Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

A Little From Column A And A Little From Column 2


One of the things I am terrible at, besides, of course, flagrant overuse of commas, jumping in and out of tenses like it was my job (ed note: it is not my job), Misusing Capitol Letters, and generally making people uncomfortable with the assumed familiarity that a nickname like “Aunt Becky” brings, is updating my loyal Internet Army about things I’d previously whined about.

It’s not that I don’t HAVE updates or think to tell you of them, it’s just that without collecting several things to update you about at once, the post becomes even more boring than normal. If my blog reads “and then (dot, dot, dot) and then (dot, dot, dot)” even I become irritated.


The Internet was both shocked and appalled that someone who has Crohn’s disease (or maybe NOT Crohn’s disease) would try a weight loss drug like Alli. And I was shocked and appalled that after cutting out butter as a food group, the scale zoomed up 12 pounds. Seemed mighty suspicious.

(my scale is broken)

But, because I’d tried Weight Watchers and found it to be too much work for someone barely sleeping and barely able to cook–thanks to a certain squally infant (read: The Daver)–I decided to go with Alli. Against the better judgement of many of my closest friends in the computer. Alli trumped a tapeworm (and since regular diet and exercise wasn’t cutting it), so I took my first pill with great trepidation.

I sat there at my computer for the first couple of hours, waiting for the butt-butter to liberally pour out of me. My diet wasn’t terrible to begin with–shockingly, I look as though I polish of boxes of Little Debbie every night–but everywhere I went I was told to not wear white pants (Thankfully for eyeballs everywhere, I do not own white pants), wear a panty-liner and to watch out for flatulence with particulate matter.

Terribly anticlimactic for me when absolutely nothing at all happened.

Save for this: I awoke the following morning–mornings are notoriously bad for my guts around these here parts–and waited for the spew, the pain and the cramping (this happens without Alli). It was only when I felt absolutely no pain whatsoever that I realized that I really HAD been in constant serious pain before this.

Day after day, I hesitantly popped the blue pill–waiting for the inevitable agony–and noticed that for the first time in many years, my guts felt oddly normal. Not like they were trying to eject themselves from my body cavity through my belly-button or like they were imploding. I’d never found anything–even Demerol–that controlled the pain I was in, I just sucked it up and dealt with it. Because what else CAN you do? Chronic pain is chronic pain and you get used to it.

So the drug that was supposed to induce terrible cramping, diarrhea and seepage made me…better. I swear on a stack of Bibles that I have never been more baffled.

I will admit before you, o! Internet, that I have indulged in some fattier meals and paid the price. The price was shockingly low, truth be told, and I’m not sure if it’s my particular GI anatomy or that I’m used to this pain, but I did pay. The oil, if you read in the wise comments I got on those posts, I should tell you, comes out of your body looking just like…oil. Neither here nor there, honestly, but sort of amusing.

I haven’t shat myself, ruined any pants (white or otherwise), and I’m not exactly sure if I’m seeing results. Like I said, my scale is broken, and I stupidly stepped on it a week or so ago while very bloated and noticed I’d gained a pound and a half. I moped about for awhile afterward and vowed to get the hell off the scale. It does me no good.

So there you have it. I am pretty pleased with it but cannot honestly tell you if I have seen results. I have no desire to be a slave to my scale, and I know soon enough my body will realize that it doesn’t desperately need my fat stores to feed a baby or nourish a fetus. Time will tell.


Earlier this week, my agents schlepped off my book proposal to the first round of publishers in the first of many months of “hurry up -n- wait.” The beauty of agents is this: not only do they know what to do, you aren’t rejected YOURSELF. I am not subjected to the “You suck ass” rejection emails, and the few rejections I have been sent (by my agents) have been ridiculously flattering.

I realize I sound not terribly excited and I know that’s weird, but like I said, I won’t hear anything for MONTHS. I’d much rather be excited about my new site design or this fantastic bottle of blueberry flavored vodka Daver bought me.

Another one of those “time will tell,” “laughter heals all wounds” stupid platitudely bullshitty statements that serve to annoy most people.

Like me.


Thanks to your votes, I made it into the top 5 Funniest Blogs, a title I know full well that I do not deserve. But I’m ridiculously flattered that I made it there and from here on out, the top 2 will be determined by a stealthy secret panel of judges. Actually, they’re not stealthy at all, they’re listed on the site somewhere, but I don’t read fine print and besides, what does it matter who these people are?

Cake Wrecks will somehow no doubt win both spots.

(I am super pumped to go through those posts and remove my pleas to you to vote for me. Because I felt like a total assbag begging you. Shit, I *still* feel like an assbag)


Amelia is still working on rolling over which means one of two things:

1) She gets flipped onto her belly and becomes furious and indignant about it

B) She isn’t sleeping because all she wants to do is “roll, roll, roll.” Indignantly. She is obviously my child.

Her scar, rather than shrink like everyone seemed to think it would–which, in hindsight, makes very little sense to me–is expanding rapidly towards her forehead. I am no longer sure the hair in the back will easily cover it, but this is okay. Hats, oh hats, they will become our friend.

Although my brother seems to think that a scorpion tattoo would be even cooler.

The stretching of said scar has shown that I was correct: there is another fucking stitch back there to be removed. Awesome. Even creepier is that you can now see her skull implants. Which, yeah.

Anyway, before someone pipes up with, “AT LEAST SHE HAS FEET! HOW DARE YOU COMPLAIN WHEN THERE ARE PEOPLE WITHOUT FEET!!!” I’ll end this post with an adorable baby picture.


Maybe green and sparkly won’t be her first choice in headgear. Can’t win them all.

55 Comments to

“A Little From Column A And A Little From Column 2”

  1. On July 7th, 2009 at 1:00 pm Badass Geek Says:

    Yay for no anal seepage!

  2. On July 7th, 2009 at 1:02 pm Kristina Says:

    Maybe you have inadvertantly stumbled upon the cure to managing Chron’s disease. Not only will you go down in history as Aunt Becky, Top 5 Funniest Bloggers, but you will also be known as Aunt Becky, curer of Chron’s disease. Awesome! Can I have your autograph??

  3. On July 7th, 2009 at 1:48 pm Susan Says:

    So glad you haven’t shart yourself though I was looking forward to a good story. Amelia is stunning and maybe I’m missing it but I see no scar. (I had a neck xray recently which identified several staples remaining from parathyroid surgery years ago; wicked cool). If I pay you double, can I have an autographed copy of the book?

  4. On July 7th, 2009 at 1:53 pm Sandy Says:

    Oh, yeah, super adorable baby picture. That’s all I have to say. Not feeling particularly erudite today.

  5. On July 7th, 2009 at 2:06 pm Ms. Moon Says:

    The moon must be in pain. Two of my daughters wrote about it today. I am glad the Alli has helped yours. I really am.
    And your daughter is beautiful. She is. And obviously fine.
    And if you don’t win that award, you been robbed!
    And…praying to the gods of publishing for you. I am.

  6. On July 7th, 2009 at 1:17 pm lady lemon Says:

    I am utterly floored by your experience with Alli. Sounds like you may have found an unknown treatment for Crohn’s. Who knew?

    And Amelia is such a pretty little thing that no scar is going to matter. An extra stitch back there? Now that is a little creepy, I must say.

  7. On July 7th, 2009 at 1:25 pm Mwa Says:

    Cool result on the drug! I used to live with chronic gut pain and it is a BITCH! Losing weight would be a cool side-effect, too.

    I think scars are cool.

  8. On July 7th, 2009 at 2:39 pm Anjali Says:

    Aren’t those Bumbos the bomb? They are the new baby jail. My most used baby equipment EVER!

  9. On July 7th, 2009 at 1:50 pm Hope Says:

    WTF??? Where is everyone today? I have NEVER been one of the first 5 commenters here. Has everyone been abducted by aliens? If so, why wasn’t I selected by them?
    I can’t get laid, can’t get abducted by aliens, that’s the story of my life.

  10. On July 7th, 2009 at 1:51 pm DG at Diaryofamadbathroom Says:

    Adorable baby pictures sure do work to cure what ails ya.

    I’m gonna take your word on the Alli. I can’t risk sharting through a work day.

  11. On July 7th, 2009 at 1:57 pm Suzy Voices Says:

    I’m so happy that the Alli is at least helping with the Crohn’s pain! Maybe I should try it for my fibro pain.

    Congrats on the Top 5!! I knew you’d make it.

    Man, you should have gotten a pic with the hat ON. She’s too adorable though, and I bet the scar will fade quickly.

  12. On July 7th, 2009 at 1:57 pm a Says:

    Ha! I knew it! The Alli is the cure! Maybe its little blocker action blocks the irritants that usually have you all twisted up. Maybe Alli will pay you for some off-label marketing.

    Hope your book is picked up soon!

    I don’t know why Amelia wouldn’t choose green and sparkly for her headwear – she lives in the Chicago area, and will be needing that for St. Patrick’s Day soon enough. It would weird me out a little to see skull implants. And, I’m sure her hair will grow in eventually.

  13. On July 7th, 2009 at 2:12 pm kalakly Says:

    Green and sparkly things can be very cool, especially when they start with the letter e:)
    Glad the magic pill has been kind to your ass. Everyones ass needs some love once in a while.

  14. On July 7th, 2009 at 2:16 pm g Says:

    So, what you are saying is… you are sharting your pants less now? 🙂 Miracle drug!

    Amelia sparkles on her own. I will now call her SPARKLE.

  15. On July 7th, 2009 at 2:18 pm kbrients Says:

    Oh wow! I hope that you get good news from the publishing gods soon… And man is she adorable!

  16. On July 7th, 2009 at 2:26 pm The Mommy Says:

    I only see one foot. She does have FEET, right? Kidding! She’s a cutie! And thanks for the updates!

  17. On July 7th, 2009 at 3:02 pm Marinka Says:

    Alli is so 2008, you’re making me positively nostalgic.
    Do you have the dedication to your book written already? Because I can provide some more details about myself if you’re interested. or haven’t gotten a restraining order yet.

  18. On July 7th, 2009 at 3:14 pm Employee No. 3699 Says:

    Congrats on being in the top five; it was well deserved!

    I wonder if Alli would be beneifical to a spastic colon, maybe I should take those little blue pills. On second thought, I’d rather try that blueberry vodka.

    And your daughter? She’s a real cutie pie!

  19. On July 7th, 2009 at 4:16 pm Notesfromthegrove Says:

    Amelia is SO PRETTY! And I’m glad you’re feeling better, friend.

  20. On July 7th, 2009 at 3:21 pm Mrs Soup Says:

    How wonderful!!! I totally understand that feeling….I felt the same way when I discovered that I was lactose intolerant and when I stopped eating dairy without one of the wonderful little pills and not having to sit in the bathroom for hours after a meal that always seemed to be chock full of dairy, the freedom from cramping was amazing.

    And YAY BABY!!! *pets the pretty hat*

  21. On July 7th, 2009 at 3:40 pm Ginger Magnolia Says:

    You’re surprised you’re in the top 5?! P’shaw!

    Glad you’re insides are feeling better thanks to Alli. I’m guessing it’s worth taking even if you don’t lose a pound.

    And Amelia is precious, as always.

  22. On July 7th, 2009 at 4:08 pm Io Says:

    No shit! You are now Dr. Uncle Becky methinks. You probably will be receiving a Nobel or something for this. Don’t they give those out in Sweden? Can I be your date?

  23. On July 7th, 2009 at 4:23 pm Beautiful Wreck Says:

    Wow on the Alli. If it keeps you in less pain, well keep popping the pills. I am also wondering why that is the case tho.

  24. On July 7th, 2009 at 5:45 pm SciFi Dad Says:

    You can’t promise explosive diarrhea and anal leakage and then not deliver Becky.

    The internets won’t stand for being misled.

  25. On July 7th, 2009 at 5:35 pm Inna Says:

    Yeay! Top 5!!!!
    And yeay! Amelia has feet!

    By the way, I think scars are cool. I really like my scar on my knee. I think you should think up a really interesting story for her to tell when she’s older. Not the regular boring one of encephalocele (sorry, don’t know how to spell that).

  26. On July 7th, 2009 at 5:57 pm Lisa Says:

    THANKS for the update! Your anal seepage situation was really on my mind, and that was really beginning to creep me out. I am off to buy my own little blue pills now, so my mind can stay on my own possible outcomes :)!

    For the next update blog – please tell us if your mother or mother in law reads your blog!!!! 🙂

    I think that you should post a kiddo picture every day – that would make you #1 for sure!

  27. On July 7th, 2009 at 7:04 pm Chris Mancini Says:

    You seem a bit disappointed that nothing extra is coming out of your ass. Interesting.

    Also, please get Amelia a different hat, unless of course she has just landed a role in Cabaret.

  28. On July 7th, 2009 at 6:16 pm Tina Says:

    You know, I sort of still owe you a knitted hat. Remember I did a blog contest that you won, oh, ages ago? And then I couldn’t find the time and felt like shit and didn’t do it? And yet you still speak to me because you are full of the awesome? Well, I haven’t forgotten…

  29. On July 7th, 2009 at 7:37 pm ryanandjoesmom Says:

    Are you sure she has 2 feet? I only see one! I declare a recount – oh wait – I’m from MN and that could take MONTHS.

    So pleased your butt leakage has eluded you. I’m sending you a pair of white pants.

  30. On July 7th, 2009 at 6:49 pm Danielle Says:

    Congrats on being a top 5-er! Glad you can stop begging and feeling like an ass bag. I hope the Ali continues to work for ya. YAY for no seepage AND no chronic pain! w00t!!! Amelia is adorable as always.

  31. On July 7th, 2009 at 7:03 pm swirl girl Says:

    so the blue pill is working huh?? You may not have diarhhea and anal seepage – but you have an erection that lasts for 6 hours……LOL

    and that baby girl is D-lish!!

  32. On July 7th, 2009 at 7:10 pm mountainmomma18 Says:

    dude i think that you are terribly funny and I voted for you as well. And i would totally buy a book that you wrote – and that little girl is totally adorable, I totally want to nom those cheeks. I remember being a freaked out new mom when they sent me down to x-ray with a 6 week old baby to see if her plated were fusing early. I knew it would be bad when they took my husband into the room and made me wait outside. Fortunately she had only a positional case of torticollis and after some physical therapy was fine. I could not imagine all the stuff you have had to go through!

  33. On July 7th, 2009 at 8:22 pm Kristin Says:

    Maybe Alli works on Crohn’s disease like uppers (ritalin) work to control ADHD? It has the exact opposite effect it has on everyone else. Heel, all that matters is it works. Even if it doesn’t do shit for your weight (bwahahaha, didn’t mean to say shit in this context) , its worth taking for the pain relief.

  34. On July 7th, 2009 at 9:33 pm eden Says:

    I had a mouthful of food at the EXACT moment I read … “watch out for flatulence with particulate matter”.

    I had to remind myself that I was eating FOOD, not Aunt Becky’s particulate matter.

    That pic of Amelia is divine, such a little cutie.

  35. On July 7th, 2009 at 9:05 pm Mimi Says:

    I still think you should be hoping for some butt butter *snort* if you want to lose weight. Because isn’t that how Alli works? It makes you excrete everything you consume in the form of unadulterated butt butter?

    Hooray for being in the top five! And I have NO IDEA how Cake Wrecks is so popular, but you should kick ass (if the judges have any sense at all).

    Amelia is A. DOR. A. BLE. And getting so big!

  36. On July 7th, 2009 at 9:12 pm Emily R Says:

    you have a baby who is just starting to roll. i think you may be being a little hard on yourself about the weight.

  37. On July 7th, 2009 at 10:49 pm Venti Vixen Says:

    I am not even surprised about the top five thing. I am surprised, however, about the lack of ass juice from the Alli. Almost makes me want to try it. Almost. Your baby girl is adorable!

  38. On July 8th, 2009 at 8:54 am nic @mybottlesup Says:

    Becky- The lack of anal juices flowing freely from your bum is a disappointment… sort of.

    Your daughter is fantastically gorgeous.

    PS- I just sent you an email.


  39. On July 8th, 2009 at 10:14 am deb Says:

    Ok I have to say I’m disappointed your not losing weight. Or at least you don’t think your losing weight. I know for myself, even if I don’t step on the scale, I would feel it in my clothes. So that’s making me rethink the Alli. Guess I’ll just think on it some more.

    Amelia is absolutely, ridiculously, spectacularly beautiful. And she’s gonna ROCK that green, sparkly hat. ROCK it I tell ya!!

  40. On July 8th, 2009 at 10:41 am Katie Says:

    I can’t tell you how fascinated I am by the Alli stories. I’m even discussing it IRL.

    Because my social circle talks about oily discharge, I guess.

  41. On July 8th, 2009 at 11:58 am Dot Says:

    That’s awesome about the book proposal and being in the top 5! And Amelia has looked so alert and aware from her very first days.

  42. On July 8th, 2009 at 11:30 am Dora Says:

    I had the same outcome with Alli. No scary side effects at all. I don’t have Crohn’s, but I tend to be chronically constipated. Alli helped wonderfully with that. And, yes, the oil is interesting. For even more interesting oil, eat some buffalo wings!

    Oh, my! The picture of Amelia is adorable! Not only does she have feet, the look munchable! Nom, nom, nom!

  43. On July 8th, 2009 at 11:43 am zelzee Says:

    Wow, Alli helping Chrohn’s……….who would have thought.

    Amelia is beautiful….a beautiful little hat diva!

    And I am the queen of…………………..

  44. On July 8th, 2009 at 11:51 am foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog) Says:

    I love that you give us a beautiful baby and the words ‘butt butter’ in one place!


  45. On July 8th, 2009 at 1:25 pm Lindsey Says:

    Amelia is gorgeous. Scar and all. And you are funny enough to deserve the top 5 so there.

  46. On July 8th, 2009 at 4:33 pm Thomas Says:

    Did anyone win that book The Daver is reviewing. I’m so out of touch….

  47. On July 8th, 2009 at 11:10 pm Lola Says:

    I’m so glad you don’t have explosive ass leakage, because my three dogs still do and I’m just sicktofuckingdeath of oily shit!

    Amelia is adorable, and hats are cool!

  48. On July 9th, 2009 at 6:25 am Betty M Says:

    Very excited about your book!
    Not so excited about the ass business…..but glad you feel better.

  49. On July 9th, 2009 at 11:00 am Nancy Says:

    I totally think you should figure out what the active ingredient in Alli is and make your stupid intestinal doctors that don’t know what they’re doing give you a prescription for it.

    Also, you completely deserve that award, don’t feel bad for pimping your own blog, it’s awesome!

    Your daughter is simply adorable!

  50. On July 9th, 2009 at 12:55 pm mumma boo Says:

    I think your personal experience with Alli could be the foundation of your microbiology PhD thesis. “The Science of Butt Butter and Ass Particulates”.

    Scar or no, Amelia is the most beautiful baby. Truly.

  51. On July 9th, 2009 at 5:44 pm Kendra Says:

    Congratulations on the Alli experience; I’m glad your stomach is actually in better shape, and here’s hoping your ass looks totally hot in your favorite pants.

    Don’t feel bad for asking me to vote; if they let you vote every day, I think we (I) need serious reminders to vote for our chosen competitor. And I adore green and sparkly. Yay, Amelia!

  52. On July 9th, 2009 at 7:19 pm magpie Says:

    1. thanks for the interesting alli update.
    2. i’d completely forgotten this – my daughter had surgery on her head in the spring, and just before christmas that year a stitch wriggled to the surface. it was, to say the least, freaky. it did get me to take her back to their office for the post-surgical (um) appointment.
    3. good luck with your book.

  53. On July 9th, 2009 at 8:43 pm Kristine Says:

    Yay for no anal seepage! And even if there’s no weight loss, the loss of the cramping and poo pain seems like a good reason to continue with it.

  54. On July 10th, 2009 at 5:04 pm Ames Says:

    So glad there has been no shitting in your pants or anything…you are much much braver than I am. 🙂

  55. On July 14th, 2009 at 8:58 am Bluebird Says:

    Love it! I was just about to email you for an update re your Alli experience! Thank you so much for being our guinea pig 🙂 I’ve had my eye on it for a while but have been too terrified to try it. I finally got up the nerve to buy the started pack yesterday and (knock on wood!) feel fine so far – but am still a nervous wreck! *And* we’re meeting some friends at a steakhouse for dinner Thursday. . . think I could handle just a few bites of delicousness??

    Beautiful photo, too. Particularly appreciated it as I read your most recent posts – reassurance that there was some form of goodness at the end of it all.

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