Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

And She Was A Wrathful God


One of the things I looked forward to most about having a daughter was knowing that for at least a couple of months, I’d be able to dress her up in frilly little dresses. After two boys, I’d been eying all things pink hungrily for so long that I was in ecstasy when I was finally able to cross into the pink.

Fortunately, my daughter seems to love dresses. She also has her own tastes, something that I can completely approve of. I was the same way as a child. My mother tried to shove me in her Polyanna dresses and denim overalls and I rebelled. Occasionally, she won, but more often than not, she didn’t.

(she won with the stupid fucking bangs. Those bangs haunt me)

My daughter a Mini-Hulk. If she doesn’t get her way, she will lay down on the ground and kick and scream for hours until we can distract her. It’s unbelievable. If I wasn’t suffering from permanent hearing loss from her shrieking, I’d probably find it hilarious.

Normally when it comes to clothes, we don’t do battle. Not yet, at least. I’m aware that these battles are coming, but for now, we have an easy peace.

When the Pottery Barn Kids catalog came in the mail, my son Alex immediately zoomed in on his Halloween costume: “Spike, the *ahem* MANLY beautiful butterfly.”

The pictures are going to go up under a SPOTLIGHT in my hallway. NO ONE is going to miss this. Including all of his future dates. Payback for being the most unpleasant baby ever.

Ben, the 9-year old, is going to be a pirate. *snooze*

That leaves my darling HULK SMASH daughter to costume. Initially, I was thrilled to buy her a costume. I’ve always delighted in dressing my children absurdly for Halloween.

I give you this as evidence:

My son, the Halloweenier.

I’ve been excitedly pouring over Halloween costumes for Amelia. Would she be a peacock? A mermaid? A ballerina?

I didn’t want to purchase something without some inkling of her approval, knowing her propensity to destroy entire villages with her HULK SMASH anger, so one by one I’d hold up the costumes only to be rejected time and time again.

Clearly, my toddler didn’t understand the concept of Halloween. And I couldn’t explain it to her.

Why, you say, Aunt Becky, why don’t you just leave her be and let her wear normal clothes trick-or-treating? Well Prankster, I’d respond gravely, I’m terrified that the moment she sees her brothers in costume, she’s going to go apeshit. And when Amelia goes apeshit, the world cowers in terror.

So, when I was picking up some disposable Old Navy clothes, I threw a princess costume into my shopping cart. It was cheap and worst case scenario, I figured that she could use it to play dress-up with if she chose another Halloween costume.

Excited to show her the costume, I carefully unwrapped it and made a big deal out of presenting it to her, figuring a little pomp and circumstance could only help my cause.

I handed it to her and I swear to you Pranksters, I have never seen my daughter, the one who loves dresses and tutus, more disgusted by something in her life. She ripped the costume from my hands, threw it on the ground in horror and if she hadn’t been wearing a diaper, I swear she would have taken a piss on it. I picked it up before she could tear it apart with her teeth.

I was shocked. Also: horrified. I would probably have cut someone for that costume as a child.

I guess she won’t be wrestling me for the title “Princess Sparkle, Sparkle” any time soon. Somewhere, my mother is chortling, thrilled that I have a clone.

Also: I am so screwed.

72 Comments to

“And She Was A Wrathful God”

  1. On October 12th, 2010 at 1:09 pm vickilikesfrogs Says:

    Unless someone posts a comment while I’m typing this, I will finally be the first to comment! LIFE-LONG DREAM, Aunt Becky!

    Umm…if that “manly” butterfly costume doesn’t work out, why not let HIM be the princess *snickers*

  2. On October 12th, 2010 at 1:11 pm Zak Says:

    Well, here ya go. It’s obvious what she wants.

  3. On October 12th, 2010 at 5:05 pm Emma Says:

    That’s too funny!!! You should definitely go with this Aunt Becky 😉

  4. On October 14th, 2010 at 9:28 am Melissa Says:

    LMAO, you totally should!

  5. On October 12th, 2010 at 1:13 pm Danny Says:

    One word: Chlorohydrate. Sedate that kid and get her in that costume.

  6. On October 12th, 2010 at 1:13 pm Liz Says:

    I definitely LOLed at the “manly beautiful butterfly” costume 🙂 hehe.

  7. On October 12th, 2010 at 1:13 pm Megan (Best of Fates) Says:

    It is your official job as mother to make sure that every conversation you have with a date your son brings home includes the word Halloweenier.

    I have faith you can make this as awkward as necessary.

  8. On October 12th, 2010 at 1:14 pm Becky Mochaface Says:

    I’m trying really hard not to giggle at Spike. Because lord knows creativity should never be scoffed at. But damn. It’s hard not to laugh. If it were my child, I probably wouldn’t be able to NOT laugh.

  9. On October 12th, 2010 at 1:16 pm Melissa Says:

    HAHA! Why not TRY a Hulk costume?

  10. On October 12th, 2010 at 1:24 pm Erika Says:

    If we lived close our girls would be BFFs. So last Halloween we were at a Mega Halloween store and Sarah hated every single thing I picked out. It got to the point where I was just picking out every single thing just to see if she just hated it ALL.

    She did.

    Then this super cute teenager came over to her and told my girl that she thought Sarah would be a cute little flower. Sarah grabed this girl’s hand (can you say potential kidnapee?) and went to the costume.

    She loved it… LOVED it. It was as if this teen had a magical spell over my 2 year old. She still plays in that damn costume to this day.

  11. On October 12th, 2010 at 1:30 pm a Says:

    Duh…just have The Daver give her the Princess dress. More than likely, she will be happy to be Daddy’s little princess.

    Or take her to the costume store and tell her to pick one out for herself, then.

  12. On October 12th, 2010 at 1:32 pm Grace Says:

    Well I love that Alex is going to be a MANLY butterfly (if there is such a creature) LOL. Maybe Amelia would like to dress up as a turd? (just kidding)

  13. On October 12th, 2010 at 1:40 pm rys Says:

    I just used to let my kids pick out their costumes. Which means my oldest was Ariel from the Little Mermaid for YEARS.

  14. On October 12th, 2010 at 1:40 pm Rebecca Says:

    She wants to be a sparkle unicorn

  15. On October 12th, 2010 at 1:43 pm leanne Says:

    My daughter ignored all the princess-y/butterfly costumes in that PBK catalog. In fact, whenever she wanted to look at the catalog and couldn’t find it, she’d say “see pumpkin.” And while she liked the pumpkin costume, she was really all about looking at the monkey costume, “ooh-ooh, ah-ah.” Probably because pumpkins don’t make any cool noises. (so, yeah, I bought the monkey costume.)

    And my son will be wearing the costume he should have worn last year but didn’t, Optimus Prime, because he had the piggie flu for Halloween. Ah, memories…

  16. On October 12th, 2010 at 1:45 pm Elizabeth Flora Ross Says:

    LOL! I am the opposite. I was a tomboy as a girl, and to this day I am not in to girly things. When I found out I was having one I was sick to my stomach over the thought of pink, frilly clothes. To date, I have been able to dress my daughter as I desire (she’s not yet 2), but I know the day is coming when she will have strong opinions. And I just know she will be a freaking princess all the way. Simply b/c I don’t want her too.

    Although she really likes things like trains and fire trucks, so there is hope… And the costume she selected for Halloween? Curious George.

  17. On October 12th, 2010 at 9:13 pm MommieV Says:

    Yes. This was my worst fear when I found out I was having a girl, that she would be all … girly. And she is (and my mother Encourages it! And cackles!)

  18. On October 12th, 2010 at 1:51 pm MommyLisa Says:

    Mine told me she wanted to be Jo Jo again – but I sold that costume to Once Upon a Child – whoops! Besides she has THREE Ariel costumes a wig and crown and a new Rapunzel dress – we can get a blonde wig – its all good!

  19. On October 12th, 2010 at 1:54 pm steph gas Says:

    i applaud the spike the MANLY butterfly costume. i agree with the idea of bringing her to one of the halloween stores or party city or whatever and seeing if she likes anything on the wall o’ costumes.

    worst case scenario, try to get her in a cute witch hat or headband with kitty cat ears.

    or the hulk costume.

  20. On October 12th, 2010 at 1:55 pm Kristy Says:

    Oh, I love when little girls are like mack trucks. So entertaining for me.

  21. On October 12th, 2010 at 2:01 pm Jennifer Says:

    My son HATED costumes when he was two and three. My mom made a really nice pirate captain outfit, and I have a lovely photo of him wearing it, while screaming and crying. The next year I went with train engineer (because it’s just clothing) and he seemed to know it was a costume. I tried to stick a bandanna in his pocket, and he wouldn’t have anything to do with it. Never played dress up–didn’t really enjoy halloween costumes until he was at least five.

  22. On October 12th, 2010 at 2:11 pm Dr. Cynicism Says:

    Try a Hulk costume, as you slightly alluded to in your post. I like to match costumes to personality… then if she goes into Hulk smash fits of rage in the neighborhood, people will say, “Oh she’s amazing! And so into the character! How cute!”

  23. On October 12th, 2010 at 2:12 pm Brandi Cortes Says:

    Mine want to go as Princess Leia and Darth Vader…SNORE!!! I think they should go as me and their dad. All it would take is my daughter carrying my Blackberry & box of wine. And for my baby boy–a wife beater and a “Yo Soy Boricua” bumper sticker on his ass.

  24. On October 12th, 2010 at 2:55 pm stacey@Havoc&Mayhem Says:

    I always manipulated my toddler choices with negative reinforcement. I’d have picked up the princess costume & said “You’re right, it is a bad costume. You don’t like it. It’s not your sort of costume. We’ll put away and you’ll NEVER see it AGAIN. Because it’s a bad outfit & you shouldn’t wear it. Maybe we’ll give it to another girl who likes princess stuff & find you something else.”

    If the phrase ‘never again’ doesn’t get them, then ‘give it away’ always did. “NO! It’s MINE! MY COSTUME! MINE!” and they put it on.

    BUt mine are boys and I think reverse psychology works better on males

  25. On October 12th, 2010 at 3:45 pm TheBeerLady Says:

    I don’t actually have children, so I could be wrong about anything involving rug rats. On the other hand, I worked in male-dominated professions for years, so I feel confident in giving my opinion there.

    Reverse psychology works better on males because testosterone kills brain cells. They’re just not bright enough to figure it out.

  26. On October 12th, 2010 at 3:05 pm Elizabeth Says:

    My three year old daughter sounds a lot like your little girl. She turned down all fairy/princess costumes and announced she will be trick-or-treating as a space monkey this year.

  27. On October 12th, 2010 at 3:10 pm Kristin Says:

    I think not sure since we are BFF’s and all that we share a daughter somehow. This is my daughter to a T. When she was a baby she a Hunny Pot and since then it has been a battle. Thankfully she does love frilly girly things. So we would not have argued over a Princess costume. But her day to day clothes are a battle. And she will cut a bitch if she doesn’t get her way.

    I had the same battle with my children for creative costumes. Sadly I lost. I wanted The Boy to be mother fucking Land Shark Oh Hells To the no, none of his friends are gonna be Land Shark sure Boy be a follower not a leader. So he’s going to be lame ass Bumble Bee from Transformers. And Land Shark of course isn’t girly so no fucking Land Shark. But with God as my witness till the day I die, ONE of my children will be mother fucking Land Shark!!!!

    And Kudos to you Alex, on being a manly butterfly. I wish I could convince my husband that our future son could be that manly. Cause lord knows The Boy would now NEVER be anything creative!!

  28. On October 12th, 2010 at 3:15 pm Kristin Says:

    I totally think she should go as a mucha lucha wrestler…tights, a shiny pair of superman type underwear covers, and take a new pair of boys underwear and put them on her head and use the leg wholes as eye holes.

  29. On October 12th, 2010 at 7:07 pm katrina Says:

    ha ha ha….that is great! you could make it a mother-daughter team….mucha lucha and mama mia!

  30. On October 12th, 2010 at 3:20 pm Phil_E_Girl Says:

    AWE! So sorry things didn’t work out the way you wanted them to. It seems we have the same family dinamic…2 older boys (mine are 12&8) and one daughter (mine is 4). I also have to agree with you about daughters….they are scarey and distructive. How the hell does all that noise and screaming come out of my little sweet princess? Sometimes I think to myself “any minute her head is going to spin completely around!”. Good Luck, sounds like you are gonna need it, LOL!

  31. On October 12th, 2010 at 3:25 pm E Says:

    I love that you let your children wear and play with whatever makes their little hearts smile. Dolls, manly butterflies, cupcake shirts, trucks, puzzles, etc. I am sure you son will be the prettiest butterfly out there! And good luck with Amelia. I know my mom is just WAITING for the day I have a kid.

  32. On October 12th, 2010 at 3:27 pm txjennk Says:

    My grandson wanted to be a UPS delivery man for Halloween last year but his mom wanted him to be a scarecrow. Those battles were epic. (And highly amusing for me.) My poor granddaughter had to be a poodle. But she’s only two so I’m sure the battles will begin soon. And I had a nephew that was Buzz Lightyear until he outgrew the costume. At least 3 years. That’s the benefit of being aunt/grandma without ever having been a mom. I just get to take pictures and giggle.

  33. On October 12th, 2010 at 3:28 pm txjennk Says:

    And on a personal note…being Raggedy Ann when you have a severe rash…sucks. Just for the record…

  34. On October 12th, 2010 at 3:29 pm Brooke Says:

    I think you should dress her as a parasite. A crotch parasite. You’re welcome.

  35. On October 12th, 2010 at 3:45 pm MistySpring Says:

    It’s obvious… she wants to be John C. Mayer.

  36. On October 12th, 2010 at 3:45 pm Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] Says:

    She can go as a screaming toddler.

    You’re welcome.

  37. On October 12th, 2010 at 3:58 pm toywithme Says:

    It’s obvious she wants to be just like her mom, so throw on a “Shut Your Whore Mouth” t-shirt and wig. Presto! Aunt Becky Mini Me. My work here is done.

  38. On October 12th, 2010 at 11:16 pm Wicked Shawn Says:

    Great minds! I was thinking throw on the t-shirt and make her a fake laptop out of a cardboard box. Bam..she’s Aunt Becky!

  39. On October 12th, 2010 at 4:32 pm aubrey Says:

    So I think you need to get her a mini hulk costume and convince her to wear the frly tutuprincess dress over it! There ya go it would be an amelia original! And it seems like it would fit her to a t! So far I have kids going as devils. A garden gnome and brainy smurf! i

  40. On October 12th, 2010 at 5:28 pm The Sweetest Says:

    Well, we were all set on a Manta Ray costume, until one day Hayden started saying he wanted to be a monster, and I’m like, but you don’t have to dress up for that. He’s going to be a manta ray, whether he likes it or not.

  41. On October 12th, 2010 at 5:38 pm My Bumpy Journey Says:

    HA HA HA! I am loving the Halloweenier. Classic.

  42. On October 12th, 2010 at 5:40 pm Deidra Says:

    Did the crotch parasites switch genders somehow? 😀

  43. On October 12th, 2010 at 5:54 pm MandyMoore Says:

    You think your bangs were bad? My mom used to straight-scissor them straight across my forehead and then CURL them with the curling iron that she would always fuck up and crimp the ends. Oh I’m not done. AND then she would take her MOTHEREFFING aqua net to be sure it stayed just the way she (thought) it looked good.

    Half the time this resulted in her burning my forehead. Do you know how many hours I logged in the school bathroom during homeroom sticking my head underneath my sink faucet? We should have a bang-off and vote whose was worse.

  44. On October 12th, 2010 at 5:55 pm Amy @ RenderMeMama Says:

    Heh. You little princess and my little monster both have Hulk tendencies. I swear the first time he shook his tiny fists of rage at me I nearly died of laughter. Something so weird about someone so tiny with such a fierce temper.

    Anyway, I think she should be go dressed up as “Your obscure internet cousin”. I imagine the costume would be something like a sparkly flannel shirt and tutu.

  45. On October 12th, 2010 at 6:20 pm Tim Says:

    Tantrums get shit done. They really do. I fear for cities in your nearby area if you would have chose a fairy costume instead of a princess costume. There would have been blood. PS. The hotdog costume is awesome

  46. On October 12th, 2010 at 6:38 pm Delicia Says:

    At least she’ll wear dresses. My daughter is youngest with 2 older brothers, and just like myself (also youngest with 2 older brothers) she is a total tomboy, and won’t get near a dress. For the last halloweens she has gone as:

    1. Harry Potter
    2. Frodo
    3. A witch
    4. Harry Potter

    Seeing a theme here?? I’m not sure how I managed to get her to go as a witch that year, I think it was just because she liked the huge pointed hat.. which I ended up carrying.

  47. On October 13th, 2010 at 10:12 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I have a feeling that the moment she realizes that I *like* her to wear dresses, she won’t wear them anymore. Then she’ll want to be a shoe or something. Kids, man.

  48. On October 12th, 2010 at 6:48 pm K Says:

    My daughter, like yours, earned her nickname (Beast). She didn’t have halloween costume issues- but I had to give in when she decided to wear her costumes everyday, everywhere (let her be creative, I thought). The time I put my foot down is when she tried not to wear panties, ever, even to school. Mom won on that one. Panties are a must, even under a pokemon costume.

  49. On October 12th, 2010 at 6:55 pm Erin Says:

    Well, I would say you could borrow one of my daughters who are 6 and almost 3 but given their recent obsession with Pirates of the Caribbean, they are both going to be, you guessed, pirates. My older daughter is fond of frillies though which makes me gag…I was a total tomboy.

    LOVE the Halloweenier!

  50. On October 12th, 2010 at 7:01 pm katrina Says:

    ha ha ha….i love the ‘manly’ butterfly…the kid has taste! And why not, Mimiminihulk? When my daughter was 4 she insisted on wearing a big ass conehead with her princess costume. It was hilarious!

  51. On October 12th, 2010 at 7:48 pm Megan Says:

    I found that saying “No costume, no candy” worked wonders in getting my toddler into costume!

  52. On October 12th, 2010 at 8:44 pm Amyzon the Oracle Says:

    If she’s going to scream no matter what you get her, why don’t you send her as a Pterodactyl? That way you can tell people that she screams because she’s “acting” like a dinosaur. Loud, piercing shrieks just cry out for a Baby Pterodactyl costume.

  53. On October 13th, 2010 at 10:10 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    That is PERFECT! Loves it!

  54. On October 12th, 2010 at 9:03 pm DeeDee Says:

    LOVE IT! HULK SMASH. you also gotta love the “manly” butterfly. 🙂

  55. On October 12th, 2010 at 9:49 pm Brooke Says:

    LOL… “disposable old navy clothes”. Love it. And so true.

  56. On October 13th, 2010 at 5:55 pm Jami Says:

    Ok, I do not have the bank account to consider Old Navy disposable. Wish I was all you guys.

  57. On October 13th, 2010 at 9:34 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I mean disposable as in ‘it falls apart on me.’ I’m hard on things.

  58. On October 12th, 2010 at 10:19 pm Pete in Az Says:

    Can you dye her green?

  59. On October 12th, 2010 at 10:37 pm andygirl Says:

    I think we’ve learned a few things today.
    1. you are a photoshop maven
    2. nothing can top the Halloweenie. I think my ovaries exploded when I saw that.
    3. Alex will be a perfect butterfly, which we’ve already established.
    4. I think you should just dress Amelia as the Hulk and call it a day.

  60. On October 12th, 2010 at 11:44 pm SharleneT Says:

    You’ve only just begun…

  61. On October 13th, 2010 at 12:32 am Heather Meyers Says:

    You should have hidden it in her closet and then pretended like you didn’t want her to have it when she found it. I think there’s something about your mom picking stuff out for you and being all excited about it that just totally turns a kid off. Hell, I’m 35 and it still pisses me off. But I have noticed a trend with my daughter that she loves ANYTHING I don’t want her to have.

  62. On October 13th, 2010 at 7:59 am Trista Says:

    Who knew there were so many pitfalls associated with dressing up your kid for Halloween? Last year we bought our daughter a butterfly costume, and she screamed like we were costuming her as John C.Mayer. This year as a two-year old she is old enough to have input so we got her approval to buy a Raggedy Anne costume, but now whenever someone asks her what she’s going to be for Halloween she says “A Pirate!” Fuck. I’m going to buy an eyepatch to go with her Raggedy Anne costume and call it a day.

  63. On October 13th, 2010 at 9:57 am Jersey Girl Gets Real Says:

    My daughter wants to be one of the models from “Deal or No Deal” and I mean a SPECIFIC model because she knows all their damn names! Wanna switch?!?!?!

    I would be curious to see what her reaction would be like “A” said if the Daver presented the princess costume. Just for fun 😉

  64. On October 13th, 2010 at 10:30 am Evil Twin's Wife Says:

    Our son is nearly 13 and our daughter is nearly 5. In her 4 (so far) years of life, she flips out about costumes and especially masks. So, our son said he didn’t want a dorky costume, we know the girl child won’t visit more than one house, so my plan is to buy a big bag of candy we all like and leave it at that. Sometimes, ya gotta pick your battles! LOL.

  65. On October 13th, 2010 at 1:12 pm MXW Says:

    Haha! I don’t have kids yet, but I was a terror of a child with a will of steel and my parents have wished on me for years that when I do reproduce I’ll clone myself.

    This post makes me scared for my future.

  66. On October 13th, 2010 at 3:54 pm Dora Says:

    Oh, how I love Amelia!

    My daughter doesn’t care about clothes. She doesn’t like shoes and socks, and will pull them off as quickly as she can, but clothes, for now, whatever. Honestly, she doesn’t even care if her diaper is full of crap. But she doesn’t like diaper rashes, so I change her promptly. I’m aware that this won’t last. This is my window. I can dress her however I want to. So for Halloween she’s going to be a ballerina. Because it was cute as hell, and was $10 at TJ Maxx. Might want to have some insulin on hand, ’cause Miss Sunshine Ballerina will be sooooooooo sweet!

  67. On October 14th, 2010 at 7:10 am Jenn Says:

    I love you ten times extra today for allowing Alex to be a butterfly for Halloween. When Monkey was 3 he REALLY REALLY REALLY wanted to be a princess and Kent said NO. I was going to let the boy be a princess anyway (’cause who cares what Dad thinks?) but he secretly worked behind my back to convince Monkey to change his mind. I am still upset about that.
    ANYWAY, yay for you and yay for Alex! Monkey was aaaalmost a pirate this year too but he went with Harry Potter instead.

  68. On October 14th, 2010 at 8:54 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Oh, I’m fending off all of the shit he’s getting. TRUST ME. If the baby wants to be a butterfly, HE’LL BE A FUCKING BUTTERFLY.

    I think it would resort to blows if Alex wanted to be a princess, tho. Which is SO STUPID. If Amelia wanted to be a Prince, no one would bat an eyelash at it.

  69. On October 14th, 2010 at 8:55 am Melissa Says:

    That’s pretty much what Sarah did to her Nemo costume this morning…. I hope the ladybug fares better otherwise she can go in a halloween tee-shirt, because naked (to school) isn’t an option. (though she MAY like that better)

  70. On October 14th, 2010 at 8:58 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    We have the same children? WEIRD. Also: AWESOME.

  71. On October 14th, 2010 at 9:14 am Melissa Says:

    OK, so it isn’t weird then that she then wanted to carry the Nemo costume around like a stuffed animal? In fact, she want so far as to “introduce” it to her ACTUAL NEMO DOLL… (She does not yet talk, so this is sort of a series of grunts and hums… hard to explain…yet cute)… But put it on? BANSHEE.. Percocet anybody?

  72. On October 18th, 2010 at 10:01 am Tershbango Says:

    The Halloweiner – luvs it! 🙂

    My best friend’s son used to like to ‘get ready’ with us when his mama and I were going out on the town. We’d get all hussied up and he’d do the same. He particularly liked fuschia lipstick and feather boas. We have photographic evidence and now that he’s fourteen we tell him that if we catch him getting busy with a girl we’ll give her copies of all his cross-dressing pics! 🙂

Email will not be published

Website example

Your Comment:

My site was nominated for Best Humor Blog!
My site was nominated for Hottest Mommy Blogger!
Back By Popular Demand...