Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

An Illicit Affair


The most HILARIOUS email exchange I have ever had the pleasure of joining in:


Seeing that our significant others will be accompanying each other on a
pedal-filled rendezvous this evening, I hear (through an astonishingly
tall, brown-haired, Italian grapevine) that you had an idea to counter this.

So you say that you and I should hang out tonight to balance the
universal scales? So be it.

Give me the info: will you be in the city tonight, and if so what time?

Don’t feel that we have to get together tonight. We can pull this card out any time:
‘œBut you went out biking with Barb/Dave! That totally gave us license to have a torrid, passion-filled love affair at a hastily reserved motel that rents out by the hour!’

They will have no choice but to agree. And so our master plan gathers momentum.



And my reply:


My love, my life, my only true one’¦ Of course there will be a
passion-filled evening (well, okay, 30 minutes'”but it’ll be a HOTT 30
minutes) at a roadside motel so long as I may indulge my craving for Spicy
Red-Hott Cheetos at the same time’¦so burn-ey, so good-ey.

I will be in Oak No-Park this fine evening and am looking for a swarthy,
hair-covered manly man to fufill my deepest desire'”to rub petrolium jelly
all over my naked body and slip-and-slide across the hardwood floors of
Dave’s apartment. Butt naked.

I will be available sometime after 8:00 this beautiful nippley spring day,
so that we may consumate the hardwood floor with our glistening bodies.

God, I need to write romance novels.

I will call you this evening in preparation'” we’re gonna need.

*10-12 lbs cotton balls (the blue-colored ones ONLY)
*4-5 rooms Vitamin D milk
*Osco (possibly Savon) brand petroleum jelly- 50-60 kgs
*A socket set (silver)
*5 gallon jug of Crisco (NO SUBSTITUTIONS)

And so the master plan is set in motion’¦


And his:

My love, my joy, my sweet ecstacy’¦

Firstly, I was thinking along the lines of twenty-five minutes of HOTT
LOVIN, but for you I try and hold on for those last five minutes.

Your list of supplies, while a good start, is missing a few standbys:

-An unopened package of Depends undergarments (we will place this on a stool
in the corner and continually laugh at it, for they are diapers’¦for
-A 40 pound bucket of orange juice concentrate (because, as we all know,
orange juice is very, very healthy)
-Two sharpened broadswords (the huns are coming and they’ll be taken off
guard when we unleash the might of our weapons)
-A Prince CD (preferably Purple Rain, but the Batman sountrack will do’¦I
-Anal Cum Leakage (My favorite porn about men who can’t stop cumming’¦and
the women who wouldn’t have it any other way!)
-A soccer ball full of banana cream (Because, obviously)
-the spare tire from a 1981 Dodge Pinto (Guess where this is going to go. No
really, guess.)

I also think that we should send out an e-mail to invite a chosen few to
watch. We should entitle it: ‘œYou’re invited to cum to our orgy!’ Look but
don’t touch.



18 Comments to

“An Illicit Affair”

  1. On April 24th, 2008 at 8:52 pm Heather P. Says:

    I really hate to tell you this, BUT the Pinto was made by Ford. However it was designed by Lee Iacocca who later went to be the head of Chrysler.
    Can’t wait to find out what the soccer ball full of banana cream is for!
    Have Fun!

  2. On April 24th, 2008 at 10:57 pm TSM Says:

    I wrote that exact same letter the other day. Didn’t quite get the same response. I must have forgotten the cotton balls. *shrug*

  3. On April 24th, 2008 at 10:18 pm Lindz Says:

    what the hell is the socket set for? hmm..

  4. On April 24th, 2008 at 10:25 pm Karen Says:

    First of all….nice new layout. Second, funny stuff.

  5. On April 25th, 2008 at 6:35 am magpie Says:

    LOL – I don’t know what I like best – the scrolling kittens, the liver quote, or the content of this post.

  6. On April 25th, 2008 at 6:57 am Ames Says:

    Loving the new layout! And I too was wondering what the socket set was all about 😉

  7. On April 25th, 2008 at 7:34 am kim Says:

    the new layout rocks. My liver is evil also, thus the whiskey….lots o whiskey.

    the kittens….can’t even tell you how delighted to see this I am.

    the post, just hysterical. You DO run with a good crowd.

  8. On April 25th, 2008 at 7:55 am As American as Apple Pie Says:

    The kittens and the Ugly dolls KILLED ME! I dig the new layout. Funny topic, that masterbation. Check out Doc’s post this morning…seems to be a theme.

  9. On April 25th, 2008 at 9:02 am DOC Says:

    I had no idea you had seen the porn movie I starred in… *blush*

  10. On April 25th, 2008 at 9:16 am Chris Says:

    Aunt Becky,

    This is just too much for a Friday. First the Spring Theme Theme, then the kittens, and last the e-mail. I am so confused. I don’t know if I should laugh or get excited.

    You’ve outdone yourself on this one. Wait I shouldn’t say that because you’ll take this as a dare…LOL

  11. On April 25th, 2008 at 9:19 am kbreints Says:

    AHH! You gotta warn a gal before changing it up like this! Looks good!

  12. On April 25th, 2008 at 10:04 am g Says:

    I am damaged forever by the ACLeakage information.

  13. On April 25th, 2008 at 10:29 am Sparklykatt Says:

    Please, please, please…can I cum??? Err…I mean come…or..or..maybe I do mean cum…

  14. On April 25th, 2008 at 10:52 am b Says:

    Eating red hot Cheetos during your love play sounds painful. Why don’t you just slather some BenGay on his private parts (or yours)..I mean if you’re into that..or something…

  15. On April 25th, 2008 at 11:13 am Milk Maid Says:

    I am laughing so hard I need to be borrowing those depends! Maybe I can sit on the stool and you two can rollick about and laugh at me. I think that very same thing was in Hustler Taboo last month 😉

  16. On April 26th, 2008 at 9:44 pm Dr. Grumbles Says:

    Hope the hardwood floors don’t give splinters!

  17. On April 26th, 2008 at 10:12 pm honeywine Says:

    So you’ve met my brothers or at least found their wish list. lol

  18. On April 27th, 2008 at 9:12 pm kate Says:


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