Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

An Aunt Becky Impersonator Walks Into A Gas Station…


I was in the gas station a couple of weeks ago, purchasing something or another that required ID to prove that I wasn’t under 18. A lighter? A Lotto Ticket? I don’t exactly recall. I do recall this, however.

Straight-Faced Lady Behind The Counter: “Can I see some ID?”

Me: “Sure!”

(rifles through bag)

Me: “Here!”

Lady Behind The Counter: (inspects the ID thoroughly for a good minute or five)

Me: (confused) “…”

(aside: I am not ALWAYS confused. Just normally).

Sea-Hag Lady Behind The Counter (suspiciously): “Your license is EXPIRED.”

Me: “Uh, no it’s not.”

Lady With A Face Like A Melting Candle Behind The Counter: “YES IT IS.”

Me: “Turn it over.”

(in Illinois, safe drivers get a sticker to put on the back of their cards to renew it) (we all know I’m Captain Motherfucking Safety)

Sea Hag (even more suspiciously): “Well, the picture doesn’t look ANYTHING like you.”

Me: “Okay. Since when do license pictures EVER look like you? In my last one, I looked like a dude.”

Sea Hag (tries to stare me down): “Is this REALLY you?”

Me (OMFG): “YES. Like I would pretend to be a thirty-year old to get a lighter.”

Grumbling, she did ring me up, her eyes wide once I whipped out my Big Girl Credit Card.

I walked out of there, giggling. Who would voluntarily PRETEND to be me?

As IF.


Now is the time on the blog when we LINK!

My friend wrote the most amazing story about Amelia. I’d love it if you gave it a peek. (she made me cry)(I love her for it)

I wrote on CafeMom about being excluded from the Mommy Clique.

And again about Barely Surviving The Plague.

We’ve had a series of amazing posts up on Band Back Together. You guys are all welcome to post there and on Mushroom Printing. Seriously, we’d love to have you.

32 Comments to

“An Aunt Becky Impersonator Walks Into A Gas Station…”

  1. On April 28th, 2011 at 10:25 am Nicole Welkener Says:

    Do we shop for lighters at the same gas station? Cuz I’m purrrrty sure I have the same Sea Hag working on mine.

  2. On April 28th, 2011 at 10:52 am Raphael Corzo Says:


  3. On April 28th, 2011 at 10:54 am Says:

    Wow… what a twat.

    I’m sorry lady. I know you have a shitty job with shitty pay, but that doesn’t mean you have the right to be a d-bag to your customers.

    Next time, punch her in the boob. Just because.

  4. On April 28th, 2011 at 10:56 am andy Says:

    Dang, I have NEVER been carded, for anything! Even when I was 13 and buying a 40 ouncer of rum! Of course I was a 5 foot 8 inch 13 year old who needed a double DD bra…. I rarely got eye contact!!

  5. On April 28th, 2011 at 11:03 am Rebecca Says:

    Reminds me of the time I was on an airplane headed to Los Angeles and I just so happened to be sitting in a window seat and the flight attendant leaned over near me and said in a voice only reserved for toddlers, “Excuese me honey but to sit in an emergency exit seat, you need to be at least thriteen. Please come with me”

    I was somewhere near twenty three years old!!! Of course this still thrills me because….well, I only looked thirteen!

  6. On April 28th, 2011 at 11:17 am Momma Chaos Says:

    I might totally try to impersonate you but as I’m well above the legal age limit for basically anything, I’m fairly certain I wouldn’t be carded & therefore wouldn’t be questioned in my impersonation! Ha!

    And I had no idea they carded for lighters.. Really??

  7. On April 28th, 2011 at 11:23 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    It was something innocuous like that. I wasn’t buying beer. Or vodka.

  8. On April 28th, 2011 at 11:37 am Ms Dreamer Says:

    I’d so pretend to be you, Bex. You’re my motherfucking hero – I dress up as heroes (and not the sandwiches) any chance I can!

    Gotta love the shiny silver sticker…I kinda feel bad for a checker in Illinois who’s never seen one. I got the “your license expired last year; I can’t sell you beer” even after I turned the license over and explained what it was. Had to go to a different gas station because the checker was balls out refusing to sell me beer. Dumbass.

  9. On April 28th, 2011 at 11:50 am MommyLisa Says:

    I got carded buying lottery ticket once.

  10. On April 28th, 2011 at 11:55 am runmommyrun Says:

    Nice. It is sad but at 34 when I walk into a store I HOPE to get carded, but not like that. Hopefully I am being carded by a cute guy, not Ursula. Wow. I feel so old. Things sure have changed since my mom would send me across a main road to the local convenience store to buy her a pack of cigarrettes. Nothing like a 9 year old saying “I’ll take a pack of Now 100s, please” Fun times.

  11. On April 28th, 2011 at 11:59 am The Mommy Says:

    I got carded once buying cigarettes for my mother-in-law when she lived with us (about 6 or 7 years ago, so I was WELL over 30).

    We live in a college town so every time there’s a new employee at the liquor store they card me. This just makes me smile. A LOT. Because I’m OLD, dude.

  12. On April 28th, 2011 at 12:45 pm SoberJulie Says:

    Last time someone asked me for ID I almost jumped the counter to give the kid a kiss. Instead I offered to take him out for dinner and hubby told me I was lookin a bit like a pedofile (meant in no way to diminish the damage pedophilia causes, just hubby’s words 😉

  13. On April 28th, 2011 at 12:55 pm Deanna Says:

    My insurance agent asked me the other day if I wanted to buy fraud insurance in case someone stole my identity. My response was “who the hell would want to be me?”

  14. On April 28th, 2011 at 1:06 pm Megaboo Says:

    There is a lady at the gas station by my house who refuses to sell me cigarettes if I go in rockin the mommy look. Apparently I don’t look like myself. Durr! lady I have a 5 month old trust me, I would love to look like myself again. It still gets to me though, I remember being 15 and not getting carded for 40 ouncers. Lost weight now I look like I’m 14. When young teenagers go ga ga over my son they think he is my brother. And they don’t believe how old I am. I sure hope it will be more of a compliment to look very young when I am 40. Now it’s just really annoying. Seriously? I have to get dressed up to go to the gas station?

  15. On April 28th, 2011 at 1:46 pm Kristin Says:

    It’s been a long time since I’ve gotten carded. That is funny.

  16. On April 28th, 2011 at 2:02 pm Kristin (MamaKK922) Says:

    My thoughts exactly who wants to be me? I had a lady a bakery fight with me that my license wasn’t me. So apparently cake buying is dangerous business, I used my credit card sure, and she wanted to check to see if the names and signatures matched they did. But she insisted the picture wasn’t me because I cut my hair THAT apparently is illegal!

  17. On April 28th, 2011 at 2:03 pm ThePeds Says:

    My last drivers license had me with my mohawk and Betty Paige bangs with black hair, now I’m rocking the professional shaggy dirty blonde chin length hair. People never looked at it funny unless they wanted to comment on how much “better” or “normal” or “nicer” I look without the hawk. lame-o. I miss being scary in person instead of on plastic.

  18. On April 28th, 2011 at 2:20 pm Dr. Cynicism Says:

    Oh Sea-Hag… how we love you so. Her small amount of power got to her head.

  19. On April 28th, 2011 at 3:05 pm Brooke Says:

    You should go back with a fake ID that is a dark skinned man. Just to fuck with her. 😉 And INSIST that it’s you! For a lighter. Or Sudafed! Damn meth heads messed that one up for all of us afflicted with allergies.

  20. On April 28th, 2011 at 3:57 pm Misfit Mommy Says:

    You paid for a LIGHTER with a CREDIT CARD?

  21. On April 28th, 2011 at 5:41 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    What the hell would you suggest I pay for it with? Who carries cash anymore?

  22. On April 28th, 2011 at 6:53 pm Walkingborder (Karen) Says:

    Better than a check. I’ve had people write checks for orders that came to under 5$. I mean, seriously? You’re buying a pop. It’s a buck fifty. Why are you writing a check?

  23. On April 28th, 2011 at 4:27 pm Leann Says:

    I’ve been carded while buying a rated R movie at Wal-Mart. I’m 27.
    Seriously, trolly the checker? The movie has suggestive sexual content and profane language so I have to be carded? That describes my daily work atmosphere. A little blue vests does not mean you get to judge my taste in movies.

  24. On April 28th, 2011 at 7:25 pm Suniverse Says:

    Didn’t you have your Shut Your Whore Mouth shirt on? Because then it would totally look like you.

  25. On April 28th, 2011 at 9:10 pm Stacey Says:

    I have been carded for buying movie tickets, R-rated DVDs, alcohol, and cough syrup. I was nearly carded on a casino floor (wasn’t even gambling). I’ve been given the children’s menu at Friendly’s. I’m THIRTY.

  26. On April 28th, 2011 at 11:21 pm Veronica Says:

    I’ve never had that issue when trying to buy something requiring ID, but GOD HELP YOU if you try and buy children’s panadol (tylanol) at the local pharmacy. “Did your doctor say you could buy this? How old is your child? Do you know how to administer a dose? What do they need it for? Are you sure it’s for your child?” until I’m all twitchy and stuff.

    And I KNOW that it’s because “won’t somebody please, think of the children” but maybe I just need panadol to replace the bottle my son went through when he had the flu and I really don’t want to be out of children’s panadol when someone spikes a fever at 2am.

    I think if they could, they would ask for ID and write our names down, like they do for people buying cough medicine.

  27. On April 28th, 2011 at 11:23 pm Veronica Says:

    Also I think your blog just ate my comment. Maybe it’s hungry.

  28. On April 29th, 2011 at 12:14 am SarahT Says:

    It has now been some years since I was carded, but when I was in my mid-20s I had a summer job working for a cabaret/theater type thing. We were a bit of a drive from town proper, and so one day as I was going to buy some shampoo and other drugstore-type things, I asked if anyone needed anything. The current show featured a cigar-twirling character, and so I was asked to pick up a package of a particular brand of cigars while I was out.

    The drugstore REFUSED to sell me cigars because my ID was out of state. This was a summer tourist destination. The clerk wanted to see some other photo ID. Um, yeah, I always bring my passport to the drugstore.

  29. On April 29th, 2011 at 1:08 am Tracie Says:

    I got carded the last time I bought some super glue, and the woman stared at me all suspiciously and asked me why I needed it. It was weird.

  30. On April 29th, 2011 at 10:28 am Josefina Says:

    Humph. She sounds like a really intense gas station clerk.

    In my driver’s license photo I look like that eagle from the Muppets, but I must look like that in real life, too, because there’s never been any issue.

  31. On April 29th, 2011 at 11:11 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    She took her job SERIOUSLY, yo.

  32. On April 30th, 2011 at 9:58 am andygirl Says:

    hah! I change my hair so much I don’t look like any of my IDs. I’m surprised any of them ever work.

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