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Apparently, I Did Not Put The Lotion In The Basket


When my daughter was a toddler, she and I had a lot of problems with her frequent over-usage of soap and lotion. Well, her fascination with all things cleansing and moisturizing has reached an entire new level. A level so embarrassing that I might be shunned by the entire Mommy Community after I tell its tale, but tell it I shall, because I have no shame.

This one might take the cake though.

The other day, as I was getting ready for work, my daughter came into the bathroom rubbing her hands in her usual mirthful way. Yep, lotion again. As my temperature began to rise, I asked her where she had obtained said lotion. She replied, “By the bed.” Funny, I thought. I don’t remember having any lotion by the bed. Then it hit me.

Wait for it.

Wait for it.

You guessed it…

My daughter had coated her hands in lube. Hi, My name is Julie (Hi, Julie) and I may have accidentally committed a sex crime against a two-year-old.

Now, before you get your spanx all in a bunch and think my husband and I are some kind of sex perverts, hear me out. The “lotion” (I am going to keep referring to it as “lotion” because the word “lube” really freaks me out) she had found was actually a bottle of Pre-seed fertility lubricant, not a 20-gallon bottle of Astroglide. This particular “lotion” was used to help conceive both of the kids, not for hot, stinky monkey love. Regardless, I was mortified.

I immediately took her to the sink to wash the “lotion” off her hands, though there was no amount of soap that was going to wash off the crimson flush that had taken over my cheeks. After I cleaned her up (a remarkably speedy process, given the presence of the “lotion”), I sent her on her way to play. No “No more soap or lotion” talks, no scolding, no nothing.

Just a hope and a prayer to the big man above that she would not tell her friends at school about the incident and that the sex crimes enforcement agency wouldn’t be visiting me at work that afternoon.

Julie is the wrangler of a little girl who wears glasses and a fuzzy pink eye patch and a little boy who does neither. She also writes nonsense at I Like Beer and Babies. She is OK at Facebook and sucks at Twitter.
10 Comments to

“Apparently, I Did Not Put The Lotion In The Basket”

  1. On January 10th, 2014 at 9:11 am Jarred Schenke Says:

    There is no amount of awesomeness to compare with that story.

  2. On January 10th, 2014 at 2:19 pm Caro Says:

    oh, the horrors!

  3. On January 10th, 2014 at 3:19 pm Angel The Alien Says:

    LOL, gross! The good news is a lot of people do keep hand lotion on their night stand, so anyone she tells about lotion she found by the bed will probably assume it was just nice, normal, ordinary Jergens hand cream!

  4. On January 10th, 2014 at 5:56 pm steph gas Says:

    i guess you can tell i’m not a mom because i don’t see why anyone would shun you for this. unless they shun you for not making hot, stinky monkey love with your partner.

  5. On January 10th, 2014 at 7:11 pm Jennifer @ Also Known As...the Wife Says:

    This is a story you revisit with her when she’s 25. Awesome!

  6. On January 10th, 2014 at 11:29 pm Kristina Says:

    I sent this to my sister after she told me her 2 year old ate three of her birth control pills (kept by her bedside table). Honey, it happens to the best of us…

  7. On January 11th, 2014 at 7:58 am Cindy Medina Says:

    Where is Art Linkletter when you need him?

  8. On January 12th, 2014 at 12:18 pm lisa Says:

    My mom has Alzheimer’s and washed her hands in my bathroom once. She came out later and said she didn’t like my soap, it didn’t rinse off. I went into the bathroom and realized she had used my “good” lube, the kind that slicks up when you get it wet. I ended up having to wash her hands with Dawn dish soap and putting hand lotion on them.

  9. On February 1st, 2014 at 5:17 pm RayeD Says:

    Absolutely hilarious! I do not have kids but one of my dogs did something similar. He didn’t put it on his paws but bit through a tube of warming lube. Couldn’t figure out why he was drooling so much until I found it. Great stuff, really enjoy reading your blog. Please add me to your blog roll if you like our posts at

  10. On February 9th, 2014 at 2:10 am Brooke Says:

    HA! That is fantastic. 😉 I hope you took a photo for future blackmail material!

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