Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

A Pirate, A Manly Butterfly and A Fairy Pirate Walk Into a Bar…


I pretty much live in the awesomest neighborhood ever. There’s a house that passes out beer and “severed fingers” (hot dogs) to the parents. Someone up the block makes Irish coffee. A couple other people make mini-haunted houses for the older kids. Really, you can’t go wrong.

And I love Halloween. I haven’t been feeling well lately, so I didn’t get as into it this year as I normally do, but you know, can’t win at life ALL THE TIME.

I didn’t know what to expect this year. Ben shrieked for his first three Halloweens, Alex was flabbergasted for his first two, and Amelia was merely indifferent last year.

This year, Alex and Ben were full of the excited for Halloween.

I’m motherfucking fluttering, okay?

When Amelia saw Ben dressed like this, she ran around the house going, “ARRRR!” Because she knows a pirate says, “ARRRR.”

She rules.

Now the only child without a costume was Amelia. It’s not that we didn’t WANT to get her a costume or that we were all, “YOU CAN’T HAVE A COSTUME, AMELIA,” it’s just that every time any one of us tried to explain the concept of Halloween, we realized how absurd it sounded:

“So, we dress up as other people and then go ask our neighbors for candy.”

“We put on costumes and trick-or-treat.”

“We go door-to-door dressed up and say, ‘trick or treat.'”

Yeah. It sounds like that.

So of course, Amelia was baffled and I wasn’t about to drop a significant amount of cash on something that baffled her, so instead, I picked her out a reasonable costume at Old Navy, and figured at worst, she could wear some jammies. She’s a little girl. Who cares? If someone had an issue with a non-dressed up ickle girl, they could talk to my Fists of Fury.

When I got the costume in the mail, though, I made a big deal of presenting it to her, like it was this big prize. “OH AMELIA, LOOK AT THIS PRETTY PRETTY THING!”

She took a look at it, grabbed it from my hands and threw it on the ground and began to stop on it. I grabbed it away before she could take a shit on it. Her fury was hilarious if not slightly baffling. It was a fairy princess costume, not something that should really have evoked ire in a toddler. I mean, this is the child who loves pink, sparkles and Mary Janes. She’s my daughter, after all.

But…okay. To the closet it went.

Until yesterday.

She saw her brothers dressed up, and as she was getting on her ballerina jammies, on a whim, I grabbed out the Fairy Princess costume to show her.

She grabbed it from my hands, and instead of attempting to take of her diaper to take a whizz on it, she lovingly caressed it, then hooted her desire to put it on. When it was safely on, she ran over to the mirror to take a look at herself in the pretty dress. She smiled.

Then she went up to her eldest brother, stole his sword and the costume was complete:

It’s Amelia The Pirate Fairy, BITCH.

Where Alex, my ickle Jay was afraid to go from house to house the first year he could toddle around, Amelia marched up to each door, hooted when she got her candy, and ran as fast as her thunder thighs would allow her to the next house, keeping handily up with her brothers.

I swear, Pranksters, I was misty with pride. My girl, she’s fierce.


P.S. You should visit my home slice Peggy and her Etsy shop. Why? Because she’s crafty and I’m not.

60 Comments to

“A Pirate, A Manly Butterfly and A Fairy Pirate Walk Into a Bar…”

  1. On November 1st, 2010 at 12:26 pm Hamlet's Mistress Says:

    Awesome. Pirate Fairy, FTW. Go on, Amelia!

  2. On November 1st, 2010 at 12:35 pm Didactic Pirate Says:

    Damn RIGHT pirates say ARRRRRRR.
    Your kids look like they took no prisoners last night. Awesome.

  3. On November 1st, 2010 at 12:36 pm steph gas Says:

    that’s so super cute! now i want to dress up like amelia for halloween next year.

  4. On November 1st, 2010 at 12:42 pm Deidra Says:

    Your girl is awesome. She sounds just like you! 🙂 Attitude-wise, at least.

  5. On November 1st, 2010 at 12:47 pm Mommy on the Spot Says:

    That pic with her in her costume sword? AWESOME! Seriously, I think you should make Christmas cards out of that.

  6. On November 1st, 2010 at 12:54 pm Jenn Says:

    I love the costumes! Alex is the cutest (I mean… manliest!) butterfly ever. 🙂

  7. On November 1st, 2010 at 12:54 pm Christina (Apron Strings) Says:

    I effin love it. Pirates rock-and fairy pirates are even better.

  8. On November 1st, 2010 at 12:57 pm Christine Says:

    That’s so cute. All of them. I’m totally going as a pirate fairy next year.

  9. On November 1st, 2010 at 1:04 pm Meg Says:

    I absolutely love the manly butterfly! Your kids are absolutely adorable.

  10. On November 1st, 2010 at 1:06 pm Peggy Brister Says:

    Awww. Thanks for the shout out to my Etsy shop. I am ashamed to say when I was reading this post and got to the bottom and saw you shouting out someone named Peggy with an Esty shop I was like “UM, what? Another Peggy with an Etsy shop? WTF copy cat bitch!!” And then remembered you might be talking about ME!! I promise I don’t smoke crack.

  11. On November 1st, 2010 at 2:44 pm Yvonne Says:

    I checked out your shop – just awesome. You’re very talented. I’m eyeing up those placemats.

  12. On November 1st, 2010 at 6:19 pm Peggy Brister Says:

    Thanks =)

  13. On November 1st, 2010 at 1:22 pm Kathy Says:

    Damn right! She’s so awesome.

  14. On November 1st, 2010 at 1:23 pm TrillianM Says:

    Yay! Halloween is the best holdiay of all time. I LOVE that you let Alex wear the butterfly costume and it totally rules that Amelia got into it at the last minute. Now I gotta brag. That’s me with the Mariachi costume and the Tamborine. ^_^ ANYONE (including my Aunt Becky) can be crafty on Halloween I guarantee it.

  15. On November 1st, 2010 at 1:33 pm Meghann Says:

    she might love the book “Do Princesses Wear Hiking Boots?” Or she might pee on it.
    I had two fairies (alas, just regular fairies, not pirate fairies) and a little pumpkin. The fairies kept trying to turn the pumpkin into a carriage. And all this time I thought they liked their baby brother . . .

  16. On November 1st, 2010 at 1:35 pm Barbara Says:

    Amelia is so awesome!

  17. On November 1st, 2010 at 1:37 pm Lori @ In Pursuit of Martha Points Says:

    A princess with a sword.

    That is MY friggin’ type of fairy tale.

  18. On November 1st, 2010 at 1:44 pm Tiffany @ MomNom Says:

    Cutest damn Fairy Pirate I’ve ever seen. Damn straight.

  19. On November 1st, 2010 at 1:52 pm heydave Says:

    Fucking cute overload!

  20. On November 1st, 2010 at 1:52 pm pickel Says:

    I give out beer and I let neighbors pee.

  21. On November 2nd, 2010 at 4:27 pm TheBeerLady Says:

    I wanna trick-or-treat at your house.

  22. On November 1st, 2010 at 1:56 pm Jennifer B Says:

    I had no doubt that Mimi would rock this Halloween, despite the instant rejection of the costume. See, Aunt Becks, she was just pissed she didn’t have any appropriate ACCESSORIES to go with it!!! When she grabbed the sword, it was her way of letting you know that she will Kick ASS in this life and she will do it with her beauty and charm shining like a pretty fairy princess. 🙂 And I’m pretty sure “Arrrrgh” counts as a word. Just sayin.

  23. On November 1st, 2010 at 1:56 pm Tershbango Says:

    Cutest pirate fairy EVER. Even with the vicious sword pointed right atcha!

  24. On November 1st, 2010 at 2:06 pm Leah Says:

    Fairy Pirate is officially my new favorite costume ever. And your kids? Full of the awesome.

  25. On November 1st, 2010 at 2:12 pm Amber Says:

    Sounds like you have an awesome kick ass daughter. I think I might be a pirate fairy next year, LOL.. great blog post.

  26. On November 1st, 2010 at 2:30 pm andygirl Says:

    jealousy works every time. she just wanted to be like her brothers! and she was kind of a combo of both of them: the butterfly and the pirate. soooo cute! ps? Alex rules the butterfly!

  27. On November 1st, 2010 at 2:36 pm Chocolate Diapers Says:

    That is some funny shit. At each house, when they opened the door, my son, who’s two,’ said, “I want candy,” and then tried walking inside.

  28. On November 1st, 2010 at 2:45 pm a Says:

    You must have been the most entertaining family out and about on Halloween. Alex is definitely going to have a lifelong love for this holiday – he really gets the whole idea! Amelia is one bad-ass fairy pirate. But, my only concern is, could Ben see?

  29. On November 1st, 2010 at 2:58 pm Txtingmrdarcy Says:

    Ok, that’s my quote of the day.

    “I’m motherfucking FLUTTERING.”

    I think it will easily shut my coworkers up.

  30. On November 1st, 2010 at 3:05 pm magpie Says:

    Pirate fairy. Rules.

  31. On November 1st, 2010 at 3:58 pm Lara Says:

    LOVE it! We spent Halloween with a stomach virus. Trick or Treat 2010 was officially cancelled at our house. I would have died if I had to leave the couch.

    Mimi and my daughter would be great friends. They have much in common… a love of pink, sparkles, girly stuff in general… oh yeah, and they would cut anyone who gets in their way. Love having me a badass girl!

    P.S. you ROCK as a mom for letting Alex wear what HE wanted for Halloween. I think he’s an AWESOME butterfly, and the boy gets points for originality! I was going to fucking vomit if I saw another Toy Story character (oh yeah, my son WAS one of those annoying characters… oh well!)

  32. On November 1st, 2010 at 4:03 pm Melissa Says:

    Cuteness overload! I love all of their costumes.

  33. On November 1st, 2010 at 4:33 pm Kelley Says:

    Great costumes! Here’s to Amelia, queen of all things….and to her rockin’ Mom….

  34. On November 1st, 2010 at 4:47 pm Momma Chaos Says:

    Dude, I am soo coming to YOUR neighborhood next year!

  35. On November 1st, 2010 at 5:14 pm Varda (SquashedMom) Says:

    Arrrr Mateys! Your kids are so adorable. “A Pirate, A Manly Butterfly and A Fairy Pirate Walk Into a Bar…”is awesome… you now have to figure out the rest of the joke and come up with a great punch line (maybe make it a contest on your blog with you as the judge?)

    I love Halloween, too, but was cranky this year. Sigh. I have to wait until tomorrow to blog about it because today is Autism Shout-Out day and I needed to be all over that.

    Thinking of you as it heads towards Wednesday. Hugs.

  36. On November 1st, 2010 at 5:25 pm High Heeled Life Says:

    Ok … must find costume for Dolce (our little yorkie ) or hey, we can say he is going as a “yorkie” lol… and need to find a neighbourhood that really knows how to celebrate… sounds like its well planned – and something for all ages!!!

    Amelia , you are doing just fine!!! HHL

  37. On November 1st, 2010 at 5:29 pm Jersey Girl Gets Real Says:

    Your kids all look awsome! I have to laugh because I went through the same thing with my kids when they were that age. I didn’t think it was so awsome though 😉

  38. On November 1st, 2010 at 5:31 pm McGilli Says:

    They learn so quickly don’t they…. when Ash was three she didn’t hesitate to tell people “No chocolate, don’t like it”.
    I went trick or treatin’ for wine and scored at a couple of the neighbors places… you’ll never get me outta here as long as I can T or T for wine!!! AARRRR!!!!!

  39. On November 1st, 2010 at 5:43 pm Josefina Says:

    I LOVE the butterfly costume on him! I love your little pirate, too, of course…and Amelia. Well. Best fairy EVER. I think the last photo shows her spotting something she needs to behead. Or SOMETHING.

    Really enjoyed the reference to your Fists of Fury.

  40. On November 1st, 2010 at 6:08 pm Scott Says:

    You have an awesome and beautiful family. Pirates arrr also awesome. And your Princess of Bells is awesome and fierce. I’m gonna go sit over for a minute, I have something in my eye.

  41. On November 1st, 2010 at 6:27 pm Kristin Says:

    OMG they are all too cute. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the Manly Butterfly, you owned that look Alex.
    And The Fairy Pirate is priceless. She’s a girl after my own heart.

  42. On November 1st, 2010 at 6:29 pm Jack Says:

    A fierce girl is always well loved.

  43. On November 1st, 2010 at 7:22 pm Flucky Mom Says:

    As usually, you cracked me up. But Amelia’s initial reaction to the costume is exactly why I didn’t dress up K for Halloween. Next year, when he has a say for what he wants to be he can wear a costume. Otherwise it’s purely for my entertainment… oh wait! Shit, i should have totally dressed him up.

  44. On November 1st, 2010 at 7:26 pm Hockeymandad Says:

    Coolest butterfly I’ve ever seen.

  45. On November 1st, 2010 at 8:06 pm Suniverse Says:

    I am in love with your family. Love! They are fucking adorable and fierce. LOVE!

  46. On November 1st, 2010 at 8:10 pm Tweets that mention A Pirate, A Manly Butterfly and A Fairy Pirate Walk Into a Bar… | Mommy Wants Vodka -- Says:

    […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Aunt Becky, MGB. MGB said: RT @mommywantsvodka: I started a joke… Oh wait. That's the Bee Gees and trust me, I'm not Barry (motherhumping) Gibb. […]

  47. On November 1st, 2010 at 9:18 pm Roccie Says:


  48. On November 1st, 2010 at 9:52 pm Kristin Says:

    Ok Becky, I’m yours. I am totally fucking yours after seeing your Manly Butterfly. The Pirate and the Fairy Pirate are just icing on the cake.

  49. On November 1st, 2010 at 10:17 pm Lippy Says:

    I love fierce, fiesty girls. She is just a doll.

  50. On November 2nd, 2010 at 1:03 am carissa Says:

    ahh I love their costumes! Amelia has inspired me. I’m going as a pirate princess next year!

  51. On November 2nd, 2010 at 9:10 am Kelly Says:

    Adorable! I love that you let Alex do his thing in his manly butterfly costume.

    Mea was a kitty, and her cousin was a doggie. They have a little buddy that came out to do trick or treat with us who was Batman. All night, he kept yelling, “Batcat, Batdog!” At first I seriously thought he was calling them “Bad Cat! Bad Dog!” I’m so slow at times.

  52. On November 2nd, 2010 at 9:30 am pattypunker Says:

    i’m amelia the pirate fairy, and i approve this message! amelia for prez.

  53. On November 2nd, 2010 at 9:46 am Carrie Says:

    A fierce pirate butterfly. Your little girls ROCKS.

  54. On November 2nd, 2010 at 10:04 am JJ Says:

    Your kids ROCK! Great costumes!!!!

  55. On November 2nd, 2010 at 12:21 pm Dora Says:

    And if anyone messes with that Butterfly, the Fairy Pirate will cut ’em!

  56. On November 2nd, 2010 at 6:56 pm SharleneT Says:

    They are adorable and Amelia is definitely in charge! Can’t wait for your posts when she’s at the talking stage… might as well set her up on her own blog…

  57. On November 3rd, 2010 at 6:08 am Mitchell Allen Says:

    “A Pirate, A Manly Butterfly and A Fairy Pirate Walk Into a Bar…” Why? Because she’s crafty and I’m not.

    Ellen DeGeneres would love you.

    I love these pictures and the accompanying story!



  58. On November 3rd, 2010 at 11:18 am SarahT Says:

    A Tshirt for your little girl:

    She just didn’t want to sit in the tower and wait to be rescued!

  59. On November 18th, 2010 at 4:01 pm Beth Says:

    Amelia the Pirate Fairy would be a rockin’ ass band name.

  60. On November 18th, 2010 at 4:07 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I’ve always been partial to “Pizza Sluts” for a band name, but I think yours is better.

Email will not be published

Website example

Your Comment:

My site was nominated for Best Humor Blog!
My site was nominated for Hottest Mommy Blogger!
Back By Popular Demand...