Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

And You Can Call Me Mr. Author Aunt Becky


A couple of months ago I let on that I’d been writing a bunch of essays in my not-so-spare time, and it was something I was shy to admit to even you, Sweet Internet. For someone who has told the internet so much about the state of her vagina, I tend to be a fairly private person. Especially when I’m branching out of my comfort zone of bon-bons, martini’s, and cheese queso, which this would absolutely qualify as.

I was so quiet about the whole situation that I only shamefully told my best friends about it when I was nearing the end of it all. I suppose I was just being shy. Well, that and it seems that everyone and their brother has an aspiration to Write a Book or Be An Actor That Sleeps With Vincent D’Onofrio, and the last thing that I want to be is like someone else.

Plus my 5 Year Plan involves only one phrase: Don’t Die.

I’m not that much of a planner, I suppose, although up until very recently, my Diet Coke stash was never depleted. Now it just tastes like battery acid, you bastard, and I don’t obviously want to drink it.

But I have a new non-Diet Coke related quest, Internet, one that I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about sooner. Shh, baby, it’s okay, Aunt Becky still loves you best.

I’ve written a book, and I need help. My literary agents have thoughtfully suggested that I come to you for some suggestions on some of my more sluggish essays, and I think that’s a brilliant idea. Would you be willing to help me, Sweet Internet, in my quest?

Yes, you read that right: I have literary agents. And a book. It’s a good book, I think, and I think you’ll like it.

posted under Aunt Becky Has VD
59 Comments to

“And You Can Call Me Mr. Author Aunt Becky”

  1. On July 18th, 2008 at 4:09 pm deb Says:

    I would be honored to help in any way possible!

  2. On July 18th, 2008 at 4:09 pm Vered Says:


    This is great.

    How can I help?

  3. On July 18th, 2008 at 4:10 pm Mrs.Spit Says:

    Always. Do you have galley’s to send for editing?

  4. On July 18th, 2008 at 4:12 pm KC Says:

    I’ve always wondered what, exactly, are bon-bons? And why is it assumed that women eat them?

    Congrats, love.

  5. On July 18th, 2008 at 4:14 pm Tim Brownson Says:

    Ok so you have a plan to not die, but what’s Plan B in case that fails. You should always have a Plan B you know.

    Maybe convert to Hindu and plot your return as a llama or something would be an idea.

  6. On July 18th, 2008 at 4:16 pm Ashley Says:

    Awesome dude!!!! Now I get to start leaking stories about you to the press and wearing big sunglasses to protect me from the papparazzi when I hang with you…

  7. On July 18th, 2008 at 4:25 pm Heather Says:

    That is just too damn cool. You rock, Aunt Becky.

  8. On July 18th, 2008 at 4:25 pm PiquantMolly Says:


    THAT’S why you’ve been away from chat this afternoon!

  9. On July 18th, 2008 at 4:28 pm Badass Geek Says:

    Thats awesome! Way to be!

    Also, cheese queso? Isn’t that like saying “tomato ketchup?”

  10. On July 18th, 2008 at 4:34 pm gingermagnolia Says:


    That is amazing!!! So, if we help you, does that mean we get to tell everyone we “knew you when…” before you are famous?

  11. On July 18th, 2008 at 4:36 pm gingermagnolia Says:

    Oh, and LMFAO at your five-year plan…do you also work at Hooters?

  12. On July 18th, 2008 at 4:37 pm swirl girl Says:

    I’d love to read your book. Especially if there are no rhymes , illustrations, or mention of mermaids and princesses….

  13. On July 18th, 2008 at 4:50 pm Elizabeth Ann Says:

    FanTASgreat! That’s so awesome! You really are superwoman! You are one of the few people who can make me laugh out loud while reading your stuff. Whatever we can do to help you I will be first in line to buy your book or beat down your rabid fans. What-ev. Congratulations!

  14. On July 18th, 2008 at 4:50 pm Marie Says:

    Count me in I love you writing. I read daily and check a couple of times to make sure I do not miss anything. Whatever you need girly.

  15. On July 18th, 2008 at 5:07 pm trish Says:

    OMFG! How exciting! I think it goes without saying that anyone who reads your blog would be happy to help.

    But don’t forget that I review books on my blog. And I’d happy to review yours…if you send me a copy, of course. 😉

  16. On July 18th, 2008 at 5:10 pm heather Says:

    Well heck yes! Like you thought we’d say no? What you been smokin?

  17. On July 18th, 2008 at 5:11 pm Brooke Says:

    Oh yes! Let us help! I love that you have a book. Can’t wait to see it, and help in anyway we can! Woohoo Aunt Becky!

  18. On July 18th, 2008 at 5:45 pm Frozen Star Says:

    I’ll help, if I can!

  19. On July 18th, 2008 at 6:06 pm Lola Says:

    Holy crap!! How fucking exciting is that? Can’t wait to give my two cents, as usual. Big congrats!!

  20. On July 18th, 2008 at 6:25 pm SciFi Dad Says:

    That is awesome. How can we, oh the lowest of the lowly interwebs, help?

  21. On July 18th, 2008 at 6:45 pm kalakly Says:

    Aunt Becky does Hollywood, oops, I mean goes Hollywood! That’s so awesome! Can I be in the movie when they make it? I’ll even play the stalker ex roomie from hell if the money is right of course:)

    Congrats on the book, can’t wait to read it and would be happy to do whatever it takes to help make sure it happens for you!

  22. On July 18th, 2008 at 6:58 pm Milk Maid Says:

    You suck!!! (Translated that means I’m jealous and now I have no excuse not to write, er finish, that tome of mine).

    What can the Maid of the Milk do to assist my dearie?

  23. On July 18th, 2008 at 7:03 pm birdpress Says:

    Aunt Becky wrote a book?! I wanna read it!

  24. On July 18th, 2008 at 7:32 pm manager mom Says:

    I’d love to do some reading. On the plus side, I am ruthless about the specific meanings of particular words, and I have excellent taste in fonts.

    On the downside, I’ve never met a run-on sentence I didn’t like.

  25. On July 18th, 2008 at 7:38 pm tash Says:

    Only if I get a full mention in the acknowledgments. And a free, signed copy. And an invite to sit in the green room when you’re on Jon Stewart.

    I’m sorry, what was this about again?

  26. On July 18th, 2008 at 7:56 pm lindz Says:

    that would be so awesomely awesome !! good for you!! wow.

  27. On July 18th, 2008 at 8:19 pm honeywine Says:

    You know, I heard variations on that a lot when I was dating. I devastated one poor fellow when he played his country song for me and I actually gave him feedback (it was a really great song that could make a ton of money but it was slow in the bridge). So as long as you don’t pout about it, yes. If you’re gonna pout, I’ll keeps me mouth shuttered! I can only take so many dinners where you won’t talk or look at me, and it’s very awkward in bed. Sorry, I drifted off there… I meant to say, “Love to!”

  28. On July 18th, 2008 at 9:31 pm theramblinghousewife Says:

    So cool! 🙂

    And yes! Just name it! 🙂

  29. On July 19th, 2008 at 12:04 am Jenn Says:

    I’ll also offer to help but my help will probably involve chicken wings and beer. And cab fare home if there are enough essays to read!

  30. On July 19th, 2008 at 12:45 am Melissa C Says:

    hey… a chance to use my english degree??? COOOL!


    Whatever you need Aunt Becky!!!

  31. On July 19th, 2008 at 2:21 am baseballmom Says:

    I’d love to help…I’m a book fanatic, and love to read. I think that’s so awesome…I’ve wanted to write a book forEVER.

  32. On July 19th, 2008 at 7:57 am mandy Says:

    awww, how cool. I want to read it?! That is the neatest thing everrr!

  33. On July 19th, 2008 at 8:31 am Kyddryn Says:

    Hell, I’m game. Whatcha need?

    If you had the chutz to get an agent, you’re one step ahead of the game already!

    Shade and Sweetwater,

  34. On July 19th, 2008 at 9:04 am ewe_are_here Says:

    Well done, you!

    I’ve always wanted to do that!

  35. On July 19th, 2008 at 10:06 am Maria Says:

    Dude that’s fabulous! And admirable. I am finishing up a longish short story and that for me is like a fireworks in the sky accomplishment. (Plus I’m happy if like, four people read it.) So book-type things utterly impress me. Congrats, yo!

    Sounds like you have a crapload of willing helpers, but if you need an extra set of eyeballs, poke me anytime. (Not in the eyeballs, preferably.)

  36. On July 19th, 2008 at 2:06 pm -Seraphimred- Says:

    Most awesome. I am so game!

  37. On July 19th, 2008 at 2:29 pm Catootes Says:

    That is fucking awesome good news.

  38. On July 19th, 2008 at 2:37 pm Sara Says:

    If I knew how to read, I would so pick up your book! What can we do to help? Just tell us!

  39. On July 19th, 2008 at 2:41 pm CLC Says:

    Good for you! I kind of picked up on this, so I am glad you let the cat out of the bag. Just so I can tell myself I was right! What’s it about?

  40. On July 19th, 2008 at 3:12 pm A Soldier's Girl Says:

    Wow!!! I would love to help…I love your blog & your writing in general 🙂

  41. On July 19th, 2008 at 5:22 pm DrowseyMonkey Says:

    Wow, that is very impressive 🙂 Congratulations and I wish you loads of success!!

    By the way, I don’t wanna be an actor but would like to sleep with Vincent. Okay … not so much “sleep”.

  42. On July 19th, 2008 at 6:41 pm Mumma Boo Says:

    Wow! Congratulations! And, yes, any help you need, Mr. Author Aunt Becky, I’m there! Can’t wait to read it!

  43. On July 20th, 2008 at 1:07 am Jenn Says:

    I will help! If you want my help, that is. Haha.

    As long as you promise to sign my copy when I buy it. 😉

  44. On July 20th, 2008 at 1:12 am Jenn Says:

    Count me in!

  45. On July 20th, 2008 at 9:23 am Jerseygirl89 Says:


    You don’t even have to ask, you secret keeper.

    Oh, and congratulations.

  46. On July 20th, 2008 at 12:25 pm Wishing4one Says:

    Finally you tell us. I’ve been waiting to hear this actually as your writing beyond brilliant! ( i love that UK expression by the way) So bring it on Becky… and woo hoo for agents, go easy on em.

  47. On July 20th, 2008 at 8:09 pm Anjali Says:

    Totally awesome! Congratulations! I can’t wait to pick it up at the bookstore!

  48. On July 21st, 2008 at 12:03 am Denise Says:

    Rock on hot mama! I’m totally on board to help!

  49. On July 21st, 2008 at 4:19 am Brooke Says:

    That is brilliant news. Would love to help any way possible. If it helps, I am a proof reader/editor…


  50. On July 21st, 2008 at 10:49 am Kristen Says:

    Yay! I am so proud of you! An agent??? I have never looked at my book again since I finished it. I feel physically ill when I contemplate the editing and revisions and the idea of having to put myself out there and get an agent…
    But I would love to help you with your book, anytime. Maybe you can talk me down from my ledge and help me be brave like you in return…

  51. On July 21st, 2008 at 10:55 am Kristine Says:

    I’m always here to help.

  52. On July 21st, 2008 at 11:28 am Ames Says:

    I’d love to help you out!

  53. On July 21st, 2008 at 1:48 pm Coco Says:

    BECKY! Omifreakinggawd I am so proud and excited for you! I couldn’t be happier if Viggo Mortensen fell out of the sky and into my lap right now!

    OK. That last part was a lie; Viggo in my lap would make me a tiny bit happier. But I’d be honored and thrilled to help you if you still need a pair of eyes.

  54. On July 21st, 2008 at 2:29 pm Bree Says:

    Count me in, yo. I enjoy your writing style so much, and would love to read/comment.

  55. On July 21st, 2008 at 3:40 pm stefanie Says:


  56. On July 21st, 2008 at 5:40 pm Emily R Says:

    YAY! That is FANTASTIC!

  57. On July 22nd, 2008 at 9:13 am kbreints Says:

    Jesus, I totaly missed this post…. I think that it is about time you have a book! I cannot wait to read it…

  58. On July 23rd, 2008 at 5:40 pm heather Says:

    Oh Becky!! I’m so behind because I was gone, but this makes me smile. I’m so happy for you! And I would do anything to help you.

  59. On August 2nd, 2008 at 1:54 pm me Says:

    This is amazing, amazing news and I cannot wait to read!

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