Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

And I Hate Puppies *Too!*


It always shocks me to learn that something I find so utterly inconsequential would be so controversial, so worthy of being yelled at and berated for. Something that when people learn of it, they sputter and shout, get their proverbial panties in a bunch, and tend to form an immediate opinion of She’s An Idiot, Let’s Smile, Nod, And Run Like Hell.

Of course, I’m talking about one of the myriad of things in the world I don’t happen to like.

I’ll admit it to you, here and now, and you can decide if you’d like to continue to read the blog of someone who doesn’t like sandwiches.

Yes, Internet, I am telling you that I do not like sandwiches.

I know, I know, how is there a God if someone admits to disliking such an old standby? How can the world spin properly on its’ axis while some Midwestern Idiot doesn’t like sandwiches? WHAT’S THERE NOT TO LIKE?

Well, I don’t know. I guess I just don’t really care for meat shoved between slices of warm bread (oooo, she’s being dirty now). Now, this isn’t to say that there aren’t exceptions to the rule: sometimes I might dig on a sandwich–especially if it’s dripping with vinegar–but overall, I’m okay without either.

Before you peg me as a card carrying member of People Who Hate Sandwiches And Make Those Who Do Feel Badly For It (sadly not a Yahoo Group at this time, HINT, HINT, HINT), let me be the first to assure you that I’ve never picketed a Subway, never thrown pad thai at people exiting Jimmy John’s, never even worn a shirt proclaiming my abhoration of such an American staple. In fact, surprisingly I don’t even own such a shirt.

I’m free to coexist peaceably among the Sandwich Lover’s Of The World, begging off when people go for a taste sensation on a bun, preferring, well, most anything else.

I’m free, of course, until I dare open my mouth and explain precisely WHY I won’t be going with for a li’l slice of Heaven. All it takes is some seemingly innocuous comment “Well, I don’t really like sandwiches” before someone jumps down my throat, feet first.

“Whaaaat?” They sputter at me, squinting at me disbelievingly, “You don’t like sandwiches? WHY, O WHY NOT? THEY’RE THE MOST WONDERFUL THING ON THE PLANET!”

When I reply, typically with a shoulder roll, a Golly Gee ‘Aw Shucks’ expression and a simple, “I don’t know,” The Sandwich Lovers invariably question me further. “Were you abused by a sandwich? Did you accidentally eat one raw? Did you RUN ONE OVER? Were you made fun of by a sandwich as a child?”

The answer to all those questions and more is a simple, “No” and the moment I utter that one syllable I’m immediately taken for as The Enemy Of The Freedom To Love Sandwiches and anything else I say is disregarded completely.

So far I’ve avoided defending myself the Creepy Sandwich People by explaining precisely what it is that I do not like: lunch meat is phony meat (don’t ask me where I got that idea. I refuse to eat meat from TV dinners, too), lunch meat is loaded with sodium and frightening preservatives (altho a hot dog is one of my favorite foods, well, ever), bread has a billion calories in it, I hate mayo, I like my veggies separate from the rest of my food.

I avoid explaining it because it’s pointless. I don’t like sandwich because I don’t like sandwiches. It’s simple and yet ridiculously (needlessly) complex.

I think from now on, I’m going to tell people that sandwiches are against my religion. Maybe it’ll help.

posted under It's Becky, Bitch
41 Comments to

“And I Hate Puppies *Too!*”

  1. On July 20th, 2008 at 4:33 pm Vered Says:

    I always thought sandwiches were utilitarian: a convenient way to have food quickly without using pots, pans or utensils.

    I like sandwiches well enough, but I am fine with anyone who doesn’t like them.

  2. On July 20th, 2008 at 4:42 pm mandy Says:

    I wish I had that kind of aversion to chocolate. Sadly, I do not.

    Not a big sandwich fan either-especially when it’s called a “samwich”. No real reason other than, I can think of better things to waste calories on.

  3. On July 20th, 2008 at 4:43 pm Cassie Says:

    I often find myself having to explain to people why I don’t like popcorn. It’s usually while they’re trying to shove a bowl of it in my face and don’t understand when I tell them that the smell makes me want to vomit.

  4. On July 20th, 2008 at 4:55 pm E_Sharp Says:


    I kid. There is nothing I like more than a good sandwich, but I can still coexist peacefully with those that don’t.

    Thanks for your comment. I am trying to not be such a crybaby whineypants, but if you can’t vent on the internet, what’s the damn point of it all. 😉

  5. On July 20th, 2008 at 5:04 pm niobe Says:

    I hate sandwiches. And hamburgers. And condiments. And….well, and just about everything. But my secret is safe with you, right?

  6. On July 20th, 2008 at 5:05 pm Badass Geek Says:

    My mother-in-law doesn’t like pancakes.

    That might be a little more strange than not liking sandwiches.

  7. On July 20th, 2008 at 5:07 pm SciFi Dad Says:

    You know what will help you?


    Or, a puppy sandwich.

  8. On July 20th, 2008 at 5:09 pm Katie Says:

    I am right there with you. I don’t like sandwhiches either, but that is because I hate the way the bread sticks to the roof of my mouth, so I don’t eat them, unless they are toasted, and even then it has to be really good

  9. On July 20th, 2008 at 5:16 pm Kymberli Says:

    Frank is on the way home with my pastrami and corned beef on rye.

    Now I can’t read your blog anymore because you hate sammiches. 😉

    What about PB&J on low-cal/low-fat wheat bread? No meat there.

    I went several years not able to eat plain potato chips, and even now I have to be in a certain mood that rolls around approximately every .756 years to eat some.

    I can’t eat anything blue that isn’t naturally blue. Like popsicles, frosting, etc. Blue gum is alright if it’s minty, but if it’s berry-flavored, then forget it. Blue mints, on the other hand, are disgusting. Unless they’re the melt-in-your-mouth dinner mints.

    I have issues.

    Frank is home. I’m going to eat my hot meat and bread.

    That sounded freak-nasty.

  10. On July 20th, 2008 at 5:45 pm giggleblue Says:

    not even grilled cheese???


    was this sparked by my blog about 2am sandwhich making???

  11. On July 20th, 2008 at 6:03 pm birdpress Says:

    Well, I only eat them once in a blue moon because I’m a perpetual dieter and sandwiches are a big no-no. I do, however, hate mayo, and that will ruin a sandwich for me.

    Maybe you should tell people you are addicted to sandwiches and therefore must avoid them at all costs, lest they lead you down that slippery slope of sandwicholicism.

  12. On July 20th, 2008 at 6:11 pm honeywine Says:

    HOW DARE YOU!!! lol There’s a lot to be said for a good sandwich. The real problem is finding a good one. It’s like trying to find good cheese or good bread. Unless you’re in the city you’re screwed.

  13. On July 20th, 2008 at 6:21 pm -Seraphimred- Says:

    Well, Miss Aunt Becky will you hate me if I say that I hate HOTDOGS? i’m sorry!!!!!!!!!

    As for the sandwiches…..meh. I could take ’em or leave ’em. No biggie.

  14. On July 20th, 2008 at 6:25 pm Tanya Says:

    I confess to being a carbohydrate addict… and lazy. Therefore, I eat sandwiches. Lots and lots of sandwiches.

    I hate milk on cereal.

  15. On July 20th, 2008 at 6:29 pm Stacey Says:

    I don’t like sandwiches with lunchmeat. I’m guessing that is due to the endless amount of baloney sandwiches and ham sandwiches I was fed for lunch for the first 18 years of my life. I feel I have eaten my lifetime quota of lunchmeat already.

    But i do love a club sandwich with actual chicken breast (not the flattened processed thinly sliced mushy stuff) on it

  16. On July 20th, 2008 at 6:44 pm A Soldier's Girl Says:

    I love, love, love sandwiches (especially from Schlotzky’s or Jason’s Deli)…so good that you don’t like em, more for me! 😉

    Wierdo ~ joking of course (halfway) 🙂

  17. On July 20th, 2008 at 6:49 pm Tracy (Tiny Mantras) Says:

    I agree!!! There are a few exceptions – I like grilled panini sandwich-thingys, but the traditional cold-cut sandwich is not my thing. I also don’t like mayonnaise. This drives my husband nuts.

  18. On July 20th, 2008 at 7:04 pm Karen Says:

    Well, I don’t like cereal. I can eat it dry, but with milk for breakfast… is like a bowl of vomit.

  19. On July 20th, 2008 at 7:18 pm Sara Says:

    I am not big on the sandwich. I do not hate them, but I too would rather have something else.

    I don’t find this to be weird, and if you would like to feel better, please note that the second biggest “scandal” from my wedding (the first being I didn’t wear shoes) was that my maid of honor had an aneurysm because she SAW a jar of pickles in the church kitchen. The only food she eats is the stuff that I can’t. We make a great pair.

  20. On July 20th, 2008 at 7:58 pm always home and uncool Says:

    Well, Warren Zevon said to “enjoy every sandwich.” Look where that got him. Poor Z.

  21. On July 20th, 2008 at 8:10 pm Jenn Says:

    My BIL (not the perv, a different one) gets the same reaction when he tells people that he doesn’t like ice cream. And, being from Maine, people are always horrified when I say that I cannot stand seafood.

  22. On July 20th, 2008 at 8:24 pm Ms. Moon Says:

    Why should it matter if you don’t like sandwiches? Goodness gracious. It’s not a requirement for being a human being or anything.

  23. On July 20th, 2008 at 8:36 pm kate Says:

    i became a vegetarian so that i could stop the madness surrounding my dislike of seafood. yes, all seafood. yes, even shrimp. yes, even tuna. yes, even lobster. i didn’t/don’t like it. so i thought, okay, become a vegetarian then when people ask you if you like/offer you fish, you can simply say “i’m a vegetarian”.

    guess what? people’s response to “i’m a vegetarian” is “but you don’t eat fish either?”


  24. On July 20th, 2008 at 8:36 pm Susan Says:

    Although there’s hardly anything I WON’T eat, (especially cilantro as it tastes like soap), I would never judge you for not liking sandwiches. As long as you keep writing this blog. Otherwise, I might hunt you down with paninis and subs and grinders and grilled cheeses with pickles, and burgers and oooh, a meatball sandwich slathered with mayo and…

  25. On July 20th, 2008 at 9:14 pm Heather Says:

    Yeah? Well, I hate coke. And diet coke. And sprite, dr. pepper, mountain dew, pepsi, cherry coke, rootbeer, anything with the bubbly — and that includes champagne. How ’bout that?

    I used to also abhor french fries, pizza, and mexican food; sadly I’ve crossed to the dark side on those last three.

  26. On July 20th, 2008 at 9:57 pm Kelly Says:

    I am not a big sandwich fan either, but I hate potatoes. I usually tell people that I’m allergic because the fallout from not liking potatoes is just ridiculous. Saying I’m allergic works until someone sees me eating a french fry.

    They don’t count as real potatoes.

  27. On July 20th, 2008 at 11:56 pm Ann Says:

    I got teased big time when I went to NYC and got a deli sandwich and I couldn’t eat it b/c there was such a gruesome amount of meat b/t two slices of bread it only managed to gross me out. ug. I sorta get it. Now if you say you don’t like pizza I might have to come arrange an intervention. 😉

  28. On July 21st, 2008 at 12:02 am Denise Says:

    We are seriously long lost sisters Becky! I loath sandwiches myself, and I get shit about it all the time.

  29. On July 21st, 2008 at 12:08 am Natalie Says:

    See, now I like sandwiches. But there are lots of things that I do not like to eat. Normal things. And I get the same reactions. “YOU DON’T LIKE ____??” Soda being one of them. I don’t like soda. I rarely rarely ever drink it. This freaks people out for some reason.

  30. On July 21st, 2008 at 8:17 am heather Says:

    I will eat sandwiches, but I can’t profess a dying love for them. I prefer a veggie sandwich, with cheese, and olives, but I never just NEED a sandwich.

    And you know what? Lunch meat IS phony meat. It’s processed. That means, at one point in it’s life, a roll of lunchmeat isn’t SOLID. It’s like……paste? It’s hard to describe the exact consistency unless you’ve seen it. But is is very very very finely ground and spreadable even. And raw of course. It’s combined with fillers sometimes and spices and whatnot, and then cooked. Cooking it solidifies it and then you can slice it. It’s sort of like ground beef. Have you ever just cooked ground beef, and even though it’s obviously been ground into little pieces, when it cooks, if you don’t stir and break it up, it cooks back “together”.

    I’m not making this up either. I wish I were. I used to work at a certain restaurant that serves what they call “roast beef”. And even though they have denied it, I have seen it with my own eyes, because the beef is cooked in the stores by employees, not cooked and then sent there as rolls or loaves of “meat”. We sometimes would play around with it and shape it into things other than the rectangles it came in.

  31. On July 21st, 2008 at 10:43 am PiquantMolly Says:

    I was going to say the same thing as giggleblue — not even grilled cheese?! My heart weeps.

    How ’bout ice cream sandwiches?

  32. On July 21st, 2008 at 10:46 am Kristen Says:

    Go Becky!
    I hate sandwich meat. But I love bread and do like some sandwiches. Especially hot ones. Like salmon melts. yum.
    One thing I hate is paying for a sandwich. I am not going to subway and paying 6 bucks for a sandwich. ick. Or to a restaurant and paying 12 for a stinkin’ sandwich. Sandwiches are simple, make at home things. Not for restaurant eating. ever.

  33. On July 21st, 2008 at 10:53 am Kristine Says:

    I get a similar reaction to not liking hamburgers. Why am I not allowed to not like something? And if I’ve made up my mind to not like it, why can’t I just eat something else?

    I don’t eat a lot of sandwiches either – I have to be in a mood – and I prefer the kind with real turkey after Thanksgiving over any other kind out there…although I never connected the two…hamburgers are just fancy sandwiches.

  34. On July 21st, 2008 at 7:15 pm Lola Says:

    “Lunch meat” is gross, no matter what. I like sandwiches with real chicken and turkey. I love PB&J, and I even likes me some tuna and egg salad. I would never judge you for not liking sandwiches, as that is not my nature. I’m a live and let live kinda gal.

    But puppies?

  35. On July 21st, 2008 at 8:15 pm Edward Says:

    WEll I could really care less if you like sandwiches or not. What I really want to know is “do you really not like puppies?” I need to know this because I don’t like puppies either. They are harder than babies in my opinion and why have a puppy when you can have a baby. Atleast babies get potty trained and eventually take themselves to the bathroom and wipe themselves too. With dogs you have to “let them out” or take them on walks and shit like that.

    Yeah I could kick a dog if it missbehaved and I can’t kick my kid but other than that I don’t see the big hoop la to puppies and dogs.

    Man…Ms. Aunt Becky…YUR the BOMB! I finally found someone that don’t like puppies. Now lets not mention primates cuz I love them. Now they may throw shit and masterbate themselves at the zoo in front of people but they just remind me of babies with a soul. Primates got a soul you know.

    So lets see how many people this pisses off lol! Its true though….its true lol!

  36. On July 22nd, 2008 at 7:19 am gypsygrrl Says:

    oooh ~ to the person who grew up in Maine who doesnt like seafood ~ i hear ya!!! i get the same sh*t because i was born and raised in Maryland… and well, you know…”Maryland is for Crabs” and well… people cant be intelligent, and think “golly-gee…that gypsy doesnt like crabs/shrimp/crabcakes…MORE. FOR. ME!” instead they have to insist i am some kind of freak instead of appreciating the fact that i am not competition for the bushel of crabs they are getting on the way home from work tonight.

    weirdos. all of them.
    aunt becky – i will lovingly volunteer to eat all the BLT’s that you might have, ok?

  37. On July 23rd, 2008 at 1:09 pm STE Says:

    Becky, I love you, anyway.

    I’m not a huge sandwich fan, especially if I have to make it myself, but I do partake every so often.

    Diversity is what makes this great big world of ours so great, and I am prepared to embrace you, despite your sandwich reluctance. I’ll stand with you and be proud!

  38. On July 23rd, 2008 at 5:41 pm heather Says:

    I hate sandwiches, too. HIGH FIVE!

  39. On July 26th, 2008 at 11:59 am apathetic bliss Says:

    I also hate sandwiches….but only because I can’t stand bread. I have been known on many an occasion to disassemble sandwiches and only eat the inside….and on the rare occasions that I may have a burger or hotdog, I always toss out the bun and eat the dog or the burg with a knife and fork. However here in Lotusland, no one looks at you twice if you order a “burger, no bun”. You can even order a burger wrapped in lettuce so you can still eat it with your hands.

  40. On January 29th, 2011 at 2:02 am Kat Says:

    Now I want grilled cheese. Damm you internets!!!!!

  41. On December 2nd, 2013 at 5:29 pm ChocolateAoul Says:

    Its who you are… It would be creepy if everyone were exactly the same. Someone might like pickles on vanilla icecream. No one has the right to judge you. So ignore the people that do judge you.

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