Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

An Open Letter To Security Goon 1


Security Goon 1 –

While you don’t know me from a hole in the ground, I know you.

security goon 1

Okay, that’s a lie, I don’t actually know who you are or how you got such a lilting and magnificent name, but I’d like to.

I remember the day we met, if only vaguely — I was suffering from the flu AND malnutrition (turns out my pesky fridge was right — you should eat more than twice in four months), and the only thing that kept me company during those shaky, feverish moments in which I sat on my couch, trying not to die, was CSI: Miami. I’d never watched the show because I kept mixing up David Caruso and David Carradine, which naturally led me to think about autoerotic asphyxiation* and then I had to scrub out my brain with bleach.

But the flu meant that I was holed up on the couch, moaning near the cats and trying to focus on not dying while I watched the 837147 episodes of CSI: Miami that Netflix has thoughtfully provided me.

(Dear Netflix, I miss Hoarders)

See, Security Goon 1, I don’t exactly know who you are or what you looked like, I only know your name. A name that leads to more questions than answers: Did your mother name you Security Goon 1? I mean, I used to work L/D, which meant that I once met a baby someone had named (I shit you not, Security Goon 1) “Chandelier,” because, the mother claimed “it sounded fancy.” Now, I speak fancy-talk, Security Goon 1, but can’t say that “Security Goon 1” or “Chandelier” is fancy-talk lexicon.

Who looks at a baby and says, “We shall call him, Security Goon 1.” It’s like naming a baby Marge – who can look at an adorable baby and see a 40-year old cartoon character? Answer: not me. Then again, Security Goon 1, I wanted to name my son “Cash” so I suppose I should shut my whore mouth.

While I will never know your face, nor will you know mine, Security Goon 1, I wanted to thank you. I’ve been wallowing in some pretty ugly muck lately and try as I might to shake it off and keep on keepin’ on, it’s not always so simple, now is it, Security Goon 1. In fact, it’s been a pretty low point in my life. But seeing your name there on my television screen gave me the first real laugh I’ve had in ages.

You reminded me, Security Goon 1, that life isn’t always such serious business; that there are absurdities in everyday life, if we look hard enough. That we should hold onto the things that bring us joy and let those lift us up when we’re at our lowest. That absurd reminder, Security Goon 1, is something I owe you a debt of gratitude for. In all the events of the past few months, I’d lost that sparkle, that joy, and the simple reminder that life isn’t so damn serious, well, I needed that.

So thank you, Security Goon 1 (the “1” I added to make you sound kickier, by the by), for reminding me to look for the absurdities in life.

Love Always,

Aunt Becky

*really should have something more to do with cars #justsayin

P.S. Mark Zuckerberg has a crush on you, Security Goon 1:

security goon 1

P.P.S. New post up here.

3 Comments to

“An Open Letter To Security Goon 1”

  1. On November 28th, 2012 at 12:24 pm Aunt Becky (@mommywantsvodka) Says:

    An Open Letter To Security Goon 1

  2. On November 28th, 2012 at 1:47 pm Cindy DuBois Says:

    Ya need another absurdity laugh? Think of all the fun you could have if you lived in Sulpher Springs, Texas. I mean visit. No one really wants to live there.

  3. On November 28th, 2012 at 9:34 pm Becca Says:

    I don’t watch that show, but there are so many things out there that make me laugh like this. I’m glad the flu hasn’t completely kicked you down, hugs and love. 🙂

Email will not be published

Website example

Your Comment:

My site was nominated for Best Humor Blog!
My site was nominated for Hottest Mommy Blogger!
Back By Popular Demand...