Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

A Post In Miniature


Thank you to everyone who complimented my site design! It was done by a special ickle guy I call “The Daver.” Honestly, it was a template that he set up for me, not a design I paid someone for. I’m not opposed to that, and Dave swears that he can do it for me, but I am not smart enough to know WHAT I’d like to do with it. I have no mental picture about what would be flippin’ sweet, so I go with pre-made templates.

That may have been the most boring paragraph I have ever typed. Well, aside from when I had to write research papers on research methods. That was far more boring, as I’m sure you can imagine.


What the fcuk is the deal with the whole Hannah Montana thing? I saw what’s-her-face on Idol Gives Back, but I just didn’t quite get the appeal. It’s not as bad as the Bratz dolls or anything equally hootchie, but I don’t see why kids go insane for her.

Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Anyone?


All last week I’d been looking forward to getting down and dirrrty in my garden over the weekend when I have another parent to watch the wee one, lest he climb into a bees nest or something thinking that it was A Ball! In typical form, it was either rainy or cold both days.

And it’s supposed to freeze tonight.


I am so totally moving somewhere else.


The Mommy Wants Vodka request line is open and ready for business.

Want me to tell you the story of…something? Give me a holler and I’ll do what I can. The only stipulation is that it has to be the story of something that actually happened, not some elaborate fantasy. My fantasy story would involve lots of prescription pills and naps. Not very exciting stuff, indeed.


Is the prospect of taking 2 kids to Disney World while The Daver is in meetings all day totally brilliant or totally stupid? Oh, those 2 kids are MY 2 kids, not random kids.

Anyone want to come with and help?


All of you lurkers who have come out from the shadows and said ‘Howdy’ to me have totally made my week. You people rock.


After a couple month hiatus from The Diet, I am back on the wagon and hungry as hell. Without those 10 extra nursing points, I’m damn hungry. Suddenly all of the foods that I cannot eat sound positively lovely because, well, I can’t eat them anymore. I’ve got about 20 lbs to lose before October, when my best friend gets married (Hi Ashley! Want to bring some stuff over for me to take to the Salvation Army? I could use a good pee-stained mattress or some cans of paint! It would make my garage sexy!).

Before you tell me that I can DO IT! Let me remind you that my thyroid hates me with a vengeance and would prefer that I were about 10 pounds overweight at all points in time. It’s like an insecure lover, trying to fatten me up to keep me all to itself.

I’m gonna try, but I can’t promise that I will be able to do it. Sorry, Ashley, I may be your pudgy bridesmaid after all. I’ll try to get some acne in the meantime so I’ll be the ugliest bridesmaid ever. You’ll be apologizing for me for YEARS to come!


After making a huge fuss over how stupid I thought Twitter was, I’m considering signing up. It will either be a glorious mistake or a great idea.

What do you think of Twitter?


I hate rainy days.

34 Comments to

“A Post In Miniature”

  1. On April 28th, 2008 at 10:41 am Ashley Says:

    Are you kidding??? I would LOVE for you to have acne. Then I won’t be the only one!! And since you and Candy are standing closest to me, I would extra love if you’d both let me slather you with bacon grease so you can have more than just acne, BACKNE!!

    And you CAN do it. Although I am feeling equally discouraged as I was sooo good last week and went to the gym 3 whole times and am only down .5 this week. big sigh…

  2. On April 28th, 2008 at 10:48 am Heather Says:

    okay, i always read in my google reader, so it’s a good thing you pointed out a design change or i would have been totally left out.

    i love the new look!

  3. On April 28th, 2008 at 10:55 am andria Says:

    When are you considering Disney? We are trying to set something up for late June during Star Wars Days. Because, you know, I haven’t been punished enough. If we go at the same time, we can find a bar on site and the husband can hang with FIVE kids so he can totally see that bitching about one THREE is not cool.

    And Hannah Montana was all nekkid in Vanity Fair. Or vogue, or one of them. Not so squeaky clean now. My four year old neice is all into her and I just wonder how the hell she knows who she is. My kids are still on Noggin.

  4. On April 28th, 2008 at 10:57 am g Says:

    Uh, your two kids… maybe not. But if you do, we would have lots of fun stories to read. Yah, yah do it!

    I sent you an email this morning about that weightloss thing, get out of my head!

    I signed up for Twitter for about 30 seconds and unsigned right after. Too teeny bopperish for me.

    Story… hmm I would like a story involving one of your most embarassing moments.

    kk thx bai

  5. On April 28th, 2008 at 11:03 am Anjali Says:

    I’m with you on the whole Hannah Montana thing. Who the hell IS this girl?

  6. On April 28th, 2008 at 11:14 am bri Says:

    Have I mentioned my white hot passion for the Disneyworld?
    You payin’?

    I am liking twitter ok but it might be more fun if more of us did it.

  7. On April 28th, 2008 at 11:19 am Manny Says:

    What the heck is Twitter, anyway. I fear and avoid anything new and fancy. Twitter sounds new and fancy, so I will both fear and avoid it until someone explains it to me with pop ups and a pie chart.

    In related news, I slew many a kitten this weekend.

  8. On April 28th, 2008 at 11:48 am Denise Says:

    LOVE the new design! It’s LOL for sure.

    Hey, spot me an email if you want to talk Disney. When are you looking to go? Not sure if you still have my email or not, so I’ll pop you a quick one. I love WDW so much that I started working as a TA that deals strictly with Disney vacations. 😉

    Hannah Montanna is so beyond me. I must be too old to get it. At all.

  9. On April 28th, 2008 at 12:00 pm Tony Says:

    I do NOT understand twitter. It sounds like the third level of hell to me, actually

  10. On April 28th, 2008 at 12:09 pm Katy Says:

    Hannah Montana. We are all about her in my house. My daughter wants to be her, loves her. I know all her songs by heart. Ack. As for role models…she is better than Britney was I suppose. I’m not sure about the naked photos, though. I can’t imagine that her overprotective parents would REALLY have allowed it. I’ll have to go investigate. Anyhow, it’s a decent enuf thing to deal with so long as you can get your kids to focus on something else periodically (to give yourself a break from the mind numbing teeny-bopper). The only thing is, the one thing that takes their attention away from Hannah is the equally annoying High School Muscial. Eeeek!

    Twitter. I don’t get the draw. I just don’t get it.

    Trying to loose about 20 pounds myself. We should form a support group.

  11. On April 28th, 2008 at 12:10 pm theramblinghousewife Says:

    Love the new look of your blog!

    Yes, you would be nuts to try Disney World by yourself–but if the opportunity presents itself–it’s too good to pass up!

    Hannah Montana? Not sure?? Her music is God-Awful, but I have seen the show, and it is sorta cute, if you’re a tween . .
    I don’t even know what Twitter is . . .

    Show you how up with technology I am . . .

    I just got rid of a VCR (lol)

  12. On April 28th, 2008 at 12:11 pm Victoria Says:

    Having not met your kids, but being a total Disneyholic, I think your Disney plan is brilliant. Mostly because I’ve been there 12 (13?) times. Boy has been 7. Girl? Six (she’s five). Yeah, I have a Disney problem. We should talk. Two kids plus Disney (and vodka, duh) is totally doable.

    But you should take me. Really. k?

    Twitter? Scares me. Hannah Montana?? Scares me more. Did you see her in Vanity Fair. Scan-da-lous.

  13. On April 28th, 2008 at 12:12 pm As American as Apple Pie Says:

    Yes, you are crazy to take the kids to Disney by yourself. When is this? If it is in the summer you are SUPER crazy. Don’t do it!

    I have no idea about Twitter. WTF?

    My eldest thinks Hannah Montana is the bomb. She even read a book about Miley Cyrus. *rolls eyes*

  14. On April 28th, 2008 at 12:39 pm Sara Says:

    I have never been to Disney, so I have no idea. The thought sounds a little crazy. Just my opinion!

    I twitter because I have random thoughts that I must get out. It’s perfect for those moments!

    (I have yet to decide about the Hannah Montana phase. But at least she can sorta sing!)

  15. On April 28th, 2008 at 12:46 pm Five Husbands Says:

    Twitter rocks – it facilitates all sort of interesting connections. Do twit please. CEO tweets and you can win shoes, which is cool, but not as cool as having a window into the whole Zappos culture.

    And, Henry Rollins twitters, very occasionally, but when he does it is entertaining.

  16. On April 28th, 2008 at 12:54 pm Chris Says:

    I signed up with Twitter but never really got around to get into it. Yes, rainy days sucks. I heard it’s supposed to snow here in Chitown…SNOW in APRIL!

  17. On April 28th, 2008 at 1:24 pm Kristen Says:

    I have a total fear of taking my kids to stuff like that without another parental unit. I have lost one of them for a few moments at a big zoo before, when I only had two. Freaked me out!
    With another friend it might not be so bad…

  18. On April 28th, 2008 at 2:29 pm PiquantMolly Says:

    I’m enjoying Twitter. It’s like blogging, but much shorter. So easy!

    Also: have you thought about T-Tapp? It’s more about looking good than losing weight, but the shit works.

  19. On April 28th, 2008 at 2:33 pm Dana Says:

    Just got back on Saturday from a week at WDW with three adults and five kids–not a great ratio after about day 2. I would totally go if the opportunity presented, but be prepared to spend much time chilling. Disney can be overwhelming for little ones (M went from 4-5 daily nursing sessions pre-trip to about 25 in her effort to soothe).

    I’ve got lots of information for you if you decide to give it a try.

  20. On April 28th, 2008 at 2:40 pm becky Says:

    At first I thought Twitter was annoying, but it’s sort of grown on me a little. I think you have to be really funny to work it, though. You could definitely get it done 🙂

  21. On April 28th, 2008 at 2:42 pm Heather Says:

    Okay, well Hannah for one. The nekkid shoulder pic? Meh. So what? Sprawled out across big daddy Billy, though? *shiver*

    I think Disney would be fine with your two especially since Ben can walk! Go for it! It’s Disney – and email Denise!

    What’s this about twitter? Tell me. And google reader? Educate me someone. Please-y?

    And Zappos? Love me some zappos! It’s like crack.

  22. On April 28th, 2008 at 3:04 pm Amy Says:

    twitter? WTF is twitter?

    Disney? Sure if you wanna pay my way!

    W.W., is the only way I can eat and lose weight. Now, I’m just gonna eat and go to the gym…joined today…no more fat ass excuses!

    I hate rainy days too but it’s sunny and fucking cold here, I think that’s almost worse!

  23. On April 28th, 2008 at 3:15 pm Katy Says:

    Alright…..I went and looked at the HM pics. Ugh. Gotta agree…naked shoulder. Who cares. Across her daddy? Nope. Weird.

    I have a twitter account. Don’t use it. I’ll check it out again to see what I am missing. Maybe I’m not funny enuf. LOL

  24. On April 28th, 2008 at 3:18 pm rockmama Says:

    I love Disney so much I could lick it. Repeatedly. And were I anywhere near Orlando, I would go lick it with you.

  25. On April 28th, 2008 at 3:21 pm Cassie Says:

    Oh how I love blogs full of random thoughts. Some days I swear I have ADD or something with all of the randomness that goes on.

    I have been trying to figure out exactly what is so great about Twitter. I hadn’t even heard of it until a few weeks ago. Now I think I’m going to have to get on there to see what all the fuss is about!

  26. On April 28th, 2008 at 3:41 pm The Milk Maid Says:

    I belong to the itter-BITTER-twitter (we should be)committered gang! I like the T, just cause everyone has GOT to know when I brush, floss, and find a milk-dud in my bra (which I haven’t done yet, but you get the idea).

    I like the idea of a pill crazed, nap-filled fantasy story honesty. Humm- or perhaps give us fans a glimpse into the freaky-nasty world of Aunt Becky and The Daver… you know, like when you scrub the floor and he get’s all passionate and crazy with desire and tosses a little wax the wood or something.

    That almost sounded perverted, didn’t it?

  27. On April 28th, 2008 at 5:07 pm Kyddryn Says:

    Ms. Aunt Becky, ma’am…please move here…I need a cool neighbor…really…I neeeeed one. There are no fewer than three houses for sale on my street right now, one of them right next door to me (don’t let that scare you off) and…it has a swimming pool!!! And I love to swim!! Also, there’s a nice big yard for gardening. And…umm…I’ve been known to bake all kinds of goodies for the neighbors I like…some of them are even quite good for you and NOT made of sawdust!

    Hannah Montana is just the new product being pimped by the Disney Hacks to rake in the Twitty Tweens cash (or, more accurately, their benumbed parent’s credit card numbers). I refuse to purchase or participate in anything she touches. Luckily, I have a boy. Whew, that bullet dodged. Of course, I am now up to my armpits in dinosaurs and dino related books and toys, and am constantly ducking the dino factoids being flung at me at random odd moments…

    Isn’t twittering something birds do??

    Shade and Sweetwater,

  28. On April 28th, 2008 at 7:45 pm tash Says:

    What is this twitter of which you speak? (dating myself much?)

    Feel free to wax on about how I should redesign my site. Which I think actually looks better in blogreader than in person. Which is really really sad.

    I’m actually really torn the HNMB story ground to a halt. Without graphics, even.

  29. On April 28th, 2008 at 9:23 pm Marly Says:

    I cannont ‘splain the Hannah Montana phenom.
    If I knew for sure we were staying, I would so try to convince you to move to the East Coast. ‘Tis lovely out here.
    I wanna go to Disney World! But I’m kinda broke. You payin’?
    Hey, remember my best friend who looks like you? Her name is Ashley, too! Ooooooh!
    Regarding Twitter… go here: . I call it bathroom reading because he makes me laugh so hard I pee!

  30. On April 29th, 2008 at 5:54 am Ames Says:

    Ooooooh Disney World… I wanna go!

  31. On April 30th, 2008 at 2:00 pm Natalie Says:

    I twitter. Because I’m JUST THAT COOL.

  32. On May 1st, 2008 at 1:36 am Heza Hekele Says:

    I’ll come to Disney Land. Between your two and my one + two permanently borrowed children, there would be five under the age of six…a gong show it would be! But, at least you would have someone to share the gong show with! Come on, you know you wanna!

  33. On May 1st, 2008 at 1:37 am Heza Hekele Says:

    Disney World/Land…same difference.

  34. On November 2nd, 2010 at 9:35 am Meggie Says:

    Can we still put in requests for post topics? Because I’m making my way back through your archives after finding you about a week ago, and I have to tell you – I’ve got this burning desire to know exactly what the ‘fuck you’ mother’s day letter said from your mom. I keep thinking about that randomly during my day, just…how could she possibly have written something like that? And if you’re pretty much going to shit all over your child’s heart, how does one phrase it? How do you end a letter like that? Love, Mom?

    It’s eating me up inside. MUST KNOW.

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