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An Open Letter To Skype

September13

The first time I was asked if I could “Skype,” I believed that I was either being invited into some exclusive club OR being insulted by some bizarre Russian Army; likely the same army that bombards my site with pen1s enlargement pill ads. Imagine my surprise when I learned that you, Skype, were like a phone…ONLY WORSE.

Dutifully, I signed up for you, Skype, because, well, I think I was doing an interview with a cat or something. Or at least, that’s what he sounded like, Skype. If he wasn’t a cat, well, Skype, then you done fucked up.

AGAIN.

(how I feel when I use Skype)

Because for every word I understood, Skype, there were at least twenty I did not. Twenty to one, Skype. Those are particularly disappointing odds, Skype, especially since I can get the same type of blurry reception from my i(can’t)Phone WITHOUT having to sit on my computer, yelling WHAT!? into my screen.

(which, Skype, let’s be honest, is what happens every time I can’t find one of my dancing cactus videos.)

This weekend, Skype, I was counting on you to Do Better. I knew you had it in you, Skype, and yet, there you were, in the middle of my first non-profit board meeting for Band Back Together, five board members chatting through the miracle of the computer. With artificial flickering disco lights. And frozen pictures. And buzzing words.

Skype, you ruined my call.

Possibly, my life.

Don’t make me pull a John C. Mayer on you, Skype. Just. Don’t. You won’t like it, Skype.

Love,

Aunt Becky

P.S. I’m totally pulling a John C. Mayer on you Skype.

posted under Skype or Something Like It

35 Comments to

“An Open Letter To Skype”

On September 13th, 2011 at 10:55 am Jen Says:
I HATE Skype! Hubby is deployed to Iraq and it TOTALLY fucks with us EVERY.DAMN.TIME. I am beginning to think that THE HUBSTER has mutated into a sandy, desert brown colored blob with a voice protocol that is shorting out.
On September 13th, 2011 at 12:07 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
I know, right? I’m pretty sure EVERYONE on Skype is a blob. Skype can kiss my ass.
On September 13th, 2011 at 11:11 am Kathy Miranda Says:
I was fixin’ to warn the idiots at Skype that they’d better step up their game because they’d just unleashed a tiger, but you can’t even communicate with them unless you have an account (which I don’t). Idiots.
On September 13th, 2011 at 12:08 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
Bwahahaha. We can John C Mayer Skype by saying Skype a lot in the comments because clearly Skype is an asshole for making me see blobs when there were people there, RIGHT SKYPE?
On September 13th, 2011 at 11:27 am Alexandra/Empress Says:
I HATE SKYPE.

Everyone talks over everyone b/c they freeze so they repeat over what they said while the other person does the same thing so every other sentence is what what what?

So sorry about this suckage.

I know it was important.
On September 13th, 2011 at 12:09 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
This Skype stuff was so important that I can hardly handle it that Skype dared to consider our Skype call unimportant. How DARE YOU SKYPE?
On September 13th, 2011 at 11:28 am Talkative Taurus Says:
I use it a lot with my sisters, but we don’t use the video part. We just want to be able to hear each other and send stuff instantly like when we are collaborating on projects. I’m sure the video part is horrible.
On September 13th, 2011 at 12:23 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
The video part of Skype blows and while I like the group chat feature on Skype, it’s simply not enough to redeem Skype for me.
On September 13th, 2011 at 11:33 am Tracy Says:
Try ooVoo 🙂
On September 13th, 2011 at 12:29 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
But is ooVoo better than Skype?
On September 13th, 2011 at 11:33 am Illya Kuryakin Says:
Skype – FREE AND WORTH EVERY PENNY!

(Not my line. Someone I Skype with a lot made this key observation)
On September 13th, 2011 at 12:29 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
Bwahahahah! Skype is TOTALLY free and worth every penny. Stupid Skype.
On September 13th, 2011 at 12:07 pm Tracie Says:
I ALWAYS have issues when I try to use Skype. I thought it was just me it hated.

Now that I see it is coming after you and the band, things will have to get serious.
On September 13th, 2011 at 12:29 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
I think we’re going to John C. Mayer Skype. You in?
On September 13th, 2011 at 12:48 pm melanie Says:
what a bummer….. my inlaws Skype with my kids every Sunday night, maybe its a less busy night because we rarely have problems…. hmmm
On September 13th, 2011 at 3:27 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
That’s probably true about Skype. Skype is pretty bogus to me.
On September 13th, 2011 at 1:46 pm starle Says:
I, too hate Skype. Do you want to know why i hate Skype? Because no one i ever want to Skype with, wants to Skype with me. Its always someone who i never call, thinking ‘hey, if i offer to Skype with them, they will talk to me!’ And that is why Skype sux, and i hate Skype
On September 13th, 2011 at 3:28 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
I know exactly why Skype sucks and I’m sorry you have the same problems with Skype that I do. It’s unfortunate how many of us have problems with Skype.
On September 13th, 2011 at 2:14 pm Angie Uncovered Says:
We use Skype at work and thankfully haven’t had any trouble. But like starle, no one ever wants to Skype with me at home. This double sucks because at the end of the day the very last thing I want to do is type. Skype is about as lazy as I can get. I don’t even have to hold a phone. I could just sit on my ass and mindlessly have conversation.
On September 13th, 2011 at 3:36 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
I’d Skype with you any day of the week because Skype is awesome and I love Skype except that was a big fat Skype-sized lie.
On September 13th, 2011 at 2:23 pm Txtingmrdarcy Says:
First, how stinkin cute are you, Aunt Becky?!?! Seriously. Even your Skype picture is adorbs.

Secondly- Skype skypey skype skype skype skype.

Furthermore, Skype.
On September 13th, 2011 at 2:41 pm Joules Says:
The iPad is totally worth the money to never again have to Skype.
On September 13th, 2011 at 2:57 pm Heather @ nobody-but-yourself Says:
You know what else is better than Skype? As in “Free but worth the cost of rainbow-farting unicorns that sneeze glitter” better?

Google+’s “hangout” feature. It has this genius technology that *senses when one person is talking* and then makes that person’s picture big on your screen and shrinks down the rest of you. I’ve used it to successfully video chat INTERNATIONALLY. Well, I mean, it was just to Canada, but still – that’s a DIFFERENT COUNTRY where they speak a different language and all.

I confess that the only time I’ve used Skype is to video chat Skype with my sister in Jersey (I live in NY) and let my kid Skype with her cousins (again, NY-NJ) and that was just one connection. It sucked and not just because the 8 year old and 7 year old kept moving around and jamming their mouths over the camera to show off newly missing teeth and make faces and the like while the 4 year old screamed he wanted to see our cat in the background. It kept freezing and going black and then coming back in and I really don’t think it was the kids’ shenanigans that were breaking the Skype. I think the Skype just sucked all on its own.

So, in conclusion, if you are going to John C. Mayer Skype, I’m in. Also, Google+ kicks Skype in the non-unicorned ass. Hangouts are awesome. Skype Skype Skyyyyyyyyyyyyyyype!!!!
On September 13th, 2011 at 4:16 pm Ewokmama Says:
We totally need that!!! Uh, how do we do it?
On September 13th, 2011 at 4:15 pm Ewokmama Says:
Skype totally gave me a headache on Saturday. I feel like everything took so much longer because we had to repeat ourselves since Skype kept cutting out when more than one person was talking. Skype is definitely not the video conferencing of the future…

I have used Skype to call my sister and it was decent (I mean, for free). Any more than two lines and I think Skype just goes to shit…

It’s hard to trust anything that can easily be turned into SKYPEGOAT.
On September 13th, 2011 at 4:37 pm thepsychobabble Says:
Skype wouldn’t let my husband and I Skype with each other when he was on the road. We tried, but it didn’t matter where he was, Skype kept losing him.
On September 13th, 2011 at 7:41 pm Suniverse Says:
I used Skype for the first time last weekend to talk to my little baby girl away at boarding school and it was great. Once I figured out how to get my video working. And then I had to keep clicking on it because it would freeze. BUT I SAW MY BABY.

XOXOXOXO
On September 13th, 2011 at 9:06 pm steph gas Says:
skype sucks. become an apple whore like i am and FACETIME CHAT with errrrrrvryone. mostly me. on ichat. i video chat with peeps once in a while and it’s good. better than skype.

skype skype skype skype skype.

of course, it might be okay because it’s one on one. maybe the probz start when you have multiple people, like, talking or interacting?

which just reinforces my idea to stay in my house forever and not talk to more than one person at a time. EVER.

skype.
On September 14th, 2011 at 12:56 am Alison Says:
Oh Skype, how I loathe thee! Blurry pictures are the best! I didn’t even figure out my husband shaved his creeper stache after a month of looking super pervy without him pointing it out on Skype b/c his face was too blurry. Lovely. You suck, Skype, you seriously suck.
On September 14th, 2011 at 9:09 am magpie Says:
try a google+ huddle?
On September 14th, 2011 at 9:09 am magpie Says:
i meant, hangout – a google+ hangout.
On September 14th, 2011 at 4:37 pm Cassie Says:
I tried to Skype for the first time a couple of weeks ago, it was horrible!!! It kept cutting us off, jittering, fuzzy picture. Just horrible. I’ve heard oovoo (?), I’ll be trying that one next.
On September 16th, 2011 at 11:09 pm Working Mommy Says:
sorry…I couldn’t **** you…I think you need to **** into the ****** or something…maybe?!

wm
On September 18th, 2011 at 2:47 pm MissHannah Says:
ah, crap, I just got sent a webcam from my FIl co she wants us to Skype, with the kids, because “gran woudl like to skype” with the kids, well I don’t understadn the Skype, I don’t know how to Skype, I have no desire to skype and to be perfectly honestly skyping somene sounds like something a mafia guy would do or like defrauding someone as in “he totally skyped me out of twenty quid at teh bar when her ducked out his round, teh skyping bar steward”.

What IS skype, ayway? SHould I skype? Will my life be more fulfilled if I skype? Will I get a glittery unicorn and a cat with lasers if I skype? hey, i wanna SKYPE!

bored of skype now.
On September 18th, 2011 at 4:21 pm Margaret (@goodbadfamily) Says:
I don’t understadn the big fuss about Skyp. I’ve used it once and it was CraYp. I have used AIM for years and it works waaaaaay better than the Skyp. Shit. Did I just date myself by admitting I use AOL? Anyhew, peer pressure is a bitch sometimes and Skyp is the head cheerleader of online video chat.

Margaret (@goodbadfamily)