Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

A Girl Named Dave


Saturday morning, as I blurrily drank my eighty-niner cup of coffee while trying desperately to wake my sorry ass up, Dave bounded into the room and announced, “YOU’RE TAKING ME OUT TO LUNCH TOMORROW.”

For someone who is normally soft-spoken, he was BEYOND loud. Or perhaps it was merely a loud morning. I’m SO not a morning person.

I tried to reach the dusty recesses of my brain to ascertain why, exactly, I was supposed to be taking The Daver out to lunch. His birthday? Our anniversary? National Pancake Day?

I bit the bullet. “Why?” I groggily spat out.


I stuck my fingers in my ears to deaden the noise a bit. Since he did say FREE, and FREE is always better than paying, I wondered if I, too, could pass for a Dave.

The following morning, I peeled myself out of bed, completely forgetting that it was Dave Day (HOW did that ever slip my non-Daveish mind?). Downstairs, the kids were dressed, fed and ready to go for the first time, well, EVER.

Dave was practically bounding off the walls with glee. “IT’S DAVE DAY!” he announced, loudly enough that I nearly punched him in the throat, just to make him shut the fuck up. “WE’RE OUT OF COFFEE!” he screamed. “I DRANK IT ALL.”

Like that was a surprise or something. I mumbled, “fucker” under my breath as I hoped he wouldn’t stroke out from the excitement.

Once I swept the cobwebs from my brain and cleared the sleep from my eyes, I finally looked at The Daver. Dressed in sweatpants and a stained t-shirt, I must’ve given him a look, because he said, “I’M WEARIN MAH EATIN’ CLOTHES.”

I’m not exactly certain when his Wisconsin-bred ass developed a Southern Drawl, but it was apparently the moment in which he realized he could eat as much BBQ as he wanted. For free. I’m sort of surprised he didn’t bust out my maternity clothes for the occasion.

I shoved a baseball cap on, so that I would be incognito with the hickish Southern Wisconsinite and off we went.

First thing they said when we walked in, “Is your name Dave?” Daver proudly bust out his wallet and showed off his driver’s license. He looks like the leader of the Aryan Nation in the picture, which made me wonder if they’d BELIEVE he was the same person.

Not only did they believe him, they also gave him a name-tag. I was SO JEALOUS. I love name-tags. I would have written “Shut Your Whore Mouth” on mine. I tried to score one from them, but was rebuffed because I am not ACTUALLY named Dave.

I sat jealously staring at Dave’s name-tag as everyone who walked by – also wearing Dave name-tags – said hello to Dave. A sea of name-tag wearing Dave’s sat in the dining room, each beaming as happily as The Daver was.

When Daver opened the menu, it was like the heavens poured out of his eyeballs, as he saw the amount of BBQ he could eat. For FREE. All for free. He happily chose some BBQ platter or another while I sipped my Diet Pepsi, amazed by the transformation of my normally geeky husband into a greedy BBQ-loving hick.

“I want ‘yer BBQ platter wif a side ‘o’ beans and cornbread.” I swear I’ve never heard him speak that way. But there he was, eating pants and everything, ready to take on the BBQ.

And he did. I’ve never seen such a small man put away so much food. When he was done sucking the marrow from the bones, he sat back, belched, and looked as contented as one can while wearing a stained tank-top and sweatpants.

I paid our check and rolled him contentedly out to the car.

He was in a food coma the rest of the day while I bitterly blamed my parents for not being forward-thinking enough to name me Dave.

Hey, Johnny Cash had a Boy Named Sue, I could totally have been a Girl Named Dave*.

*had I been a boy, my name would have been Leaf**.

**No, I’m not joking. Not even close.

37 Comments to

“A Girl Named Dave”

  1. On August 15th, 2011 at 11:27 am Amanda Says:

    Had I been a boy my parents would have been torn between “Levi” and “Leaf” and “Meatloaf”. Dead….Serious. Would have been Loaf for short…in case you were wondering.

  2. On August 15th, 2011 at 11:34 am Jill Says:

    haha, I love it.
    My parents should have named me Dave, too. BBQ kicks ass.

    alas, my “if I were a boy” name is Zebulon. I think my parents were 99.2% sure I was a girl. ha!

  3. On August 15th, 2011 at 11:45 am BerserkFather Says:

    As a fellow Wisconsinite, and a geeky one at that (I am a physicist and nothing says geek like Quantum Mechanics), I fully support the Daver in his free BBQ quest! I love BBQ too! But, if they are serving BBQ up for free, the least they could have done was to hand over a free name tag for you. Maybe it could have said “Wife of Dave.” Then you would have wrote below it “Shut Your Whore Mouth.” And the world would rejoice.

  4. On August 15th, 2011 at 11:52 am habanerogal Says:

    Meat comas are the best comas. You’ll have to get him an awesome “Dave’s Eating Pants” for next year

  5. On August 15th, 2011 at 12:02 pm Cindy Says:

    My The-Daver refused to go to Famous Dave’s yesterday. BBQ is messy. Unbelievable! My manly man is so dainty he doesn’t like BBQ sauce in is mustache. Trade ya Dave’s?

  6. On August 15th, 2011 at 12:03 pm Jaimzblond Says:

    Sadly I was Jaime whether I was a girl or boy. The unfairness of it all, I think I still need therapy. But I can relate. I am also not named Dave.

  7. On August 15th, 2011 at 12:16 pm well read hostess Says:

    my daughter was going to be named David if she’d been a boy.

    DAMN IT!!!

  8. On August 15th, 2011 at 12:41 pm Paula @ thewilyweez Says:

    I’m going home right now to designate my own “eatin’ clothes” genius!

  9. On August 15th, 2011 at 12:59 pm karen Says:

    My Al is going to be so depressed he is not a Dave and not in the US where people offer BBQ for free. Kid would’ve legally changed his name just for the honour. But The Daver so totally deserved you taking him out to lunch for all the geek work you’ve been puttin’ him through lately. Good on you for getting outta bed and taking him and the kids to lunch despite the fact that there was no free Aunt Becky lunch. You rawk.

  10. On August 15th, 2011 at 1:00 pm karen Says:

    I had to write BBQ again just for the sweepingness of the Q itself. I am such a font geek. Quite the Queer Queenly Q you Quaff, Quasi.

    oooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhh. Nice font choice. Quite.

  11. On August 15th, 2011 at 1:37 pm Heather Says:

    This is so hilarious! We used to have a Famous Dave’s in the city. We loved their brisket!
    You have to know that A Boy Named Sue was written by the genius Shel Silverstein(The Giving Tree). The man was a genius!!

  12. On August 15th, 2011 at 1:56 pm The Mommy Says:

    Can you believe that I can’t think of a single person in real life who I know named Dave? Strange.

    Thanks for this. I needed me a really good laugh today and this was MORE than I could have hoped for. Now I’m going ta designate Mah Own Eatin’ Clothes! WOOT!

  13. On August 15th, 2011 at 2:25 pm JTook Says:

    Did The Daver somehow pickup my accent? I sometimes do have that affect on people.
    Glad Dave got to enjoy his eatin’ pants and some free BBQ. BBQ, free or otherwise, is a thing of gods.

  14. On August 15th, 2011 at 2:35 pm Tracie Says:

    Can I call you Leaf?

    There is something really endearing about how excited he was for Dave Day.

  15. On August 15th, 2011 at 3:17 pm Lindsey Says:

    Oh my gosh, this is GREAT! I am SOOOO glad my husband’s name is not Dave and that he could not partake in this BBQ-fest; he would have embarrassed the crap out of me! You’re a better wife than I am!! 🙂

  16. On August 15th, 2011 at 3:38 pm MissHannah Says:

    Aw, the Daver is so cute!

    I know someone called Leaf, and HIS brother, River!

  17. On August 15th, 2011 at 3:56 pm Becca Says:

    I tried to convince my dad to go and tell them that everyone calls him by his middle name which is David (when no, we don’t). But since he is old and stodgy he didn’t go for that. Then I tried to tell our IT guy at work to go because his name is Dave, and he said our Famous Dave’s doesn’t honor that. I got tired of being nice and decided that next time every one fends for themselves.

    Where can I get these “eatin” clothes you speak of. The Phubster, Little Monster, and The Cry Baby need to get some ordered up.

    BBQ is GOOOOODDDD…..mmm saucy goodness.

  18. On August 15th, 2011 at 3:58 pm Amber LaShell Says:

    That is an awesome idea to have Dave Day like that… Too bad someone isn’t having an Amber day… I want free stuff and nametags too…

  19. On August 15th, 2011 at 4:26 pm Amy Says:

    AB, when you are ready for REAL BBQ, come to Houston (where the accents are unfortunately not manufactured) and I’ll take you to my fav: Luling City Market. I’ll give you a “Shut Your Whore Mouth” name tag & I’ll buy. LCM also has a bar where the good ole boys gather to drink (I use to think it was a happy hour thing, but now I’m pretty sure they are on those barstools all day). You can bring Dave, but his name tag will have to read: “Luling”.
    Y’all come down now, y’hear?

  20. On August 15th, 2011 at 6:06 pm lurkerberzerker Says:

    This was great funny post – you did such a great job of conveying the hilarity of The Daver morphing into this crazed BBQ -lovin’ hick.

    Here’s a link to a song that this post reminded me of, called “Daves I Know” from the sketch comedy show The Kids in the Hall:

  21. On August 15th, 2011 at 6:14 pm Kristin Says:

    I highly recommend getting a fake idea for next year’s Dave Day…you could be Davina.

  22. On August 15th, 2011 at 6:36 pm Bunners Says:

    Off-tangent, but I had to note that when I read

    “But there he was, eating pants and everything, ready to take on the BBQ.”

    I thought you meant he was eating his pants.

  23. On August 15th, 2011 at 6:37 pm Veracity Says:

    Leaf is a very desirable name. WHy aren’t there more LEAVES in this world. Wait…would it be Leaf’s or Leaves? Now I am confused.

  24. On August 15th, 2011 at 6:45 pm Anthony from CharismaticKid Says:

    Your husband took a CharismaticKid life coaching class. That’s why he’s so assertive and crazy today!

    Btw, thats a cool deal about the Dave Day thing. I wish there were more anthony restaursants.

  25. On August 15th, 2011 at 10:09 pm Kate Says:

    I don’t know. Leaf isn’t awful. It makes me think of a hippie Viking, and that makes me think of someone hot. All long-haired and strapping and kind of dirty. YUM, KIND OF DIRTY.

  26. On August 15th, 2011 at 11:29 pm Joules Says:

    Joaquin Phoenix changed his name to Leaf for awhile when he was kid to fit in with the family nature theme. This has got me imagining the male version of you with a sick beard and a fake rap career.
    Also, The Daver deserves every bit of free meats he can gets for putting up with his 537 girlfriends and for his sheer awesomeness in the area of design.

  27. On August 16th, 2011 at 9:01 am John Says:

    This whole story makes me appreciate the Daver all the more.

    And, I’d totally love “you can have whatever you want on the menu” day more than Christmas or my birthday . . . but, alas, there are no restaurants that appreciate Johns.

  28. On August 16th, 2011 at 9:12 am SuperMommie Says:

    I am laughing my arse off right now! Why is the Daver yelling!! And he put on his eatin pants? I have a pair of those. They are for yoga…you know, the exercise class I have never been to.

  29. On August 16th, 2011 at 9:35 am annie Says:

    This cracked me up!! Luckily I was wearing my laughin’ pants so i didn’t split a seam or pee or anything!

  30. On August 16th, 2011 at 10:52 am Jen Says:

    My daughter’s name is Charlie (not short for anything) so I guess we have to wait for Charlie Day at O’Charlies??

  31. On August 16th, 2011 at 1:51 pm Sarah Says:

    The Daver is maybe my new hero. EVERYONE should have a pair of eatin’ pants.

    Also, I was going to be all indignant and come on here and say, “People in the South don’t sound like that!” (as a transplanted Yankee, albeit one raised in the South, I was going to stick up for my adopted people.)

    Sadly, someone walked by me in the library talking about how the second Harry Potter book is gooder’n the first, and I thought better of it.

  32. On August 16th, 2011 at 8:24 pm Marta Says:

    Clearly I need to name my next child Dave so they can have all the BBQ they want. What’s the policy on taking a baby named Dave and eating it all on his behalf? Can I show a birth certificate if they’re not old enough for an id? I need to call Famous Dave’s and look into this.

  33. On August 18th, 2011 at 9:01 am Dora Says:

    Catching up.

    How about a pic of The Daver in his eatin’ pants? And he drank all the coffee??? And lived???? Becks, you showed amazing restraint. Mwah!

  34. On August 21st, 2011 at 8:23 pm Erica Says:

    Almost peed laughing, you kill me woman!

  35. On August 24th, 2011 at 1:12 am Mamaslyth Says:

    When I was in second grade, I asked my mother what she would have named me if I had been a boy. She was sewing at the time and without skipping a beat, she said, “Maynard Murgatroyd”. In shock, I replied, “I guess it’s a good thing I was a girl then.” She then admitted she would have probably named me “Michael” instead.

  36. On September 3rd, 2011 at 11:05 pm Xan Says:

    Just read this and nearly imploded! While I certainly could have laughed myself incontinent, I came upon this on my Smartphone while lying in bed next to my sleeping wife and dared not wake her! The effort it took not to literally LOL was incredible.

  37. On November 5th, 2014 at 8:59 pm lesley Says:

    Hi there, I have a new female Samoyed x collie pup which I couldn’t think of a name for. My partner and friends wanted to call her cute names like cub and nala etc.
    I jokingly said she looked like a Dave and started calling her Dave and it kinda stuck….. So now I have a my little girl called Dave……!!
    My partner isn’t too happy and says I have to change it, does anyone else think I should change it…??

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