocks without having to divulge some phantom score.
    I’m not sure if I would trade in the teen angst for the 37 syllable “mom” thing again…it’s like Chinese water torture.
    Sure…let’s make out. You’re my blog wife…in the ranks with Dean from Supernatural, Tony from NCIS, Dr. House, Hank Moody from Californication (cause I LOVE a manwhore), and for the record my married name with Tony is…
    wait for it…
    Heather Weatherly.

  57. On October 1st, 2009 at 2:11 pm Fawn - Like A Deer Says:

    Yes, let’s make out. Now if not sooner.

    My new TV husband will be that Cibrian fellow that is stepping out with LeAnn Rimes….because I totally think he can do better, and obviously.

    I also love Eric from True Blood, but that’s about to be on hiatus (sniff sniff)…thus the need for the new eye candy.

  58. On October 1st, 2009 at 2:42 pm Vinomom Says:

    I think the threaded comment replies are pretty cool. I only read one other blog that does that. I don’t know how to do it.

    I’m trying to think of a suitable new tv hubbie for you, cuz theres lots of new shows on. How about that guy, the teacher, on Glee? He’s pretty cute. I gather that you’ve never been in McDreamy or McSteamy (I’m more into Karev myself)

    I’ll let you know if I find anyone suitable. Do you wanna know who my longtime tv hubby was? I always wanted to marry a man like Dan Conner. Like from Roseanne. I swear, I couldn’t make that shit up if I tried.

  59. On October 1st, 2009 at 3:52 pm Cat Says:

    Candygram: YES

    My son loves the baby yogurt. I’ve considered making breastmilk butter (more to be able to say I did than to actually feed to him) but I’m going to leave yogurt to the experts. That shit has bacteria, and you never know when bacteria’s gonna go all man-eating on you.

  60. On October 1st, 2009 at 3:00 pm Kristin Says:

    I started watching the forgotten to see if I still love Christian Slater like I did in High School when I watched Heathers every day. I think so that the answer might be yes, yes I do.

  61. On October 1st, 2009 at 4:27 pm Lucy Says:

    People who brag that their kid is in the 99th weight percentile have nothing else going on in their lives except their fat kid.

  62. On October 1st, 2009 at 4:31 pm Chibi Jeebs Says:

    “So, wanna make out?

    And, more importantly, should I make my kid be the Land Shark for Halloween and knock on doors and say โ€œCANDYGRAMโ€ instead of โ€œTrick or Treat?โ€

    And really, threaded comments (the ones that you get an email reply to)? As awesome as I think they are?”

    1) Yes
    2) Yes
    3) Yes

    That is all.

  63. On October 1st, 2009 at 3:57 pm Tina PS Says:

    16 orchids? You’re pathetic. I have 70 and counting (yes, they’re multiplying). And a cat. That probably makes me the crazy orchid lady with a cat.

  64. On October 1st, 2009 at 5:05 pm Ms. Moon Says:

    Candy gram! I still crack up everything I think of that skit.
    Keep on with your bad self, Aunt Becky. You make the whole world cry. I mean laugh! You make the whole world LAUGH!

  65. On October 1st, 2009 at 4:45 pm Jennifer Says:

    When people brag about their children’s growth percentiles – why don’t you start in with your orchids? I can’t even grow a cactus, but I can grow kids. Orchids are much more impressive!

  66. On October 1st, 2009 at 4:54 pm Bella Says:

    Oh fuck yeah. I can raise children, but if you spoke to my poor morning glories who grow and grow and never flower, I am a horrible plant mommy.

    I suck. Much like my fiance wishes I would more often.

  67. On October 1st, 2009 at 5:01 pm Sara @ Life with the Two Says:

    A) Of course I want to make out with you. What a silly question.
    2) I can’t believe you had to ask.
    III) SupergroรŸes

    I’m fairly sure that last one is pronounced “zuper gross” but I’m not sure…

    And for me to deem you crazy, you must wear crocheted yarn hats with cut up soda cans on them…but seeing what you did to your cellphone, this might not be too far out for you to do it…

  68. On October 1st, 2009 at 5:39 pm Beth Says:

    When my dog ate her poop, my grandmother told me to sprinkle Accent (a seasoning) on her food and it would stop. It worked.

    I’m not sure why. And I really don’t know how my grandmother knew how.

  69. On October 1st, 2009 at 6:55 pm Sarah Says:

    I love the Land Shark. So… do what you gotta do. I like replies of almost any kind, so.. while I’m all .. uh.. threaded comments? what? It seems like a good idea!

    And… YES. Those ..people.. think they can brag about how big or small their children are. I had a hard time even smiling and saying a bland thanks when people told me how cute my babies were… I mean really? It’s not as though I designed them, things just kind of worked out in that department for both kids. (Wow… I totally just managed to brag about their looks while acting like I wasn’t. Not sure if that’s a win or a lose…) But nothing like having a child sized under the “standards” to realize that other people REALLY fixate on the percentiles. It’s just sad. Family members convinced one child he was super-special because he was “so big!” … then his little brother came along. NOW guess who’s super-special? NICE, people. Stay classy.

    Accent. I don’t even have a dog, but now I think I need to go buy some of that for future reference.

  70. On October 1st, 2009 at 7:15 pm txtingmrdarcy Says:

    I’m like the crazy cat lady too. Except that my cat is imaginary and has her own facebook page…

    oh shit. i’m so screwed.

  71. On October 1st, 2009 at 8:53 pm Nicole Says:

    Dude. I TOTALLY brag about my kids height and weight – especially when they are nursing . . . I am all about letting the world know what my A-cups can do. Well, that and I need people to know that my appearnce is directly correlated to the fact that I have a kid on my boob eleventy-seven-thousand times-a-day. Or something like that.

    Tell me you wear a fanny pack . . . the Bedazzled phone, the orchids . . . there is no way you don’t wear a fanny pack.

    And, Aunt Becky? I would make out with you in a second . . . let’s start the “I’m A Cool Bi–Sexual Mom” trend.

  72. On October 1st, 2009 at 8:04 pm statia Says:

    There is no bragging about my amazon baby. She is fucking HUGE. I was totally expecting this dainty little girly baby. Girly, yes, but she’s 4 months old and the size of a 9 month old. That just ain’t right.

    I was denied the dainty itty bitty baby.

  73. On October 1st, 2009 at 9:31 pm Lola Says:

    Not to burst your bubble, but the poor kid will be destroyed after you explain for the hundreth time the genius Land Shark reference. Sorry, but it’s true!! Neighbors are stupid.

    Oh, and if you think you’re making me jealous by making out with all these people, think again ๐Ÿ˜‰

  74. On October 1st, 2009 at 8:38 pm Stephanie Says:

    Bex, when the fuck you going to have time to make out with all these people and contintue to churn out such witty blogs, hmm? I got the Landshark/’candygram’…however, my brain finished the ‘candygram’ with ‘for Mongo.’ God, I love Mel Brooks.

  75. On October 1st, 2009 at 8:46 pm Shannon Says:

    I want to shoot whoever came up with the weight/height charts that tell me that my daughter is overweight and needs a diet NOW or she will be FAT FOREVER!! Yeah – her pediatrician pulled out the chart and actually told me my 4 YEAR OLD was 3 POUNDS overweight and needed a diet.

    Phew – I got that off my chest.

    I’ll take a candygram.

  76. On October 1st, 2009 at 10:04 pm Nel Says:

    There are always so many thing I want to say in response to your post but by the time I scroll through the 14,437,328th commenter, I can’t remember any of them.

    I do however remembering you saying that you wish all the people that told you that you needed to be more GREEN and EFFICIENT need to suck it. I think I should make a bumper sticker that says that.


  77. On October 1st, 2009 at 9:20 pm Angie Says:

    I laughed…

    I’m new to your blog Aunt Bec & loving it ๐Ÿ™‚

    I’m with all the posters above me on the “yay, gg landshark!” & as for making out…I’ll pretty much give anything a go once (or twice if I’ve been drinking o.0).

    Never been one for bragging about the ferals & used to love to screw with people when the youngest was small – she has hair the colour of copper wire & people would constantly comment on it (still do but now it’s her problem ;p), usually along the lines of “oh, what a gorgeous colour, where did that come from?” You want a lesson in genetics standing in the supermarket? Really!?!…My standard answer was always, “Clairol, do you like it? I thought we might go blonde with her next week” then I’d smile sweetly & walk away, while they muttered about what an absolutely horrid mother I was ๐Ÿ˜› Good times indeed! ๐Ÿ™‚

  78. On October 1st, 2009 at 11:11 pm Stone Fox Says:

    heck yeah on the Land Shark. you have to teach him to say, “i’m just a dolphin, ma’am”

    also heck yeah on threaded comments, i love to get the old “back & forth” going on. also, if we are putting in requests, can we have the kind of comments that anybody can reply to anybody’s comments? because that would rock me like a hurricane.

    and for the bonus points and double word score:

    “my neighbor, who runs a puppy mill, where they stone-grind puppies for the best milled puppy flour around, dropped his Pet Shop Boys CD on my lawn and just left it there. he’s kind of irresponsible like that. jackass.”

  79. On October 1st, 2009 at 11:25 pm nanny Says:

    First of all, I agree, sucking is Green and Efficient. My husband agrees as well. And, really, can’t we all just get along?

    Second of all, Ed? With the lollipop kids? Big heads = fall over? I peed.

    And C: , am I the only Mom that breastfeeds and gains a thousand pounds?? Everyone else I know loses weight! I suck. Obviously.

    Fourth of all, I’m sure that none of this make you want to make out with me now. :o)

    …also have a child with a ‘copper top’ – people always feel the need to comment on it. My child will answer now with “same place you got your hair” or we’ll say – “WHAT??? IT’S NOT BLONDE??” And, my favorite – I’ll point at my belly and whisper….”inside”…. :o) Gawd, that is STILL funny!….

  80. On October 2nd, 2009 at 7:13 am Liz Says:

    I love it when people look at my curly blond daughter, and then at my almost black straight hair, and ask where my child got her curls. Favorite response is – “light socket” alternated with “chewing on Christmas Tree lights” when seasonally applicable.

    Yes – Landshark. And no, nobody will get it, but who cares? Spike that cider you’re drinking (I figure a thermos of something hot while trick or treating?), and you won’t care if they don’t get it.

    Must go knit ugly hat for husband. It’s his birthday tomorrow, and if I make it, he must wear it, and love it. Besides, it displays my newfound talent with yarn. Or lack of talent, but again, I point out that if I make it, he must wear and love it. Or Else.

  81. On October 2nd, 2009 at 9:00 am SciFi Dad Says:

    Note to self: start monitoring grammar here more closely.

  82. On October 2nd, 2009 at 9:12 am Suzy Voices Says:

    OMG the Land Shark idea is PRICELESS! You must do it!!! And take video. And come to my house. I’ll give you vicodin.

  83. On October 2nd, 2009 at 9:14 am Suzy Voices Says:

    OK I forgot to say my piece about threaded comments. I use and people can comment on others comments. But when I reply, it doesn’t automatically send an email to that person. So, to make sure the person knows I love them for leaving me a comment, I respond to the email I get when I receive a comment, and I add the person’s email address. That way my reply is posted on the blog AND the commenter gets it in his/her email.

    That was really boring and unfunny.

  84. On October 2nd, 2009 at 11:15 am Sylvia Says:

    I’m married to Dexter Morgan this year. He makes me quiver in fear and excitement.

    This year the Baby is going to be a piglet with little Tamiflu labels all over his piggy little body and I’m going to let him spread his swine flu.

    I’m kidding. Sorta.

    Also, if you make out with me, I will kidnap House for you. And let my Husband Dexter secure him to a table for you. And since you’re gonna grab my boob when we’re kissing, Dexter won’t kill House. You know, for that sin he committed of being human in the season premiere.

  85. On October 2nd, 2009 at 11:22 am mumma boo Says:

    I love your number posts. Now I have that song stuck in my head “I’m just a squirrel, trying to get a nut, so move your butt…”

    (yes to the Land Shark idea! I’d give him the whole bowl of candy!)

  86. On October 2nd, 2009 at 12:17 pm igster101 Says:

    Is what was meant by “going green”?

  87. On October 2nd, 2009 at 1:00 pm bluzdude Says:

    I love the multi-syllabic “Mom”. Who teaches kids that? I think it comes at the same age that they add a syllable to “no”, so that it’s “No-wuh”

  88. On October 2nd, 2009 at 2:36 pm Ellenmcoh Says:

    I had a dog who ate poop too. As gross as it is (and it is) and as hard I tried to get her to stop (nothing ever worked except picking up the poop immediately, which I did not do), the dog lived to be 16, which is really old for a golden retriever. And she was really really healthy her whole life. So maybe she was onto something

  89. On October 2nd, 2009 at 7:49 pm Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] Says:

    Know what’d be MORE than Awesome?

    You making an actual Paint By Number of you humping a Purple Sparkly Unicorn holding Baby Jeebus.

  90. On October 2nd, 2009 at 8:48 pm TheBeerLady Says:

    Beth, I really don’t WANT to know how your grandmother knew about the Accent on dog poo thing. Seriously.

    Aunt Becky, totally yes on the landshark, even if 75% of the goobers that see it would have absolutely no idea what’s going on. But that’s OK, because they’d think he’s Jaws instead, and that could also be fun.

    And threaded comments? Cool beans.

  91. On October 2nd, 2009 at 8:51 pm Sunny Says:

    I’m pretty sure you can just leave whole milk in the fridge for several months and it will turn into yogurt. A long process but totally worth it.

  92. On October 2nd, 2009 at 9:19 pm Kristen Says:

    Make baby yogurt? Put regular yogurt in cheesecloth and let drain over bowl or suchlikeas.
    I am now going to scroll through back posts in search of Amelia pics. I am in need of a baby fix!

  93. On October 3rd, 2009 at 9:35 pm mountainmomma18 Says:

    dude i have heard people brag about apgar scores…seriously don’t those just mean your kid is, well you know breathing and stuff? Oh and I tell my dog I am taking him to the pound at least once a week.

  94. On October 3rd, 2009 at 10:54 pm Hyphen Mama Says:

    DAMN! Why did I never think of the red hot poker before? Guess who will be using a red hot poker tomorrow???? YEP!

  95. On October 3rd, 2009 at 9:54 pm Sherry Says:

    A couple of decades ago I tried to get my kids to go as Hans and Frans… We’re here to PUMP YOU UP! I was going to stuff muscles in their little sweatsuits and everything. They gave me quite the takedown on that idea, the little shits. I was so disappointed. Anyhoo… I can teach you all about making baby yogurt. The only difference really is full fat milk vs. 2% chalk water. Babies need their fat, you know. In my recipe you have to milk your own goats but you get used to that after 10 or 12 years. If you milk at 7 am you can have yogurt by 2 pm. I’m sure you can still buy milk if you want to go that route which I would if I didn’t have to justify having all these goats.

    What happened to your comments? I really loved reading those.

  96. On October 4th, 2009 at 9:51 am Kendra Says:

    I was never self-conscious over my spelling abilities until stupid Dan Quayle. Now I have a minor freak-out anytime I have to spell “more than one potato.”

    I love your green, energy-efficient dog. I will have to come up with a positive aspect to one who vomits grass all over the kitchen, licks everyone all the time, and cannot stand to be anywhere except exactly where I need to be.

  97. On October 5th, 2009 at 3:20 pm Martha Says:

    Hahahahahhaaaaa! *sigh* Typing just doesn’t express my glee over this:

    “3: times that Iโ€™ve decided to feel smugly superior that my dog eats his own poo. Because, you know, heโ€™s EFFICIENT and GREEN.”

    hehee… thanks for making me almost spew chicken noodle soup. ๐Ÿ™‚

  98. On October 5th, 2009 at 9:46 pm Alicia @ bethsix Says:

    omg, you are such an irresponsible POS puppy mill neighbor. you disgust me. the pet shop lawn isn’t gonna mow itself!

    and omg #2, PLEASE do the candygram thing. i fucking love that skit.

  99. On October 6th, 2009 at 7:51 am Caroline Says:

    Your dog is ten times better than my “irresponsible” “neighbor’s” dog, who likes to go on the sidewalk and his POS owner is the only one in the freakin’ neighborhood who doesn’t carry a bag! Sometimes, I want to go to a “puppy mill” or “pet shop”, and get some poop to leave on his doorstep.

    How many bonus points do I get for using all of them?

  100. On October 6th, 2009 at 11:43 am Heather Says:

    I have a 14 week old (when do I have to start saying months, because that seems depressing) and I saw someone the other day who had a grandson born the same week and she said “so…what is she doing?” Um, pooping and laughing about it… I felt like there was a right answer and I didn’t know it. Then she threw down with the percentiles.

    Also, I need serious help on her Halloween costume. It must be the best first Halloween costume ever! My husband was going to be the devil and I was going to wear a name tag that says “Hi, my name is Rosemary.” With Roman Polanski being in the hot spot again it seems my idea is all the more awesome. My mom thinks that the baby going as the spawn of the devil is tempting fate. I need some ideas. I’m brain dead. Someone said “do you remember what you were your first Halloween?” (Implying that it didn’t matter.) To which I replied “No, because my mom sucks!” Which she doesn’t but damn mom, the best all time Halloween costume maker (one year I was a dragon fly at the last minute) and you didn’t have the first Halloween covered?!

    Help me Aunt Becky.

  101. On October 11th, 2009 at 5:40 am Becky Says:

    50. Number of pairs of shoes I have in my closet to make me look/feel awesome because nothing else in there seems to be doing the job.

    13,542 Number of time my daughters tell me “I have nothing to wear” when I have spent two days doing a mountain of laundry made up of their clothes.

    13,541 Number of times they look for something my closet to wear because hey since I can’t fit into anything in there any more (besides my awesome shoes) somebody should be wearing my clothes and it’s obviously not going to be me.

    And yes, threaded comments are da bomb (Who says that anymore? Apparently me The Dork)

  102. On October 11th, 2009 at 9:58 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    @Becky Threaded comments effing rule even if they make me look improbably cooler than I am.

Email will not be published

Website example

Your Comment:

My site was nominated for Best Humor Blog!
My site was nominated for Hottest Mommy Blogger!
Back By Popular Demand...