Mommy Wants Vodka

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An Epic Christmas, At Last


I’m a big fan of Christmas. If I could find one of those Number One fingers and write “FOR CHRISTMAS,” on it, I would. THAT is how much I love Christmas.

Sure, it’s going to be weird this year. Got some familial drama that I cannot (apparently) speak of here, that’s got me a wee bit nervous, but I push on through.

I still get all misty-eyed when I see decorations up, and there’s frankly nothing like a good version of “Blue Christmas” to get me solidly in the mood for some festive motherfucking cheer.

You think I’m being sarcastic, but I’m not.

I’m old now. I may get tearful whenever my Christmas tree is turned on (bear in mind it’s been up since LAST Christmas, which reminds me of that awful Wham! song, which is NOT something that makes Baby Jesus OR Your Aunt Becky smile), and I may wrap each present happily, open each Christmas card guiltily, but you know what?

I can never think of anything I want for Christmas.

Now I know what you’re saying, “Aunt Becky, Christmas – and Trix – are for kids. You don’t need any presents.”

And, o! Pranksters, my Pranksters, you would, indeed be correct. It’s a lean Christmas here at Casa de la Vodka, but the kids, well, they still have a butt-ton of small gifts to open. According to The Twitter, whom I trust implicitly, kids under ten prefer a fuck-ton of small things rather than one big present. So I have a ridiculous amount of tiny PlayDoh things to wrap.


When I’m asked, “Hey, what do you want for Christmas?” my mind goes blank. Don’t mistake me, I’m not one of those people who are all *waves hands dismissively* “Oh, give my gift to charity,” because, well, I like presents. A lot.

Problem is, I never know what the fuckballs I want. When asked, that is. It’s like my mind, normally filled with pictures of ponies and/or unicorns on roller skates, immediately empties and I’m stuck muttering the first few things that come out:

“Barbie Dream House.”

“Ball pit.”

“Shark pit.”

“Shark on Roller Skates.”

And the asker is left quizzically scratching his or her befuddled head, wondering if I have, at last, gone off my rocker.

Since I already HAVE a pony on Roller Skates:

I no longer need one.

Nor do I need anything else that I can think of on command. I tried, the other day, to create an Amazon wish-list. All the cool bloggers are doing it, so I figured THAT would be a great place to point family members to buy gifts for me.


I have two things on it.



Apparently, I suck at life AND picking out gifts for myself.

But this morning, the heavens opened up and smiled down upon me. A good friend, who shall remain nameless because, well, I do not have a proper email address or name to thank this wonderful friend, sent me something. Something so incredible that I may never stop weeping with joy.

Something I want, nay NEED, for Christmas.

Behold, my Pranksters, and share in my joy.

If you think the 3-Wolf Moon PJ’s aren’t awesome enough, just read the description:

Pranksters! I can take a SHIT while wearing these glorious rags! These PJ’s come with a SHIT DOOR!

Frankly, I do not think that, once I own these, I will ever, EVER need to own another item of clothing in my life.

So WHAT if I find adult footie pajamas to be creepy? So what if I cannot imagine sleeping with cuffs around my feet again? I CAN TAKE A SHIT WHILE WEARING THEM.


And *shakes fist at sky dramatically* they WILL BE MINE.

posted under Aunt Becky Has VD
27 Comments to

“An Epic Christmas, At Last”

  1. On December 19th, 2011 at 11:18 am Shannon Says:

    Ewww…but your feet will sweat while wearing them!

  2. On December 19th, 2011 at 11:20 am Brandon Says:

    I think this should be the golden standard when shopping for Christmas gifts.

    “Did it pass the shit test?”

    It would make gift cards obsolete!

    And it’s cooler than an “I’m With The Band” snuggie (though not by a lot)…

  3. On December 19th, 2011 at 11:31 am Tegan Says:

    Holy crap! When I sent you that link I thought you’d get a kick out of it. I didn’t think you’d make a post out of it!

  4. On December 19th, 2011 at 11:59 am chrisinphx Says:

    Beware of the suprise butt sex attacks that could happen if that flap is a little loosey goosey

  5. On December 19th, 2011 at 1:36 pm Amelia Says:

    OMG! I just spit my drink all over my computer! This was AMAZING!

  6. On December 19th, 2011 at 12:05 pm Mary Poppins in Heels Says:

    I was absolutely loving this post more than anything until I read Shannon’s comment: they make your feet sweat…!!! That’s a fucking riot! They have a shit door, but they’re icky because YOUR FEET SWEAT!!!???!!! Shannon, you’re too, too funny! I love it!

    And I can really relate to not being permitted to discuss bullshit family drama on your own blog. Very fucked up and, though I, too, comply with the edicts of those above me, I have to wonder if it isn’t a better idea to just lay the fuckers out and set a new heirarchy. And I wonder about this often.

    Merry Christmas and Happy Family Bullshit!

  7. On December 19th, 2011 at 12:32 pm Jmomma Says:

    I couldn’t help it – I peeked at my Amazon wishlist to see what hubby ordered me. What can I say? I’m dishonest. I have a pair of Emo Skull footie jams coming from Pajama City. Woohoo! I couldn’t be more excited! But then, I hadn’t really thought about the possiblity of surprise butt-sex attacks before now..

  8. On December 19th, 2011 at 12:40 pm Cindy Says:

    as horrific as adult onesies are, this is epically full of the awesome!

  9. On December 19th, 2011 at 1:02 pm heydave Says:

    What, no hood?

  10. On December 19th, 2011 at 1:43 pm Teala Says:

    I just laughed hysterically at this. In a quiet office. Oh, AB, my favoritest auntie, I love thee. You should tell everyone that’s what you want for Christmas. That way you’ll have a bunch of them. 😀

  11. On December 19th, 2011 at 1:57 pm Samantha Says:

    HAHA my mom just got me and my sister matching blue ones for Hanukkah! I mocked the commercials but when I put it on it was like a warm hug … plus unzipping the butt flap on my sister’s while walking behind her was priceless!

  12. On December 19th, 2011 at 2:03 pm Steve Bailey Says:

    Yikes!!! The actual fall away bottom cause going to the bathroom is somehow already to time consuming!!!!! Ya that makes about sense. Now putting it on my christmas list. Thanks for the tip from me…. but probably not my girlfriend!

  13. On December 19th, 2011 at 2:04 pm Amy Says:

    Seriously all I can picture is the drop seat flap hanging into the poo water.

  14. On December 19th, 2011 at 2:38 pm Erin K Says:

    I am honored that the picture I sent you made it into your blog, AB.

  15. On December 19th, 2011 at 3:19 pm Tegan Says:

    Funny…..we must have BOTH sent her the link this morning.

  16. On December 19th, 2011 at 4:25 pm AmyBlam Says:

    I love footie pjs. Mainly because I am lazy and can never find socks. It’s super hard to find the ones with the butt-flap which is a MUST because otherwise you have to undress your top half to pee OR shit and your boobs get super cold.

  17. On December 21st, 2011 at 2:34 pm La Printemp Says:

    Yes! And if I’m wearing pjs at all, wouldn’t I want socks, too? If my feet are sweating, the rest of me would be possitively Roasting and I’d be in shorts, anyway.

    I want some with monkeys on them!

    And yes, what ABOUT a hood?

  18. On December 19th, 2011 at 4:40 pm Catherine Says:

    Those are the bomb…and you can drop one. But I do enjoy Annoying orange on the pony as a second option. It’s his lips, they are uh wierd but very funny

    You and your family have a motherfucking fantastic Christmas!

  19. On December 19th, 2011 at 5:04 pm Mayor Gia Says:

    Hhahaha. Not sure I get the appeal of footie pjs (i do think sweaty feet would be an issue….) but I hope you get em!

  20. On December 19th, 2011 at 8:08 pm alaina Says:

    i wonder if you can still return them before the 90 days if you use the drop seat back when nature calls. Think about it.

  21. On December 19th, 2011 at 10:00 pm Brittany Stewart Says:

    i LOVE that all these comments are somehow related to the dropseat. Possibly the best part of those pjs. !
    I want a pair.

    I also have nothing to ask for. I go for ‘housewife things’ such as kitchen essentials etc. Eck.
    Gift cards and wine are just about at the top of my list… but apparently no one wants to buy those things.. Come on people.. Mothers Need their drinks.. am I right?

  22. On December 21st, 2011 at 2:38 pm La Printemp Says:

    Seriously, do what I do. Amazon isn’t great for this, I just send an email with a list of links:

    Etsy! It’s awesome! I type in my fave thing (monkies, ginkgo leaves, etc…) and up comes all sorts of items! Jewelry, clothing, accessories, home decor, etc… it’s such a good way to find stuff you’ll love. And the prices range from super cheap to super pricey, so it’ll fit anyone’s budget!

  23. On December 20th, 2011 at 7:58 am Catherine Says:

    These are awesome! And I for one see nothing wrong with footie pajamas. Have you ever even tried them on? They are so comfortable! I had my hubby buy me some cookie monster ones for Christmas. No lie. There’s no waist to dig into my waist! Awesome. No back flap though. I should have held out for that. Oh well. 🙂

  24. On December 20th, 2011 at 8:48 am Kate Says:

    Ok, so they’re not 3 wolf moon patterned but these are like footie pjs without the feet (including the shit door).

  25. On December 20th, 2011 at 5:24 pm Marta Says:

    I too love the Christmas. I however can always think of an excess amount of things that I want like: One Ryan Gosling, two sets of pink numchucks, three pounds of bacon, four seasons of Breaking Bad, five million dollars, six diamond rings, seven maids a cleaning, eight cooks a cooking, nine stylists a styling, ten magic weight loss pills, eleven job offers, and twelve masseuses a rubbing.

    Now, that would be a good Christmas.

  26. On December 23rd, 2011 at 7:40 am Beki Says:

    I have the exact same problem every year. So, next year I’m going to make a WANT tag for my eljay (because I’m still too cool to leave it). When I see something completely awesome (like this: ) I will file it there.

  27. On January 2nd, 2012 at 5:46 am Mary L Says:

    I actually asked (well…begged is more like it) for these for Christmas and DIDN’T GET THEM! Guess who’s shopping for herself next year?!!

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